Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

T, you are killing me. Can you at least tell me you are okay? I don't want to text bomb you. I am not sending more than one text in 24 hours so it's going to be a long wait until tomorrow if you don't respond. Plus I sent you that cute picture of Helen. Didn't that make you smile? I am anxious. I really hope you are alright and that everything is okay. I hope you just decided randomly to take a trip and that you just needed a break from life. I get that. But just send me a thumbs up or something. Proof of life? Thanks. xoxoxo Kit

Two more sleeps.
I'm grateful to you for coming through for me.

Speak to you Friday.

Kit-I feel ya. I also sent my T a picture of my cat, to maybe help the fact that I emailed her back.

E: Obviously I am not getting a response back. Did you already start vacation? Do you kinda hate me now?

Theres this song called Walking On Broken Glass and right now I can relate to the part that goes

If you want to hurt me
There's nothing left to fear
'Cause if you want to hurt me
You're doing really well my dear

I don't know. I guess I still am kinda numb about it all and I'm not feeling much.

Dear T: thanks for getting in touch with me. I still miss you and want to talk to you but I know we will talk soon. And I will update you after my pdoc appointment today. HUGS Kit

So glad your T got back to you! Mine is most likely on vacation, so I won’t get a response 😞

I asked you either the last time we met or the time before "you're not going to backdoor me and switch me to someone else are you?" And you said "no... and if I did you'd be in excellent hands because she knows a ton about this stuff." I don't know. I hate throwing people under the bus. It is not who I am. But I'm wondering if I should tell the therapist I'm meeting with that you told me that. Because it seems like a really ****ed up thing to say and then actually do to your client.

HUGS velcro003

Thanks Kit. I’m glad I have this forum, bc no one in real life would EVER understand any of this.

I hear you.

Judging by that post I guess you thought I looked particularly massive when I saw you on Monday?! I miss my pre pre baby metabolism so much! I wish I could just be ok with it.

Dear T,
I miss you. Lots of stuff I want to talk about, including something from last night. This part of me (child part, even though you don't think that way) wants to email you, but I'm not entirely sure what I'd say or what I'd want back (aside from confirmation that you're still alive). And I think, with the recent history, it's risky to send an email like that right now. I could say I'm stressed about the mammogram tomorrow, which is true, but it also would not be my primary reason for emailing you. So if you simply responded to that, without any other commentary, I imagine I'd feel disappointed. So I'm not sure it's worth the risk.

Of course, this is all subject to change tonight, tomorrow morning, or in the next couple days. And, of course, who knows what else life will throw at me between now and then?

Love,
LT

I am somewhat resigned and defeated, E.
But the anxiety will really start getting bad in the middle of next week. I don’t know how I am going to face you, knowing you did not answer an email
where I questioned if we were going to have a talk about boundaries and such. Ugh.

You really need to call me tomorrow. I've been waiting for your call all week since you cancelled on me for Tuesday. I've called the crisis line every day multiple times and while I'm not dead or in the hospital, I am in agony and I'm not sure I can get through this without going back on opioids. Every fking moment of every fking day I feel like I could lose it (and I have lost it several times). I'm sick of apologizing to people close to me and now they're not even close. "Coping skills" are shittt. How can I play the keyboard when every fiber of my being is screaming at me?

Really hope you are OK. This is not ideal, but then it's not ideal for you either.

Fingers crossed for next week.

Dear T,

Would you like to meet this bear?





I met your inner snake and he was not to my taste, far too mean.

xoxo

I could be misunderstanding this, it sounds like your T made a post implying you're in ''bad shape''.. if so, that seems to me to be particularly cruel as you've had a baby. Please ignore this post if I've got it wrong. I saw a T for too long (well a couple of T's actually) who had more than just a tendency to be mean and judgmental. How would that help? Also a different ''professional''' (not in the ''helping'' professions fortunately, made a very cruel statement about my ''weight'' when I had put on weight due to some meds which are notorious for weight gain... some time ago, I can't take those (or other) meds now)

Thank you Fuzzybear, yes I think he did make a post about me eating too much. I also feel like I take up so much more space in his room now! I really am trying to love my body and take better care of it. I just feel like I shouldn't be allowed to love my body, as it's not what it once was.

I'm sorry you had that experience that's awful! And thank you for the post ❤️

Dear T: Ugh. That was a brutal session. I still don’t know what to make of this dream. I kinda feel you are leaning towards something happening, but I don’t know.

I hope I'm just meeting with the supposed new therapist. I don't know. I don't know what to do if my current t is there too in this consultation. It will be super awkward and I would feel almost put in the middle of the two of them. Like how is any of this fair to me or to any client who would be in this same position?

I didn't mention transference T to you at all. I'm not sure I will. Its not that I'm still not dealing with it its that I don't want it to affect how we work together. I did mention unproffesional and bigot T though and I guess the last one I saw I'll secretly call backdoor T.

Dear T,
It means a lot that you replied so quickly to my email, even though you were in the middle of traveling (though I certainly hope you weren't actively driving when you did so! Probably just taking a rest break, or perhaps your wife was driving). I figured I'd have to wait until tomorrow morning (and would have completely understood that).

Glad you still exist and that the plan is still to meet in person Monday. Feels like it's been much longer than a little over a week.
Love,
LT

I feel reluctant to connect with you. Is it necessary? What does it even mean? Do I have to? A part of me thinks it might be necessary, a part of me thinks it's wrong to do so. A part of me might quite like to feel some form of connection, a part of me couldn't think of anything worse.

I've been thinking about writing something to bring to show you, but haven't known what. Maybe this would be a good place to start?

I guess I still don't feel much from my last T leaving me the way she did. Everyone else seemed a lot more pissed about it then I did. Maybe its because I never particularly liked her in the first place. Or maybe my doctor was right and my surgery fixed my hormones so therapists are once again just therapists to me. It wouldn't explain the feelings I still have for my transference T but I don't think anything will explain that.

When the supervisor was ranting to me on Wednesday there was a guy in his mid to late 20's doing something on a laptop in the seat next to me. I bet he had quite a show. Google image Michael Jackson eating popcorn gif. That was him.

I kind of want to email you. But I don't want to get into that habit with you. I don't want you to be the type of therapist my transference T was. Although I could really legit use the support. But I see my pdoc in just about 4 hours so I'll have some sort of answer, well hopefully, in a bit.