Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I'm trying to decide if I want to go to weekly sessions with you or go with a different therapist altogether. I mean, if I followed your advice I would probably be dead (or at least on North Woods Law) by now. It is convenient timing. We're getting into trauma stuff and this is usually when I take flight, but I've been told by multiple other providers that most of my dysfunction is trauma related so I should stick around and try and work on it right? I just can't wrap my head around discussing what happened with other people. I mean I wrote a freaking poem about it because it was bothering me and poetry is my outlet and there's one line that keeps popping into my head and I get flashbacks when it does and it makes me feel like I'm just broken. I did better when I didn't even know what happened to me was abuse. When I denied it ever happened. When I told myself I wanted what happened to happen and that I deserved it (not that I don't still do that).

I don't know. I just wish there were simple problems with simple answers rather than complex problems with no real solutions. I wish I couldn't see every possibility and get in some stasis trying to figure out which is the best until my gut impulsively chooses whatever's convenient at the time. I want you to know me, but I don't even know me. I've lost my sense of self due to the trauma. Actually, I don't think I've ever had one to begin with. I've had skills and I told myself I loved those things because I was good at them, but now I realize I hate them and so I abandoned them and they're not even skills anymore and I just feel so ****ing empty.

I wish you could help me with that. But I'm not used to being the first one to be vulnerable in any sort of relationship. I guess that makes therapy hard since you're obviously not going to open up to me about your past traumas and addictions.

Why can't you just be happy I went outside and got myself treats? That was a very snotty reply you made but I didn't stoop to your level. I wanted to ask you what you'd done lately to deserve any treats, but I didn't. Instead I said I also wished you had treats. So shame on you for begrudging me my treats.

You're the one who told me to send you a picture as proof I went out so you shouldn't be so irritable when I do. I only sent you one last week because I didn't want to bother you. But then you asked why I didn't send more. Maybe you just shouldn't respond to me when you're grumpy until you feel better.

Now I'm angry at you all over again that you never responded to that text I sent yesterday.

I think maybe I won't send you any more pictures. Then you'll ask me why and I can say because you had nothing nice to say. Which is kind of a passive aggressive, manipulative strategy but oh well!

Dr. S, today wasn't too bad. Halving the Adderall helped with the anxiety. However, it may have been tougher if I'd actually had work to do rather than a handful of quick client emails and some minor configuration changes to make.

Dear E and T: 12 hours until the surgery. Please think or me tomorrow. I'm so scared.

L,
Are you ready for tomorrow's conversation? I think I am if you are. Please help guide the conversation with questions. I know I shouldn't worry because you do a lot of talking, but I know if it were left up to me, we'd either get lost or sit in silence.

I resent your intrusion into my mind when I woke up this morning. How rude of you. Please be more considerate in future.

Six more sleeps, I think. I know you've heard the letter now, but I think it's important for me that you hear it in my voice.

Dear T,
Do I talk about it today? Or wait until Monday? Maybe I just see how I feel when I see you and we start talking? As I realized a related topic we could cover instead that's tied into how we ended last session about the "cringey ****" from our pasts.

Love,
LT

What is happening to me? Just now I was so tempted to give my unsolicited opinion on something and chose to bite my tongue instead. It's hard when you want to say something to someone for the right reasons but know it won't be constructive because they aren't ready to hear it. And because you are too blunt and don't know how to be otherwise.

Also I think my sister is mad at me.

Dr. S, I find that I'm still feeling irritable at the thought of doing one of the things I usually enjoy. Well really the only two things I've been enjoying recently. I haven't even been playing games compulsively on my phone. That's really unusual. I'm trying to work myself up to turning on an audiobook and seeing if it's as annoying as it feels it will be.

I am so f*@+cking angry with your whole profession right now. It seriously feels like a con, and you are all con artists. I want to turn my back and walk away forever.

Old T, you opened the door into this secretive, manipulative world six years ago and beckoned me in with a luring smile and eyes that on the surface showed care and compassion and help. I now feel stupid because I was fooled. Not straight away, but over the course of a few months I allowed you to convince me that things could be different. That people could care. Well, I should have known better. You don't care, any more than I care about my hairdresser. It's all words. It's all just ****ing words.

