Couch 238: Appreciating Small Progress Couch

I'm glad your session went well. It's OK that you couldn't talk about the anxiety. Maybe at some point you'll be able to? Or maybe not, and you can just focus on other things. Did she talk at all about the outside contact and email?

I need help. I want to go to the hospital, but I can't afford the $400 copay. And I can't call a crisis line because H will listen in. And I think L took off early today for a family emergency. I'm all alone, suffering.

There are crisis lines you can text if that might help at all? Here's one
"Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor"

Thanks! I just tried it. I told her all that was going on and was honest about the SI. She asked how she could support me. I said I don't know. That L normally empathizes, reassures, and mirrors. She gave me 3 options: coping skills (which I already know), vent (which I kind of already did), or resources. I chose resources and quickly got off the chat. If those were my only 3 options...she was of no help.

I'm taking an anxiety pill tonight. I can't deal with this.

Oh, and can you all guess what H wants to do? Sell his Tesla (3rd time), and buy another (cheaper, but new) car. It would reduce our monthly, but we might still owe a down-payment. Not to mention taxes, licenses, and registration.

Is it ever going to stop?

Thanks LT. I feel like a wimp, but oh well. No she didn't bring up the email or anything. I might get brave and email her this weekend about it.
Aww, Scarlet. Keep posting here if it helps. I wish you were able to go to the hospital

Also, sorry that your H wants to sell his car, again.

Isnt infinitesimal just really really tiny?

You know, I think you're right, actually! Let's go with infinite.

I didnt want that to get stuck in your head the wrong way. That would be an enormity, given your occupation. Actually, i just didnt want it to become another "enormity"

Hopefully they will not retract my English degree! Shhhh...

I made it to talk to L. I needed that so much. She said she's proud of me and that I've built trust with her. The Ativan also worked calming me down last night. I can still feel my feelings, but they're not screaming at me.

I can't wait for Monday's phone call and Tuesday's session. But I feel better today especially knowing she's there.

I think P must be done with me. It's so hard to summarize what's going on in just a few sentences. For starters, I'm really struggling lately. We had a somewhat difficult session yesterday during which I felt the need to leave the room to take a break for a few minutes because I'm feeling some stuff very strongly right now.

We had a conversation within the last two weeks or so about him not following up on things. It came up one session that I had done something that was really risky in light of my recent health issues and that I had done it because it felt risky. He didn't bring it up again after that session and I felt like he didn't care. We had a session where I spilled a bunch of stuff that was bothering me and that I didn't really feel comfortable telling him about including his lack of follow through, some emails he didn't respond to, and the pain that my desire for him to be a real friend and not just my therapist was causing me.

On Monday, at the end of session, he asked me if I was having any suicidal thoughts and I said sometimes, which was kind of downplaying it. I thought after the above conversation he would bring it up again on Wednesday. He didn't. I was already feeling like the people in my life didn't care because of the whole fire anniversary thing. When he didn't ask me about suicidal thoughts, it just felt like does anyone care about me at all. Does it even matter that I have these thoughts right now? Does he just not take it seriously? I know people, including him, do care, but sometimes it just feels lacking. Or maybe I'm just being ridiculously needy right now.

So at the end of Friday's session, I made a comment that I didn't feel very okay lately. He asked if I was going to be okay this weekend. I didn't know how to answer because I didn't want to come off as manipulative or something if I said no. As I was leaving he said to reach out if I needed to. A couple of hours later I sent him an email about how it felt like people didn't care, including him, and telling him that I was feeling hurt because he still didn't follow up with me about feeling suicidal even though we'd just recently had a conversation about that very thing. I realize I should have just told him that in session, but I couldn't. I really thought he would respond to my email. He hasn't.

I feel like he's just done with me right now. I feel like there's nothing I can do. If I email him again expressing my displeasure at his non-response, I'm even more of a pain in the ***. But I also feel like if he doesn't respond to me, I don't want to go back. I hate this.

Hugs, NP, I'm really sorry you're dealing with all of that with P. I'd be really hurt by that, too.

Trigger warning, SUI/SH



It could be that P trusts you to reach out to him if you're feeling bad enough (though he should know you well enough to realize you might not be completely open about it--especially with a somewhat loaded question like "Can you be safe this weekend?" (as it probably felt like you had to say "yes"). However, you did that, and then he hasn't responded. He really should have followed up with you in session, and he definitely should reply to your email (does he usually reply on weekends?)

I think this is about him, not about you. Like there's stuff going on with him, maybe with his potential career change. That doesn't excuse it though. You deserve his care and support. In fact, he knows that this is a difficult time for you because of the anniversary, so it seems he should be giving you additional support.

I really hope you hear back from him soon. And, even more, I hope you feel better. Please keep posting here if it helps. We care about and support you.

I had an early birthday lunch with my family. My mom surprised me by bringing my aunt. I haven't seen my aunt in 25+ years, so it was really nice getting to see her and be with her. And my sister did make it too. It was actually a good lunch. I needed it. I desperately need all the good things I can get right now.

