[SarahSweden]

It's now several years since I was left and terminated by a therapist who meant very much to me and whom I liked very much. As my grief and sadness over it all isn´t as bad as it was then I did some brief googling on this therapist.

She worked within church and we met in church and had our sessions there. She was religious and believed in God. When I met with her I got the impression that she had been working within church for a long time and that she shared Christian values. To me that means you don´t strive for a lot of money, you don´t exploit others for money and you live a rather sparsely life, not spending a lot of money on "unnessesary" things.

But as I see it now it was her therapist persona that partly fooled me. I got very surprised and a little "chocked" that this therapist had worked within the financial business and within the restaurant business. She was, according to business info online, still a board member in one of the most exclusive restaurants in Sweden. I also saw she had went to one of the most expensive restaurants in Stockholm with her husband.

This doesn´t at all go together with how she showed herself to me when I met with her. I thought she lived a rather simple life and didn´t strive to earn a lot of money or go to fancy resturants.

I truly believe that I and perhaps others really get fooled by our how our therapist present themselves through their "therapist personas". If we knew what they were really like, we had probably seen a lot that don´t go together with our own values or how we look upon life.

It´s not that my former therapist can´t be a good therapist because of her background but to me it´s all about the wholeness of a person. For me who live a lonely life, living a rather poor life economically don´t relate to those making a lot of money or who visit very expensive restaurants.

Have anyone of you experienced something similar with your therapists?

[ArtieTheSequal]

Oh absolutely yes.

I will try to remember to come back and write more later. I'm at the tail end of my break now and need to get back to work.

eta ok now i'm at lunch. I've been thinking about this in the back of mind mind since earlier. Even though I totally still respect her a ton as a T and am still hugely grateful for all the changes I made in myself with her help over the years - I absolutely believe that i was fooled by her therapist persona. Like I trusted that that was all I would ever see or something.

(i wrote more but it was a little too much. so i removed the too much. sorry.)

[stopdog]

I have always said they are actors and manipulators

[Lonelyinmyheart]

It sounds like your therapist wasn't congruent - as in, she wasn't true to how she really is in her daily life and instead took on a separate identity as a 'therapist.;

Not every T does that. Mine is genuine and authentic and true to herself. How she is with me is exactly how she is in her life, she just uses skills with me that she doesn't use with her family and friends. She shares stuff about herself, albeit within reason. She doesn't pretend she's someone she's not. I know she has struggled massively in her life and in some ways continues to. She is a humanistic therapist and this approach highlights the importance of being real with clients, not putting on a false front.

Obviously there needs to be a balance as people may not want to see a therapist who doesn't appear professional enough for their liking or who openly shares certain things. Also, the therapist-client relationship is so incredibly important for the work to be helpful.

[Waterbear]

Wow, I didn't read all of your post but I really don't agree that Christians don't strive to earn money or eat in fancy restaurants!!! That isn't my understanding of the religion at all....

[susannahsays]

Maybe. You can really only be "fooled" if you assume they act the same at work as in their personal life. Most people have a professional persona that is different from their private one. I know I do. I guess it just never occurred to me, personally, that this wouldn't also be true for therapists.

ETA - For example, professional me is patient, understanding, and flexible. Personal me is neurotic, judgemental, and rigid.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I've never felt particular "fooled" by some sort of therapist persona.

I knew my therapists fairly well, including a fair amount about their personal lives. They didn't particularly keep any of that secret. I found them to be consistent in how they presented themselves in therapy, and I honestly wasn't all too concerned about their personal lives - I just was aware of their families, their church associations (or lack thereof), their politics, more or less how they lived . . . but I didn't particularly "judge" them for their personal lives - for good or bad. Not my business really.

It never crossed my mind about them perhaps living a different lifestyle than mine due to finances. I guess I've had a range of therapists. I've had kind of run-of-the-mill, work for public institutions, live in a fairly middle-class neighborhood types. I've also had a pdoc whose office was at his house which overlooked the ocean - yeah, big bucks there. I didn't find their financial status -- wealthy or not -- had much to do with their ability at their profession. And the bottom line for me was their ability to do their jobs with some competence and assist me how it was needed.