When it really comes down to it, I have always been, and will always continue to be, the only one who gives a **** about me, and I need to go back to that right now. I need go go back to that place and I need to remember not to trust any of you. It's all just words.

Dear T,
Thanks for being so accepting about that, even if I had apparently told you part of it before. Your comment on how I think of myself as a "bad girl" who deserves to be punished, how I judge myself so much more harshly than I do anyone else--that's spot on. I hope you can help me further work through that. Perhaps that could be my 45th (eek!) birthday gift to myself, to begin viewing myself through less harsh eyes.

What was up with that one example though, with the family friends and their tragedy? Yikes! I know you were trying to put my stuff in perspective, but still...

Love,
LT

I miss Steve's Friday updates. They started out as weekly, then became monthly...and now they obviously don't happen. I have all the emails, but the thought of actually looking at them stings.

Dr. S: I can listen to my audiobook and am enjoying that. I still can't play a video game. I tried. Haven't tried watching TV.

I'm very sleepy. I'm not sure if I've actually fallen asleep, but I have been just sort of floating with my eyes closed, listening to my book. This isn't unpleasant, but I can't live like this every day. Obviously.

I want to run the dishwasher today and tidy my cleaned areas. If I can bear it, I will also do some more tidying in my room. That will require that I fetch the recycling can and put it under my bedroom window so I can just drop the recycling into it.

I am going away again. This is me in classic avoidance mode. I can't afford it, I am supposed to be working, I have many other things to do, I should be visiting my friend to support her, I am on the verge of a disciplinary procedure at work. This is not the time to go away and yet here I go. I feel such dread and heaviness and desolation about life that trying to escape feels essential. I need to buy land. And I need money. You are useless in these regards. I need to marry a millionaire instead of wasting my time with you.

All I really want to talk about is my siblings, and moon about your house waxing lyrical about how happy I am we went through the process of reaching out to them. I’m like a lovesick teenager and I know this would probably raise an eyebrow, or elicit a good humoured eye roll from you, because it’s something important to me, and so far has turned out better than I hoped for, but it’s not what our sessions are meant to be about.
And yesterday, I had a moment where I felt really serene, and almost like I was a whole person, not just this struggling child riding around in an adult body, while listening to Defying Gravity. The lyrics are very appropriate. Is that what healing feels like? Whatever it was, I liked it!

Dear T: I appreciate it SO much that you called to check in on me today. I felt like our session on Wednesday was off, probably bc of the covid news you got/your bday...but you redeemed it today. Talk to you next week!

E: Thanks for the email. It really makes me feel a little bit better knowing my T's seem to care about my well-being, even when not in session.

Thanks

I'm irritable. Maybe next week I'll open the session by talking about how therapists have more narcissistic traits than the general public. I can read you some excerpts from studies.

I'm just laughing at a conversation we had the other week where you were confused and thought I was going to go to Chuck e Cheese and I was confused by your reaction and I said "why?" And you said "because your a 28 year old man." And you looked legit scared even though I had no plans on going there.

Sometimes our misunderstandings are pretty funny.

I wish I had gone for a walk last night when the snow was fresh and lovely. There's something so melancholy to me about snow melting. Probably a remnant of childhood when this signified an end to fun and snow days from school.

What shall my goals be for today? I failed to do any cleaning in my room yesterday, so I should probably do that. If I just did the recycling, that would be a big improvement. Unload the dishwasher. There are other things I'd like to make goals, but I'm really trying to stick to goals I know I can 100% manage if I choose to.

Dear T,

I think our discussion yesterday was well-timed with that yoga/meditation reboot course starting last night. It helped keep me in a thoughtful state, one of self-care, rather than of negative thoughts. Well, along with some of what you said to me. Though I slept very poorly and was a bit panicky for a bit this morning, so it's not all sunshine and roses.

But then, once I calmed down some, I went ahead and did today's meditation/breathwork component, and it seemed to help calm me more (I know, I know, what have you been suggesting off and on all along?) Just did the yin yoga/meditation part, and we were supposed to journal right after that--poorly timed with D and H getting home right as I was starting the journaling part (I'd intended to do that tonight). But I think I came up with some good thoughts that actually tie into the end of yesterday's session. So I think I'll share those with you Monday (they're short!).

