Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I really need you to come back right now. I can't wait until Tuesday to text you and Wednesday for my session. Also I need a session every day this coming week, ok?

I hate when you call me Sir because it usuaully means you are annoyed at me. I've actually come to dislike the word in general because it reminds me of you.

There's no point in me logging on tomorrow so I'm not going to. Have a nice life.

Hope you are having a nice holiday. Just thought you should know there is something I don't want to talk about, but that's ok, we have time and it doesn't have a negative implication for my actions, I think. More of where this is all coming from.

And thank you, btw, for commiting to be my T in the long term, that meant a lot, though it is notably still a very weird type of relationship for me, between a T and his patient. Not uncomfortable though. And yes, I do like coming to your office. And yes, once a week is okay, I think.

I hope you're somewhere nice now. Warm, if you like warm, cold if you prefer that.

Nearly a week now and K has remained less on my mind. It feels much better this way. I still love her dearly but yeah, something has changed. I've been much much busier this week too, so wonder if that is playing into it.

As for you, I am kind of looking forward to coming, first time for a long time. No idea how it is going to go, but I'm thinking maybe, somehow, we can do this.

I really want message you to ask how you're doing, but I know I could be letting loose a whole raft of issues if I do that. On the other hand, I don't seem to be able to forget you and the impact you had on my life. Some days I feel so glad to have known you and to have had you in my life if only for a short time. Other days I (kind of) wish I'd never met you because all I'm left with is a pain which doesn't seem to be healing. I don't know what to do with these feelings, I don't know anyone who knows you, so I can't find out how you're doing.

Sensible me says stay away, emotionally attached me is telling me to pluck up the courage to message you or even ring you to find out how you are, and what's going on in your life.

I have been trying to process losing you with new-T but it's not helping. I just want the pain to stop.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Of course I am an alien. I don't hear from my family unless someone has died or they need me for something.

My partner gets weekly calls from all his family, they have WhatsApp groups, send each other real mail, actually comment on photos of our baby. They video call all the time. Not to see me of course. I don't exist to my family either, the last time I saw or heard from them was at a funeral 3 years ago. It's hard not to be mean and bitter when no one cares.

I think you’ll be proud of how I handled my anxiety yesterday when I show you my notes. I was surprised writing my feelings down had such a calming effect!

I'm going to tell you the truth. I needed you Thursday night. I truly did. I was scared. And if you tell me that I got through it without you I'm going to tell you that doesn't matter so please don't dismiss my feelings. I needed an email from you that night telling me things were going to be ok. I only became ok once I took a valium and realized I'd gone without one for 8 hours.

My head is killing me.

I'm really jealous of my coworker and I don't know what to do about it.

I had a nice dream!! For the first time in years this wasn't about being chased, hurt, and attacked. It wasn't so messed up I start to doubt my own sanity. It was just a nice dream. I was making chocolate cake. Oh my goodness if this is a sign of things to come (which as you may be able to tell from this I really hope it is) then I am all for digging in and getting this done. Please. Please. Please. I want more nice dreams. I want more happiness and peace.

I’m still nervous, and sometimes downright scared, if I can be honest. I’m a needy child who, it seems, can’t have what their heart wants. I’m not so sure there isn’t a way to get it, but the thought of trying terrifies me.

Don't call for a wellness check because I didn't log on today and didn't answer the phone when you probably called (my phone is on the fritz).

Dear T,
OK, it does kind of bother me that you'll apparently go out of town and think that's safe, but aren't willing to meet in person yet. I mean, I could just tell myself that you're going camping in the woods, but, well...this is the problem with googling (and it's a public registration). But I feel like I can't bring that up because then you'll get bothered that I looked it up, so... I will be simmering in silence, I suppose.

When really, it would be so much better for me if you'd just own it. Like, "Here's what I'm doing--I know you might be bothered by it and find it hypocritical, and I completely understand if you feel that way. I likely would in your place. So please talk to me about it and let's work through this." Note: The LT of, say, 2 years ago might not have wanted that, but this one does. Like I'd rather talk it through, even if it might be a little ugly. Instead of having it hanging over our heads.

And OK, it does bother me that the main reason you said you're pushing it back is because your other careful client got Covid. Because, well, then it's bringing this other client into things. And from what you implied, that client wouldn't have been one who would have come into the office anyway. I'm just worried, like I said, that you'll just keep kicking the can down the road until the next variant comes out. Or, "Well, now we're moving into cold weather season, when a variant is more likely to come out, so let's wait until spring."

