Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T--Happy Birthday! xoxo Kit

Keeping up with the trajectory of my life must be a challenge. Thank you for your patience.

GoodBYE! I'm on to a new team.

Why did the vet’s office send me an email to wish him a happy birthday, when I don’t think they ever have. Why now, when my baby is gone?

I had forgotten about one of my distractions. Rummikub. When I find myself searching for you online (and failing, because you are soooo not online) I can turn to my Rummikub game and play on my phone that way. It's got to be better, surely!

Thursdays feel like a destination again. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Next week I think we need to talk about my letter to Steve again. Things have happened in the meantime that have moved the discussion far away from that.

I'm a bit anxious right now but I still don't feel the need to contact you. I'm ok on my own.

Thank you for texting me that picture last night. Although why did you say "hopefully I'll come back" ? I think you just meant you're really looking forward to your vacation and probably won't want to come back, not that it's actually a possibility.

Anyway, I do think you're in need of a break and I hope you have a good time. And don't fall overboard and drown.

Dr. S - I have discontinued the wellbutrin. The benefits were outweighed by the side effects and I'd rather take my full 40mg of Adderall.

I have also ordered some ketamine and some shrooms. While there is a ketamine clinic nearby, I haven't built up my savings so far that I'm willing to spend 3k there. Maybe I should have asked you if you'd be willing to prescribe spravato, but I think if you were you wouldn't feel like there's nothing else to try with meds. I've kept an eye out for clinical studies I could participate in for shrooms, but it seems they want you to be free of other psychotropics and I can't go through withdrawal right now.

Please understand that this isn't about getting high. I just really need to feel better and I don't think I can afford to wait for these treatments to be more accessible. I will be testing the ketamine to ensure it isn't cut with fentanyl or other drugs I don't intend to take.

I understand you think I've exhausted the ability for medication to help, but I disagree that this is due to the problem being purely psychological. Therapy cannot be effective when I feel like this.

E- God, I HATE covid. I REALLY needed to see you tonight. Well I guess I will via the computer, but I know it won’t be the same. I am not doing well.

last night I was thinking and praying about how trust is such a huge deal for me like one of those 'core issues' or whatever that for whatever reason therapy didn't "fix". well i mean yes i came to trust you probably more than anyone else - but, even so i still didn't trust you enough to stay in therapy with you and work through this whole pulling back all of my projections/transference stuff and the realizing that I don't really know you thing - I couldn't do it - I couldn't sit there anymore, with you-now-basically-a-stranger-who-knows-everything-about-me. I couldn't handle it, couldn't trust 'you' anymore. And now I've left myself in a position where I can't even explain all of this to you because as much as I keep thinking I want to call and check in with you - every time my Friday day off gets here, I realize I can't do it. I wonder what is the resolution to this? More time away from you, I guess. I don't know.

Dear T,
Funny, I'd intended to follow up on some of the stuff from Wednesday, but then once I was talking to you, I didn't really feel the need to do so. Maybe I will in a future session? The stuff with D is just much more pressing in my mind right now. Plus, I felt generally good about what we discussed Wednesday. I wonder if you were surprised that I didn't bring it up?

That thing you said regarding D, the not feeling like I'm getting the "parenting wins," that's really resonating. I mean, this is my only experience of parenting, so it's easy for me to feel like I'm a failure in some--well, many--ways. And it feels selfish to want some sort of...I don't know, rewards, or whatever term you used. But it's a really good point, that parents do tend to get that in some ways, whether outward affection and love from their child, seeing their successes (whether in school, sports, socially, etc.), their child wanting to spend time with them, things like that. And that it can feel like I'm pouring quite a bit in within getting much back. (Ugh, it still sounds so selfish to type that out....)

But it really helps that you seem to get it, that you empathize and are validating my feelings, including feelings that maybe I'm not fully aware of having (or feel ashamed to have).

Love,
LT

I can see therapists still offering telehealth as an option but I don't understand why they would still only be doing telehealth with the way things have progressed with covid. At this point it just seems unfair to the client. 2 of the therapists I was thinking of seeing since moving have only done telehealth. My current therapist plans on having her clients wear maks indefeinetly which I did grumble a bit about the other week, but she seems to be able to read facial expressions pretty well with masks. But at least she does in person sessions. But at this point in the game only offering telehealth still seems silly and unfair.

