Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Nothing feels right - everything has stalled and I don’t know if or when anything will get going again. The thing you suggested isn’t really feasible, but thanks for bringing it up. Looking forward to Monday again.

yeah i'm 2nd guessing my desire to call you tomorrow to check in. i prolly shouldn't.

I can't stop ruminating. I wish I still had two sessions a week. I'm still not sure you grasp how bad things are right now. You seem to be assuming things which makes me feel deceitful.

Dear T,
I think I do need to talk to you more about the not being willing to share about vacations thing. I should have brought it up earlier in session, but D was more in the forefront of my mind, so that seemed most important. I guess I was hoping you'd give me something, even really minor, like "We're driving there" or "It's a family trip" or "Going skiing" or...something. I know it's generally been your policy, but you've relaxed so many other boundaries about disclosure that it feels jarring. Especially when you know it's something that makes me particularly anxious. Just throwing me some sort of bone would have helped like when you said--I think it was over Christmas?--that you were visiting people who were also fully vaccinated. Not saying where, or what sort of people (family vs. friends), etc.

I guess maybe it's more that we need a bigger discussion about your increased disclosures and how it feels like you're completely the one in control of them. Like if I asked you something, you might not be willing to answer, but then you'd share basically the same thing on your own. It's like a form of "Don't ask, don't tell," except it's "Don't ask, tell."

All that being said, thanks for all the support about D today and for saying that you understand it's a lot for me to deal with so it makes sense that I'm talking about it as much as I am. And for reminding me to try to avoid looking too far into the future, because I don't know what it will hold. While acknowledging that you know how difficult it is for me.

Love,
LT

Maybe this will be the last one of these. 9 weeks ago right now we were sitting together talking, and I was getting ready to say goodbye to you.


Things sure changed between us there at the end. I wish I understood what happened. Did you change? Did I? Or was it both of us?

I've finally worked out how to save my answers to the survey. I don't know whether I will actually end up submitting a response, but that's something. Having reached out to the organisers for tech support, I kind of feel obliged to submit a response on some level, but it's hard to know what to do.

Dear T- It’s the one week mark since he’s gone missing, and it is hitting me really hard.

E:
See you in 1/2 an hour, though i don’t know how it will help at all.

Dear T,
Why am I reacting so strongly to this right now? You're not going to be away that long at all. I keep crying. What is that about? I may end up emailing you, and I really hope you won't be angry if I do. I'm sure "angry" is too strong of a word. Perhaps "annoyed" or "frustrated." Which you'd be completely justified in feeling. Going to try hard to not email though, like maybe this will pass overnight.

I think it doesn't help that I have absolutely nothing to look forward to in the next couple days, as the weather is supposed to be bad. If it was last weekend, and I was going out with H, it would be easier. Or if I felt comfortable eating inside at this point (meant to talk to you about that today, too, but oh well). I suppose I could do one of the watercolor painting things--the kits are starting to pile up. Maybe I need to make myself a schedule or something. Clean up the living room, too. Maybe try the exercise bike, since H isn't using it due to his injury. Yoga? Anything other than sit here and feel sad....

Love,
LT

Well, that was quite a turnaround. What made you change? Was it what I wrote or that Dr. S said I'm doing worse than she's used to seeing me?

I'm really going to try to leave you alone all weekend. Well, maybe not Monday (I think you said you don't work on Mondays anymore?). I'm hoping to do some impressive work in my house this weekend and I don't know if I can wait to be congratulated until my session on Wednesday. I will take some pictures and email them to Dr. S, too. Or maybe I will save bothering her for the week when you're away.

I don't want you to go on vacation.
There's something in my eye. I'm not getting all weepy just because I'll be on my own.

I feel good about not calling you today. It kinda feels like I passed some kind of test or reached a marker or something.

I'm sorry I made the assumption that I often do... that other people are as routine based as I am. I can't promise to not make that mistake again because it is who I am... and people tend to forget that other people are not like them.

