Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

L,
I don't want a bigger support network. The one I've got is just fine. Don't push me off like ex-T kept trying to do. I don't care if you see it as an "addition" not a "substitution". Just no! Not happening. I have proven over and over again that I survive whatever I'm going through. And I know when I need a higher level of care. This is one area where I really want you to treat me as a competent adult.

Were you my door dash driver last night? No joke, the name was strange. It was your middle name. And whoever it was just dropped my order off and booked it and didn't even ring the bell. And they missed out on an extra cash tip from me. I plan on casually bringing it up in our next session by saying "hey so I ordered some girl scout cookies from door dash and the driver just left them and I had an extra tip for her because of the weather I wonder what happened. It was weird. I've never ordered from door dash before" And see what you say.

Its just my therapist has a very unique middle name thats why I think it may be her. And maybe she does door dash on the weekend or some other nights for extra income. Its possible.

I plan on sending you a card this week. Just so you know. I won't message you to tell you that I miss you so damn much, because I'm not sure 'we' are ready for that yet, but I want you to have this because I made it for you. I will always love you.

Best case scenario, you are illiterate. Worst case scenario, you think communicating with me in partial sentences and incomplete words is acceptable. A woman of your advanced years should know better. And don't send me a gif again, it is embarrassing for both of us.

Seriously, you have infuriated me. Show me more respect. You are a cretin.

I think I need a lie down.

Don't really know what to say. Feeling bad. What's new. I think the reason I keep wanting to text you about how bad I feel is just to have it acknowledged. Or maybe I'm unintentionally trying to make you feel as helpless as I do. Projective identification or whatever.

Whatever the reason, it all feels so pointless.

Dr. S, are you aware of how withdrawal from Adderall can affect mood? Because I'm feeling like absolute ****. The Wellbutrin is in no way making up for reducing the Adderall. And I'm not hopeful that the withdrawal symptoms will improve anytime soon. I've been on Adderall half my life, including a chunk of time when my brain was still developing. My body is going to be very sluggish in adjusting if it adjusts at all.

And I don't know how much more of this I can tolerate. I can take the physical symptoms but the emotional ones are taking such a big toll, especially since I was already depressed. I don't think I should accept having thoughts about hurting myself as a result of treatment. Even though I don't feel like I'm actually in danger, these thoughts and desires are very upsetting to me and compound my anxiety.

I think you're being intentionally obtuse about what I said. How am I supposed to interpret such disinterest other than to assume you don't place any value on the things at stake, even professionally? You wouldn't have responded that way if it made a difference to you either way.

I'm not asking for any extraordinary show of caring and concern. You should give a **** as the therapist I hired but for some reason, you were unable or unwilling to do so.

I wish I could say I didn't expect better from you, but that would be a lie. I'm angry with you for disappointing me but I'm even angrier at myself for having expectations that could be disappointed.

I could probably email Dr. S and she would respond to me about my concerns. Only I feel like psychiatrists are sometimes over-dramatic in their responses and a hospital stay would not actually help me. Medication isn't helping me either, so it's not like putting me in a holding pen would work until treatment has time to be effective.

Don't really know where this leaves me in relation to therapy. That's why I sent the response that I did. It's not like I can just save what is happening to deal with on Thursday. You can, of course, because it's not happening to you. But I'm not going to collude with you in acting like wanting to die is an acceptable way for me to plan to spend the next 5 days until you have time for it. I mean, really, wtf. Saying that I didn't know how to respond was the best I could do. Tbh I didn't want to respond at all but that felt passive aggressive.

Transference T crossed my mind more then ususual today. But I can't excatly figure out what I miss in her that I am not currently getting in therapy with my current therapist. If anything I'm getting more out of therapy with my current therapist then I was with my transference therapist. Its still all just really confusing to me why I can't seem to let this go.

Dear T,
Had a generally good talk with H tonight. Though it ended up a bit more morbid than I'd anticipated. There's still this little part of me that wants to reach out to you, but I think that part can wait until we meet Monday.

Love,
LT

I want to cancel again. What's wrong with me? I am boring myself with this nonsense.

I had a really intense dream about my transference T. Where we accidently saw each other at some resturant. And I was trying to be casual about it. Then immediaty after that dream I had another one about her. I don't remember if I was asking to see her again or just saying how long it took to deal with the emotions I had about ending things with her. I woke up forgetting what was going on in my real life and I was just focused on her for a bit.

Sigh. I’m looking forward to Tuesday yet also slightly dreading it. I’m gonna be a little sheepish telling you I pulled out of buying the flat, but as I said before, I’m not giving up. Hopefully D will have an email or more news for me, too. Either way, it will be good talking to her.

I've lost count of how many days it's been now, but sadness with how things ended with you always brings up feelings about X death.

Four more sleeps. I need more spaces to tell the truth.

T: Made it back safe and sound! Kind of amazed nothing else went wrong.

Dear T,
Well, B wrote a very long response back. So I guess my fears that she didn't really care about D or us now that she's not directly working with her were incorrect (aka abandonment feelings). There's a lot of information to process, so I imagine we'll be spending some/most of tomorrow talking about that. I guess we don't have to worry about asking for a one-on-one that they won't be able to give us...as they no longer exist in our county. Sigh...
Love,
LT

Current T I feel like since you don't threaten me with IP or with transferring me to another therapist when I discuss my weight loss plans I can actually be succesful with losing weight instead of holding back. And I feel safe talking to you about it. I like that you understand that a person can be at a smaller weight and size and still lose weight and be ok and healthy and it doesn't mean they have an ED. I have lost 9 pounds since we last met in person on january 29th but quite a bit of that was just fluids from the ER. Which I told you about on Wednesday. So don't be suprised.

I opened the book I am writing again today. I am starting to feel like maybe I am ready to continue with it. I wish it hadn't had to end. Our work. I wish you had been able to see it through....

E: Will I ever be able to accept your kindness? Why do you allow me to still reach out to you? I feel like such a burden and a nuisance.

I hate you.

It is much 'easier' to pretend that the anger I feel towards Steve does not exist, but I need to recognise it and acknowledge it. I really appreciate your support in helping me do that.

Dear T,
Sorry I'm so needy...I mean, I guess being sad you'll be away on a day I expected to see you and wanting the usual number of sessions a week in what looks to be a particularly stressful week isn't needy... I just worry I'm being unfair in asking for them. I just have no idea how that meeting will go. If this was 2 years ago, it would have been different (well, I still would have been stressed, but not like this).


I'm also worried you're going out of town and, if so, for your safety. Like the usual out-of-town fears, plus bonus of Covid. But it was the end of session, so I couldn't articulate those. And I know you don't like my asking about your plans anyway.

I hope you'll reply to my email before tomorrow morning, as it's essentially a scheduling one. Even if you just say, "Sure, think about which timing would make the most sense to you and we can figure it out" or something like that. Or, "I could offer you x, y, and z--would that work?" Or "Let's discuss it next session--it's a couple weeks away, so I'll have enough openings that we can discuss then."
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Your response made me cry. In a good way. It may have only been one sentence, but it implies that I'm a priority to you. And that you want to try your best to meet my needs. Which means a lot.
Love,
LT

Oh T....I feel so low. Wave your magic wand and make me all better please. Thank you. Kit