Extemporanious Writing Assignment

I had a good therapy session last week. I seem to be connecting a bit more with my T. No, I am not in love with her; but she is becoming less of this big scary person who, for means of self-torture, I'm paying to prying into personal life. At one point I was thinking that maybe I was using therapy as a way to SI (I think I enjoy pain but I am too wimpy to inflict it on myself). However when I honestly assess myself I know that it has helped me. I really think my previous session helped prepare me for a meeting with a childhood friend; which was very painful but yielded a lot of healing for both of us. Mouse, I still think frequently with that pain article you posted once.

For the first time I was given an assignment to complete by my T. Each day I am supposed sit and extemporaneously write about what I am feeling towards my H for 20 mins. I not allowed to go back and edit it, just write what comes to mind. I'm supposed to bring it with to my next appointment and give it to her so we can go through each entry during the session. It didn't sound to bad so I agreed to do it.

The first night this assignment went a rye and I ended up writing about my past. Since the point of the assignment was to simply get stuff out, I let myself go off track that evening. The following evenings I stuck to the assignment topic and like a good little student have followed the directions not permitting editing.

Last night I reviewed my weeks entries and felt really nauseous. I don't like who I am in these writings. I am not going to be able to share them with her. I know some believe that it may be wrong to keep your inner self in check. But I really don't want to share who I really am.

(((((McKell)))))

I suppose extemporaneous writing assignments might have their place but as a literacy instructor I always take issue when teachers give students these assignments because the wide open space of possibility is often too much to work with for some students. I know (think) you are a teacher as well. It is my feeling that building context at first is the way to begin writing instruction. Although some people flourish with these kinds of tasks, not everyone can write off the top of their head.

If you and T are trying to unravel some feelings you may harbor about your husband, can't you do it in session where someone is there to hold you when you fall apart? Ask her.

If I were your writing teacher I would give you some scaffolding surrounding this assignment. So, for example, I would ask you specific questions about your relationship with your husband that you may (or may not) want to answer. Can you do that for yourself? You shouldn't have to feel bad all alone.

Take gentle care.

xoxoxo

Mckell, As I read your post I thought from what i know of you here, I can't believe you would feel that afraid of "showing" yourself. Then I though to of how I feel when I journal, and I remember telling T that sometimes I've read back my journals and thought what a load of crap, I sound like someone trying to know all the answers and I know nothing. Its only just this moment as I read your post that I realised that is one of my charactor flaws or survival techniques, I pretend to know all the answers and then proceed to try and get rid of my fear of not knowing anythinig on to others, I really dont like this about myself, infact writing this feels me with a sense of shame. But if someone else had just typed this post and I was reading it, I'd think, well trying to pretend you have all the answers ain't no big crime, but why does it feel like it is? I guess if you showed your T your writings she too wouldnt react to them like you have yourself? why do we allways feel so hard on ourselfs?

I would ask your T if you can give them to her and not discuss them at this time? I use to do a lot of writing and mail it to my T at her office. It was very useful to me in both the writing and the knowing she read it. But my T only discussed what I brought up.

Or, is there one or two of the assignments you can discuss? I'd rank order the responses and bring one a week to discuss for a short period, "best" to least favorite. Remember, it's your therapy, T's are just trying to find ways that might help you; looks like yours found some paydirt but you're in shock at all it has produced?

Wow, mckell, that is a really BIG assignment. I wonder why she gave you that? Did you seem to be stuck and asking for a way to get unstuck after having tried everything? It just seems HUGE and SCARY to me. But maybe smaller steps, face to face, were not working? Maybe your T wanted you to find out about how you felt about your H, but instead you came face to face with parts of yourself you don't like. I can understand why you might not be ready to share that.

Maybe this is way off, but maybe what you wrote is truly honest and perhaps it included some of your needs. That are not getting met by the marriage. And when you look back at what you wrote, that person inside we tend to train for decades to not have any needs, read those words and was horrified. Maybe it sounded like you were being selfish or saying "me" "me" "me". And maybe that is not so bad. Maybe you need an objective therapist to read what you wrote and reassure you that you are OK and it is OK to have needs and express them.

