Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I confided in a support worker today about Steve.
I wanted her to know, but I'm not sure I got what I needed.
'It's been difficult for everyone' is not the same as 'I can understand why you're struggling.'

Dear T,
You seemed particularly teary-eyed today. You OK? Maybe the topic just particularly hit home for you, especially because you'd mentioned having similar experiences when we talked about it before? I do appreciate the support today. Pretty sure you're right about that one thing I should do (or, not do, I guess).


Also love that you referred to PC as the online equivalent of a dive bar. It's very fitting. Lots of regulars. Here at random hours. Just support instead of drinks.


Love,
LT

I’m sorry if my freak out regarding you calling the cops on me offended you since your profile picture on Facebook says “blues lives matter.” I couldn’t understand why you weren’t saying anything when I went on my rant. Now I think I know why.

I think you need to talk to my mom more than me. Especially with the insurance switch situation. I need to talk to a hardcore intuitive who gets what I'm saying, not someone who just continuously points out obvious things I've already chewed over. My mom, however, could use your style so maybe she'll see pros equal to cons instead of "there's 78 great things about this but one bad thing so I'm not going through with it." Yeah, I think you're good with the anxious clients. Not so much the apathetic/sometimes delusional ones.

Dear T,
I'm sorry for bothering you, but hearing about that accident right by your office really worried me. Topic for next session: When I start worrying less about people choosing to abandon me, then I start worrying about them abandoning me for reasons that aren't so much by their choice. Have fun with that! (Assuming you're still alive.)

Love,
LT

You still haven’t called my mom. If this was transference T I’d think you were just faking your concern and that you didn’t actually care about me. Now I don’t give two shits if you care or don’t care and if you like me or if you don’t. I’m just glad you seem to be letting this issue go. That is all I care about.

But thanks for telling me it’s illegal to come to a session on opiates since it’s considered being “under the influence” as you said to me today.

I do appreciate you saying on my way out “good luck on your surgery if I don’t see you before then.” That is all I really wanted from you. If you had said that in the first place I don’t think all this would have happened. I am glad you have me on a cancellation list for next week and I found out I don’t have to quarantine after my Covid test on Tuesday. But I guess it doesn’t matter if I see you.

But do I actually like you? Not really. I find you cold and arrogant. You remind me of one of the mean staff from one of my treatment centers I was in. Basically you’re just another brick in the wall to me. And it takes a lot for me to not like someone. I often find people annoying. But I don’t actually dislike like them the way I do with you.

Dear T,

Glad you responded quickly and relieved that you're OK. I hope you really meant the "np" reply to my thanking you for responding quickly and my apology for bothering you. I suppose I was correct in guessing you were driving around that time because you said it took you 45 minutes instead of 10 due to the accident.
Love,
LT

I cut my melatonin in half since you said a lower dose works better. I decided to try it. Then I took my prescribed dose of Geodon and gave my med box to my mom. I only took my regular dose of Valium and I’ve been drinking a lot of tension tamer tea to help my anxiety. It does help a lot. I hope you see that I am trying. But I have been trying which I don’t think you are seeing.

L!! I am so looking forward to telling you about the workshop. Mainly, about some of the answers I got from my helper. I got so much out of both days and am looking forward to taking another one of his workshops. And, telling you about that book I found. It's a total game-changer for me, it really is.

Was nice texting you today, looking forward to Friday because I do have some stuff I want to talk about. That, and it will be my first day off in a while!

You never did call “mom” while I am relieved I’m wondering if you were just ****ing with me when you said you would. Thanks for having me freak out for a couple hours. My mom thinks I shouldn’t even wait for that other therapist. She thinks I should find one in the next couple months. Although I’m scared to see one I don’t know anything about and one that is not recommended to me. Since you and the last one were just disasters and I found you guys on my own.

I was kinda messing with you when I was talking about RuPauls Drag Race since I know you don’t accept drag queens and most likely you don’t accept trans people either.

Dear possible new T,

I find it fascinating that on the day of the full moon, after fifty days of waiting in excrutiating pain, I hear from old T in the morning telling me that she is unable to provide any real closure or resolution to this situation and I hear from you in the afternoon saying that we should be able to start in two weeks.

I'm not sure what to make of that to be honest!! Quite literally, as one door closes another opens.

I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that this works out.

I'm sorry for having feelings for you. I tried my absolute best to stop it.

I am feeling a bit guilty about sending you a sad face emoji when you had to cancel last minute today. sorry.

I hope I haven't scared you off!

I scheduled an email that you were going to receive on Tuesday, but I've sent it now, because I was worried I'd chicken out. I'm finding the way we're working at the moment very frustrating. I need to know that there's a possibility it won't be this way forever.

Holy crap L, I'm so excited about sharing my workshop experience and the book I found with you tomorrow. In my head I'm bouncing up and down like a little kid! Not doing it literally cuz that would make it a little hard to function at work today. hee hee

Yeah I need to tone it down a bit before I get there tomorrow....

Please email me back or answer my text. I'm getting worried now. Two full days. I hope I won't always feel like this, but I don't know you yet at all and I'm worried that maybe my 'demands' were too much for you! I do hope not, I even said that you didn't need to answer them now, I'm happy to go over them and discuss them in our introductory session, but I do hope that you will at least reply just to say that you are ok with talking them through! Or did something life changing happen for you, too!?!