I also do not agree with your standard of "Christian" values - that comes from somewhere, but it appears more about you than it really does about Christianity. Kind of a warped reading and understanding of scripture . . . but I won't get into theological argument with you.

You have a pattern of resenting people who have more financially than you, specifically therapists. I don't know what that is about, but it somehow always comes up in your posts. Might be an issue of self-worth? No idea, but you do appear rather judgy of them for their financial independence.

Professionals of all types have their work persona that is clearly not the same as their personal persona. I don't act the same way with my students as I do with my family. That would not be professional or helpful to them. Should I live in poverty in order to teach my students of poverty? Is that a requirement to be able to teach them successfully? I am a Christian. Does that mean I should not own a home or a car, or go on vacations or own a business if I desire?

I just don't think you have clear thinking about this - it is a persistent topic of judgment for you - but it just isn't very logical.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

Maybe. You can really only be "fooled" if you assume they act the same at work as in their personal life. Most people have a professional persona that is different from their private one. I know I do. I guess it just never occurred to me, personally, that this wouldn't also be true for therapists.

ETA - For example, professional me is patient, understanding, and flexible. Personal me is neurotic, judgemental, and rigid.

I suppose that was my problem. She always for most of the 10 years I saw her INSISTED that she brought her "whole self" to sessions and I guess I misinterpreted that. She brought her "whole best-behaved therapist persona self". She ought to have distinguished that! I am curious now about how does one have a "real relationship" with a persona? Wish I'd thought to ask her that question before we ended.

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

I suppose that was my problem. She always for most of the 10 years I saw her INSISTED that she brought her "whole self" to sessions and I guess I misinterpreted that. She brought her "whole best-behaved therapist persona self". She ought to have distinguished that! I am curious now about how does one have a "real relationship" with a persona? Wish I'd thought to ask her that question before we ended.

Honestly Artie, I don't think you misinterpreted. I think she purposely, if not necessarily maliciously, misled you. When she made the *****y comment about how you don't really know her, she had stepped out of her professional persona to lash out at you. For some reason, she felt peeved that you took her at her word. Jmo.

ETA - my first comment assumed that the therapist hasn't literally told you otherwise.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

Honestly Artie, I don't think you misinterpreted. I think she purposely, if not necessarily maliciously, misled you. When she made the *****y comment about how you don't really know her, she had stepped out of her professional persona to lash out at you. For some reason, she felt peeved that you took her at her word. Jmo.

ETA - my first comment assumed that the therapist hasn't literally told you otherwise.

I do feel like she stepped out of her persona for sure during our last few sessions. (Sorry I deleted the stuff earlier. I got on a roll and just wrote way too much. Didn't want to take over the thread that much.) I kind of appreciate that she did though, honestly, it made it easier for me to leave. Even though I'm the one that instigated the ending, it still wasn't easy to do and her being less of the "her" that I thought I knew was helpful in that regard and I have a sneaking suspicion she knew that it would be. Therapy with her was my first (and only!!!!!) long-term therapy, so I had no idea what I was doing or what to expect during the ending.

And that was part of the problem, too. I told her that I wished we had talked more about/planned more for an eventual ending so I would have known better what the heck to expect. Maybe she took that as a criticism.

[ArtieTheSequal]

I'm sorry SarahSweden I will stop hogging your thread now.

[divine1966]

I don’t think there is such a thing as “therapist persona”. They are just people like all of us. Therapists I know are no different than anyone else I know.

I also have never heard that Christian value is not to spend money or not wanting money. I don’t think Christians must deny themselves pleasures of life, as long as they didn’t steal that money

I think one can be a great person yet have money and eat in fancy restaurants. And one could be poor and eat modestly and yet be a total jerk with low morals. One thing has nothing to do with another.

People work, make money, then they want to spend on things or eat fancy. Why is it a problem. It’s not an indication of low morals or being fake.

Now of course if she verbatim told you that it’s wrong to eat in restaurants and then you ran into her in the restaurant, then she is a hypocrite. But if she simply attends church and is a therapist, then eating in fancy restaurants or buying nice things is not against her faith or professional standards.

In addition if she and her husband both work, it’s possible going to expensive restaurants is just not that big of a deal. It’s not like they go and buy an island. Although even that is ok if they have the money.

