Couch 237: Social Rules

Good point Scarlet. I think I was focused on telling her the symptoms I was experiencing and I did not ask specifically for skills. I don't know if I will ask her in text today since I am in a slightly different place today emotionally but something to bring up on Tuesday I suppose.

I talked to my boss today on a video call through Microsoft Teams. I think she is ignoring all of my, for lack of a better word, craziness this week. She is coming to visit our location on May 31st through June 10th. And she is having the employee come that I find difficult to get along with June 7-9th. Sigh. Great. The employee isn't my supervisor but she is senior to me. I am not at all looking forward to spending three days with her. Actually it will be 2.5 because I have a mammogram appointment on the 7th so I will have to leave work at 1:30 PM. I'm glad my boss isn't upset with me for all my word vomit. She probably thinks I'm nuts though. I wish I felt better.

Eh, I decided to reschedule the mammogram because my boss seemed a little disappointed that I wouldn't be here the whole time with the other employee. But I got the appointment for the next week. And I told the other employee that I was looking forward to meeting her, which is a lie, but at least it's not as much of a lie as saying I was excited to meet her. I couldn't quite get myself to write that.

My dad is bringing me McDonald's for lunch today. I left him some money so he didn't have to buy it, just it's too far for me to go there and back on my break, but I wanted to treat myself today after the week I've had. Plus we have no leftovers at my house and I did not want another sandwich for lunch. Plus I have been craving McDonald's.

Ugh, Dr. T told me at the beginning of sessions that my texts confirming in-person had become annoying. After having said a month or two ago that they were completely fine. And confirming that about a week ago when I checked in. I've only been doing them because early on in resuming in person, he texted me a Zoom link while I was in his waiting room. And how sometimes when he's putting sessions in his calendar, it autopopulates as Zoom (he stills sees the majority of his clients virtually, by their choice).

So that triggered all sorts of stuff in me, especially considering that I've had conflicts regarding email/outside communication with both ex-T and ex-MC. And these were literally texts that just said, for example, "Confirming in person at 12 today," which I later shortened to "CIP@12." And his just clicking the thumbs up on the text (imessage) or replying "y" or whatever was all I wanted. Which he said took about 30 seconds and was not an issue at all. Until...apparently it was?

When he said they had become annoying, I immediately started crying, and he said, "It's OK. It's not a big deal." But it felt like it--again, because he had very recently, like a week ago, said they were fine! We discussed other stuff for the rest of the session, then came back to the texts right at the end. I said how to me, being annoying felt like the first step toward abandonment. He said it was like the first step out of his office being a step toward New York City (we're like a 4-hour drive/train ride from there). As in, very minor. But it's still painful. I emailed him to explain further, which I acknowledged was probably just adding to annoyance (and I continued the steps toward NYC metaphor, which hopefully he appreciates, as he's from there).

**Please no replies expressing judgment on emailing him or being bothered by this. Again, this is partly due to past stuff with T's and other people, and he is very aware of that. I know it's OK to annoy someone; I don't want a lecture on that right now....**

Ouch, LT.

I can imagine how his flip-flopping would hit a sore spot for you.
It must be hard to feel as though the rug could be yanked from under you at any point, when you've just got comfortable...or perhaps it doesn't allow you to get comfortable.

I suppose in his head it might be as if you're seeking reassurance.

It sounds as though it would have been easier if he'd just said 'Assume in person until I confirm otherwise', without inserting his opinion on things.

I think you pay him to keep his opinion out of things, to a degree?

Sitting with you in your discomfort.

Oh LT, hugs my dear!!! I would find that very distressing! And I would not like to hear that something I was doing was considered annoying by my T. Although I've been worried that I've been annoying to my boss and coworkers this week so maybe that is my stuff coming out! Sorry if it is! I can see how that would be painful. I'm joining Lost and sitting with you in your discomfort. I hope your T gets back to you sooner rather than later. And that it is helpful. Not more harmful....

Thanks for your understanding comments and for sitting with me, Lost. I agree it would have been better if he'd just said, "You really don't need to send the texts--it will be in person unless you hear from me."


I told him I worried that he'd forget to tell me it had to be virtual and that I'd have to do the session from my phone (usually I'm on my MacBook) in the car. He said if that ever happened, he'd pay for my session. Which I appreciated. But if he'd said so before, I'd have maybe felt better?

In terms of keeping his opinion out of it, he's said before that he disagrees with that philosophy of therapy. That his feelings still matter. But seriously, if he can't handle what he told me literally takes him 30 seconds? That if that's too much for him? It does make me wonder what I'm paying him for at times....

Aw, thanks, Kit! Hugs back to you, as I know you're struggling. I imagine he won't get back to me until tomorrow morning, but that's OK. Probably better than him dashing off something in anger/annoyance tonight.


I hope you can have a peaceful evening.

I think there is more than one layer to this, on both sides.

Kinda reminds me of The Case of the Standing Up at the End of the Session.

I know you've said he's a sports psychologist in the main, but what is his modality? I can understand that his feelings still matter, but he's worked with you for long enough to know that you'd be sensitive to that kind of thing, surely? The constant threat of in-person being 'taken away' must be detrimental to your progress with therapy, if only in terms of your level of comfort in working with him.

I agree that there are probably multiple layers, for both of us.

He was a regular psychologist before getting the sports psychologist credentials--that's sort of a side thing. I'm not sure what his actual modality is--he's said it's a mix of things. His PhD is in clinical psychology (which is fairly general!).

And I agree that it seems he should be aware by now that I'm sensitive to this sort of thing. I think that's part of what makes this so difficult, actually--that it feels he knows me well by now, including my triggers, and tries to be careful. So to just say this--he had to know I'd react poorly to it. And that brings up thoughts of "Does he even know me at all?" Maybe that's part of what this is about?

You also make a good point in the continuing threat of in-person being taken away. As that's part of what the check-ins are about. If I felt completely secure in it, then I wouldn't do them at all. Maybe deep down, that's what those are about? Though I don't know that I'd be checking in had he not sent me the Zoom link that time while I was in his waiting room in person. And was afraid we had to do virtual, when I'd driven there. Which felt a bit like abandonment in a way, even though it worked out and I saw him in person that day? In his mind, it was probably fine, but for me, the threat was there.

And I think the concern about having to suddenly switch to virtual, with it being a unilateral decision, is definitely looming. I went in today expecting that announcement, as there have been so many headlines recently about both increasing cases and hospitalizations in my area and nationally. So that likely ties into it all as well. He seemed slightly annoyed when I confirmed today that he had no announcements to make, but then also said he's fine with me checking in about it (but is he?).

Ugh, I just hate how things like this make me feel. I wish they didn't affect me so much, but, I mean, it's part of why I'm in therapy. Would be nice if the therapist didn't trigger the insecurities more....

You pay him for three hours a week. During that time, you should be certain that you are his priority.

Given that the mistake happened, it's natural that you'd want to check in. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else.

My tweaky dog is making me crazy today - he is so clingy and every time I move he has to come lean on me. Sometimes I leave the house just to get away from him.

Thanks, Lost. He also said before that he was once working from home with a client who was in the waiting room, so he actually couldn't see him in person. Though he said at that point he was still doing virtual for all clients, so he didn't know why that one thought they'd be in person. But it stuck in my head.

I just felt the texts were a quick way for me to not have to worry if he was a minute or two late getting me in the waiting room. It felt like a minor inconvenience--from what he'd said!--on his part so I didn't have to stress needlessly about something.

Plus it is so hot here already that their daily walk has moved to later when the sun goes down - so far he is resisting learning how to tell time.

Even if he didn't know that you might be sensitive to him saying that, there's surely a more tactful way to address your texts than by saying it was "annoying". That would bug me too.

It's supposed to be 88 here. There was a tornado up north. We dont get that many tornados. Well, didnt used to.

Thanks, NP. It helps to know that it would also bother you. You're right that he could have said it in some other way that would have felt less hurtful.

How many times do I have to tell you, stop eating cabbage.

We don't usually hit the 90s in May -although we are no stranger to tornado. One touched down here yesterday

I see a flood of freudian body part jokes. And you are encouraging her.

I need entertainment.

Besides, if you can already see them...ex-hankster’s work here is done.

I woke myself up farting last night.