I suppose this was partly my fault for starting to get up hope, but you were also the one helping to propagate that hope. And I know this might just be pushed back by a couple more weeks, but that's how it tends to happen, it's seemed.

Hm, OK, it seems like I clearly need to talk to about this with you more...

Love,
LT

I wish you would help me out tonight. I don't feel like I'm getting enough support outside of sessions. You told me to use my support system but I have my mom and thats pretty much it. I keep asking her the same questions for reassurance and I think I'm wearing her down. I wish we could do like one session and one email a week. I'd even be willing to pay for it. I seriously could use your support more then just once a week. Seriously.

Dear T,

I hope you're understanding and not, say, annoyed about the email. Or at least that your understanding is stronger than your annoyance. I feel it's easy for you to just see it from your perspective of simply being safe and perhaps thinking you're still providing therapy, so what's the difference? When there is a difference, for me at least. I think I just need some reassurance that it won't keep going on this way forever. And for you to understand what I'm feeling. I was going to include that whole part on lacking control, but thought better of it. But that's really what much of it is about.

Why do I keep glancing at my email, even though I'm quite certain you won't reply until tomorrow? Plus, I mean, I just sent it like a half-hour ago. I wouldn't be surprised if you read it tonight, just to make sure it's not urgent, but then wait to reply till tomorrow (that's the sense I got from how you describe checking emails, anyway). And you may well just say "Let's discuss next session" anyway. Which is fine. Though something about understanding how it's difficult would help, too.

Love,
LT

I wonder if you guys talked today. I admit I am a little worried.

E: Sorry for the email so soon after the first one. I am just having such a hard time.

And normality resumes with the 'weird as f***' dreams. Me and (I think) my ex husband were out with K and her daughter. For the first time I think. Getting to know them. Dealing with some 'stuff'. It was going ok I think. We had my rabbit with us though, and at the end he started convulsing and acting really ill, at which point I realised we hadn't fed or watered him all day and we had to rush home and try and get him to see the vet. I was semi-lucid at this point and was able to wake myself up luckily as I was getting very upset and panicky even in my sleep.

Yeah, you see, these are the times I doubt my own sanity!

Dear K,

I have so much to say to you, but I do wonder whether I should bother. This feels exactly the same as it was with my Mum and I'm not sure I can handle it. I'm really not sure. To express your love for someone, to open your heart to someone, only to have it met with silence and a door that just won't quite open is heartbreaking, and I'm really not sure that I need to be doing it myself again.

I just don't understand. You have said the words "I love you". You showed me the picture in the book saying "to love... And to be loved". I do sense that you care deeply for me, and yet still there is this barrier that I cannot cross, just like with my Mum. I don't understand. Why can't you just say how you feel. Act how you feel. Why?

The only answer I can come up with us that you don't feel it, but that is at odds to what I believe, so leaves me in a bit of a quandary.

I do love you. I am so grateful for everything that you were to me, and I do dearly wish we could find a way here, but maybe it's just best to call it quits.

Dear T,

On one hand I want to scream at you and say "NO!!!! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY WORDS LIKE THAT. HOW DARE YOU. HOW DARE YOU TRY TO GET NEAR ME LIKE THAT. F***OFF. JUST SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP AND STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME."

But then I think, maybe you are going to have to push me off the cliff every now and again, because I sure as hell am not going to jump.

Thanks for the email, E. I know I should at least try and make some art, but it feels like I am being a traitor to Jack. How dare I do something for myself when he is lost and alone?

I wish you would learn to trust me and know I'm not some weird or creepy person. The exact words you have used before to describe me. I'm just a regular guy who has ASD and a lot of anxiety but who means nothing bad or has any ulterior motives I am not even really sure what I have done to you to make you so freaked out by me. I feel like you are kinda being paranoid.

I'm honestly considering moving back to my old state by myself for the mental health help because I'm not getting it here. Yeah the medical stuff is great but the mental health part is so limited and its tough making progress with a therapist who is basically scared of me for reasons I don't even fully understand.

Any therapist who is still doing virtual at this point in the pandemic is being unfair to the client and honestly is being a bit lazy in my opinion.

I suppose I'd be classified as high or at least moderate risk now but I'm not letting that stop me from doing stuff.

If you have kids under age 5 I still don't really see an issue with these numbers we are seeing. My cousin who has a ton of anxiety has an 8 month old (first born) and still goes into work.

L,
I love you! I'm feeling really secure with us right now. And I think we're on the right path. Go us!

Dear K,

I miss you so much. I love you.

Me