Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I emailed a new T on friday to arrange a session.

It's already been 5 months since my last session with you, but I'm too afraid to trust anyone else now.

Goodbye.

I can't do it. I can't deal with him being gone. I need my baby back. I appreciate you talking to me yesterday and today, even if it didn't help much.

Are you for real?? I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt since I think you're probably watching the Super Bowl. But I sent my text before that started and now it's over and you still haven't responded.

Usually this wouldn't bother me but we are in the midst of a rupture ffs. I don't want to think you're acting out at me but it's hard to believe you haven't looked at your phone in the past 5.5 hours.

And YOU reached out to ME yesterday, so excuse me if I expected you to reply when I did you that courtesy yesterday.

I LOVE that we got to say goodnight to each other tonight at the same time. I feel so loved! And I love you so much! Friday's session was so so special and magical and beautiful. Sharing realizations, emotions, tears even! We did something so so good. I feel so much relief. That was really hard and so rewarding. Thank you for being there and guiding me, and thank you for being so transparent about your plans. My only problem: how do I hold onto these feelings? The intensity? I like those feelings.

I miss you. I want to message to say happy Monday. To share this bright blue sky with you. But I feel it's too much. Sharing it with the piece of you that I have in my heart just isn't the same. But I will, and I will try to make the most of enjoying it. I love you.

Got back to M despite being scared. Asked what times he had free today or if he doesn't see it in time we might just got for 1.30pm tomorrow.

He's a Jungian analyst, into yoga and crystals.

My email storage reached capacity so I had to start deleting - I got all of your emails (9 years worth) and put them on a word doc awhile back, but I still hadn't deleted the actual emails - so I printed the word doc and I've been going through them one at a time making sure I have the ones I want to save - and deleting them. Yikes, reading through all those emails made me miss the 'us' we used to be. I really, really wish we hadn't lost that. But, it seems that we lost it longer ago than I had thought, when I stopped emailing you so often. So this is interesting to think about.

I'm most likely going to call you on Friday to check in. I hope that's okay.

Why is it so hard to cry in front of others? Not the first time I welled up in a session, but the first time you noticed. I try really hard to hide it, anyway, but I liked how you handled it. D has seen/heard me get tearful for different reasons, guess I just couldn’t hold it in then. Anyway, not a bad session overall, hopefully you won’t think the results of my “homework” are too awful next week, I know if you make a judgment it will be fair, though.

I kinda want to tell you about that dream I had awhile back where you told me something like "See, you are terrified of intimacy." Well who can blame me, you pretty much became a stranger again after I pulled back my million and a half projections, a stranger yet you still know way too much about me. And that was uncomfortable. Was it a mistake to end? Maybe. But it was just too hard to stay, knowing what I realized back in early December, the recognition of what I'd been doing with the whole scheduling monthly thing. Life is complicated enough, thank you.

I appreciate and respect you times a thousand though.

You're The Worst and I hate you.

This afternoon I am feeling like the universe is starting to pile things on me to make me doubt my decision to end our work together. Between h's heart thing, my cat being sick, the extended overtime at work, and now the stupid concurrent chat thing at work, oh and besides that I'm not sleeping very well, I just want to drive up to your house, barge into your office and just collapse on the couch. You don't even have to be there. I just want to curl up and fall asleep on your couch for about 12 hours. Yes I'm being dramatic and no I don't care.

L,
I'm scared to see your new office. I'm scared of the drive too!

I'm also sad that next week is telehealth. I don't like your H very much. Why did you choose someone who is long distance currently and who could move around a lot. Most therapist stay in one place (at least they should to maintain clients). What were you thinking!

I bought us a stone to welcome the new space. I'll give it to you on Thursday!

I miss him so much. How will I get through this?

What was I thinking? Not much really, but WAY too much to even begin to know how to share that with you. I think I was feeling, more than thinking. Feeling sad. I don't know how to feel anything other than sadness it seems, even when other feelings might be warranted. Or can tears be linked to other feelings? I don't know. I don't know what we are doing. I don't know how I can communicate with you what needs communicating. You talked about forcing myself to tell you. Is that right though? Is that the way this is supposed to go? It doesn't sound like a good word to me. Especially given the nature of what needs telling. I don't feel like I should be forcing myself to do anything. Encouraging myself, yes. Prodding myself, yes. A gentle push every now and again, yes. But forcing? I'm not so sure. If it won't come, there's a reason for that, and it's your job to help me find a way. Can you do that? Can you reach into that abyss and help me find a way?

L,
Thank you so much for saying that you hate this too. That means a lot to me. That was our home full of love and history. I am not mad at you. I understand. But I am angry at the situation. It sucks.

Why do you always say the wrong date every year when we mention my birthday? It's ok, I get I'm not a person whose birthday is important to you. Sometimes it feels like you make a point of telling me you don't remember when it is.

Way to ignore me you monster!

Dear T I wish it was easy for me to text you and I know I can text you anytime. I am worried I am too much of a burden for you right now. I am trying to find the right words to text you. Love, Cheryl27

I need to tell the truth, and at the same time I need a break from the level of angst I'm feeling. I really don't know what to do.

I'm less stressed today, I don't feel the desire to sleep on your couch anymore. This incense that came in my subscription box yesterday was just the ticket. I haven't even needed to burn it - just sitting there on my shelf it's enough. It's SO relaxing.

I'm not in a great place after today's session. I feel like I'm just about holding it together, just about able to put one foot in front of the other. This 'stuff' being stuff I can't talk about is insanely difficult, because I feel like I have two choices. One, shut everyone out and see no-one, or two, shut everyone out and carry on as normal. I am choosing option two, when all I want to do is option one. I want everyone to go away. I don't want to see anyone or speak to anyone, because the weight of holding it all together is too much. But if I did that, I'd have to in some way explain why I am cancelling plans, and that starts the big ball of wool unraveling, so I keep my commitments, despite the fact that it's probably quite blantantly obvious that I'm not in a good place. Hopefully people will just ignore it. History has taught me that if I show enough hostility they will, I guess because it makes them uncomfortable. Not a great way of living, but I don't know how else to handle this right now, sadly.

Dear T,
Maybe we need to talk about my OCD more. Because that combined with some other stuff led to me having kind of a meltdown tonight that partly involved me snapping at D. OK, I yelled at her. But she was laughing at me crying, and I couldn't really deal with that in the moment. I apologized to her. I just hate when my mental health stuff bleeds out and negatively affects other people.

And of course you had to push our appointment tomorrow back. I know it's only an hour, which is nothing really, but I just wish I were talking to you sooner...I would ask, but I'm sure you won't have anything, so it's pointless.

Love,
LT

ETA: Thanks for seeing if someone can switch so I can see you in the morning. I know you're probably assuming it's because of D having a half-day. I didn't want to give detail in a text, because it's something you're OK with sometimes but not others. So I'm fine with you assuming it's due to that and H's work, like his having to be on an important meeting or something.

I can't take a shower today because the kitty litter box needs to soak. And also because I don't want to. Although I might change my mind after I finish cleaning the litterbox.

I will go prep the floor in the living room to be mopped. Maybe I will even mop it tonight and do some work at my desk tomorrow. But if I do it's only because I feel alright in this moment not because of the bs you spouted at me last week.

Dear T,
I guess you didn't find anyone who could switch? That's OK. Messaging with one of my friends helped. Though I would still like to talk to you sooner than later. Maybe you're just waiting to hear back from someone? But I'll be OK.

Love,
LT