I think at the very least, you should share with your therapist why you don't really want to share what you wrote with her, and what this assignment brought up for you. Maybe you can just share verbally the gist of a few of your entries, instead of having to let her read all the entries. You can protect yourself a little this way, but still discuss some of the important content. One step at a time.

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Sunrise said,
But maybe smaller steps, face to face, were not working?

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My trip home kind of intensified things..I really tried to explain..but it just couldn't come out...I think she knew it was affecting more than I reported.

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..but maybe what you wrote is truly honest and perhaps it included some of your needs. That are not getting met by the marriage...read those words and was horrified.

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Yes.....I really don't have an appreciation for what love really is...

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Perna said,
T's are just trying to find ways that might help you; looks like yours found some paydirt but you're in shock at all it has produced?

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Paydirt...yeah I guess that's what she might call it-it will likely secured a need for a few more visits ...shock...yes. She seems to always be a few steps ahead of me.. I wonder if she knew this would happen? Did she manipulate me? Is this some power game?

Luckily, I have a week to recover ... I'll be OK...my biorhythms must be low this week :-) Sister, I'm not ready adjust the assignment at this point. I think I've had enough for a while.

Thanks everyone

I don't think T's are particularly manipulative, just hopeful :-)

Free association is a good thing, but not necessarily in huge doses. Why not limit your writing (ask your T about doing this) to maybe just making note of one or two things that day, concerning your spouse?

If you can't share with the T what you are digging up, it probably isn't a good thing to dig so much up at once!

Again, going slower in this instance might help you work through things faster.

BTW I've been looking for current biorhythm charts free online, is there such an animal????

Forgive me Perna, I don't get your comment. Maybe the Puerto Rican rum is dulling my intellect but I don't get how a T can HOPE to help a patient in this way. Please explain it to me! How does knowing that your are a superficial %#@&amp;#! and that your marriage is %#@&amp;#! help anything? If you were a T and you suspected your patient was struggling and you recommended a treatment approach that would likely result in an adverse response,..Wouldn't you be ethically bound to help them prepare for it?? I as an professional would ever ask a patient to but themselves in a dangerous situation without knowing (explaining on their level) the potential consequences. Its my job to say 'hey, here are your options, a few of these can be risky and may leave you vulnerable and less able to protect yourself.' 'Are you really sure you want to do this?'

I like the free association idea Mckell - in the past, I've found that it often gives a person a place to start especially when they feel "stuck."

That's my humble opinion.

Sky,
I want to PUKE when my husband touches me!!! .... my marriage and kids are in jeopardy. If I can't share what being dug up, its not a good thing ...%#@&#! it's too late now it's done dug up! How do you put it back??

Biorhythm charts, yes they were real... source... I have no idea...credibility...ranks about the level of a witch doctor or psychic hotline. It had to do with entering in important dates and the machine crunched numbers and yielded 3-4 sinusoidal lines each representing different things. I think it was health, intellect and something else. In graduate school it was a nice excuse for doing poorly on an exam and accepting no responsibility.

Sorry,, if I offend anyone... tonight... I'm taking this extemporaneous assignment to an extreme and can't seem to stop...want to just explode.

Perna, my T is too smart not to have realized the potential risk... why did she tell me to do this??

Sorry Perna I know you can't answer my questions.

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mckell13 said:
Yes.....I really don't have an appreciation for what love really is...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">And maybe you are learning that. And then you naturally ask how does what love really is relate to your marriage? And maybe the answer is hard to bear. Maybe you aren't ready for this, and maybe it is too much too soon. Don't be afraid to tell your therapist you need to slow down.

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Did she manipulate me? Is this some power game?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It sounded to me like she gave you a straightforward, although difficult, homework assignment. I don't see any manipulation or gameplaying. I think she is trying to help you. If it's not working, you can let her know you need a different approach or pace.

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If you can't share with the T what you are digging up, it probably isn't a good thing to dig so much up at once!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I agree!

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How does knowing that your are a superficial %#@&#! and that your marriage is %#@&#! help anything?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Realizing the marriage is not good can help you identify ways to work to improve it, or help you make the decision to leave it. So this is very useful information. As for the superficial part, I wonder if you are being too hard on yourself?

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If you were a T and you suspected your patient was struggling and you recommended a treatment approach that would likely result in an adverse response,..Wouldn't you be ethically bound to help them prepare for it??

