Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Dear T,
I really appreciate your saying it was OK to think those things about having to step up during H's surgery.

Though in terms of how I was discussing housework, all I could think was how you probably wouldn't put up with that if you were married to me. I mean, obviously that would not ever be a concern. And you were clearly trying to be like, "As long as it works for a couple, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks" and focusing on the effort part. And I remember what you said ages ago (back when you rarely disclosed) about your wife having ADHD and your understanding that many tasks require much more effort from her than they do for you, and you consider the effort she put in, not the end result. So maybe I thought you'd mention that here?

But I also know it's not about what *you* think is OK, it's what H thinks. But of course I worry about what he thinks. And I'm judging myself. So maybe this part of me wanted you to say, "I'd be completely understanding if it was my wife in that circumstance." Or "If my wife had to have surgery, I'd be anxious about having to do everything, too." Though I sort of get the vibe that maybe you do most stuff anyway (including being the main breadwinner, though of course I have no idea what she does--except that she's not a therapist, because you said that once, in explanation of why you don't talk to her about your work--or what she earns, and I'd never ask). Though I suppose she's had to step up before when you've been injured or out of town.

I think maybe it just jumped out at me that you've disclosed more lately and also put yourself more into things lately (in the sense of your feelings), but today you didn't. Which is fine, but I think it's just jarring (that's probably not the right word) at times when you go from sharing your own stuff/feelings vs. "for some couples I've counseled...." But it also wouldn't have been helpful if you were like, "I would say to my wife, 'Just do the damn dishes!'"

Hm...or were you perhaps trying to be really careful in talking about taking care of a spouse/stepping up because of ex-MC's situation with his wife? OK, I just thought of that...and you referenced him recently in regard to why you didn't share certain things so maybe that's part of it....

It's not really that important, honestly--I'd much prefer the empathy and greater openness (including emotionally) regarding parenting than marriage.

Love,

LT

Your response was lame.

Pdoc I hope you just don't notice I'm doing the session in a hotel room. Because then I'd have to explain that I am in state and 15 minutes from the office and could have easily seen you in person but am choosing to avoid you. You don't seem like the type to take work things personally but if you ask I'll tell you the truth. It was not good for my mental health to do an in person session.

Dear E: I am 100% sure there is a completely valid reason why you haven't emailed me back. It just sucks because I am doing so poorly.

i should have gone to bed 45 minutes ago but i don't want to lay there staring at the ceiling again worrying about what I've been worrying about half the night. maybe i'll go get my pillow and a blanket and fall asleep on the couch while h watches basketball, which will bore me to sleep. ha. or i could give in and take some melatonin, i'm not using it every night anymore or anything so... i don't know. I love that without the melatonin, my dreams are back in full force. Except I feel like i'm not getting enough sleep cuz it takes me so long to get to sleep. I don't want to be yawning my head off in the zoom drum circle tomorrow evening. Should I call you to check in on Friday?! Or should I wait another week? I wish I had a crystal ball.

Dear T,
I think I handled things fairly well with D tonight. I actually got her to talk about some stuff, though of course I don't know if what she said is accurate about school and eating. But we'll see what her teacher and para say. I do wonder if the med could be contributing, but H doesn't seem to want to think that. But there are other options, if it turns out to partly be that.

It felt like she appreciated that I was trying to both comfort and listen to her. That I wasn't just yelling at her like H did. I know he's frustrated. But I could tell she was hurting, and I wanted to support her as best I could. I feel that the acting out is coming from someplace, that she's struggling. That she's not just acting out or getting upset for the sake of it. Or because she wants ice cream or whatever. I really think she wants to do better but is overwhelmed, with the schoolwork, with other stuff at school. I guess I'm trying to give her what I didn't get from my parents...

I wish I was talking to you tomorrow. Well, it's after midnight, so I guess it's technically Thursday right now, so I am. But you know what I mean. I do think you'd be proud of the way I handled it tonight. And I feel pretty good about it, too. For now, at least.

Love,
LT

E: I’m desperate. Please email me back today. Please.

Sometimes I have emotional distance, other times it's 'right there', as you say.
I think submitting a response to the survey was an indication of something, although I'm not sure what.


I was able to suppress the feelings long enough to talk about it, because it might be useful to someone at some point.

Sorry about this morning after talking to sis, realised it wasn’t “me”, so feel much calmer and will wait to see what happens. Just sad that I potentially have been robbed of the chance to have something I wanted.
Conversations at home still inane. Thinking outside the box also isn’t yielding a solution re. getting my own place, though really thought my colleague had hit on a good idea today.