Nah, you know how to use apostrophes.

Although we should have a conversation sometime about your use of ellipses...

Thanks for responding. I've been feeling terribly alone lately and it helps when someone interacts with you. I ended up sending him an email asking him to respond so I wouldn't have to sit here wondering if he was done with me. He did respond and he's not giving up on me. He said he didn't have time to write a thoughtful response but he's been worried I was giving up on him/therapy lately. I don't know why, but his response left me with this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe because he explained why he hadn't read my email yet by explaining what he had been doing today and that he was going out to dinner with a friend. I think that just made me feel really lonely. Then he signed off with "See you on Monday" which kind of felt like "don't bother me again". God, I am insufferable. I am apparently unable to be satisfied with anything right now.

Hey Scarlet, write away. This imperfect place is the only place I have when it comes to some kinds of support.

I do have an ellipses problem....

NP, that sounds so hard and I'm really sorry you're going through it. I do think P is having some issues on his life, like burnout or feeling anxious about his ability as a therapist or the effects of whatever is causing his career change in the first place. I absolutely don't think it's your fault or that you are somehow a problem. I recognize a lot of what you're saying as what my brain does to me too when trauma stuff is really activated,. And it makes a lot of sense for that to be happening right now given the anniversary and everything you've been dealing with in terms of your health and feeling alone. I hope things start to feel more stable and even just a tiny bit more hopeful soon.

I have a parentheses problem (only sometimes, though).

Ugh, I was supposed to meet with Dr. T in person today (schedule is weird because he's off Friday), and he texted a bit ago saying he had to change to virtual. We just had the discussion Friday about how I was concerned about his health and things due to his various days off, having to do virtual a few days next week, etc. I hope he at least gives some sort of reason for it (I mean, if it's like his car won't start, just tell me!) If he doesn't, well, it could be a good jumping-off point for a discussion I had with R while he was out, how for me, going back to childhood, secrets = bad. In other words, if someone is being secretive about a thing, it's presumably a bad thing (which more recently reinforced by the stuff with ex-MC's wife).

I do appreciate that he was compassionate in the wording of his text to me: "[Lonesome] - I apologize for the late change but I will not be able to make it into the office this morning and will need to see you over zoom. Sorry for that, I know the change is hard for you, particularly at the last minute."

But it kinda sucks because I went to a concert last night that I really enjoyed, so I was feeling happy about that. So I kind of wanted to talk about what some of that brought up in me, feeling particularly connected to the crowd there, felt very "in the moment" like we'd been talking about, stuff with a couple songs maybe, etc. But now I feel like I'm just going to sign into Zoom and start crying. I guess I can still choose to talk about that (not sure if I can control the crying though).

Oh, I'm sorry, LT. I sincerely despise those last-minute messages from my therapist. It's never "Just wanted to let you know I'm looking forward to a great session!"

That's a really excellent insight from R! I think it's more likely that Dr. T is disrupting his schedule for something good (kitchen remodel or finishing his basement, for example), but the secretive nature is throwing your imagination into overdrive. It would be helpful for you specifically if he could find way to tell you the truth that still feels comfortably boundaried for him. (Occasionally my T will delivery a cryptic statement that she has clearly crafted ahead of time, like, "Everybody is fine, but I need to go out of state to deal with a family issue," or whatever.)

So sorry you're going through this, LT.

That would drive me up the wall too. I hope he's able to tell you something about the change. I've experienced the very 2020s phenomenon of logging into a virtual therapy session and dissolving too...so I can empathise with you.

I hope you manage to have a half-decent session.

Ugh, I don't like last minute messages too. The clinic staff messages me, since my T sees client's back to back, or with just a very short gap to use the bathroom, or refill her insulated water bottle.

My T forgot to tell me we'll have 1 session then a 2 week gap till our next session. Glad I emailed because a phrase she used last session triggered me, so she notified me about her upcoming break in her reply.

Thanks, EM. And good point that it's not like he'd text to say, "Looking forward to seeing you!" So as soon as I saw a text from him, it was like, "oh, no." It's better than canceling entirely, but I thought maybe he was just going to ask for a time change or something.

Assuming he doesn't tell me right off (I mean, maybe he's been exposed to Covid but didn't want to text it, say), I might ask if he could give me some sense that fits within his boundaries. Even just whether it's a one-off vs. recurring thing. Or about him or someone else, say. Or person vs. thing (like a car issue, though I don't know why he'd feel that's a boundary).

I think the example of how your T explained it is good. Not going into details, but reassuring you that all is fine. Maybe if I gave him that example, it would help him come up with something? (I mean...assuming it's not a case where everything *isn't* fine....But I'd think if it was that bad, he'd have just cancelled entirely.)

Thanks, Lost, I appreciate it. And that is a very 2020s phenomenon. It's not the same as dissolving in tears in his office, either.