Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

L,
It's unfair that you let your family dictate whether we wear masks or not. I get you don't want to get sick for your wedding. And I 100% agree with it. But I feel it's slightly hypocritical. I can't ask that all your guests wear masks, sit six feet apart, and have adequate air flow so that you don't get sick during/after your wedding which would affect our in-person sessions...

I love you. I don't expect you to change anything. I just want you to see things from my perspective.

Today is 11 months since my last session with my transference T. I ate an Aero bar this morning. When I think of her I just remember the video sessions mainly. I am forgetting a lot of stuff about her.

To be honest current T one of the reasons I wanted to do a remote session besides the fact I had to was because our remote sessions are intense and I don't bring up my transfereence T during video sessions.

Dear T,
Pretty stressed about the dishwasher thing, especially how H was handling it last night, with snapping at me and throwing things in anger (not at me, of course). He handled the recent minor sink leak so well, that I thought he was over that sort of tantruming over something not working. I briefly thought about emailing you, but realized I could manage it. At least he seems much more rational this morning.

I find it interesting that something like that, where you'd think it would lead to great anxiety on my part, I just sort of switch into "figure it out" mode, where I'm researching what repair might cost vs. getting a new one (we're going with that, as the one we have is really old anyway and is likely near the end of its lifespan, even if we fix this issue). Ordering some compostable disposable plates and utensils. Etc.

But then something seemingly minor can send me into a total panic. Maybe it's partly that if H is freaking out, then I automatically shift into rational mode? I don't know, but might be something to discuss. Especially as that can seem to come out with our parenting, too.

Hm, also, maybe the breathwork and yin yoga earlier in the day had just put me into a more calm mindset?

Love,
LT

Not good. Bad. Fml.

L,
I am NOT challenging you! Stop challenging me! I asked for empathy and understanding... There's a huge difference: you were exposed, I have never been. You are very social, I am not. You're having a party, I visit with limited family not very often.

I'm sick of all these empty promises. I was told 10 years ago that therapy and meds would make me better and I've been doing that for the past decade, yet here I am still wanting to die, only fatter and akathetic.

I am in a different kind of email limbo now. I actually sent the email we were talking about. I have no idea how this will pan out. We will talk about it either way, I feel.

I had a bad dream about my family member that recently died. In it, I realized I was dreaming and that he's dead. This is something that has happened with other people/pets that are gone. Usually it's actually kind of good. I don't actually believe in an afterlife, so it's not like I think they are visiting me in my dreams. But somehow it still feels therapeutic to be able to tell them that I miss them. To hug them again and just... I don't know, appreciate being with them knowing that it's only temporary. Hard to explain.

Anyway, this dream wasn't good. I started crying a little bit and told him I missed him. He got really cold and told me to stop it.

Ugh. Maybe it's because he didn't die of natural causes? Because I can't help but wonder if I could have made a difference? Because part of me is angry with him for being so careless? I am not angry at him for relapsing. That's something I can understand. I find it harder to get over him not taking any measures to mitigate risk. Not do it alone. Have some narcan just in case and someone to administer it. At the same time, I understand this may have been something completely impulsive, that he was so desperate that he was careless.

This was my first dream of him since he died. With others, I have dreamed of them multiple times. I hope that next time is different.

You heartless, duplicitous, biped.

L,
I know you have a life and a lot going on right now, but would you please think about me, check your emails, and respond?! I'm tired and can't stay up much longer waiting for a reply...

Shower day. And here I am again putting it off.

Great session today, sometimes I wish I could have transcripts to look back on, though. They’d be useful.

Dear T,
It felt like you were being protective of me at one point in session today. It felt nice. It also helped to know that you might have said the same thing I did in that situation, even though you acknowledged that what I said could have just made it worse. Wish we could have talked for longer.

Also, I liked when I asked what you were doing, when you were apparently plugging in your Macbook, and you said what you were doing, then added, "I was giving you a virtual hug."

Love,
LT

Dear Julieanne. Please be gentle, patient, and most of all brilliant tonight. Thanks, Kit

I don't know why I cancelled, but then I don't know why I would have attended. This feeling of being adrift is very sad.

