Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Um. I'm not as okay as I thought I was with you saying no to the letter I asked you for. Was it really that much to ask? I even said short was fine, that I just wanted something. But you still said no.

Finally. Here come the tears. Why L? Why couldn't you just do that one little thing? Did I really ask you for so much? I would have been happy with one or two little sentences. Just something that was from you. But you couldn't do that for me.

Why not? Why am I not worthy of that?

****.

You are, Artie. The ending of your relationship with L baffles me a bit.

Thanks, Velcro. Yeah, me too. I mean I know I initiated it and all but... the way that it came about... it had been coming for awhile in retrospect, but that one day on the phone when she yelled at me... I guess I just knew at that point it was over. Maybe we should have spent a little bit more time making sure all the loose ends were tied up but... in the end, it is what it is, and I can't change it now so I have to just accept it and move on, and hold onto all of the positive changes and growth that I found before it all went to hell. She was never who I thought she was, who I wanted her to be, and that's on both of us. I'll stop now.

L, you know what, I still love you and all but I'm starting to be of the opinion right about now that you should be thinking about retiring.

T,
Please have room for me for a session! I'm not doing well, but I also don't want to reach out to you in a crisis. I'm trying to stay strong, but L getting married is more upsetting to me than I realized. I could really use your support.

L,
I've been crying for you. Why don't you get it? If you move, we are done. You cannot practice here if you aren't physically in this state. If you move it will be your H's fault. Therefore, I HATE him!

Hi R,

So, there's I want to share with you. When Steve wrote his second book, he put together a Spotify playlist of songs that I guess he used whilst writing.

Music while writing isn't really my thing, but I find that I'm drawn to the opening track on that playlist.

Considering the turn that things took, it's kind of prescient.

'When morning comes, you won't be here alone...'

Everything felt bad last night, maybe I’m thinking too black and white or catastrophising, but I feel like certain people (mum, maybe sister in law too) are still trying to undermine or control me in subtle ways and it feels like walking on eggshells just thinking about the *exact* right way to respond, which in itself is a red flag. Sometimes it’s ok, other times I get accused of being snappy or bolshy even if I’m actually being calm. Consistency and feeling like I’m being listened to would help immensely. I’m still convinced, like you, that mum (and our relationship) would benefit from counselling, but I know she will never go. It seems worse now I’m trying to move out and have a semblance of a truly independent life for whatever time I might have left. I feel like I’m imagining some of it, though. Nothing I could prove in a court of law, because it’s subtle and occasional. It’s crazy making, all the same.
Sorry for the essay. I’ll see you Monday if nothing changes.

Once again in the light of day... I'm feeling better about everything and getting closer to just letting it go.

Well that was disastrous. Why won’t you just give me what I need. I hate your stupid boundaries. They are punitive and are all about protecting you, not what is best for me. And yes I absolutely know I’m being unreasonable. But you deserve it.

Why are these feelings coming up again? I don't appreciate it. I thought I was over this ridiculousness. Apparently not and I don't know how I should deal with them.

It's probably your fault. You've tricked me somehow.

**** transference and **** you, too.

I’m angry T. How can you just let me sit there and cry hysterically because I desperately just want my past to be different and all the hurt and pain to have never have happened, and then whilst I am still extremely distressed at the end of the session, just send me on my merry way knowing that I am going home to an empty house and have nobody I can talk to or comfort me. How the hell can you do that? That isn’t caring about me, that’s abandonment. Exactly the same as what everyone else has done. Is therapy just repeating those same patterns? The intense pain that it causes me certainly feels like it. Why won’t you soothe me, comfort me and reassure me. For once just take off your therapist hat and be a human being.

I have absolutely no idea what made me tearful in our last session. Absolutely no idea at all. I'm hoping you can remember. I'm also hoping that these changes mean this feels more doable, with you, in that space. I'm not sure what we will do if it isn't any better.

You know how you told me to reach out to someone? I did, and you'll never guess who!! The guy who abused me! I did my homework, yay!