[LonesomeTonight]

I do think I got sort of fooled by my former marriage counselor's therapist persona, where he was very caring and accepting and forgiving. And then during our final rupture, it was like I saw this completely different side of him, which I imagine was maybe his outside self coming in. And it was particularly difficult for me, because I had a different image of who he was.

With the T I have now, he has said that who he is in session is very similar to how he is in his outside life. And I believe that. He can be rather blunt, even harsh at times. He's not warm and fuzzy (like ex-MC was). He lets me know if something I do bothers or frustrates him. I struggled with this for the first year or two with him. But now I realize it's ultimately better that he's "real" and honest with me.

[atisketatasket]

I know we do. But also I think sometimes we want to be fooled.

[Omers]

I tend to be very untrusting of therapist's personas in general. the first T I tried to work with we were awful together as client and therapist. She didn't reveal much to her clients which left me very scared. Ultimately we ended up at the same church and eventually being friends. I discovered that despite having a lot of money she lived quite simply with her husband. She was also involved in a great deal of charity. IRL she was much warmer and personable than I had found her to be as a T.
Current T... I thought for sure he had to be a fake... but he is SO consistent. I have since subscribed (with his permission) to his wife's blog... and to see him through her eyes he looks exactly the same as what I see. Now I am also trying to work with a therapist he supervises and when she shares stories yet again he is the same loving person I see. Most of the time I like his authentic self just as it is... he has a few quirks that bug me but nothing major.
I don't trust art T to be authentic AT ALL.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think we also project a lot onto our therapists. For example if you believe that being Christian is about living simply without ostentation and you know your therapist identifies as Christian, it’s easy to assume that being Christian means the same thing to her as it does to you. But maybe she sees it differently or maybe her understanding of “simply” is different from yours. (I’ll bet that there are many people in the world who would see your lifestyle as luxurious and lavish… these things are very relative.)

It’s the therapist’s job to make us feel understood and sometimes it can seem that they agree with us. They agree only that our feelings are valid, not that they share our entire moral and ethical framework. Sometimes the therapist is the first person to really impress upon us that we deserve not to be harmed and that seems like such a radical statement of solidarity that we imagine that we must have a lot in common. If we find out that we don’t or that we have some fundamental disagreements it might feel… a bit weird. But how much was inauthenticity in their persona and how much was our projection?

[divine1966]

Sara I reread the original post and words and phrases stood out to me. “My impression was”, “to me it means”, “I truly believe”, “for me” etc

It appears that’s not necessarily the therapist is unauthentic but rather that you personally have your own ideas how the therapist must be and what things must be: believe in God means not wanting money etc

But those things are our own projections and assumptions, not necessarily reality.

I also wonder about your perception of money and ideas about what money should be spent on. There are people who never eat out but they buy nice clothes. There are people who have no interest in clothes but like nice vehicles et Some people save all their money for old age. Those are individual preferences. What do you believe therapists (and people in general) should be spending their money on?

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for your input and for sharing.

I don´t know how my former therapist acts in her life outside therapy so I don´t know how different she is in her behaviour from how she was together with me in the therapy room.

What I though reacted to is how her former jobs, within finance and restaurants is very far from her work within church and working as a therapist. The people working within finance is, as I see it, very different from those working with people and with people in need and hardship.

I guess the Christian values per se can be different depending on who you ask but as I saw my therapist, that doesn´t go along with working within fincance. What happened between her jobs and why she changed careers, I don´t know of but it still made me think of the therapist persona as something different from who the people behind this persona are like.

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

It sounds like your therapist wasn't congruent - as in, she wasn't true to how she really is in her daily life and instead took on a separate identity as a 'therapist.;

Not every T does that. Mine is genuine and authentic and true to herself. How she is with me is exactly how she is in her life, she just uses skills with me that she doesn't use with her family and friends. She shares stuff about herself, albeit within reason. She doesn't pretend she's someone she's not. I know she has struggled massively in her life and in some ways continues to. She is a humanistic therapist and this approach highlights the importance of being real with clients, not putting on a false front.

Obviously there needs to be a balance as people may not want to see a therapist who doesn't appear professional enough for their liking or who openly shares certain things. Also, the therapist-client relationship is so incredibly important for the work to be helpful.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks.

