Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear T, I think you will be proud of me that since our last session on December 8th my mood has been more up then down. I also notice that im able to use other supports to get me through. It's been tough. I hope to hear from you soon. I really missed you yesterday.

Dear T,

Well, wow, I wonder if you felt about today's session what I felt. Like how on earth did we do that!?!? How on earth did I do that. Seriously, that is testament to the work that I did with K that I could sit there in front of you and say that I wished I had felt loved. That I wished that something or someone could have made the pain go away. I have unearthed, sorted through, worked over, felt and processed so much from that time in my life, but we never ever got to the root cause of it all. We didn't go deep enough.

I felt more connected to you today than I have felt in a whole year of working, and I wonder if you felt that too. As soon as I sat down I realised that I was looking right ahead, (for anyone reading we sit side by side so I can pretend she can't see me!) and I could even see your leg. And it felt ok. It felt good, though saying that feels wrong, so I imagine there is still some work to do there, for me.

And to openly talk about that teenage period of my life, I shocked myself. Truly.

I am so grateful that you managed to get the second sessions sorted - it really does make a massive difference as I don't feel like I have to start from scratch with the safety thing every single time. It feels like I can just come in, sit down, and get to work. And work it honestly is. It's tough, but it really feels like we are starting to make some serious progress here. I wonder if you can see that too. I wonder if, deep down, you ever thought we would get there. I know you would tell me you did, even if you didn't, because you have to give me hope, but I wonder if you actually truly believed it.

I didn't.

I would say I still don't, but the evidence outweighs my internal beliefs, and who can argue with that, right?

Thank you, sincerely. I really appreciate everything that you have done, and continue to do, to help me uncover and integrate these buried parts.

I've been missing my transference therapist like crazy. But only in my sleep. Its been weird. I get these intense feelings for her but I am like 95% asleep. When I wake up I am ok. Its like some weird sleep hallucination or something.

Dear T,
Seriously, a demilitarized zone was the best analogy you could come up with for that??? I mostly feel OK about the discussion as a whole, but seriously???

Glad we got to see the hawk together at the end. And that I'm finally done with those awful boxes of tissues!

Love,
LT

Dear K,

Something made me think of your words today - "I look forward to reading your book". I felt compelled tonight to open it up again, on my computer. To revisit it. Maybe it's the full moon. I have written so much, and yet there is still so much more to be written. For some reason I haven't been able to write any more after the bit where you sent me an email to say that our work had to come to an end, and looking at it again tonight, I feel that same sense of stuckness with that, but for the first time in a year, I feel that maybe I could push through the stuckness to actually putting pen to paper, so to speak.

I wonder if I will ever finish it. I wonder if I will ever show it to you. I wonder if I will ever do anything with it. If I do, it needs a LOT of refinement! But it has been interesting to read it again, or bits of it at least. I really have come an awfully long way, haven't I. I hope that you are proud of the work that we did together. I hope that you know how much it helped me to change my life.

Dear T,

A part of me wants to let you read what has been written so far.... I wonder if I will.

Yesterday hit me hard. I did not anticipate the visceral reaction I had to the 'anniversary' of Steve's unreleased book.


As soon as I remembered, it hurt like hell.

Dear T,
I hope you understand and, if you reply, you're kind and supportive. If you opt to just say "confirming receipt, let's talk Monday," that's fine, too.
Love,
LT

Thanks for the random Saturday email. It was nice of you to reply and you were reassuring about the job situation. I don't think my main focus in our next session needs to be about food though.

But I had that dream again about my transfernce T. This is the second night in a row I've dreamt of her. I really wish I could just let go. Maybe its because the 2 year anniversary is coming up. But leaving her was the second hardest thing after my Grandmas death in 2006. I am just still not right after what happened between us.

Dear T,

I'm proud of myself. I hope you'll be proud too! I did what you suggested... Looked for an opportunity to practice my sharing and took it. And it was actually better than I thought it would be. It is hard when R doesn't really support it though. So I had a chocolate orange left over from Christmas. I LOVE chocolate orange, but I was in work tonight and thought it might be a nice gesture to take it in and practice sharing things. And then I didn't want to. I wanted to keep it and eat it all myself. And then I thought maybe I could take it in and give them say four pieces each, but then I remembered that that isn't 'free', is it. That is preplanned, restrictive and what I said I want to try and change. So I went back to thinking I would take it in and just put it on the desk for us all to share, randomly. I'm trying to remember if I've ever done anything like that before, and I'm not sure I have. I've definitely given people things in the past, but not like this, just open for them to take as they want to.

Oooh, is it all tied in I wonder? I do think it is, but hadn't looked at it that way before. Opening myself up for people to just take, in a way. Maybe that's why I have to be so guarded with everything. Because people have taken way too much before...

