Forgetful T

My T is very forgetful. Not just forgetting small details of things which I would expect but often things that are important to me or things that we have spoken about a few times. One of my core wounds relates to being forgotten about and often overlooked so I am very sensitive to being forgotten so I am aware that some of the things she forgets may not impact someone else quite so much. She knows her forgetting things has a HUGE impact on me.

Yesterday she forgot something else about a family memeber which is quite significant. I am trying to assess whether this is the final straw for me. or if I am over reacting and expecting too much based on my triggers and past wounding. I don't want to put it down here in too much detail so am wondering if anyone would be okay with me sharing it in a DM to get their perspective.

Edited to add: I mostly always bring up the things she forgets or talk about how it impacts me.

It really bothers me when my T forgets stuff too. I know he won't remember everything, but sometimes I feel really stupid for having talked about a thing for hours and then he can't remember that about me. Or like you, something about a family member. Feel free to DM me if you like!

Thanks Lost. Ya like I'm trying to figure out if my expectations are too high about what a T should and shouldn't be expected to remember. This just seems like something they should. I will DM you thks

I don't have the bandwidth for DMs but I really want to validate how painful it can be to be forgotten, be it big or seemingly small. One of my core wounds is also about being overlooked, easily forgotten, or that I'm remembered with disdain.

I've gotten really upset (though I mask it) when my former psychiatrist forgot my name, or my T spelled my name wrong (even though I've never liked my name).

Once my T asked me a question about the motive of my abusive sibling in an abusive incident I endured. I got upset because it seemed she didn't remember I had already told her ages ago. It turned out that she was checking to see if my beliefs on my sibling's motive had changed.

I've gotten upset whenever she's more than 30 minutes late to an appointment even though its only happened twice in a long time. I immediately jump to the assumption that she has forgotten me because the other patient was more important. She actually was quite annoyed / frustrated when I told her if she forgot me the second time, and asked if I think she'll forget about her schedule of patients for the day.

I know both times happened because of severe inpatient crisises and she'd give me extra time if needed too (I told her that) but I know as an outpatient that there's a limit. Whereas those 2, I felt like they mattered more because they were inpatient / more acute crisis. Plus her being so late also would result in negative work consequences for me because my bosses were already unhappy I was an employee needing time off work once every 2 weeks to once a month for "mental weakness" (stigma) despite HR backing me up.

I find it very difficult when T’s forget important details and conversely, it makes me feel very connected and cared about if they spontaneously bring up themes and details from previous sessions. Even, “I kind of remember something you said about xyz a while back, what was was it? [refers to notes for a few seconds] Oh yes, that this thing happened and you felt blah blah blah…” is 100% fine with me. I don’t expect perfect recall, the effort of keeping good notes and then using them is plenty.

I was so lucky with my Ex T, she never forgot anything I told her, it seemed. That ladies memory is insane! I too would be upset if a T consistently forgot things, so I think your feelings are really valid here.

My T sometimes 'remembers' things and it feels a bit forced and purposeful and feels a bit icky...like a technique she is 'using'.Sometimes it feels more authentic and natural and does make me feel good. One of the most powerful sessions I had with her was when she remembered something I'd shared about someone as if what they had done had annoyed her. She also asks things that she has asked before sometimes (but as one poster shared this may be to see if our opinion and perspective has changed-but could also be she forgets) I definitely do not expect 100% recal but as you say just maybe even remembering we've had a conversation about it but be a bit unsure about what was said would make sense.

As a person with personally horrible memory for details, I tend to cut people slack -- including therapists.

I know my own inability to recall details has absolutely nothing to do with my level of caring for an individual, nor does it keep me from being supportive and consistent in my attention to those individuals. I just have a crap memory for details about things at times. I don't know why. I juggle dozens and dozens of students each years, and this is a constant battle for me. But I own up to it with them. I can only be honest about it and continue working with them as I always do.

My last therapist was very much like me that way. He'd forget names or confuse something on occasion that, yes, he probably should have kept straight. But rather than take that as some sign of lack of caring (which it absolutely wasn't), I chose to take the path of least resistance and simply remind him of whatever it was and move forward. For me, it was an easy act of grace for a flaw that I completely understand all too well myself.

I too am a very forgetful person so am very understanding of others forgetting details. And yes as you say my lack of recall doesn't mean I care less about others. I do however know at times my lack of ability to try harder to retain certain information that friends may tell me a bit lazy. i.e they have sometimes shared important things about work or family members and I forget when really it may have been something I perhaps should have taken more of a mental note to ensure I remembered. If I knew those same people also had wounding around being forgotten and I knew having poor recal of their important events affected them alot I would ensure I did it less. My point it I don't think it can always just be put on the client.

My therapist of about 3 years is extremely forgetful. It has disturbed me all along, during the course of our therapy. She forgets big things, little details, you name it. That said, she is a profoundly caring therapist. I feel that and know it. So what I do is remind her, as in, "Some months ago I told you about...." and so on. Her lack of memory still bothers me, but I try to weigh the bad against the good.

