Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Please don't say the wrong thing today and I won't say anything that will set you off either. Deal? But we do need to have a legit discussion so we are on the same page.

And I'm sorry I only had soda and M&Ms for breakfast. Its the increase in topamax. Its making me not hungry. And I did lose 2 more pounds since we met last week but again its a combination of the meds and anxiety. Not anything else.

tw politics?

I am glad we talked about things. I find it funny though that you asked what kind of M&Ms I ate after last week when you got pissed at me for asking what kind of candy you liked. I couldn't tell if asking you in response what kind of M&Ms you liked was just having a conversation, pushing boundaries again, or just being a smartass. So I just didn't ask anything.

You do still somewhat confuse me although I'm glad I told you how I felt about things.

I love you.

Dear Tleeeassseeee don’t let your kids’ doctor appt go late. I really need a session tonight. With my luck, you will have to cancel.

Lol at the misdirected email! Looks like an interesting event, but my ex lives around there so even if it had been meant for me, I’d have been hesitant to accept. Hmm, maybe we could touch upon why he still gives me the heebie jeebies after more than 5 years of no contact. I saw him at the till in the American candy store a couple of weeks ago. Glad he’s apparently got a job, but I’m even gladder still there’s another place in town to buy imported candy from!

Dear T: Thanks for yesterday! Even if you did call me a whole hour early! Whoops! Kit

You told me you are on vacation next week and I didn't flip out and I still am not flipping out. I don't know. Maybe an extra 50mil of topamax really does make a diffrence.

I really needed the session today, and it was just so rubbish I wish I hadn't bothered.

We went through the email from last week but it felt rushed, there was no thought put into responses on your part. It was like you were distracted and didn't really want to be there.

Towards the end you kept looking at the clock as though you wanted the session to be over and even mentioned that we had 10 minutes left, something you don't normally do. You also reminded me we were on session 6 of 6, I said yes I knew I had to pay again next week.

Something just felt off. You say all the right things but I'm not sensing much genuineness, almost like you're going through the motions. I feel really let down to be honest.

I'll probably never tell you any of this and will just say I'm taking a break from Counselling. That goes against my values of honesty and I should be able to tell you how I'm feeling....but I just can't.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

T: I am NEVER not going to stop blaming/hating myself over this. I am not going to magically adopt a spiritual practice, and I am probably never going to accept that he went away because he was doing his “cat thing.”

When it comes down to it, I am the one who left the door open, and it was MY stupidity that ended up with me grieving.

Dear T,

Maybe I'll take my shoes off too. I cannot/will not yet take my coat off, because that is an extra layer of protection that I still feel I need, but maybe I can take my shoes off like you do, to signal to myself that I am staying. That I won't be running out the door. (Though to be fair if I felt the need I'd leave the shoes anyway!)

But first you need to apologise and I need to explain.

K,

I am still absolutely flabbergasted that you weren't able to make time to help me process the ending of our relationship. Everything you know about me. Everything we did in our work. Everything you know about the human brain. Everything you ever told me led me to absolutely believe that when you were able to again, you would do the right thing.

But no. You just left.

How the hell did you think I was going to be ok with that?

Dreaming of you again last night K

Another 'sleep' another 'dream'. I say 'sleep' and 'dream' be ause two hours of nightmare filled time is not sleep to me. It's f***ing horrible.

TRIGGRR WARNING
I was with a new T and it was going ok. Until she went to get a haircut. And then a wild storm raged and I had to drive around and I picked her up outside the hotel but then the car broke down. She was in the back seat and kept getting physically closer to me, not despite her knowing I had serious issue with it, but because she knew I had serious issues with it. She was doing it on purpose. Inching ever closer, her face coming nearer and nearer mine. I couldn't escape, just writhing in agony. Closer and closer. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't catch any air at all. I couldn't stand the physical pain I was in. Closer and closer. Until I broke and managed to scream and then gasp a breath. At which point she backed off.

And she just kept repeating it. Over and over and over and over and over again.