I'm going off my testosterone for 3 months. It will be interesting seeing how I feel about you. If I go back to my old assexual ways or what. I'm wondering how I'll feel in general.

Dear T, I just wanted to thank you so much for texting me this morning and listening to me. I have to say you have earned my full trust again. I can't believe how much better I feel again and i honesty am proud of myself for being so open today. Thank you i will keep intouch with you. Love Cheryl

It feels like the ground beneath me is missing... It feels like I have lost a piece of my soul.... It feels like you are in my head permanently.

What are you trying to tell me, I wonder? There has to be a reason behind this. There has to be a reason that I cannot get you out of my mind.

Are you there as a reminder to continue this work? Are you there to show me how much I have in my life now that never was before? Are you there to show me that you will always be with me?

Why are you there, ALL. THE. TIME. ???

Is this how other people feel when they lose someone they deeply loved?

You gave me life, and showed me how to love. And I will always be grateful for that.

E: while it was weird at first, virtual wasn’t too bad. Thanks for Sunday, even if i already regret saying yes.

T: You are so sweet to have sent me a card! And did all the fliers.

How am I supposed to take all this kindness in?

Have you left the country yet? I hope you post some pictures to your fb or insta, but idk if that will be possible from the boat.

I think I'll post a meme for every day here since I can't send them to you. Or I could, but I don't want to be a downer on your vacation and idk if you have a cell plan that would avoid mms from costing $$$.

Morning,

Thursday feels a long way away. Thank you for your kindness, which I am holding close.

I told my mom a bit about why I was giving her a ton of candy she thought I really liked. I didnt tell her it was because of my old therapist but I told her you and me had discussed that I was focusing too much on my old state and I was coping with my feelings through eating candy that reminded me of the place and we decided I needed to get rid of it. I told her giving up the candy helped a lot and thats why I didnt want to go to certain stores when I go to my homestate next week. My mom said it all made sense.

I hope you will be impressed with me when I tell you this.

Dear T,

So I didn't hit send.

Yeah.

The part of me that wants this kept hidden is obviously much stronger than the part of me that wants to let it out. Maybe we start there. Going through one of my old notebooks I found a double page spread. On one side, the word share. On one side, the word hide. Surrounding the words are the reasons for both. Suffice to say the word 'share' is only accompanied by three reasons. The word 'hide' on the other hand, well the page is full. Full of reasons. How does the share part of me win, when the defense is so strong?

And by the way, you are still a complete stranger to me. Actually, you are probably worse than a stranger. You are at that intermediate stage where there is no way on this earth I feel like I can trust you, or feel comfortable with you, yet you are close enough to do significant damage to me.

I'm not sure how to get over that threshold you spoke of. You mentioned me choosing to step over it. Is it as simple as that though??? Can I just choose to?

Never mind

Just remember that on Wednesday you will be seeing me on testosterone. And after that we'll see what changes happen in the next 3 months and work through them. But I hope you pay attention to the before and after to catch things that maybe I'm not seeing or realizing.

Feeling really bad and dreading work tomorrow. I don't feel up to it.

I haven't been outside in more than a week.

Dear T,
I feel like I was a bit of a coward today. Feel really guilty for canceling on my friends, but I knew I couldn't handle it. I mean, I barely handled outside with H. That, I had to push myself to do. I was very tempted to just cancel with him as well, to get carryout. But I didn't. And I stood inside the place maskless for maybe 5 minutes (probably more like 3 in reality) waiting for them to take my order. So...that's some sort of progress?

I mean, as I said to H tonight, I'm anxious about even potentially starting to meet you in your office next month (which starts in a couple days, of course). You haven't given a specific date. But if I'm anxious about meeting a single vaccinated and boosted person who is being careful about exposure alone in an office sitting 6 feet apart--of course I'm going to be anxious in a restaurant with like 20 people, no idea of their vaccination status (not that it probably matters much with Omicron), lifestyle, etc.

I think we need to come up with a plan for me to ease back into in-person society. I'm hoping you will actually start in-person again in a week or two, as that will help me work my way into indoor gatherings with more than one person. I feel like H, my family, and my friends will be a limit as to how understanding they'll be. Plus, I miss the real world. And want to be able to attend and enjoy the concerts in late April and May....

Love,
LT

E: Thanks for today. You did make it a bit easier to look for him. I know you want me to hold hope, but I really don’t know if I can.