L,
Why do we keep having ruptures? Is this normal? Is it my fault? I don't think it is, but then again I'm the one with the diagnosis... It's hard for me to believe that I could be right and you could be wrong. It's frustrating for me because just last Friday we really bonded. Now it feels like we're miles apart...and we are literally.

Dear T,
Never thought I'd find getting an invoice to be comforting, but good to know you're still alive and presumably got to your destination safely. Assuming you were leaving yesterday, which you seemed to imply? I did have this brief twinge of "You'd probably be replying to my email right now," but I think it's for the best that I didn't send one. Because maybe I wouldn't have liked your response. Or what if you sent the invoices but then didn't respond for a long time? I'd be really anxious.

Also, don't think I'm going to tell you about that dream from last night. At least not the one part! I do wonder about the mask component though--does your helping me put on a mask signify something? Helping me face the world maybe? Protecting me? I'll have to ponder it a bit more. Maybe I will tell you about that part at some point.

Love,
LT

I keep thinking of the time you were trying to get me to calm down and you said "sir, sir, sir." While I was getting upset. A bit of a turn on now to be honest. You seem to be flipping my whole world and everything I've felt my entire life, upside down and I really don't understand it.

Oh no, what was I thinking?? I said I would go over to the family member's house. And then go to lunch with another family member tomorrow.

But I don't want to leave the house! I need to get out of this.

I can’t get out of bed to go look for him. The wind ripped down all my fliers, and it is still really windy today. I know you guys suggested putting them in people’s mailboxes, but i am too chickensh*t to do it.

I’ve lost hope of him coming back. My depression is gaining speed.

After that last post this morning I forgot about you and whatever it is I am feeling and I got involved in my weekend. It creeps cis women out when I like them. At least the ones I know. I don't know if they get confused or what because of the trans thing. But if I tell you I have a very minor crush on you I do not think it will go well. I told you one time I liked you as in a therapist and you wanted me to clairfy thats for sure what I meant.

I don't think I have any legit transference with you. I'm just attracted to the wackos for some reason.

Its just the way you look at me. Theres a song by Blink 182 and theres a part that goes "the look in your eyes makes me crazy." I am pretty sure it is only the way you look at me. My therapist I had before I moved would give me that look and it was an instant turn on.

I don't like attachment.

It’s only Saturday and I was half afraid I wouldn’t be making it on Monday, but I think mum started feeling a bit better today. I’ll see how she is in general tomorrow and give you a heads up if necessary.

I seem to have pulled myself together from what I was feeling about you yesterday. Not that the feelings arent totally gone but I am just preoccupied with other things today.

You told me to worry about things when they happen. I tell that to myself all the time. I say to myself "I'll cross that bridge when I get there." I learned it from Patrick from SpongeBob.

But I do not know how you will respond to me on Wednesday. Regarding that email I sent right after the session asking for an extra session to talk about the stuff I had sent a previous email about the night before our session saying I did not want to talk about and how I "backdoored" myself as they would say in Big Brother. I don't know if you'll be pissed or confused. But you know. I'll worry about that when it happens.

I almost don't want to see my pdoc in person. Basically I wanted to go to all the stores I frequented because of my transference T. But now I really don't have a desire to go to any of those places anymore. I kinda am hoping for bad weather so we have to cancel. But man do I not want to go through another painful expirence like that again. It took a ****ing year to make peace with things.

What if my current T knows its over because its now begun with her? Therapists play dumb very well but they know very well what is actually going on.

I keep 'searching' for you. When will this end? When will this desperate missing you end? Right now I'm not sure it will ever end. Thing is, I can't find you anywhere. I wish I still had a source of 'you'.

L,
Beautiful lyrics! Horrible song! You and I are not alike when it comes to art, music, movies, etc. Nothing at all!

Dear T and E:

You guys have been great, but nothing will help me right now.

Dear T, I miss u. I never miss anyone. I don't like it, but I know you've been waiting for this. I'll see you tomorrow. Maybe I'll even tell you. Take care of yourself. Begrudgingly, Kate.