I didn´t say I thought my therapist did a worse job because of her financial status, I talked about how her different careers within the financial business and restaurant business made me wonder about who she really is and what values she has.

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

I've never felt particular "fooled" by some sort of therapist persona.

I knew my therapists fairly well, including a fair amount about their personal lives. They didn't particularly keep any of that secret. I found them to be consistent in how they presented themselves in therapy, and I honestly wasn't all too concerned about their personal lives - I just was aware of their families, their church associations (or lack thereof), their politics, more or less how they lived . . . but I didn't particularly "judge" them for their personal lives - for good or bad. Not my business really.

It never crossed my mind about them perhaps living a different lifestyle than mine due to finances. I guess I've had a range of therapists. I've had kind of run-of-the-mill, work for public institutions, live in a fairly middle-class neighborhood types. I've also had a pdoc whose office was at his house which overlooked the ocean - yeah, big bucks there. I didn't find their financial status -- wealthy or not -- had much to do with their ability at their profession. And the bottom line for me was their ability to do their jobs with some competence and assist me how it was needed.

I also do not agree with your standard of "Christian" values - that comes from somewhere, but it appears more about you than it really does about Christianity. Kind of a warped reading and understanding of scripture . . . but I won't get into theological argument with you.

You have a pattern of resenting people who have more financially than you, specifically therapists. I don't know what that is about, but it somehow always comes up in your posts. Might be an issue of self-worth? No idea, but you do appear rather judgy of them for their financial independence.

Professionals of all types have their work persona that is clearly not the same as their personal persona. I don't act the same way with my students as I do with my family. That would not be professional or helpful to them. Should I live in poverty in order to teach my students of poverty? Is that a requirement to be able to teach them successfully? I am a Christian. Does that mean I should not own a home or a car, or go on vacations or own a business if I desire?

I just don't think you have clear thinking about this - it is a persistent topic of judgment for you - but it just isn't very logical.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for this insightful post.

I agree with you that my understanding of what Christianity is might be different from how my former therapist look upon religion and what a Christian should be like. It was spot on what you wrote about believing that the therapist agrees with me and my values when she actually perhaps just validated my feelings.

I agree some of my perceptions and beliefs about my former therapist have been projections. Part of it comes from how she acted and what she told me about herself, that is not everything is her "therapist persona", nor everything is the "real her" when she doesn´t see clients and work as a therapist.

I also agree it´s easy to think that we have a lot in common with a therapist when we feel validated and heard but that might just be partly true or not true at all.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

I think we also project a lot onto our therapists. For example if you believe that being Christian is about living simply without ostentation and you know your therapist identifies as Christian, it’s easy to assume that being Christian means the same thing to her as it does to you. But maybe she sees it differently or maybe her understanding of “simply” is different from yours. (I’ll bet that there are many people in the world who would see your lifestyle as luxurious and lavish… these things are very relative.)

It’s the therapist’s job to make us feel understood and sometimes it can seem that they agree with us. They agree only that our feelings are valid, not that they share our entire moral and ethical framework. Sometimes the therapist is the first person to really impress upon us that we deserve not to be harmed and that seems like such a radical statement of solidarity that we imagine that we must have a lot in common. If we find out that we don’t or that we have some fundamental disagreements it might feel… a bit weird. But how much was inauthenticity in their persona and how much was our projection?

[SarahSweden]

Thanks.

I agree some of my beliefs about my former therapist and how I percieved her are based on my projections. I guess I want a therapist who is similar to me in how she lives, what values she has and so on. Even if I agree the therapeutic skills aren´t depending on how the therapist lives per se, to me it´s the wholeness that matters.

I want someone who can relate to me and who I can relate to, it isn´t only the tehcnical skills that matters. I think I´ve believed a little too much in the therapist being able to relate to me when she in fact used techniques to made me feel heard and validated. Which of course is positive and a skill I appreciate in a therapist.

Of course anyone can spend their money on what the like and suits them but my trust in a therapist builds from feeling that she has at least partly a similar life as mine. That means she doesn´t have a lot of money or live in a large and fancy house. For example my former therapist, who this post is about, told me she didn´t have that many friends and she also told me she and her husband couldn´t have kids. To me, such things tells me she can relate to me and my situation.

