Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I hope you weren’t offended by me saying I felt like we were like the three witches from Macbeth when we signed off from the Teams meeting yesterday - “when shall we three meet again?” You and D both laughed, I’m kind of assuming that means you found it funny.

Not a very good session and I'm having doubts (again) about continuing with you. There's nothing like being reminded that therapy is in essence, a business transaction! Of course we all know that therapists are running a business and deserve to charge a fair price for their services like anyone else... but having it emphasised right at the start really puts a dampner on the rest of the session.

We went through the email I'd sent. You said all the right things.... I know you understand how it is from a Carer's point of view - but something is still missing, that feeling like you really care on an emotional level, as opposed to 'caring but only within the confines of one hour a week'.

I think I was spoilt with ex-T, it was obvious she genuinely cared and wasn't in it for the money.

Dear Julieanne, thank you for my session last night. It helped outlining what I could do next week to help myself with this depression and anxiety. Hopefully I can have a "reset" and not be too busy and not be under-busy but a nice selection of both. Depression sucks. Bone crushing depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. SH urges suck. I'm glad you could relate to some of it. I know you can't relate to the SH part but I'm glad you could understand what I was talking about based on your history with other clients. I'm glad you don't mind me texting you. I certainly don't want to abuse the privilege. I'm glad we could talk through options yesterday. Thanks, Kit

I was reacting to you the way the kid in The Sixth Sense was reacting to Bruce Willis. My face looked like this the entire last half hour of our session. I kinda expected you to email me this afternoon to see if I was ok. But they pay you too.

Thank you for the phone call. And thank you for the first apology. It was a start. You really hurt me, L. I know sometimes (rarely) you get stuck in your own mental track, but when you do, you always go too far. I do understand why that happens and I accept it. But damn, please try to be a little more gentle. You know me and my deep underground wells of pain. Yes, you hit the deepest one yesterday. And I'm still willing to go forward. That's our commitment and agreement with each other.

Oh, and thank you for scheduling a two hour session for me on Friday. H is going to be pissed if he finds out how much that will cost. But we both feel I need it.

Im sorry I hope you feel better today

I'm trying to figure out the diffrence between giving you more chances and giving you too much credit and too many excuses. The first time when you said I'm "pretty" passable that got me upset but I moved past it. Although you did make some other comments after that one that were bordering on passing comments. Which I don't like. And I still glance at my eyes every once in awhile to see if I am seeing what you are talking about. Then yesterday I've been trying to let go and I I know you don't mean to hurt me, but sometimes I wonder if things are helping at all. I do know I am speaking my mind more then I normally would in therapy.

I'm sorry. That sucks, I think you have a very valid point here. I think emphasising that right at the start of a session would be unhelpful to many people (just my humble opinion)

You and your NP in crime are useless ****s!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok so I knew you wouldn't run away but I thought maybe you would pull away from me a bit. Also shame and the embarrassment does really odd things to me which I have trouble with in session.

Dear T,
Pretty sure tomorrow's session will mostly be about D as well. Today's teacher conference was rather stressful, especially in light of what happened at school yesterday afternoon. And now they want her IEP meeting to be longer. I feel bad for being like NOOOO for meeting them in person (even though H might go), but I really just can't handle that right now. I could barely handle IEP meetings in person pre-Covid, and in fact, the one year I had to step out because I started crying and having a panic attack. At least if I'm at home, I can just turn my camera off briefly and step away for a few without being too obvious. Or even stay on screen.

I'm thankful that this is one of the topics in which you excel. Because I really need your support on this right now. And you've been giving it in spades.

Love,
LT

Thank you Julieanne for checking on me today.

L,
I know you're trying and I believe you're being honest and sincere. However, I am still deeply hurt. You went too fast and you shouldn't have said that. I'm not ready to deal with it, but now I feel like I'm forced to. I wonder how soon it will happen if you're already mentioning it. I know it needs to happen sooner than later, but can you please waiy awhile. You're going so fast, and I really would appreciate it if you slowed down a little bit. I know I have no right to ask that of you, and still I need it if at all possible.

Am I looking for a distraction from the almighty grief work that I still have to do around Steve's death? Even if that is the case, is that so terrible?

I really wish you hadn't put me in this position. I can't just disregard that you fundamentally misunderstand MDD. Honestly, I'm having a hard time understanding how you can be so ignorant given you've been a therapist for 35 years. There's no way I'm the first person you've harmed with your ignorance.

I also feel really maddened at the justifications you used for your beliefs. They don't hold up under scrutiny. Also you didn't even ask what I have accomplished in the last week. You just assumed I've done nothing. Then you took the examples of small things I'd done in the past and extrapolated it as if all my symptoms are because I choose not to take responsibility.

That's the expression that's really got me ****ed up. Take responsibility. You have no idea what I'm going through. You can't. I can no more "take responsibility" in the sense you suggest than I can stop my body from attacking itself due to an autoimmune disorder.

Context ****ing matters. You should know that. I'm doing my best to keep up with my responsibilities and it's exhausting. That's why it feels impossible to do more. Why don't you comprehend that??