My pdoc called my therapist a bigoted prick. Takes one to know one huh?

E: Now i’m worried something bad has happened to you, your family, or one of your clients. Now I fear we won’t have a session tomorrow, and I really need one. I hope everything is ok.

Whew, you are okay. I wish I could not check my email every 5 seconds after I send you one. Also, since you didn’t say otherwise, I guess our session is still on for tomorrow.

Dear T,
Getting kind of triggered by H snapping at D for what to me seem like anxious thoughts. Yes, she has no reason to think she'll have a substitute teacher tomorrow, but it's happened fairly often this school year, so I can understand why she'd be worried about it. I don't think H understands that. But it makes me think of my parents when I was a kid. I'm sure I'm not making it any better by kind of snapping at him, but my instinct is to protect her (and my younger self).
Love,
LT

gosh are you always going to be this much on my mind on Fridays? we're coming up on 3 months since we last met. you flit in and out of my thoughts the rest of the week still too, but on Fridays is when I think about/still kinda miss "our" time/space and i want to call you just to check in. i shouldn't, should i. sigh.

Looks like it might be in April. Nervous, not thinking straight and this is only the planning stage, it’s still a whole month away! Hoping brother will come (please!).

Thank you for taking my call today, it was really nice to chat with you a little bit as a brief check in. When you asked if there was anything else, I said nope... even though there originally had been when I dialed your number. After a few minutes of talking back and forth, though, I realized I probably didn't need to say it again so I just let it go. How about that. You were, are, and always will be awesome, despite some of the rather unkind things I had thought about you back in December and early January. It's been a bit of an adjustment not having sessions anymore, that's all.

Thank you again. For everything. I'm glad you were my t.

Well, there you go, still knowing me so very well out of a clear blue sky even though we hadn't talked since 12/17. Thanks for calling me back to check on that, and for asking what it was when I said yes. That meant a lot. I'm so glad my phone actually rang - I miss almost every call when I'm at home, cuz almost every time anyone calls my cell phone when I'm inside this house, it doesn't ring and the call goes to voicemail. Which then, can sometimes take days to even show up on my phone that it's there.

I know it's only been three days, but things seem to have shifted quite significantly, which can only be a good thing, surely. K is less on my mind and I am finding some peace and space inside. I'm not holding out a huge amount of hope about the peace and space lasting, especially if we start to dig deeper, but then what do I know, this is entirely new territory for me. But I am glad that I am no longer feeling that manic searching for something like I was before. It's almost like her being in my head and my heart all the time was telling me to find a way to do this work, and now that I have made a start on that with you, it has led to finding a bit of freedom from her.

To the extent that I am considering the possibility of not reaching out again. Of finding a way to walk away. The only problem with that is that it's Mother's Day here in the UK, and I know I will want to make contact in some way over that time. But maybe that will be a little bit of closure. Who know. I wonder if she would reach out if I didn't?

I guess only time will tell, but this is all feeling a lot more balanced. A lot more rational. A lot less frantic and crazy.

It is so hard to grieve and be okay with these huge feelings. I want it to go away, but also don't feel like I deserve to feel anything but how I am feeling. I miss him. I miss him. I need him back.

I was hiding in the hotel bathroom last night and sitting on the floor for half an hour and I was very scared and I was wanting to email you and ask you for a second session. But I know you would not be happy with both the email or the asking for a second session. So I distracted myself today and I used my support sysytem tonight. I hope you are impressed at all that but I dont think the extra session would have hurt either.

But I'm really scared.

I had a phone conversation with a family friend today. I always knew he was fairly blunt...but 'I know you've had mental health issues' is extremely close to the bone.
P's minimising made me reluctant to characterise my experience as 'depression'.
I'm so grateful that we don't use labels.

Thankfully, M was extremely helpful in other ways.

I'm not sure if I want to show up to our (with old T) session this week. I know you can't hold it against me anymore since I'm registered at a different CHMC now and it's not like you can kick me out of treatment and my CD expired so you can't hospitalize me for not showing up. I don't feel particularly attached to you and don't feel a need to say bye, but maybe I just want to talk to someone who will ground me a bit. Idk. We'll see what time I wake up on Monday without the alarm and how I feel then.

Nobody cares about me! Including you! Especially you!

I wish we didn’t have to do a phone sesh again this week

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I need the phone calls to stop. Getting my hopes up that they found Jack, only to find out that it wasn't him. It hurts too much.