Anyway, R wasn't massively onboard. He said I should share with him. But then he never buys things or has things to share back, and we are VERY strict with everything we buy for us both. Fair is fair and we each have half. But the guys at work always bring things in and I never really reciprocate, so I wanted to, especially with who I was on with tonight, they are good guys.

So, long story short, in the end I took the orange in, cracked it open and we shared it between us. Properly, freely, shared. I did not keep count of who had what, and I even left the last piece for someone else to have! I'm amazed actually. It seems silly as I imagine this isn't something most people struggle with, but I do, and at least I have acknowledged it as something I would like to work on. And I did. So I'm proud.

Dear T,
Please be kind and caring in the response you said you're sending tomorrow morning. I'm nervous. As an editor, I'm now looking at my email to you thinking of places where I could have worded it better. I hope you understand what I was trying to explain. And are empathetic in response. Not defensive. (If you're going to be defensive, don't bother emailing.)

Love,
LT

Dear T and E:

I really hope I didn't give you the stomach bug that started today. I should have stayed away, knowing I always catch them when they happen at school.

Four more sleeps...
I don't know why I've noticed this eighteen month marker more than any other loss.
I feel like I need to cry, but I can't seem to get there.

I had that same dream again. At the same time of night. After 3 nights now it just kinda is what it is. I think I am using my working out to deal with these emotions. I worked out yesterday when the thoughts about her got to be too much. I was fine afterwards and the thoughts were gone. Today I worked out and I'm not thinking about her. Theres way worse things you can do then use working out as a coping skill to deal with your emotions.

Well, we should probably talk about that dream/nightmare!

Dear T,
Did you forget? Did something else in your life come up? Or maybe you aren't seeing clients till later today.

Love,
LT

ETA: Thanks for texting to let me know. Maybe I should have just told you not to write anything, though I gave you that as an option, so maybe it's better if you take it?

Are you responding to my post above yours?

Hey, L.

Just, hey. I hope you're well.

No, my own nightmares.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Dear T.

I am frustrated you keep scheduling me "as needed". I think it is time I move on

Dear T,
Was that some sort of subconscious (or conscious?) avoidance on your part in not being able to reply to the email either time you said you would? I understand you may have been busy, but I offered the out with "We can just talk about it Monday." You still seemed like you were intending to reply. But I'm also thinking of the other couple times you didn't reply to an email (not counting the time you accidentally deleted one), and those were times where you were either unhappy and/or confused about what I wrote. So I think it's natural to wonder if that's the case here. But then, you were in communication with me about this one, whereas the other times it was radio silence. So maybe it was literally that you were unexpectedly busy?

But then also asking to change the time and *saying* it was to accommodate another client, not "It will work better for my schedule." Was that intentional?

I guess I"m just trying to get a feeling for what I'll be walking into today. Are you bothered by the email? Understanding? Sympathetic? Even if you'd said, "I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and explaining more. I'm pretty busy today, so can we just talk about this Monday?" Or "I think it's better if we just talk about this in person"--that would have felt different. But I know it's not about what I want you to do.

I just need to focus on sharing my truth and my experience and feelings today. Not on what I wish you'd have done or said. Or what I wish you *would* say, like a true apology.

Love,
LT

Sorry for acting complelety wasted today. I was sleep deprived, and running on canned tuna and black coffee and I was dehydrated on purpose. Thanks for being so calm about everything instead of sending me IP the way my transference T would have.

Dear T,
I still need to fully process that session. I'm glad you explained more, even if some of it hurt a bit. But I think we clearly need to talk about the pandemic more (like the first 18 months-2 years of it, the virtual part) and its effect on our relationship. I'm wondering if maybe some of this is I felt closer to you then and am now feeling more distance (despite now being in person and physically being closer).
Love,
LT

why can't I leave H? I am SO FED UP with his ********. He's a ****ing hypochondriac extraordinaire about every.****ing.scratch, but he won't call the doctor for himself, I suppose he's waiting for me to do it, he won't heat up his own ****ing FOOD, I am taking calls for work and can't just get up from my desk every 5 ****ing minutes to do his ****ing bidding. I AM SICK TO DEATH of it BUT WHY CAN'T I JUST TELL HIM I'M OUT OF HERE AND LEAVE? WHY AM I SO AFRAID OF STARTING OVER AT 60? I CANNOT DO THIS WITH HIM ANYMORE!!!! I ****ING WANT OUT SO ****ING BAD! **** **** ****!

I was really happy that I saw you today at the coffee shop. I am so glad we have a office to meet in now. I have allot to talk about on Thursday and glad you are seeing me next week too as I might need to just process the holidays and everything thats been happening.

I am so glad we are meeting again. There where a few days I felt abandon again during the holidays.