Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I just ate some taco bell and am now reconsidering taking a shower. I did pick up some in the living room and I'm going to pop all the dog toys into the washing machine after I'm done eating. I think a pre-mop with the wet swiffer might be necessary before actually mopping. Also I think you should know that I think taco bell nacho cheese tastes like vomit.

Also the taco bell came in a KFC bag. And it's not from one of those joint taco bell kfc.

Dear T,
Thanks for finding me an earlier spot. I hope tomorrow when I explain part of the reason why, you aren't annoyed or anything. But you also didn't ask the reason. And if it's mostly due to psychological distress, I don't know why you'd be annoyed? If I'd tried to explain it over text, I think you would have been (though I don't know, your texting boundaries seem fuzzier lately, but I didn't want to take a chance). So, see you at 10 then.

Love,
LT

I hope your appointment goes as well as possible @LonesomeTonight

I enjoy being able to text you anytime, about anything

I know you are going to ask how I am going & I know I’m going to reply with “ok”. But the truth is I’m not ok….I’m tired of the constant struggle, the deep feelings of not being good enough & carrying the sadness that lives within.
I know I should share this with you but right now it just feels easier to say that I’m ok!

I am assuming that the reason I am still thinking about you so much is because indeed there is something unfinished between us, plus my stressful life of late. I can't help it I miss you, I miss 'us' and the stress (between h's new heart problem/sr cat's new health issues/working way too much overtime still) that I'm feeling right now makes that all the more. I want to talk to YOU. I'm hoping a short check-in phone call on Friday will be just enough where I'll know you're still there and I won't need to tell you any of that stuff just talk about the positives will be enough. Because there are positives. I know for a fact that in the past, these "it's life" things all at once would have had me curled in a ball in my closet sobbing. But I'm holding it together fairly well, I mean nobody's perfect I'm eating chocolate and drinking wine more than I should, haha but I'm getting through it by doing a lot of writing, drumming, using calming incense, making sure I get out in the sunshine every day, staying hydrated, and of course "talking" to you in my head.... but when they added back the 6th day at work... well now I want to actually talk to you for real briefly.

I am still on the fence about the survey. It would help, as always, if there was a clear cut 'right' and 'wrong'. I have spent two weeks thinking about something that would take 15 minutes to do. Is swapping one kind of pain for another ever worth it?

Things have changed. I know you say this is ‘only’ a therapy relationship but it has changed. Oddly my obsessiveness has decreased tons, I don’t need to see you every week, which feels great. But at the same time you feel so distant and cold. You’ve changed how you work with me. And I can’t talk about it with you cause you do t like to talk about therapeutic relationship. You do t like to talk about how you feel about it. You don’t understand that it matters that you like me. It’s all so pathetic

When I said I was afraid you would run away when I told you the thing, this is what I meant. Being distant or not there is the same as running away.

Thank you!

this song is giving me all the damn feels for some reason this morning.

Dear T,
Like I said, that session was very helpful. You're right that I just need to come to terms with the fact that I'm an emotional person and that it's OK. (And I'll take "emotional" over my word choice of "crazy.") And I guess "disgust" plays into that, too--I think that's considered an emotion? Your suggestions on talking to D about my mental health struggles made sense, too, though as we both said, don't know how much she'll understand.

And that was a rather amusing bit of disclosure about your relationship with your wife. Hope it was OK that I referenced it at the end, but it was just too fitting with the example you gave.

I'll go watch that SNL skit you suggested, too.

Love,
LT

This tightness in my chest needs to go away.

Why do you speak to me like this? I realise that I present as steely and hard hearted, but that is not all that I am. I am hurt by the things you say. I wish you were better attuned to my vulnerability after all these years and didn't treat my sessions like a bear pit.

Dear T,
I did go for that walk. Think it helped get some stress out.

Love,
LT

I can't believe you're going off and leaving me.

T: I am glad you realized that everything you were saying was not helpful to me. I wouldn’t have been able to tell you, but thanks for being aware enough to know I wasn’t having it. I just need him back. Nothing else will help.

Dear T,

Yeah, you see, I think I figured it out. I'm not ready for you to have it yet. It doesn't belong with you any more than it belonged with me. K held all of that for me so that I could get on with creating a life for myself, but when that stopped it was just dumped back at my feet. I'm not ready to hold it all myself yet, but neither am I ready to hand it over to you.

T,

Being not there, being distant, or being indifferent, is very much like running away.

Yesterday was ok. But I feel like I may not be being fair to you by not discussing what went on last week. Thanks though for not commenting on my white tank top that was loose on my right shoulder and my black hoodie that was only zipped up half way. It may have looked sloppy but I was not able to dress that way before I transtioned and the outfit made me feel good.

ha ha'ing at myself at another realization. maybe i should wait a lil longer before i call and check in...

Are you mad at me? Sometimes you look at me sadly like the things I say hurt your feelings. Or like the things you say hurt my feelings. The things you say don't hurt my feelings, they make me paranoid. I often don't agree with this age thing. I think us being the same age is getting in the way a lot of the time. But I don't have that many other options I don't think.

I cant even think about the therapist I had before I moved anymore. The one I called my transference T. I am so worked up over my current one I just don't have the energy to focus on both of them. I have not thought about her in awhile.

E: Thanks for checking in on me even though i will see you tomorrow.

I want you to like me. Don't give up on me. I'll try harder in sessions but I hate it when you look at me like that. Either like you feel sorry for me or that I am making you feel sad.

What the **** is going on. Transference T #2? It only took a year.

I need you to pay attention to me right now, not next week.

I don't want you to go on vacation. That means I'll be on my own for two weeks. You would say it's one week, but you're wrong. True I would only miss one session but it's still an extra week on top of the one that is the usual space between sessions. One session != one week.

Yes, it bothers me when you insist on saying it's one week. Like that time you left me and nobody in my family wanted me to stay with them at Christmas. And you said it was a week but it was actually 3 between the time I last saw you in December and my first session in January.

So yes you are going off and leaving me for two weeks without a care in the world.