It sounds like exposure therapy. I can't imagine this is what you are meaning for us to do, but this is what it sounds like it will feel like and I think it's pretty obvious I am scared about that prospect on quite some level.

So I guess it's no wonder I am missing Ex T so incredibly dearly again this week. She was my safe person. The room was my safe place. And now it's gone and now I face the prospect of this? I'm not surprised I want to run a mile. But I'm exhausted. I need some decent rest. And I need to try and find some stability between us.

You have changed how you work with me. You’re cold and distant. Just putting up with me and waiting for me to end. Why after 6 years.? I wish I knew what I did wrong. You deny you e changed your approach and that feels like gaslighting. You have. You no longer share anything about yourself. What did I do wrong?

I thought that was funny when I asked why your office smelled bad and you said "I dont know. Did you fart?" And I said no and then you got up to spray air freshner and said "I spray stuff when I hear it, but I don't always know when its silent." It was funny but the smell was really distracting.

I wanted to ask for an extra session this week but didn't. Thought you would think I was too much.

Thanks for reminding me that it's OK to just show up. It's hard, so maybe that's what I need to do. Other than work, the honest answer to 'How are you?' at the moment is a four letter word. I'm absolutely crap at asking for support when I need it.

I liked how on wednesday you said even though you won't do any extra sessions through email you said I absolutely have to have an in person session every week and I cannot go to every other week and thats why you were able to get my copays cut in half. It makes me feel like you care. Other therapists never did that.

You also looked legit upset that you were late again even though you werent even looking at me, but at some notes, and I didnt even bring it up. You did. You sounded guilty and I felt sorry for you for some reason.

Thank you L! It was a great beginning. It was sad, and I felt relief. I love you L!

E: Tough session. I want to believe you and try the something different. Just really scared. Thanks for the extra hug. I could never have asked.

I haven't been thinking much about you. I've been focusing on healthy eating and losing weight and my TV shows these past few days. The fact that we don't have a session this week doesn't bother me the way it would have a couple weeks ago. I used that money I would have paid for our session, on a new pair of jeans from Old Navy. I'm not sure how quickly hormones leave someones system. Or if its the increase in my topamax. My doctor did say it would help with my anxiety and moods. I'm not sure. But I feel like its a good thing.

If I seem like I'm in challenger mode this week it's because I am. I've been irritable as all hell lately and honestly probably a little grandiose so bad combo for getting on with people. Hopefully my NP knows how to send prescriptions out (idk if she does this but I used to get texts after appointments saying she sent the rx out and I haven't gotten anything yet) so I'll have a couple doses of depakote in my system by the time I see you so we can have a more productive session. I've had enough sessions just practicing playing devil's advocate it's getting old.

E: I like being able to write you emails whenever I need to. The waiting on a response is hard for me. I keep telling myself that you ALWAYS write back.

Dear T and E: I miss Jack SO much. It hurts. How long am I going to be in this sort of agony and despair?

Dear T,
I'm glad you're still up for beginning meeting in person again Wednesday. But of course I'm anxious about it, that something will happen to make us stay virtual. I mean, if it happens for just the one session, sure, OK, but more concerned about a longer-term thing. Plus then you'll be out of town the end of next week. I sort of wish it was just tomorrow that we were meeting.

I do wonder if I'll be your first in-person client, considering you're just starting Wednesday, and I see you at 11:30. I don't think I'll ask though. You seem to be looking forward to in person again as well--I mean, not so much with me specifically (though I'd like to think that, of course), but for some clients in general.

It was nice being able to just chat about sports for the last 15 minutes or so. I think you could tell that my brain wasn't in a place to go deep today, though we did touch on a few bigger things that could be continued later--I blame Daylight Saving Time (and my parents and bad sleep). But it helped to feel connected to you, plus your leaving your glasses off (I suppose I could have done the same, but ah well).

And I found the NPR thing about the guinea pig in Ukraine--it was nice to know you thought of me when you heard it. (Though I could have done without my original search result of the story about more people eating guinea pigs...).

Love,
LT