That email feels like I'm asking for too much, even though I'm just asking for slightly different words.

You didn’t respond to my email I sent early this morning about my excitement and relief about finding out my insurance is covering my surgery. I don’t know. I thought you’d be a bit happy for me. Or could have at least pretended to be.

hey t,

today’s session was just weird. and why did you call me out about that one thing when our time was already gone? hope we can go back to that topic next week.

me

Dear T,

I am sat here pondering life tonight. For the first time since that last session I am feeling a real sense of calm, and am thinking maybe I take this as an opportunity. An opportunity to change, to learn, to grow, to be more me. Figuring out what is important, what can and should be brought closer and what else from my life can be let go. I said in my final email to you that I know in my heart now that I need to let you go, but also I know that you will forever live on in it, and you replied saying that I would always live on in yours too. And I think your picture from the Charlie Mackesy book was telling me that I am loved, by you. I will never let you go as a person, T, even though I am gently letting you go as a counsellor. I do believe in fate, as you know, and will still hold on to some hope that one day, off in the future, (possibly by my intervention if I have anything to do with it) our paths may cross again, and until that point, I can still talk to you internally. Your voice inside of me will never disappear. (and I can still talk to you here, no-one can stop me doing that (I don't think) so to all readers, sorry in advance!)

My pondering led me to ask, who am I now, in my name. I still have my ex husbands name, you see, but I no longer belong to that name. Neither do I belong to my maiden name. I am a different person now, a completely different person. I have talked about taking my new partner's surname, but something is holding me back from doing that, and as of yet I don't know what it is. I was trying to think of new name. What name would be right for me. Apart from xxx The Great, I couldn't really come up with anything! Honestly, the answer is probably just my first name. Do I even have to have a 'last name'. Officially, the answer is no, you don't. That's interesting isn't it! And then I got to thinking, could I take your surname. I know... that's weird. But at the same time it feels oddly right, right now. You helped to shape me in a way that no-one has ever helped to shape me before.

Hahaha. Just been online to a random surname generator, and I had to laugh out loud! I could be xxxx Verona or xxxx Braun or xxxx Love, xxx Shultz, xxx Bellerose, lol, the list goes on and on, but none seem fitting. Who am I? I guess taking my partner's surname is probably the best option, but only because it is the most sensible option. But I am not sensible. I have never been sensible. Being true to myself would be to do the crazy thing. This is the person who moved 300 miles away from home as a teenager because that's where the pin landed. This is the person who managed to get a job in Wales while we were on holiday once because I decided I fancied living there, then had to scramble to find somewhere to live before we went back home. This is the person who joined the Navy on a bit of a whim because time was running out to join and because I thought it might be interesting to give it a go. This is the person who signed up to swim the Solent having never really swum in the sea before. I don't really do sensible. As someone said to me only yesterday "you have always been kind, headstrong and done things your way..." and honestly, I think her words have really got me thinking!

Letting you go actually means I can start to take some control over my life again, it feels. These last few months have been tortuous, and I don't want to be caught up in all of that anymore. I want to go back to being that kite, flying high above the clouds, just like I remember that summer was when we were in a really good place in our work together. I can make that happen, I know I can, and I know you would be proud of me for doing so.

I will always love you T, always.

Hey E. I am highly disappointed in myself over this week's assignment. Ugh. I know you won't be, but still. It has been a tough week.

Hi T. I still feel guilty about the sad face emoji. I promise I will give you an exclamation point when you ask me the time for Saturday. I don't like the feeling of the fact that maybe I hurt your feelings or made you feel bad in any way.

Thanks for responding to my email promptly.

We need to have a conversation about the specifics. I've asked for different reassurance because I am really feeling the distance between us right now.

I need to know that this isn't going to be forever, because I'm getting frustrated with having allowed myself to 'go there' and write my letter to Steve, and now having this document and these feelings on ice.

I have just had the first 'happy' dream I have had for years and years.

It only lasted a really brief moment but oh my goodness.

It started off that I was driving a really beaten up car. The bonnet had been badly damaged and the engine was exposed. I had to plug myself in to the engine even at one point, driving along with jump leads hanging off my ear.

I parked the car and got out to pick up some kayaks. As I was loading them on to the roof some guy came up to me and we got talking. He was asking what kind of kayaks I had and where I was planning on launching.

I said I didn't know, I was new to the area.

So he said "ther s a good launch point not far away" and said he would show me if I fancied a short walk.

As we walked we passed a strange looking area. I stopped. He said, well you could always launch off the ....... (Can't remember what he called it) public jump site or something. I was curious, so I stopped to take a good look. He said to be careful, that I'd need to lace my shoes up properly.

Two of the guys we were with walked down the ramp, and I followed. Curious. Intrigued. It was like a water slide. Loads of people were just throwing themselves off the side a d being swept away. The two guys jumped. I hesitated, and then thought "I need to learn to live again" and jumped in after them.

I got carried along by the fast flow of the river, down the slide, twisting and turning, then all of a sudden I got launched off the end and was expecting to splash into the water, but instead I didn't land. I flew. High above the water, just suspended in the air. Free and floating.

Then I woke up.