I understand it´s not all happy and lucky for a person who has a lot of money and a large family but it´s much harder for me to bond with such a person than with a person who lives a similar life as I do.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sara I reread the original post and words and phrases stood out to me. “My impression was”, “to me it means”, “I truly believe”, “for me” etc

It appears that’s not necessarily the therapist is unauthentic but rather that you personally have your own ideas how the therapist must be and what things must be: believe in God means not wanting money etc

But those things are our own projections and assumptions, not necessarily reality.

I also wonder about your perception of money and ideas about what money should be spent on. There are people who never eat out but they buy nice clothes. There are people who have no interest in clothes but like nice vehicles et Some people save all their money for old age. Those are individual preferences. What do you believe therapists (and people in general) should be spending their money on?

[Favorite Jeans]

IDK if you’re familiar with the concept of fundamental attribution error? I think it’s helpful whenever we extrapolate a lot (especially deep things like values) about a person based on a few details or actions, which of course is the situation we find ourselves in with our therapists a lot. I think that could easily apply here.

It’s easier to be happy when we decide that people’s goodness is genuine, that their crappiness is just clumsy and not personal to us (with few exceptions for truly dangerous people), and that we are all just doing our best.

[divine1966]

Do people have to live lives similar to yours in order to understand you?

You kind of have to accept that “a lot” of money is kind of relative. What you consider lots of money might not be for others.

Also would it give you peace of mind if you tried to feel happy for other people? Someone else always has more than us. We just can’t escape it

Nothing wrong with looking for a therapist with a similar life style. Like certain age or gender or other details (I wanted therapist with immigration experience for example). That’s understandable. You focus on finances a lot though, not being happy they are financially better off than you. It’s just something you probably have to accept.

[Quietmind 2]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks.

I agree some of my beliefs about my former therapist and how I percieved her are based on my projections. I guess I want a therapist who is similar to me in how she lives, what values she has and so on. Even if I agree the therapeutic skills aren´t depending on how the therapist lives per se, to me it´s the wholeness that matters.

I want someone who can relate to me and who I can relate to, it isn´t only the tehcnical skills that matters. I think I´ve believed a little too much in the therapist being able to relate to me when she in fact used techniques to made me feel heard and validated. Which of course is positive and a skill I appreciate in a therapist.

Of course anyone can spend their money on what the like and suits them but my trust in a therapist builds from feeling that she has at least partly a similar life as mine. That means she doesn´t have a lot of money or live in a large and fancy house. For example my former therapist, who this post is about, told me she didn´t have that many friends and she also told me she and her husband couldn´t have kids. To me, such things tells me she can relate to me and my situation.

I understand it´s not all happy and lucky for a person who has a lot of money and a large family but it´s much harder for me to bond with such a person than with a person who lives a similar life as I do.

Not criticising you, Sarah as I've asked my current therapist a lot if she can relate to my past and current circumstances and the painful experiences in my life.

I firmly believe folks can sense incongruence in therapists and my T does agree folks can sense inauthenticity.

There's also nothing wrong in wanting a therapist with common shared values.

I'm using examples here on how my therapist shows me her shared values even though we're very different socio-economically and in other significant ways.

As she lives in a really nice house with her parents and siblings and sometimes goes to nice fancy restaurants.

As well as certain demographic features as she's got a PhD, and more opportunities I never got, and I'm not university educated.

She doesn't have to personally have experienced what I have and what other clients have, in order to be able to put herself in my shoes. She can empathise and respond with compassion (and not pity, folks can sense it).

She can still relate in important ways because she knows a wide range of people in her professional and personal life. Which of course I don't know details about, due to confidentiality, but she has said stuff on which shows me she understands.

I'm sure there are therapists who only know other middle class people etc.

My therapist has a sliding scale where those who can easily afford more, pay more. And those in financial hardships pay less.

I'm currently mostly unable to work yet don't qualify for even time limited partial state assistance with living expenses. Even as my life savings are almost gone and I've been malnourished as a result. Which of course is depressing and I get suicidal often.

So I'm seeing my therapist for free, temporarily.

Another example, my therapist is Christian and my society in general is full of conservative Christians with certain values which are very bigoted.

