[Numbers]

I've been seeing a psychologist for about a year now, and I still find it extremely hard to talk to her. I tell myself every time that this time I will tell her. But still I haven't really gotten down to the serious problems. She asks me a lot of questions and though I seldom actually lie, I often find some way to avoid them - probably because that's what I've been doing all my life.
In the beginning I told myself I just need time, but now I'm afraid I'll never be able to tell her anything. If I told her some of all this stuff now then how would she take that? would she think I wasn't being truthfull? I've tried writing it down but I can't make myself show it to her. Has anyone here had the same problem and how did you solve it?

[Kiya]

i did - i couldn't talk for about 3 years. still there is a lot i just don't have access to verbally. when i do come up with something, i email it - and make myself press SEND. that way i can't change my mind and retract it later.
sometimes i have to do things in pictures rather than words... sometimes collages. it is a starting point. it is hard when we've been silent all our lives. i rarely can talk about anything triggering in person... she always then expects me to email what came up.
best to you, kiya

I had exactly the same problem, and it was a year before I came anywhere near talking about the real issues. Eventually I did start to write things down. Many times I left the session with the piece of paper in my pocket. I decided to tell her that I was going to write things down and she would ask me for it. Handing the paper over was traumatic in itself, but now , another year on, i find I no longer need to write things down but am able to talk (although in very small amounts). Slowly but surely, it does become easier. Taking that first step is the hardest. Good luck

[Mouse_]

Truth is like a sprailling effect. As we talk we get deeper and deeper.

Hey. I've been seeing my therapist for over a year now, and I still find it extremely hard to talk to him, at times. It sounds like you have something that you feel that you really need to talk to her about... But that you are finding it hard to talk about it.

I think that it is understandable that you would find it hard to talk about it when secrecy and simply not talking about it has been the past strategy. It sounds like you think that your therapist is doing what she can so that you feel safe to talk about it. Trust simply does take time. But it sounds like you are looking to make some gentle steps forward on disclosing some of this. I think that your therapist will be used to having to take some time to build trust before a person really opens up to her. Some people find that they are really very open right from the start - and sometimes it can be about containing a person with that strategy. But fairly often, people find that they really struggle with talking about things. You aren't alone in that.

One way to do it is to start out gently. Instead of writing down the whole issue, maybe writing down a part of it. I really do think... That we find a way when it is time. And sometimes... Being a bit gentle / easy on ourself can be the way to go.

If you are finding it hard to talk to her about it...
Do you think you could talk to her about having this thing that you are finding it hard to talk about?

Sometimes I find that going meta helps...

[Perna]

Sometimes if there was something I really wanted to tell my therapist I would picture her next to me on a bench like a friend instead of across from me like a teacher or judge? Sometimes you just have to go for it as, as you've noticed, it's not going to happen any other way.

A thought you might discuss with her, tell her the problem, that you feel stuck? You could discuss that a bit and see what she says about that. Ask her the question :-) of how you can get unstuck.

[(JD)]

This is a common issue for many in therapy, and involves the element of trust. Begin to discuss the fact that you have much to share, but are having trouble telling her (without talking about the actual issues that are troubling you.) That type of dialogue will help both of you get on the same page of how to communicate and understand when you need more help talking. Good wishes!

Blurting it out when really upset seems to be doing it for me right now. T says "it's better to just say it..." Poor guy... *sigh

You know, i pondered this and got a lot of comfort knowing it was normal, expected and OK... like Sky said, it's about trust... and personally, i never knew how bad my trust abilities were until i started this. Go easy on yourself, how can you just "do" what you've either never done or never learned how to do? Quick! Do a sumersault! See what i mean? Learning trust really shouldn't be so hard but this is what we have been dealt... we have to learn different skills and trust.. and someday it will seem easier maybe.. not so much like acrobatics or quatum physics.