Dear Old T,

I will be very surprised if you reply to my last email. I think we are probably done here, aren't we. If I could say a few final words to you, I would struggle to know what to say. In one breath I would want to say "thank you. Thank you for helping me all the times that you have helped me. My life has changed dramatically, in a lot of ways for the better, and I know you have played a part in that." In another breath I would want to say "F*'! You, and F*'! This. What a waste of time and money this has been. Thanks for that. I wish I had never met you... I wish I had never taken this path. Maybe there are some things you just can't heal from. Or maybe there are some people who just too selfish to be helped. Maybe I am one of those people."

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Hey, oh best t I ever had! What up? You wanna know something? At going on 6 weeks since we said adios I am beginning to look back in a good bit of awe at how our therapeutic relationship "worked". The nuts and bolts of it and ****. You know? The transference (that went both ways, I know now), my projections (gazillions of them probably haha), my resistance and the way we gradually wore it down, etc etc etc. There were plenty of times when I got so pissed at you. Eventually 'fessed up to most of them and we talked through them. So goldang grateful that BOTH of us stuck it out til the end. I know I was no picnic a lot of times. Your patience was amazing. And when it wasn't, how could I blame you? I couldn't. OMG the letter that I wanted to write you, but didn't and you know why, I now want to write. I'm going to, in my last therapy journal which isn't filled yet so this will fill it up the rest of the way and then I will put it into the big *** storage container that holds the rest of 10 years worth of spiral notebook journals. I like looking through them from time to time and seeing my progression over the years. It makes me feel good inside and I know that not one minute (or one dollar!) was wasted. Even though it took 10 years! Like ya said, I'm a "slow cooker". Overall it's the best damn thing I ever did, sticking it out, seeing it through.


Good work, L. I sincerely hope that you consider me one of your successes. Even though I still have work to do, I honestly believe that we did really good work together and that I would not be where I am now without you.

Hey E, I am (almost) sure that your e-mail response will be kind and helpful. I hate the anxiety of waiting and wondering that maybe THIS time will be the time you don't write back/are sick of me. Do you think that anxiety will ever go away? Probably not, especially since you don't know about it! haha.

L,
I miss last Spring and Summer when you had more time for me. Now you have a full work schedule, have a social life again, and have gotten married. Your life is growing. Mine will never grow.

I'm really hurt that I can't see your face tomorrow again. I haven't seen your face in a week and a half, and I won't be able to see it for another week and a half. That's 3 week, L!

P.S. - Your fee system sucks! I'm trying to pay you, but it won't let me!

Thanks, L. Even just as your voice in my head you're awesome! It was so helpful at 2 am this morning when I was starting to feel guilty about eating that much pizza. It was good though. Especially the brownie.

Dear Julieanne. I'm sorry you got Covid. I suppose it's just a matter of time before we all get it in some form or another since it doesn't seem to be going away any time soon. I have no problem with you rescheduling me to today but I hope that you are doing pretty well when we talk and not like hacking or coughing all the way through it because then I will be worried about you instead of focusing on what I need to talk about--still not sure what that is, but I want it to be my time and about me not the other way around. I think it's important for T's to model good self care for their clients so I hope you are one of those T's that do that, although I do appreciate you wanting to not miss sessions. Germ free Hug, Kit

Two more sleeps. We haven't exactly analysed something I've written over multiple sessions before, but I think this piece warrants it. I think I need to read it aloud. I need to read it aloud in its entirety.

I didn't wear my hat yesterday. And I was called him by the person at the front desk. That proves that I pass without the hat. You know how attached I am to my hat because I feel like I pass more with it. Yesterday gave me the confidence to go back to work when I physically am able to.

Dr. S, I need to take the full dose of Adderall tomorrow. I have to give a training first thing in the morning.

Maybe I will try taking a full dose of Adderall at 7am and taking the Wellbutrin at noon.

Also, I haven't been getting much new cleaning done because I'm so tired from cutting back. I am maintaining the cleaned areas, though. That's more than I can claim I usually do.

I don't want to pester you again before my next appointment about this, so I'm just going to see if I can get away with taking 40mg Adderall at 7am and the 200mg Wellbutrin at noon without the anxiety getting too intense.