So I'm trying!
Love,
LT

Dude. There's something else you were right about, that you said last time we met; it really doesn't, does it? Yesterday I didn't even notice when it was what used to be our session time. I thought about it at like 4pm or something when I went to the grocery store, which leaving my house is in the same direction as your house so... muscle memory? ha.

Once our January overtime is done with, I'm going to start attending those weekly zoom drum circles. I'm not sure how I'll feel if we both happen to show up at the same one. Huh. I know we already discussed if that happens, so I suppose I'll just plan to go with what we already decided and not worry about it.

Other than the continuing covid crap, and working too much, life post-therapy is pretty darn good.

I feel like you are honestly a bit worried about the age thing. Since next month I'll be older then you but I act and look so much younger it can become confusing. I personally can see past that and can forget about it during sessions. But I am not sure if you can. I know last week you seemed uncomfortable when I asked what month you were born. I was just wondering. I don't care.

But its like the song Riptide

"I just wanna I just wanna know, if you're gonna, if you're gonna stay."

I just don't want to be screwed over by another person because this one would hurt. The last therapist was a transphobic bigot. So I didn't care that it was personal. I just sometimes get transfernce T vibes from you and I still believe I am not 100% over her either.

If I lose my job, will you split your income and pension with me? We don't necessarily need to get married (I know you are already married to that wretched butch lesbian who plays golf); although in many ways this would be the most obvious way to proceed. We could draw up a monthly standing order from your bank account to mine, set at a realistic but generous amount. Alternatively, you could sign over the rights of various assets and investments which you might have, but this seems like it might involve more legal process than marriage or monthly payments. I feel quite flexible about the means and method, but something needs to be done ASAP because I cannot continue working. I am not one of life's natural producers and I don't want to get all Marxist about the matter, but you are a terrible parasite. You need to learn to contribute. It can be a financial gain for me, a personal development quest for you.

I feel kind of sick about some social realities (for want of a better term) of my situation and fear I might have a massive emotional blowout if I keep thinking about it. The list of things I’m angry about seems to be getting longer each week at the moment. Yesterday morning I felt so serene and powerful; now, like I need to book myself into one of those rooms where people break plates and stuff with a baseball bat. I feel like I need to take you with me to show you how angry I am. Maybe you already have an inkling, though.

I feel like uber eats shouldn't bug me to order something when the roads are all icy.

Anyway, I had a pretty decent day today. I wonder if what I did when I woke up helped. As usual, one of my first thoughts on waking was that I felt surprisingly optimistic. I think that usually gets the ball rolling on my rumination cycle where I feel anxious that I will start feeling bad and it's a self fulfilling prophecy. I can't remember exactly what I told myself, but the intention was to interrupt that train of thought before I start worrying. I think it was something vaguely encouraging, but not toxically positive.

I think it probably also helped that I had to walk to the gas station to get a charging cord for my phone. The gas station is only like a quarter mile away and it was nice and cold out. This would be the opposite of helpful during warm or even almost warm weather. I got myself some skittles as a reward.

I need to think of some non-food rewards. The problem is I'm trying not to accumulate more stuff. I have enough stuff. That's why food works so well. Other things that would be used up don't really appeal. I really don't enjoy bathing, so a fancy bath and body sort of thing doesn't feel like a reward. I guess I do really like lip balm and consistently use that, multiple times per day. That's an idea. Maybe a pot of that Savannah Bee honey lotion that smells so nice. Although that's a rather big treat since it's more than $20. Could be suitable for doing my taxes or worse, going to the doctor.

I wonder if getting up and going somewhere soon after waking, like today, would help my mood. Most likely it would. I guess I could go get a coffee after morning meeting. I will consider that. If going that early feels too icky, I could go at lunch. I can easily justify spending $15/week on coffee if it helps me break the negative spiral I've been experiencing every day.

No promises about any of this, though. That will just give me something to add to my anxiety cycle - another thing I'm worried will be too overwhelming for me to succeed.