I feel like maybe you're not just ignorant but stupid.

And idgaf that you "care." Who the **** are you to say that to me? What effect were you expecting? Is that supposed to make it better? Or do you think I will come to the conclusion that you must be in the right because you care?

I don't think you understand quite how much you've ****ed up.

The flat you pointed out to me was a dud, sadly. A guy who looked like Jesus answered the door; luckily I didn’t take that as a ‘sign’ because it was pretty grim inside. It just made me pissed off that I pulled out of buying the other flat. But, I’m still looking and finding potentials. See you on Monday. I might try and find a Valentine’s treat for your dog, she’s such a sweetheart.

Hey E: That was kind of you to apologize, but I don't think it is your fault.

I’m p*ssed off at you. For your first assumption to be ‘I’m guessing you have started your period in between the last session and now’ because I was so upset just made me feel crap. It basically seemed like you were saying ‘oh here she is, overreacting over something so pathetic, must be hormones.’ I felt stupid and completely invalidated and it felt like such a stereotypical male response. I know we have recently touched on the massive effect that time of the month has on me, but this is one of the reasons why I was reluctant to tell you, because you would automatically assume I’m just hormonal whenever I’m upset over something. You seemed so surprised when I said no that this wasn’t the case. It felt like what I was upset about didn’t seem important to you.
I hate the fact that you don’t offer any attempt to comfort or soothe me when I’m upset. You literally just sit there and let me get on with it and I feel so incredibly alone.
I can’t tell you anymore about how bad I am feeling and the suicidal ideation because of the rupture we had over it last time. It feels like a completely unacceptable topic and I just don’t trust you wouldn’t break my confidentiality again. It makes me angry at you that I can’t do this. You messed up and that now means I feel I have to hide my feelings from you in case you break my trust again. And if I can’t tell you the real truth about how I am feeling, then can this actually work?

I have so much I need to talk about, but I’ve only met you a few times and I don’t trust you. I feel very stuck. My husband has taken to hitting the wall/floor/furniture occasionally when he gets upset. Or, he threatens to end his life. Like recently when I told him I was gonna hangout with my friend who happens to be male. He was fine up til then, and then he starts talking about hurting himself, because he knows I’ll stay home then. Yesterday it was because I told him I want to get a marriage counselor. He yelled at me for bringing it up at the “worst possible time.” It’s always a bad time.

A few months ago when I brought it up, there were multiple times I had to pull a chord from around his neck. And he threatened to do it in front of me if I called 911. Told me it would be my fault and that I killed him. He drove us around in circles for hours saying “if you say this I’ll do it,” or when I tried to say the opposite, that he would do it then. I stepped out of the car to run across the parking lot to a cop car, but he said if I closed the door he’d do it right then. So I got back in the car. Afterwards it’s like he snapped out of something and had almost no memory of what had occurred, so idk what to make of that. Dissociation?

I don’t see a way forward if we can’t get counseling and I can’t even bring up my opinions on important matters without fearing for the worst. If I stay and we don’t get help, I might actually be miserable forever. If I try to leave he’d surely hurt himself. I tell him he can’t threaten me with suicide, but I feel like a hypocrite because I’m suicidal all the time. The difference is I never threaten it or use it in an argument.

He says it’s my issue to work on alone because he’s already worked on his anger, which to be fair, has gotten a lot better. He tells me “put more pressure yourself” to be better, but idk wtf that even means and neither does he. He doesn’t want anyone to know we fight, not even you (I haven’t told you anyway), but I texted 2 friends and had to delete all the evidence because he goes through my phone.

If I told you all this I’m afraid it would make him sound bad, but the reality is he’s actually a good person and just struggling. Most of the time it’s not like this and the arguments are just over stupid things. Sometimes I want to go back to my old t just so I can talk openly about everything—this, trauma, all of it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

@KLL85 - I don’t normally respond to others’ posts in this thread, but wanted to say, to me at least it does sound like your T was being inappropriate, by blaming your mood on your hormones, as if women can’t ever get angry for other legitimate reasons. How dismissive of him! I’m sorry he said that to you, and hope you can find another good T if you do decide to terminate him.

@SummerTime12
I hope it's ok to respond to your post here, I'm never sure what the correct etiquette is.

Your husband is being abusive, using coercive control, emotionally blackmailing and gaslighting you. If he were to carry out his suicide threat, it would not be your fault. He is responsible for his actions no one else, but is using the threat of harming himself to control you.

Here in the UK we have an organisation called Women's Aid, do you have anything like that in the USA, that you could speak to for support?

I really hope you can get some help in coping with this. I do know how it feels to be at the receiving end of emotional manipulation, and it's a hard thing to deal with.

I hate you for texting me today. I hate you because I texted you back. And I hate you because you didn't respond.

Dear T and E: I am beyond devastated. If he doesmy come back, my world will fall apart.

Please help me.

he still is missing. i can’t handle this.

I can't believe you've chosen to ignore me now of all times.