Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably. But guilt is for something you do, and shame is for something you are.

Thanks Una... But how about it being not necessarily for something that you are, but something that others perceive you as, or treat you as? Leading to you feeling shame when you 'shouldn't' .......

That's the change here. Rather than holding the shame maybe I can release it, because it doesn't actually belong to me. Mind blown. It's not even a feeling I really realised I had until last week, and now I'm considering the possibility of being able to release it!

I would classify that as negative introject. My mother wouldnt let me take autoshop in high school, just saying something about being one of "them". I guess now that she meant a lesbian, but wth. I knew she was panicking, but had really no idea what about. So that messed up my relationships.

Man i soooo want a do-over. But that wasnt even a concept in my childhood Say something once and you are doomed!

I really relate to so many of your posts. Its like finding an author who writes same as like you think.

I was very hurt in group therapy when I brought up corporal punishment and someone else in the group I felt like you took her side when you said that corporal punishment is controversial (like politics and religion) and I shouldn't bring it up in a therapy group. What's the point of therapy where you can't talk about your problems? I know you tried to apologize the next day, but the group is no longer safe for me.

Trouble is, I really liked you and the rest of the group before this. I'm hurt and disappointed.

C, can you believe we've got only 2 weeks left on this current 8 weeks? Yeesh how fast time goes by. Can you handle me for another 8 weeks? I think I'd like to continue again.

L, I've known this song a lot longer than I've known you of course, but... damn if it doesn't make me think about you now. I know we aren't friends and never were and can never be; but this song still reminds me of the peace in the space between us. In the before, of course.

I miss us.



"And it seems we really said the most when we didn't talk at all"

I'm not looking forward to starting with a new therapist but especially not with my first appointment being in person at 3:45PM in December. I don't know why I'm not freaking out over it more. You leaving or what the new one will be like. Maybe because I know you'll be back. Or I've been screwed over so many times what does adding another person really mean. I'm not sure. We only have 2 more sessions left and I'm honestly more focused on the holidays and upcoming trips and my family. Maybe I'll feel more once we officially end. I have to say I've never been able to be so honest with anyone about my eating habits except with you.

I dreamed about you last night, it was nice to at least 'see' you that way. even though it was kind of a weird dream.

Hi R,

My meeting with the Canon Chancellor is this afternoon.
I'm feeling quite nervous about it, because I don't know what to expect.
I hoped that we would have a chance to talk about how I'd explain who Steve was to me (past tense burns) but we didn't, so I have to wing it.

I'll tell you more about it on Thursday.

Take care,

Lost

Dear K,

Wow. That was a rabbit hole I hadn't expected to go down, and I don't even remember what led me down it now. I have just been reading through all of our emails and messages from when you ended our work together until today. Oh K, what a journey...

I tried that decaf coffee you always tell me about. I realized its the stuff I had to drink after my hysterectomy when I was super constipated from my pain meds yet had to be really careful because of the particular type of surgery so my aunt suggested coffee. It grossed me out today just as much as it did then. Plus the fact I decided to try it partially because I'm under the weather today, brought back memories.

Idk. Maybe thats why you drink it.

Thinking of you L, as always.

What was with that phoned in 3 sentence email you just sent? Are you already done despite the fact we have a couple more sessions left?

Dear T,
I hope you genuinely are OK with all that and stay OK with it. I feel this weird mix of being relieved I talked about it and being anxious that you're going to be weird, and it will be harder to tell Wednesday because it will be virtual. I mean, it's because of my travel that it's virtual, not because of you, but I just mean I might not be able to get the same read from you, like only partial body language. But maybe in some weird way that's better? I don't know. I won't have to wonder why you're sitting with your leg that way or that you're leaning back to be further away from me.

More concerned about being alone with my thoughts on the drive there and tomorrow night. I imagine you'll be expecting some sort of email.

Just wish I'd had a few more minutes to explain that last part, though you did seem to get what I was saying. I just thought of another couple sentences that would further explain it. But I can share those Wednesday, maybe.

Love,
LT

Three more sleeps...

Despite last week's good news and the new challenge to get involved in, it's been a really crappy few days on the home front and I'm struggling. We need to revisit the pink elephant topic (again) this week. Sorry.
I know you said we could talk about it whenever needed. I'm taking you at your word. Please don't let me down.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Dear T: I have never contemplated quitting so much in the 7 years we've been together. Is this a sign we should be done?

Dear T,
Thanks for the email reply, particularly the smiley.
Love,
LT

Dear T,

Thank you. Not for messing up, that was bad. What were you thinking. But for acknowledging your poor timing and seeing where your words were 'misplaced'. And for helping me to see that we can start again. So yeah, thank you.

Oh, and what's with the tears? That's three sessions in a row. I don't mind, as such, but it's just a bit strange!

Oh, and I remember where I was going with my thread before you said that and it got cut off... I was trying to tell you that I had realised that maybe I didn't need to feel ashamed of being like that anymore. Having linked the feelings with the word and emotion, and seen that other people's actions and words can 'trigger' that response, I don't necessarily need to feel 'ashamed' of the feelings. Because, again, I didn't do anything to make them happen. They just did. It's been a bit of a whirlwind week this week, learning/starting to see about this. I just wish you could have let me continue without jumping in with what you jumped in with. But yeah, it's all still part of the process.

And PPS, I'm exhausted....

E: I wonder if you are right about the emotional flashback thing right now. I don’t know. I’m going to try hard and not write you the rest of the week, even if I am choosing unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I kindsa wanna tell you about this book I'm reading right now. It's pretty awesome I think, and is helping me a lot already. I've also started using the Samsung Health app on my phone, utilizing all of the features. I really need to keep this up so I can get healthy!!

That was probably the worst session we've had for a while. It didn't seem as though you were present with me and how I was feeling.

Towards the end you asked if there was anything else I wanted to explore re the 'pink elephant' but it was too late in the session by then and I felt like you just wanted to end the call.

*****! I really needed to try and talk this through with you. I even said I'd come close to phoning you over the weekend (I didn't because it was late, and I never would have phoned you late....or otherwise....) and all you could say was that 'it would have crossed boundaries,' but if I felt like that again we should have an extra session and talk about it then. Ffs! All I needed was for you to be really present with me today. Was that so difficult to do?

It was only 2 weeks ago that we had a relatively 'good' session, the first in about 6 weeks. We have 3 sessions left in this batch, but I really don't feel like I can start again with someone else.

You probably know me better than previous counsellors, more about me than I would want to try again to disclose to someone else, so I feel kind of 'stuck with you'...

I wish I knew what to do.
I wish I had someone to talk all this over with.
I wish I had some support other than you.

Dear K,

Thinking of you a lot today as it is one year since we last saw each other. One whole year. One whole complete change of seasons. One whole year of learning to live without your guidance. One whole year of trying and failing to let go.

I'm so grateful that you didn't just cut me off. I'm so grateful that you seem to have got back on a more even footing.

I will write, soon, as I have some big news to share with you, and I will, in that letter, begin to ask you to think about what the future holds for us. It's time, I think. One year on.