Thanks for this! For the majority of my conversations I also lead with things like; I mentioned before but you may not remember as it was so long ago or it was not that significant etc....I always lead with the presumption that she won't remember and generally have no resentment of ill feeling towards her if she doesn't . Some of that comes from a core belief I have from childhood that I am not worth remembering so why would she and some of it also comes from the knowledge that people forget things just simply because they are forgetful and not necessarily because they don't care - like myself.... so 99.9% of the time this is my stance and how I view it and it's fine and I move on...It may sometimes sting but it's okay logic and reasoning are in charge ....Then there is that 1% of the time however where it's just too much.... It gets to me.... It's something to important or something we have spoken about numerous times... AND I have ALOT of wounding around this that she knows about. Then I have to ask myself when does the scale tip from it's okay she is forgetful we are all forgetful etc to No..wait a minute....I need to stand up for myself here.... I am accepting this because it's a core belief that I have...I am not worth remembering and here she is reaffirming that.....but in fact the opposite may be true. Maybe I am worth remembering especially at times when I have spoken about something numerous times and clearly it is important. Maybe just maybe that is on her. Yes she may still care but maybe just maybe she is just being lazy and although it doesn't mean she doesn't care about me the client it IS showing a lack of care towards me the person.

Sorry that was a ramble but helped to vent and appreciate your thoughts and response

Honestly, my forgetting things has never been about laziness. It’s been about too many people and details for my brain to recall automatically. I have no idea why. It’s been a life-long issue. I’m a very smart person, but I always sucked at objective detail. Made studying a chore. Hours of drill and kill. I remember names and I remember faces, but I often can’t keep them connected. I am awful at memorization tasks. I make lists. Keep journals. Set alarms. Still have issues. Widow’s brain isn’t helping the matter.

But it’s not for lack of effort. It’s not Alzheimer’s or anything like that. It’s not degenerative; I have always been this way.

But give me a subjective task and I thrive. Relationships. No problem because despite the fact that I may have to ask you to remind me of a detail from time to time, I am loyal, kind, respectful, responsible, supportive. My students completely forgive that I might have to ask them their name if I see them out of context because I am upfront with them that this is my big flaw as a teacher, but they have seen my dedication to their progress, my willingness to support them, and the care I take in my teaching.

Is this therapist otherwise helpful, supportive, consistent? Can you just simply refresh her recall and trust that once prompted she’s right there with you? I know my therapist and I created a bit of a family tree that he kept in his notes which he would pull out on occasion for recall.

My dear husband had an awful memory for birthdays and anniversaries. He forgot my birthday pretty regularly and remembering our anniversary date was a constant worry for him. Don’t even get me started on the kid’s birthdays. He was awful at remembering appointments. But he was such a kind man and would just do anything for anyone. In his last few years he really did start developing early onset dementia. His short term memory issues really affected his quality of life those last few years. So I have real empathy for people who struggle with recalling details. I just have never experienced forgetfulness as a lack of caring. I have seen it caused by stress, trauma, disease, distraction by too much going on at once, or just an odd quirk of learning style (which seems to be my issue).

Negligence is a different matter. I just don’t generally see forgetfulness as negligence. Is it possible that you are reacting to the experience of early negligence but have equated forgetfulness with negligence? I ask that because my husband came from a history of not only childhood abuse but also severe negligence. He was literally forgotten by his family and left places. His care was neglected regularly. That’s forgetfulness of a different kind. Just a thought and probably way off, but since you mentioned this is a core belief you have held it crossed my mind.

Hi ArtleyWilkins, Yes, of course you are right. Forgetfulness certainly does not equal laziness so my apologies if that's how my post came across. It also as you say does not mean a lack of caring. As someone who resonates with a lot of what you experience and have ALOT of difficult with memory 99.9% of the time I am understanding. I think there is a difference between forgetting details, specifics bits of information and forgetting whole conversations that we have spoken about a few times though if it's not due to an illness.. I realize that may make it sound like she as an illness of some form which as far as I am aware is not the case. It doesn't happen all the time either perhaps 2-3 quite significant things over the past year. They were things that were spoken about numerous times at length and when I brought up again it's like she had forgotten. Even things that I had brought to her attention that she has forgotten before. So forgetting a 2nd/3rd time. This to me this seems different to someone just forgetting somehow. I have brought up her forgetting and how it's painful and then she continues to forget next time... Kind of like telling your husband how important it is for you remember your anniversary numerous times and then he goes and forgets. I certainly wouldn't call this neglience though. And yes, this is all mostly reaction based on my past experience and that is why it is so painful when it happens and why it makes me angry. Most other people would not be bothered by her forgetting these things in the slightest I know.

smileygal, I just want to say, I relate a lot to what you describe.

@smileygal I wonder, does your T take notes? I know a lot of them do, and it seems like she needs to write down details to remember things.

Yes, she does take some notes. I have brought up how at times it often feels like she never even reads back over her notes. The type of therapy she seems to practice is based on psychoanalysis although she is not fully practicing that but adds a bit to this.

Thanks for your response. Helpful to know that it resonates with others and I'm not alone.