What i do NOT understand... is DocJohn.. very sad about this.. One of his frontpage blog thingies is titled "why lie to your therapist?" and it really sounds like he is saying he does not understand why someone might lie or not say things... i am so deeply disappointed. i have always had respect for him, but i don't understand this. It simply cannot BE that he has never heard of trauma, or the concept of being conditioned into fear of telling... much less just the basic fear that folks who have never experienced trauma might have. This is a weird and scary relationship, unique... trust skills can be deficient for a whole host of reasons... how can a parent teach what they didn't know themselves, for example? i dunno what his deal is about this. The best i can figure is that he is just yanking cranks.. you know, ticking people off so they respond maybe? Would he really do that to people? Which idea is worse? being ignorant of such a basic therapy dynamic? or deliberately pushing people for clicks and email addys? i just don't know what to think. (any other possibilities would be appreciated as i am not happy with these two)

i hope that isn't a side track, i thought it was connected you know? People struggle with talking.. i don't know anyone who can just go in an talk easily to start with.. the time to build trust is really variable.

you could talk about that issue itself with your T... how you struggle to talk and know you have things to say but don't feel you can... tell her you are troubled by that... i have always found that talks about the relationship itself have opened up a lot of good stuff and built trust. i'm a talker.. but i was talking in circles, unable to say what i needed to unless i got freaked out some reason and just blurted something out.

[chaotic13]

This issue is currently plaguing me in therapy as well. I find it extremely difficult to express what is going on in my head. Then when I do finally get some information out I realize after the session that what I actually said was a distortion of the truth or in some cases a flat out lie. Then I feel like crap because I'm defeating the purpose of therapy if I lie to her. Because of this cycle I'm afraid to speak without thinking about what I say first. Which then further inhibits my ability to talk.

It is like negative feedback cycle that I can't seem to break: She says I need to verbalize stuff to help me process it -->but when I do verbalize it comes out distorted -->which makes me feel guilty/dishonest/ like I am being overdramatic --> so I don't talk/withhold important information because I can't figure out what it true and what isn't--> she can't help me because she don't have an accurate picture of what is going on.

I have not idea how to correct this behavior.

[tsha]

I have found that it just comes over time, when you are ready. And I think therapists understand this. When you think about it, it has been so many years that it has built up inside us we can't expect it to come pouring out of us all at once.
I've been in therapy 3 years; this has been the most difficult, yet most productive one. Our psyche lets us know when we are ready.
Don't worry about not getting it out. I think most therapist know there's more there.
Be kind to yourself!

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((NUMBERS))). I am sorry that you are struggling at this time with communication with your therapist. Journaling is very good to help you feel less evasive in therapy, when you see a therapist. Even typing out what you want to say and then printing it out and putting it in a notebook, and then taking the notebook with you at your sessions has helped many to feel less threatened by presenting the problems to their therapist, if communication is an issue. Then as time goes by and you feel more adequate and capable of divulging certain experiences to your therapist, then you have the Facts at hand to go back and tell your therapist things that have been on your mind all along. I agree with everyone here that has given very good advice, just telling your therapist you are having trouble communicating your problems to them wil help open a door somewhat so that your therapsit can beging to see where the sessions should lead for the future sessions. Nothing is more important than the truth if you are having trouble communicating with the therapist, then that is certainly something that needs to be addressed so you feel comfortable telling your therapist things in the future, without feeling disregarded by your therapist or that you should start feeling ignored or lessened by frustration, by not being able to have your needs met. Also another thing I would like to mention is that even though you can not communicate as effectively at this time as you would like, your Therapist is very well trained in what is happening through diagnostic and reasonable asessment techniques, and you do not have to feel ignored by not being able to communicate since your therapist is highly trained in assessing the situation by diagnostic reasoning and assurance to be able to treat you while you are not able to communicate effectively. If you have a diagnosis there is always a structured manner in which your therapist will evaluate your sessions and Still try to meet your needs while you are struggling to communicate, so just try to do the best you can and the therapist can help you with your communication problems while giving you adequate therapeutic care as well. Take care (((NUMBERS))). I hope things get better for you soon. Soidhonia. .

