Couch 238: Appreciating Small Progress Couch

Thanks, QM. That sucks that you found out about your T's break that way. Breaks are difficult anyway, but harder with little notice. Are you seeing her this week then? If so, I hope it goes well.

No, I can imagine it's not.
For me, crying during virtual sessions feels a lot less safe somehow...and then the Critic cuts in with its usual 'Waste of time...' garbage.

I'm much more acutely aware of the time passing in virtual sessions.

The "less safe" makes sense--because you're alone in your crying. I feel there can be a comfort of having someone there with you when you cry. Maybe it's a bit different if they're the reason you're crying (like the start of today's session). Still, I think I'd have been comforted on some level by Dr. T's physical presence, full body language, etc.

I was teary a bit in the beginning today, then a tiny bit at the end.

Dr. T didn't give me any sort of reason, just that it's an individual thing that won't affect future sessions. I tried to press and said if it was something fairly innocuous, like his car wouldn't start, I'd rather know. He said he generally prefers to keep his private life private, except when he decides to share something, and then it's something he thinks will be helpful to me, not just sharing for the sake of sharing (yeah, I'm pretty sure some of what he's shared since the pandemic started has been for the sake of sharing, but whatever).

More in a bit.

Trying to relax as much as possible today, although my Niece and Nephew who are visiting got me up pretty early today. I also just got around the liking the Facebook page of the place I recently started Therapy at and apparently the Mother of a former Therapist of mine worked there (if she doesn't still work there) the photo was from a Mother's Day event back in 2019, which was actually just before she left the Therapy place I was seeing her at, very interesting to say the least.

Quick update that I'm meeting with him in person tomorrow rather than Tuesday (then the regularly scheduled session Thursday, as he's off Friday). I just feel weird about how the session ended, in part due to some things I said (including, "You wouldn't lie to me, right?"). But I think also it would help me to see him in person to sense that things are OK. And I also have another concert tomorrow night (though unsure it will go off, due to predictions of severe thunderstorms--it's outdoors), so then I can just relax on Tuesday after that. (And if things are weird at all tomorrow, I can sort of get those feelings out at the concert.)

I'll see her this week, fortunately. But, I feel like I hadn't emailed, she wouldn't have initiated an email. Our last session was very difficult and I ran overtime because she triggered me, and had to leave while not feeling ready to go.

I wasn't doing well, struggling a lot, then she kept pushing me to say an affirmation aloud instead of mumbling it. It wasn't voluntary mumbling at all, it was due to immense shame, and I was trying my best. I already tried to tell her, because her firm tone can be scary to me (logic doesn't work on this). Then she said the triggering phrase (she actually knows it might be triggering) and set me homework. Then got me to leave by telling me to pack my things.

I'm also feeling conflicted because of simultaneous opposing wishes although I likely wouldn't be the only client with it...

Ages ago, T would give everyone the time they needed, and she still does, but it's a lot less. She used to give folks up to 30 minutes more, myself included. I've also gotten into trouble at my former full-time job due to her being extremely late: 45 minutes to over 1 hour, though it only happened twice.

I regularly ran overtime by 15 minutes because I honestly have difficulty grounding (not due to lack of practice, but internal stuff), so I set a goal to leave on time. I asked her to provide a 10 minute, or 5 minute time check. That helped a lot, even though I miss running overtime. I even got used to ending on time or occasionally 5 minutes overtime.

But she always made sure I left reasonably okay... until yeah our last session. Where she triggered me.

Then, there's the part where I wonder if she'd just tell me next session (and so giving no notice) if I hadn't emailed.

I know I'm fortunate to have her, and I'm on an unpopular time-slot.

I know it's minor compared to everything else I'm going through, but my air conditioner just died. I feel so beaten up by life. I never have good birthdays. Oh, and H and I had a fight tonight too.

Willowtigger is the forum pest

Forum pest control be coming out cause of her

I'm sorry, Scarlet. I think you live in an area where it would be hot right now, so that would likely make you miserable. I hope it can get fixed soon! I'm sorry about the fight with your H, too.

And I feel weird saying this in light of what you said, but happy belated birthday! And hugs.

Hugs, QM, that sounds very difficult with your T. I hope session this week helps you to work through what happened with the trigger.

Pretty much everybody on here is annoying in some way. Me for being too beautiful, for example. We are all just using the forum as a device to learn how to play nice with others. How to take turns, stuff like that, that maybe we did not learn in kindergarten as some people do.

I worry about you.

I feel pretty good today, even though it is a Monday. I volunteered like 22 hours last week at my Church but it went well. My niece and nephew went home yesterday and I took a 4 hour nap in the afternoon after Church. I needed the sleep. I'm not too anxious this morning and I feel pretty good anxiety-wise even though I had a large coffee. My T checked on me this weekend and we will have a session tomorrow.

I'm so grateful you have some downtime, Kit.
You've earned it, even though you don't have to.
I'm glad you are feeling less anxious today.

HUGS

I told my T today that if she started a cult, I could probably be convinced to join. Then I clarified that it would have to be one of those cults that wants all your money, not the weird sex kind.

Had a pretty intense discussion with Dr. T today about the therapeutic relationship and some related stuff. He shared some impressions of me, like from things I've said to him, etc., that I think might have really upset me even as recently as a year ago. But today I found those reactions to be helpful. I was actually saying things like, "I want you to explain how it was making you feel, what it was like for you." I think that's some sort of growth? It felt like a very honest discussion on both of our parts. And he was being particularly empathetic and also like he was genuinely trying to understand why I was upset about some things and what might possibly help me with them.

I'm feeling OK about it now. Though, as he put it at the end of session, I wonder if a therapy grenade will go off later? He said if it did, I was welcome to email.

Oh, and Dr. T fashion report: cream-colored button down top that may have been linen (or was just wrinkly?) and blue shorts with some sort of pattern that were quite short when he sat down. Like there was a considerable amount of thigh showing. I just did my best to avert my eyes. (Usually his shorts are to his knees.) Oh, and dark tennis shoes with socks.

Me, I’m too smart for my own good.

To wit: asked the grief counselor, Baby Face, if she thought I was doing okay. Classic mistake, never ask a question you don’t know the answer to. Looooong pause while she looked thoughtful, looked all around, bit her lip, hmmmed. I guess I am failing grief.

I would totally want the weird sex kind.

Really want to talk to my T today. I think I just miss her though. I talk to her tomorrow.

Ugh. I think it is that I am *wanting* my T--that is annoying me. I don't want to want her. But I do.

Well, I texted T and told her that I was wanting her today. Wanting to talk to her and to receive her specific form of comfort. I explained that I was annoyed by my want (and what is it about wants that is bad?!!) but that I was looking forward to talking with her tomorrow and that thought was comforting me.

Sometimes I worry that I share too much with her but other times it feels like I cannot help myself.

Thanks LT! I'm coming around to just accepting it's my birthday. And you're not late! It's actually today. The big 40.

Warmest birthday wishes to you, Scarlet.
I hope you are able to find some pockets of peace in your day.

Happiest birthday wishes, Scarlet. I hope that you are blessed with moments of joy today and throughout this year. HUGS Kit

Had a small argument with my parents last night but everything seems to be OK now.