I just realized that 6 weeks ago right now we were sitting together talking and I was preparing myself to say goodbye to you. How has it been 6 weeks already? Have you even noticed my absence on Fridays at all? Or have you been doing a little happy dance because you don't have to deal with me anymore.

I was kinda annoyed at some of your comments about work and discrimnation. How are you so sure that will happen?

Last night I looked at transferences T's facebook but it didn't phase me. I bought 2 bags of Goldfish crackers today but not the pizza ones.

I guess the only time I thought about therapy today was when I was thinking of my birthday which is in a week and how last year I spent it in bed super S and depressed with a raging blizzard outside and I had forgotten to tell my transference T that Tuesday it was my birthday on Thursday but since the email boundaries were in place I knew I wouldnt get a happy birthday email anyways.

But what I am trying to say is I am hoping this year will be better. I have way more support this year and after my surgery in October I have rarely gotten S and not to the extreme that I got last year.

Dear T,
As bothered as I initially was by your being 5 minutes late to the second session in a row, I'm glad it worked out that you had to stay in that location in your house for our session due to running late. As it led you to showing me the pet sea turtle (twice!), plus being able to see your cat and dog again after a long time. And your stroking the cat's chin. I think that did more to calm my concerns than anything you said could have. Well, and the fact that you were wearing a hoodie instead of a dress shirt this time.

Think it was a really productive session, if rather intense at times. And left me with lots to think about. I also learned some animal facts!

Love,
LT

Are you going to drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music and then just sit around and and soak up in your awesomeness?

I followed the food log yesterday although I did have a full calorie soda and some ice cream. But I had tuna and caulfilower. I have today logged in already and it is more planned out and balanced.

No joke I am a bit worried about my appointment with my kidney doctor on Tuesday. Just the fact that I got the appointment right away concerns me a bit. The appointment will already be over by the time we meet on Wednesday though so we can discuss it then.

My birthday is on Friday. Will you say happy birthday and ask what I have planned or will you prove my point and be weird and not want to discuss it.

Last year I didn't mention my birthday at all in therapy and I regretted it and I spent the day in bed in a deep depression.

I'm eating Goldfish crackers right now. Not the pizza ones my transference T liked, but the whole grain ones my bigot T asked if I ate. I didn't eat them until she brought them up. Yeah I guess I can kinda see what you are talking about when you say creepy behavior. But today is not a day where I give a **** about that. Goldfish crackers have just become a food staple for me at this point tbh.

I think you jinxed me. I thought I was out of the woods with the mania thing but I've just had an "aha" moment that things may be slipping. It started with waking up a lot from weird dreams, now it's just not sleeping much at all. I made plans to hang out with the guy you told me to back out of plans with a while back (which I did, but then as I stated earlier I contacted him and yeah, we have plans. At my place )

I'm not going to contact my NP because it's a pain in the arse and I'm sick of trying to get a hold of her and waiting DAYS to hear back from a nurse I don't know that they're making a med change I never agreed to and would never agree to if I had a chance to discuss it. I think if I do call I'm just going to say I can't handle the side effects of Haldol anymore and I absolutely refuse to take it at all. See what they say about that.

I've been continuing to learn Danish, and I'm making good progress. However, a new example sentence has started coming in. Considering everything, it's hard going.



I mean, really?

Dr. S, I did not take my Wellbutrin today. I haven't been on it long enough to go through withdrawal, so I thought I'd see how I feel without. I know I should have consulted you. I don't know if abruptly stopping a medication that raises the risk of seizure also raises the risk. Oh well, too late to take it now anyway.

I had another dream about you last night - a very clear wish fulfilment dream. Weirdly, your hair was white and glowing luminous again. What’s with that? I can’t wait to get your take on it on Monday.

E: I haven’t heard from you, and now am convinced you didn’t make it home in the snow last night. Please write me back? I will write you again, a sad, email if you don’t-haha.

Hiya, Hiya, Hiya!! Little me is missing you very much indeed and wishing I could have been a part of your family. There's still time, you know!!