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">mckell, I think you should talk to her about this. I don't believe she thought her homework assignment would be so traumatic, but I think it is really important to sort this out with her, as your feeling that she did it deliberately, with potential intent to harm, sounds like a pretty serious rupture to me.

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I want to PUKE when my husband touches me!!! ....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Do you know why? I'm not asking you to share that here, but just wondering if you know? That would be an important thing to ferret out in therapy. It could lead you to insights about your marriage and what you should do next.

mckell, I want to say that I hope you can talk about a lot of this with your T and come to greater understanding and get reassurance. You are important and worthwhile, and you deserve to have your needs met. When I was going through some of the marriage stuff in therapy, it was an important realization for me about the role I had played in my marriage's demise. Even though on the surface, one could look at the situation and say "he was abusive, he had affairs, he treated her like c**p, etc.", it is not so simple. I did a lot to enable his behavior and played a huge part in our dysfunctional marriage. It was hard for me to recognize that, but now that I understand how much I was responsible, I know it is within my power to "never do that again." Learning this stuff about myself will have future pay-offs down the road. So when you ask, how learning these difficult things in therapy can help anything, that is my answer.

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mckell13 said:
Maybe the Puerto Rican rum is dulling my intellect but I don't get how a T can HOPE to help a patient in this way. Please explain it to me! How does knowing that your are a superficial %#@&#! and that your marriage is %#@&#! help anything? If you were a T and you suspected your patient was struggling and you recommended a treatment approach that would likely result in an adverse response,..Wouldn't you be ethically bound to help them prepare for it??

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No one knows what's lurking in your unconscious and how you are going to choose to respond to it. I once got a splinter in my finger, oddly enough, from my Group T's home doorframe. The next week it was infected, and I had to go to the hospital (I didn't have a doctor, this is in the late 70's) and they literally "operated" on it to get the splinter out and clean up the mess. That's what therapy does; if you don't notice/bring up the literal splinters then you can't fix the problem.

But no one, including you, obviously, knew what the problems were or where they were. Your T suggests things in hope that something hits the nerve, tells her where it hurts? That's why you're supposed to talk about it with her because you AREN'T a "superficial %#@&#!" and if your marriage is %#@&#! then it's better to know that than not to! If you're getting blind-sided by the %#@&#! you need to see that it is there. That's all, not to judge it but just to see it, is all a T hopes for.

Thanks Sunrise and Perna..

I lost it a bit and let my emotions get out of control. I know I am responsible for where I am and how I'm responding to everything. I can't blame anyone for this. I'll be able to handle it.

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Sunrise said
It sounded to me like she gave you a straightforward, although difficult, homework assignment. I don't see any manipulation or gameplaying. I think she is trying to help you.

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In my gut don't think she is playing with me either. That was just my resident distrust and paranoia talking. Sometimes it gets the best of me and yields anger.

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Sunrise said,
Learning this stuff about myself will have future pay-offs down the road.

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Thanks for the reminder. I must know that or I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing. Unless I really am just getting off in some sick way on torturing myself.

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Perna said,
..if your marriage is %#@&#! then it's better to know that than not to!

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Thanks for this comment too. I know this. I have been preprogrammed to seek the truth, whether I really want to know it or not. Most of the time I consider this a good trait, today not so sure.

I also know that its my own bullheadedness, pride, and distrust that has let things get bottled up and distorted. I can't blame anyone but myself for that. When it really comes down to it... I'm even the one shaking the bottle to get it to explode. My T just gave me a few pointers on how to do it.

Get this explosion--

In my delusional state, I sent my T a full and complete extemporaneous disclosure of the past. And from what I remember, I even including how this recent trip down memory lane has reduced my ability to detach from it when necessary. I snail mailed it and there is no chance of getting it back now. I'm sitting with this today. Some part of my rational mind must have still been functioning last night anticipating my reactions today. After I printed the letter I deleted it from my computer so could not torture myself reading it over and over and regretting every word. If I go back next week, I think I'll need a few shots of the rum before the session :-)

Thanks for letting me vent to you all. Sky in reading my response to your comments, I hope you understand that frustration and anger at myself had set in a that point. I hope I didn't offend you or anyone else for that matter. Good thing for the text censors :-} Please accept my apology.

((mckell))