Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Thank you for responding. I was on the brink of concluding you weren't going to, which I'm not sure I could have overlooked.

And now I'm mad/disgusted with myself for getting completely dysregulated but it's so hard to calm down once I've gotten upset. Which is why I usually suppress feeling hurt.

I'm not okay. If I can't talk to you about it, then who?

"You can make me scream internally."
Yeah, as soon as I opened up this thread I hear that and it's no coincidence--that's God at work. I was initially upset you didn't get back to me after my SOS call Friday morning as it is now after hours Monday night, but I'm trying to detach myself from "the agency" so don't be surprised if I don't show up (physically or mentally) this week. My CD is over. I'm free.

I remember being in transference T's office and talking about weight gain and telling her I was wearing shapeshifter when I meant shapewear. That was 2.5 years ago and I still cringe whenever I think of that. I wish she had asked me what the **** I was talking about the way my current T would. My current T would burst out laughing and tell me I had used the wrong term instead of making me go without realizing my mistake until I was in the parking lot.

You know what I mean? When you say something incorrect thats goofy like that you want to be corrected instead of hanging onto to embarrasment for years.

Dear T, When we texted this morning and you told me you where on your way home back from vacation it made my day today. I just can't wait til i see you and hopefully soon. It's been too long and im feeling very overwhelmed with anxiety.
Love,
Cheryl

I appreciate you finally responding to my email asking if you had a cancellation for today, but did you really think I'd be able to make it to the office in time for a 9AM appointment when you sent the email at 8:30? I guess you just didn't have any openings since I sent my email to you yesterday at 11AM. Although I feel like I am giving you an awful lot of credit right now.

Also don't freak out when I tell you I've lost 10 pounds since our last in person session. I had no appetite being so low on valium for a week.

I'm not expecting you to reply in kind. It would be nice if you did, but I don't think you will. It just needed saying. I miss you.

You will NOT be satisfied with how well I did your "don't do anything I wouldn't do" advice (I doubt you would have unprotected sex with someone you haven't seen in forever, crash a car, deplete a vast majority of your savings account, and spend all your days rolling around on the floor and call it "dancing" within a week). Leo is back following me I can't see him but someone told me he's here and I felt his presence again.

You really hit a nerve today. I'm extremely triggered. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.

Well I emailed you about the topic I want to bring up that I won't be able to unless I give you a heads up first. I feel like if I tell you in email first that its a tough subject you won't be so taken aback in person in the morning. I don't know why I am so scared to tell you but 3 other therapists I was ok with. If it is just the age thing or that you do joke around a lot and this is not a joking matter to me. But just please be ok about it.

Your reply was not good enough! Yes you mirrored me correctly, but it's too late. You said what you said when I told you not to go deeper. And you didn't even apologize! I know better than to act out, but **** it's so tempting! I want to hurt you the way you carelessly hurt me. You knew better! Why were you not gentler? And why did you do it at the end and then expect me to be okay when I left. You KNEW that was one of the most sensitive areas in my life and relationship with you! You hit that deep well of pain. Yes! You pushed me off the ******* waterfall! And left me to swim to shore all by myself.

Well, nobody could be as shocked as I at the sudden burst of productivity I just had. I wonder if I'm feeling a little better? I'm trying not to get my hopes up about that.

This pain is immense! I'm hurting so badly. Why did you have to say that?!?! Amd why haven't you checked in on me? You know how bad that hurt! I've been basically crying since I left. I'm completely exhausted.

Dear New T,

So the rug worked then... Out of all that I shared yesterday I have taken one thing away with me. The unfinished piece in my art journal. I'm making a canvas from it now. I bought this canvas with the idea of doing something different, but it has been repurposed now and it feels right to be doing this. This will be the third major piece I have done through my therapy. I'll bring the other two I told you about next week, with this one, if it is done...

Im trying everything youve suggested and its not lifting my mood yet. Ill keep trying.

One more sleep.

You are not a moose, you are not a God, you cannot save me.

Thank you. I knew you wouldn't say it back, because I don't expect you do. You have a full life, I know that, I'm just grateful that I haven't been shut out completely.

I don't appreciate you calling me weird today. I'm glad I told you it upset me and thats why I was worried about going back to work. If my own therapist thinks I'm weird how are my coworkers going to respond to me?

Well that went very badly. Even with the heads up. I guess I really just need to keep this to myself now. I knew you'd judge me for it and say it was weird.

I just wanted to say, that if I call someone weird, its a huge compliment. Different than normal or unique is a positive, and thats what weird is

I just wanted to say thanks for everything, you really helped with my self esteem. Its amazing the difference. Unfortunately Im still anxious and I suppose I have to learn to live with that.

This situation was just diffrent. She was not giving me a compliment.

"I just want you to do what I tell you".

Whilst unjustifiable poor practice, this is one of the most honest things you have said to me.

Dear T,

I'm ''avoiding'' other therapists because you were so.... mean You did not help me, one bit, with my anxiety, self esteem or anything else. Except I learnt more about Narcissists from how you treated me. I wish I had called you on your appallingly arrogant and repeatedly callous behaviour. But then who knows what lies you would have written about me.