Disclaimer: Please know I don't hate Christians, and I'm NOT looking to start a debate and am only using my lived experience as someone with a ton of emotional scars due to experiencing a ton of direct and indirect harm from a particular kind of Christian.

So, I have had justified fears I'll be referred to "conversion therapy" or be judged for my sexual orientation and gender identity. And of course I projected onto my T. Which is probably normal.

My T proved to be safe, understanding my fears and deep pain, and I've been slowly working on my religious abuse.

Some questions. You don't have to answer these.

Maybe that therapist of yours gives therapy at a church in order to help the less fortunate?

Maybe she donates money to charities?

Maybe in her restaurant business, she pays workers a good wage (some places have no minimum wage or it isn't enough to live on) simply because she wants to, instead of accumulating even more money as she knows she's well off?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Quietmind 2

Not criticising you, Sarah as I've asked my current therapist a lot if she can relate to my past and current circumstances and the painful experiences in my life.

I firmly believe folks can sense incongruence in therapists and my T does agree folks can sense inauthenticity.

There's also nothing wrong in wanting a therapist with common shared values.

I'm using examples here on how my therapist shows me her shared values even though we're very different socio-economically and in other significant ways.

As she lives in a really nice house with her parents and siblings and sometimes goes to nice fancy restaurants.

As well as certain demographic features as she's got a PhD, and more opportunities I never got, and I'm not university educated.

She doesn't have to personally have experienced what I have and what other clients have, in order to be able to put herself in my shoes. She can empathise and respond with compassion (and not pity, folks can sense it).

She can still relate in important ways because she knows a wide range of people in her professional and personal life. Which of course I don't know details about, due to confidentiality, but she has said stuff on which shows me she understands.

I'm sure there are therapists who only know other middle class people etc.

My therapist has a sliding scale where those who can easily afford more, pay more. And those in financial hardships pay less.

I'm currently mostly unable to work yet don't qualify for even time limited partial state assistance with living expenses. Even as my life savings are almost gone and I've been malnourished as a result. Which of course is depressing and I get suicidal often.

So I'm seeing my therapist for free, temporarily.

Another example, my therapist is Christian and my society in general is full of conservative Christians with certain values which are very bigoted.

Disclaimer: Please know I don't hate Christians, and I'm NOT looking to start a debate and am only using my lived experience as someone with a ton of emotional scars due to experiencing a ton of direct and indirect harm from a particular kind of Christian.

So, I have had justified fears I'll be referred to "conversion therapy" or be judged for my sexual orientation and gender identity. And of course I projected onto my T. Which is probably normal.

My T proved to be safe, understanding my fears and deep pain, and I've been slowly working on my religious abuse.

Some questions. You don't have to answer these.

Maybe that therapist of yours gives therapy at a church in order to help the less fortunate?

Maybe she donates money to charities?

Maybe in her restaurant business, she pays workers a good wage (some places have no minimum wage or it isn't enough to live on) simply because she wants to, instead of accumulating even more money as she knows she's well off?

I had similar thoughts as in the last paragraph.

When we eat in the restaurant and pay for our meals we help to keep restaurants open (especially during covid when so many lost their business), when we leave generous tip we help restaurant staff. Since she used to work in a restaurant business, she knows that for restaurants to survive people have to eat there! When restaurants get closed all these people lost jobs and it’s not a desirable outcome for staff

When we had a complete lock down and all restaurants were closed, we had a couple open for limited carry out, most didn’t even do that.

I used to go once a week to pick a meal from this one catering venue. During lock down they tried to keep their business open by selling cooked meals on the weekends.

One could assume that I did that because:
I am rich and spoiled and want others to cook my food for me, I am lazy and .don’t want to cook, I have something wrong with my values, I betray my faith because I spend money on picking up food, I don’t understand how other people don’t have what I have, I am not authentic etc

But in reality if I and others didn’t do it, the place would lose their business and people. lost their jobs and they did not. Many people continued ordering food from restaurants during lock down because they didn’t want people to lose their jobs. We had one restaurant closed after 35 years in business because of covid.

I think when we assign motives to other peoples’ actions, we speak from the place of our own bias/stereotype and project our own perceptions of things on other people without really knowing or understanding what’s going on. We all do it at times. But it typically doesn’t do us any good.