Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

And that's a first, I just went to send you something and was filled with this massive overwhelming sense of dread. The amazing thing? I felt it. I took notice of it. I stopped to listen to it and now I am putting it to one side. I will not send it and I will see how I feel about doing so later. Love you so much.

It would have saved us both a lot of time if you were just honest with me instead of...this. I should've known you didn't really care after the first rupture years ago. I'm so stupid to have believed you wanted to fix it.

Dear T,
Were you wiping a tear at one point?

And I really think you hit on something with the "are you wondering whether you're lovable" thing.

Thanks for saying the words "It's OK" and seeming to mean it when I said I think that's really all I need to hear. Also for saying that it's OK to email. Don't think I will, but the day is fairly young. Plus there's tomorrow. Part of me wanted to ask if you had any openings tomorrow, just to know, but then I think I'd rather be able to see you in person when I get back than virtual tomorrow.

Love,
LT

One more sleep.

See you in the morning.

Thanks for the email.

Yesterday you were drinking the same thing you were drinking last week. I didn't want to ask last week and seem nosy in case it was medicine or something but I was curious so I asked and mentioned that it looked good. You told me and said "its zero calories." You also mentioned you have been drinking a ton of it. I'm not sure mentioning that it was zero calories was the best thing to tell your food restricting client though. My mom said she likes how you say fat is not a feeling though.

Dewd - IKWYM - one of my t's told me about Nutella. I was like, what is wrong with you?

Thanks for today.

The way you characterised my closing my eyes as 'thinking and feeling' makes a lot of sense to me.

After all, that's mostly when I tend to reach over....when I'm in it and feeling overwhelmed.

Also appreciate your understanding of why I shared specifics around Steve's death with Alan.

Feeling grateful that I'll see you on Tuesday.

I'm not trying to be rude, so I am sorry if I come across as dismissive, but what is wrong with Nutella?

Nothing! Thats the problem! I was like, why are you telling a fat person who got this way WITHOUT nutella, to try nutella?! Its like the same/opposite of your zero sugar drink. Why was he putting MORE temptation in my way? Do i NEED more sugar and chocolate? Noooo!

I should have explained it better, i did kinda think i was unclear. Sorry. You were not rude at all.

One time years ago my son convinced me to buy a 2-jar package of Nutella. He loved the stuff back then. I wonder if he still buys it?

The only safe way to eat it is with a potato masher. Like those trick plates they have for dogs where they have to dig into all the nooks and crannies.

this made me laugh!! thank you!

Dear T: I guess I’m not quitting, as I spent an hour crying in your office. It’s bad.

Dear E: Please help me tonight.

Four more sleeps...

I mean, of course after you told me about it I figured I'd try it out. So thanks for the tip you probably didn't realize you were giving me.

I like that you are so concerned about me though and aren't pushing me to do stuff the way some other therapists would do.

I barely thought of my transference T today. I don't even remember if we drove by her office. Yeah I felt that slight twinge that went away quickly. But its getting harder and harder to remember things. I do go whole days now without thinking about her.

How am I meant to get through another 5 days? I feel like I’m suffocating

Hmm I should'nt have cancelled. Ah well.

Dear K,

Thank you, for remembering and for reaching out. It means an awful lot. It was much later in the day, and I actually thought you had forgotten/weren't going to, and interestingly enough I was ok with that... Not that I didn't really want you to, but I think I feel much more secure in the 'relationship' now.

I have 2 more sessions left with you. I had to look at the schedule because I couldn't remember how many I had left. I guess I feel ok. I'm pretty fixated on getting my physical health under control right now. I haven't given much thought to ending therapy.

Hi C, I could use some help today with applying that one thing to a situation at work this morning but I don't think you'd respond to a message on the app on a Sunday. I think you said you work weekdays only. I noticed the thought that's the easiest part, but checking it only goes so far like I can tell myself what's logical, but my brain will not be stopped from catastrophizing regardless. Sometimes I really hate my brain. Now I'm going to be second-guessing myself on every freaking thing the rest of the day. Ugh. I'm a little bummed that we have only 1 more call. Oh well.

L, I hate this feeling of neediness. For C, and now for you again too... why do I need so much? I mean why am I so needy? You'd think by 60 I'd be able to take care of myself. I do wish I felt like I could talk to you though.

Signed, Artie McNeedypants

Sorry about the food issues. It hasn't been on purpose these past few days. I'm still dealing with physical stuff and today I couldn't get to the store until later in the day to get what I needed. You can't see me anyways with the telesessions and I'm not sure how much you really care or are focused right now anyways.

I am playing a really stupid game in my head right now... that when I accomplish x, I can allow myself to call you. It's stupid because I know I won't, yet at the same time it's somehow helpful. Man, I am weird.

Oh dear, well that was a disaster... I'm never coming at this time of day again.

Dear T,
My friend helped me piece together a few things from today's session. I think we've hit on something (between your insight, hers, and mine). Part of me wants to email and be like, "oh! oh! I've got it!" but I will just wait until we meet Wednesday.

Gonna type it here though: What I was trying to say about your being OK with my crying--it's that you can tolerate it (her words). My mom (and dad) could not (and still cannot)--same with D's emotions. H seems to have trouble with tolerating it/me at times, too. Ex-MC, he comforted me and normalized those emotions in many ways. So it felt nurturing. I craved that. And I look for that from you at times, I think, even knowing you aren't likely to give true comfort, just validation. But I think tolerance and validation are really what I need. And this ties into my fear of being a burden, of being "too much" for you (or for anyone).

And, hm, maybe there's more paternal (maternal?) transference going on with you than I'd realized.... Might not mention *that* part to you!

Love,
LT