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Numbers said:
I've been seeing a psychologist for about a year now, and I still find it extremely hard to talk to her.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Do you think this is a general reluctance on your part to share really difficult information, and you would have difficulty with any therapist? Or do you think you just don't "click" with this psychologist and might do better with someone else? If the latter, maybe it is time to seek a different T. Not everyone is a suitable match. If the former, it sounds like trust issues. These are so common in therapy, as others here have said! You need to build trust slowly and sometimes it takes more than a year. By sharing little things and observing the therapist accept them with empathy and caring, we learn to trust, and can move on to the bigger and more important things. I remember after seeing my T for about 6 months, I revealed something one session and he was flabbergasted. Why didn't you tell me this before? he asked. I hadn't deliberately kept it hidden from him, and we had indeed shared other sensitive information, but this other thing just wasn't ready to come out yet. Stuff will come out when you are ready. "Forcing" the issue is often couterproductive. I agree with others here, to have a discussion with your T about how you feel you haven't gotten to your real issues yet, and you feel stuck.

Best of luck.

[Kiya]

yeah i do the same - finally answer something then realize it wasn't entirely true or a distortion. then i have to go correct it in email - which she really appreciates. she totally gets why one things comes out rather than the truth.

[winterbaby]

Yeah, I was not impressed with that "lie to your therapist" article either...cringe cringe (referring to Mz. Jello's post).

[Numbers]

Thanks for all the replies. It helps a lot just to see so many others have the same problem. It makes it easier to try and tell her I have this problem, because then she's probably used to it. I think telling her it's hard to talk to her might be the way to go. The way you all say it it actually sounds like something she would tell me to say herself.
I liked the email idea, but I don't have her email, so I'm not sure she would like it. But I think telling her to ask me for the paper would be a good idea.
I wondered about the about the lying to your therapist article too, I've never read it though, because I've felt kind of guilty about not being able to tell the truth so I figured it would just make me feel worse.
I don't think I have a problem with the specific therapist. She's very like me in some ways and she speaks in a way I can understand. She even allows me talk to her any way I like. She doesn't mind if I don't look at her. The only thing is she talks a lot. I suppose therapists should do that, but I just wish she would be a little more patient and not jump to conclusions all the time. I guess I just need a little more time to figure out the right way to say things than she's used to.

[ECHOES]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
If I told her some of all this stuff now then how would she take that?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

well I think she would take it as a sign of.. honesty! and a willingess to trust her more. I think it's a great idea to talk about this with her.

my therapist says to "begin where you are" and this is where you are.

glad it wasn't just me

therapy is hard sometimes numbers... and despite my being sure, my T tells me i'm not "doing it wrong." i suspect a lot of feel that we are. You aren't doing it wrong either... you're doing YOUR therapy as you can, how you can. There aren't many rules... just ones like not physically throttling your T.

[cajun]

Numbers, Just go in one day and "spill your guts". Tell her everything. I know it's hard but you need to get to the root of the problem before you can get better. I'm praying for you, as always. ((((((((e-daughter))))))

[Kelly3]

I'm pretty much the same - I haven't spoken much at all. theres only been one session where i've made a sentence up.
and then i regretted opening my mouth.
so, i know exactly how it is.
it's like i'm scared of her knowing whats going on in my head.
idk.
When she asks me a question i'm uncomfortable with i just turn my head - she gets the message.

Part of me's thinking about letting her see my diary, but it's got some pretty screwed up stuff in there.
ssoo idk.

you're not alone.
((((numbers))))
xx

((((((((numbers)))))))

Cajun is right ..... you have to spill your guts to get it out and then work at it ..... write it down if you have to

love you lots of hugs from e.mom xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox