Couch 237: Social Rules

My plan last night was to go to my women's study at Church and then go to the ER because of the

But I felt better after attending Church so I decided the ER could wait. I could always go today or tomorrow or this weekend if needed.
I woke up feeling okay but pretty soon I was back to not feeling well and feeling

And anxious because my boss is supposed to call me today. She probably thinks I'm off my rocker. I am a little bit off the rails because I'm having paranoia, agitation, stress intolerance, difficulty managing emotions, anxiety, as well as depression and

So this conversation might not go great. My boss is pretty understanding but I was pretty upset and freaking out a bit yesterday so yeah, not a good look. I am kind of dreading the conversation.
I took some anti-anxiety medication this morning so I could make it through work and I am considering a Lybalvi if things get bad, but I hate the way Lybalvi makes me feel physically and emotionally so I try not to take it. It will chill me out, like a lot, but it makes it difficult to do my work in a whole other way.
Several people have mentioned to me taking time off of work, but I just took a week off last month. I am maybe a little regretting not going into the residential treatment program last month when I was checking into it, but I do think a lot of my symptoms right now are grief based. I am going to reach out to my therapist today and just update her, even though I don't feel a lot of faith in her to actually be able to help. And I don't really know that I have the words to say to describe all of this. I guess I could just tell her what I wrote here. I'm not sure.
This weekend is going to be difficult with the memorial service. Usually I look forward to the weekends because that is my rest time. We'll see. I'm still struggling. My stomach is nauseated but I think that is anxiety.
I guess we will see how today goes.
Thanks for listening. Hugs and hellos all around. Kit

HUGS, Kit.

I hope you are able to stay safe this weekend. Will you be able to get some rest after the service?

Yes, the service is at 11 AM with the repast after. I imagine I will be home by 1 or 1:30 PM which I then plan to spend time zoning out in front of the TV or playing with my cats and my Mom's dog. I cancelled my Saturday morning Zoom class that I run at 9 until 10 so I have time to get ready for the service. I'm considering taking tomorrow off of work, but if I am going to feel bad, I might as well feel bad at work where I have a chance of getting distracted. But if I freak out at work, that's not good and that's where I need to make a decision. I'll see what my boss says later when she calls me.

Thanks for the hugs, Lost. Hugs back to you.

I completely understand wishing your mother had told you her decision herself.

The probate process does seem very overwhelming (having seen my mom go through it with her mother), and to have to deal with it while your grief is fresh I'm sure makes it even worse. Hugs if wanted.

Hugs, Kit. I hope your talk with your boss goes well and that she's understanding. Also that your T might be able to help in some way.

Hugs to all of you who need and want them!

Hahahahahaha!

I have so very missed the Couch.

Howdy Couch!

I have been lurking sporadically, but super busy. I'm stuck at home in my room for 5 days with non-serious covid. It is weird being not-busy. Last week, my dream was to have a whole entire day to just lie in bed and relax. I am recognizing that I do not do that relaxing thing well.

NP- Sorry for bringing up something from so many days ago, but you wrote something that really struck me in a gut way, something about calling the awfulness abuse, can you call it that any more? I can't find the post again. I just have been struggling with similar thoughts: maybe it wasn't really, and even cycling back to some of the maybe I caused it or didn't interpret things right. It's weird because when I read your post, my thought was of course it was that bad, of course you can call it what it was, but can't seem to get there for myself. I don't mean this to be about my experience, just wondering why it's easier to see that from the outside and whether your mom's unwillingness to see it brings up that self-invalidation. Maybe. I am rambling with brain fog. Anyway,

I contacted my therapist via text and let her know what was going on with me. She hasn't gotten back to me (yet) but she might be busy with appointments, etc. I told her I would update her if I go to the ER for mental health reasons.

Still waiting on my boss to call me. I am trying to decide if I should send her an apology teams message since I did sort of word vomit all over her twice yesterday in my psychosis. Or just let it go. I don't want to make things worse but yesterday was definitely not my best performance at work, and not typical of how I behave at work. I hope she knows that. But still. Not good. I'm not worried about being fired or anything. I'm the one who does payroll and I have access to the payroll reports and there has been no checks written for me out of schedule. (Yup I am a bit paranoid.) But I am worried about what she is going to say.

Had to deal with said coworker today in order to get some bills paid. I was extra polite and did not find any difficulties with working with her today. Usually when it comes to paying bills we don't clash too much. I asked her a question on email early this morning about the P and L report but she hasn't gotten back to me. She might be avoiding me, or I might be paranoid. Or both!

I think I have worn out my friends with my constant neediness this week. So I am trying not to reach out and just suck it up. The bigger than usual but still within prescribed limits of anxiety medication I took this morning seems to be helping me do that. I don't know what will happen when it wears off though.

I sent my boss an apology Teams message for word vomiting on her yesterday, twice. I think I was much more clear and succinct in my message this time around and hopefully was able to show I had a plan of action for dealing with my mental illness at work. Although I did tell her I needed help managing the work stress regarding a particular client. So we will see if she responds. I hate back and forth conversations when it would be easier to pick up the phone. But it's also less embarrassing this way.

Still haven't heard from my T either. Sigh. I am very tempted to forego aftercare tonight and just veg out in front of the TV.

Anxiety is picking back up. I think the medication must be wearing off.

I'm a little annoyed my boss didn't get back to me today. Sigh. Now I get to be anxious all over again for another night. Maybe she is just ignoring it. IDK. I'm not going to bring it up tomorrow. If she wants to talk to me about it she can. I word vomited. I apologized. I said what I was doing to attempt to manage my mental health. I asked for help for what I needed help with. I guess the rest is up to her to respond. I don't know what else to do.

Hugs, Kit. Most likely it has nothing to do with you in why your boss didn't get back to you--she probably just got busy, had meetings, etc. I agree that letting it be now is the best option. If it was a really big negative thing, I would think she'd have responded. Take care of yourself tonight.

Hugs, Kit. Your boss is probably busy with other things and has no clue that the non-response is causing anxiety. I'm glad you were able to deal with the difficult coworker.

Saw the lawyer today to start settling my mother’s estate.

While I was waiting for her I just wanted to walk out and open door into the past and go back in time to when I had parents.

just logged on for a minute to check in. @@ I'm so very sorry to hear about your mom. Hugs if wanted.

Sending hugs Atat

Hugs and head nods all around as appropriate/wanted/needed. I just logged on for a minute to stick something in dear t and thought I'd come here and offer hugs. I'm doing well, work keeping me busy, really starting to get a lot out of the weekly zoom drum circles I've been attending, as I gain more confidence in this shamanic work and working one on one with a different person pretty much every week. Night!

My D and her bf put an application in for a unit and were invited to view it by the real estate. They are really excited because they were told that it is theirs if they want it. I hope they are not disappointed as the rental situation here is insane like 20+ people showing up for every viewing. I will know later today or tomorrow if they get it.

My T texted me last night. Why aren't these people more helpful? Being told she is thinking about me and that she is sorry I am going through this does not actually help me in any way! I could get that from a friend! How about some skills for coping or something? I'm like on the verge of going to the hospital and she's "thinking of me"? I'm not impressed.

I guess, at least she got back to me though.

This is what I like about my DBT T. When I'm really freaking out, her advice is incredibly practical. Sometimes the PTSD Coach has helpful suggestions, if you ever want to try that. I think it was developed for combat veterans, but it isn't just for people with PTSD. Still not as good as a responsive T with something useful to say, though, and I'm sorry that you didn't get that just now.

L would say that she doesn't always know what I need, so it helps to tell her exactly what I need. If you need skills, then tell her that. Support, encouragement, caring, reassurances...

Thank you EM.