Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Thanks, E.

T-sorry to bother you. i am so so sad.

L,
I hope you see how much consistency actually helps me. And I hope you are more consistent in the future.

I don't have a crush on you, but it was kinda hot when you walked me into your office and you were at the door and said "just sit down" and were watching me navigate the table and as I was sitting down you said "ok, yeah." I don't know. Maybe the table was closer to the couch then normal. But I can fit into really small places.

Sometimes you do honestly make my boy parts tingle a bit. But I swear I do not like you.

Two more sleeps.
I trust you to help me do this, but do I trust myself to do it?

It doesn't feel the same since you started the new job. You're always busy and always sick. I miss how things used to be - you were more available and flexible and had more time and energy for me. I'm happy for you that you love your job even though it's impacting your health. I'm just sad for me. I feel a bit like you're moving away from me although I know you'd deny that. I've been thinking for a while that I need to cut down on sessions - both due to my health and not wanting to feel so dependent on the attachment between us. It means so much that if anything happened to you I'd be destroyed. I want to feel I care about you from a stronger, less needy place. But whether I'll have the strength for this.... I just feel so sad. I can't get rid of the feeling of loss.

Hey T, great session today! Was great going on the walk and meeting all the different people and their dogs. I’m glad I was able to talk to you about the things I found out, last night. It’s just sad, but I’m ok. All I can say is I wish things had been different, but I’m glad I have a new perspective on my history.

T-Thanks for the response. I hope you are able to talk to E today.

E- How are you so nice? Why is it okay for me to email you this much? Will it get to be too much? I hope you tell me before it gets to that point. It is just that everything hurts right now.

I am already too tired to discuss this all with you. To tell you how you hurt me. To face your defensiveness. I am too tired T, and this is not fair of you.

You should check on me.

Thank you for apologising, though I am surprised you didn't figure out that was the root of it, that that was 'the trauma' as you put it. However I do believe that you will now be more 'careful'. Problem is, as I have always wondered, how the hell are we going to get to do 'the work' when I literally can't get close to it. Every time I take a tiny step towards it all hell breaks loose inside.

I do quite like the idea of you checking in with me though, it seemed to work today to stop me falling down the rabbit hole, but yeah, I think too much might distract me. I'm sure we will find our way with it though. I'll have a think about what we can do to try and make the space feel more comfortable.

Like you said, this is just going to take a fair while I think. Despite my wanting it to be quick.

Oh, and PS, thank you for agreeing to giving this idea of mine a go. Thank you for believing in my instinct about what's best for me, what I need. If it doesn't work, we can always knock it on the head. Hopefully she will be agreeable to it too.

Dear K,

Thank you.

Me

It would really mean a lot if somebody checked in on me today. Not just for my benefit but because it's starting to feel like I might as well not exist. Thank goodness for my pets. If not for them, I think I'd assume that nobody would even notice if I noped out of life.

Dear T,
Nervous....
Love,
LT

Today at my local grocery store I saw the exact mint Aero bars that I would eat that reminded me of my transference T. Which means I now don't have to go out of state to stock up on them anymore. But I just gave them a glance and moved on. I did buy mint chocolate macarons. I honestly am not quite sure what my intention was except that I was going to buy macarons anyways and that flavor legit looked good.

Dear T,
Thanks for being patient with me while I rambled about whatever and acclimated to being in your physical presence again. Well, and being in your office. I'm glad I was able to talk about some real content eventually, though I suppose it would have been fine if the whole session had just been sort of reconnecting and feeling comfortable.

I'm also glad that you said how even if this in-person stint ends up being short-lived, you wouldn't give up on trying in-person again. I think I needed to hear you say that.


And what you said at the end meant a lot. It suggests that meeting in person has value to you as well.

Love,
LT

I was watching Project Runway season 6 and a contestant was talking about someone else and saying how they were the same age but she acted so much younger then him and he couldn't believe they were the same age.

Sometimes I feel like you think that. To be honest I also forget we are the same age since you act more mature and look alot older then I do. But you did start dressing similar to me. I don't know if that was on purpose or not.

But I have a secret bad habit I picked up as a kid from hearing my old man say it all the time when I was growing up. I only told one therapist because she was switching me to someone else so it didnt matter anyways if she knew. But it would affect you personally and it would not be good to tell you because you'd probably fire me. My mom knows too but I don't think she cares since I only talk to her about it and she knows I got it from my dad.

T, I hope you aren’t too sick. I do hope you feel better. Selfishly, I really needed to see you tonight.

Dear T,
Can you help me be more present in the session Friday? I think I'm sort of protecting myself for fear of it going away.

I know I got emotional at one point during session, so it may have felt like I was fully there. But it still felt like I was detached. Maybe it's just a natural part of adapting to being in person again? But even in moments where it seemed we connected, I didn't feel the connection in the way that I have lately when talking to you over Zoom. It seems like I should feel more connected in your actual physical presence, right? That's why I feel like I must be holding back, protecting myself.

But I don't want to do that. I want to feel it, even if it might get taken away soon. Otherwise, what's the point of meeting in person? Why not just stay over Zoom, when I know that will continue? Clearly, I wanted to go back in person for a reason. Maybe Friday we need to focus on connection. Perhaps a mindfulness exercise? You like those. I had the thought driving home that I could play another song for you--it's been a few years, but that made me feel connected before, and is the sort of thing that works better in person than over Zoom.

I just want to feel like, even if this stretch of in-person time ends up being pretty short, that I got the most I could out of it. Not that I was spending it protecting myself and missed out on the connection I had wanted.

Love,
LT

I was exactly the same when I went back to in person. It took time to reconnect with real life T. I get the urge to rush in case you have to go back online quickly, but your defenses are there to protect you and if you try to bypass them you will probably end up finding it even harder. Just take your time, let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. The connection will likely return of its own accord.

I kinda forgot our session was supposed to be yesterday. I was just focused on getting my shopping done and I was excited when I found some stuff. But I haven't missed you or anything. Or felt the need to email you. I'm just really trying to focus on my health and my doctors appointment this coming Monday.

But yeah I figured once the hormones left my system so would the feelings about therapy and therapy would be just a regular thing the way it was pre transtion.

Thanks, Echos. You make a good point on my defenses being there to protect me. Maybe I need a little time to see if in-person will "stick" before I can start to relax.

You're definitely not alone, LT. Even though I knew that my session today would be in person, I still flinched when my phone buzzed for other reasons. We've had a long time doing virtual therapy, and yet I don't think anybody really got used to it. I certainly didn't.

It took me a long time to come back from an emotional knife-edge, then we settled into a rhythm that wasn't quite as comfortable as it used to be...now I'm experimenting with finding out what this new phase of our relationship is like.

Sharing in case any of that is at all helpful.

Heya L. I don't know what made me think of this last night, but it just sorta dawned on me that the last time I saw you, your hair was different. It was that way again that you had it one time before like a couple years ago, when for that whole session I was so distracted because I kept in my mind "seeing" R sitting in your chair instead of you, since she does her hair like that. But this time in December, it was just, well, you with different hair. I didn't have the distracting constant double-takes thinking you were R this time. Another example of pulled-back projections, eh? That makes me happy.

I thought a bit about transference T today for the first time in awhile. Not just for no reason though. Today is the 2 year anniversary of when I began my medical transition. Then tommorow is the 2 year anniversary of my first telesession with her. I was basically just thinking of spring and summer 2020 and how she got me through things when I had no idea what was going on with me physically and emotionally plus covid was going on and there was just so much going on at one time and she just got me through it all. It was basically my fault when things changed with us after October when I got post op depression after my surgery.

But all these anniversary thoughts are always just a one year thing. With any anniversary. At least for me.