Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I forget to eat when I'm busy and running errands. Then half the day has gone by and I realize I'm really low on calories. I worry about work and being even more busy and stressed and the problem getting even worse. We really need to discuss the food issue and not focus on games and music. Maybe I need to come in wearing a T shirt instead of a hoodie so you can see for yourself what I look like when I'm not wearing baggy clothes.

Two more sleeps until Steve's birthday.
Many more sleeps until we next speak.

'Know that you will be OK.'

It's hard.

Today it has been one full year since our last session.

I've had so many thoughts and feelings about ending since I walked out your door for the last time! Only recently have I begun to really understand a few things... the biggest of which is that you were never equipped to properly work with the depth of my attachment to you, and so that led me to stay a whole lot longer than I ever should have. At the same time though, I remain grateful to you because we still managed to do a whole lot of good work woven in and around all the attachment bs. I learned a lot about working with my dreams, found the courage to start writing again (and I do consider it courage because of the subject matter at the beginning), etc.

Oh, I'm not saying I don't still have work to do because of course I do... but I'm handling pretty much everything in life so much better than I used to that's for sure. And you know what else - the more time that goes by since our last session, the more confidence I have been feeling in myself. I guess that is what I was suspecting a year ago when I said that I felt like I wouldn't be able to take the next step toward my psychological growth until I left. So yeah, that's what that was all about; my growing confidence to deal with life. Especially since I did those 2 8-week CBT things through my insurance - that through actually leaving therapy when I knew deep down inside that it was past time, I found enough faith in myself to even TRY something new/different - I really feel like completing all of the self-challenges in those 16 weeks helped my self-confidence grow even more.

The absolute hugest thing that has happened in the past year? I hardly ever call myself stupid anymore. And that feels good. Well, it still slips out on rare occasions, but honestly, it used to be pretty much a daily occurrence... so I'll take it!

I hope that you are well.

I thought of my transference T the other night and I was like "damn..." and I got that achy feeling in my chest again. But it passed quickly.

I anticipate each therapy session with this new one. But I'm not sure why to be honest.

Dear K,

I made you a wreath at garden therapy this week. I think you'll like it, and I bought you a book too, which I also think you'll like, and hope you don't already have. I even got it signed by the authors addressed to you.

I plan on dropping them on your doorstep this week, so kind of hoping you are out like the last time!!

Dear T,

I am not looking forward to having to talk about our Thursday sessions with you this week. I just can't figure out what happened! I know you have said that you do sometimes mess up with scheduling, but to just forget that we agreed to meet on Tuesdays and Thursdays isn't very good at all.

There's no question that Steve's death has left me seeking some form of solace. One of the ways in which I'm able to find measures of that is through the online services that my local cathedral offers.

I wasn't expecting Alan to be leading prayers today, but that was a nice surprise.

Steve's birthday tomorrow, and I am bracing, but I also kind of feel ready to face whatever it may bring.

Thanks for the beautiful Christmas card.
I saved it to open today, because I knew I would appreciate it more.

Dear T,

I'm still totally confused about this. About how I feel. A part of me wants to say 'screw it, I'm not coming back', and another part wants to just accept it for what it is and try and make once a week work. Problem is, it wasn't working before, that's why we went to twice a week, and now you have, for some unknown reason, decided to take on another client in my place.

I tried writing you a letter, but it didn't really work. Maybe I will just show you the above tomorrow. Short and to the point.

I'm annoyed. With you. Which is not how I want to feel.

Dear T,
I'm not totally sure how to feel about that session. We turned it around because I spoke up about feeling judged on my parenting. And you got much more compassionate. You said how you need to push me on things like this. But I think my comment on maybe needing to deal with the emotional component of stuff with D is accurate. You said that you think they don't have to be exclusive, that I can work on both at once. But I'm not sure it entirely works that way for me.

Also, when I said I wasn't sure I felt totally secure on things in the therapy room, I was trying to say I'm not ready for you to be pushing me on topics right now. That Friday felt OK, good even, and things do generally seem OK between us. But I'm not at the point of entirely trusting you right now, or maybe even at like 75% trusting you. I didn't say that in the moment, but maybe I need to on Wednesday. I may still need you to be more gentle for a bit.

I guess when I said before that I wanted to talk about D, I didn't quite mean in this way. It felt like you went into "fix it" mode, when I'm still trying to process everything going on with her right now and how to deal with it emotionally before switching to "How do we fix it?" I guess that's an easier mode for you to be in. But I'm glad you were able to shift to compassion mode. The week before Christmas, which is a stressful time for me, isn't the week to figure out how to solve things with D. Right now, I need to get through.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
And now she hit more kids today, so maybe you're right.
Love,
LT

I said I ate a box of koala cookies before our session because I felt like I needed carbs and you said "great job!" Lady, I am not a 3 year old.

Also I was so close to throwing up all over your floor I almost had to leave. The playdoh you handed me at the start of the session, again not a 3 year old, actually did a good job at distracting me.

Sometimes, I love my brain. Sometimes, I hate my brain. Today is one of the times I hate my brain. I don't think I'm going to be able to talk to you about this. F***. Every time I try to work it all through in my head I just go round and round and round in circles. I looked at my calendar and realised we have been doing Thursdays since the beginning of October. But then when I looked closer, I see that we have only had six Thursdays in three months. That's not a whole load. But then, we agreed on two a month, and that's two a month. And I know that I have very much looked forward to the times when I've been able to have them because I look forward to a sense of continuity during those weeks. To getting into the work. And then I doubt myself. Did you tell me that we could only do it for three months? I don't think so, but you might have done. I know I have a bad memory, especially when I am dissociated. So I don't know if I should mention anything because I'll feel so stupid if you say you did. But I don't think you did. I don't think I would have said to start if I knew we weren't going to be able to continue. But then I might have done. Who knows. And I don't want to spend my entire session talkijg about this, which I think we will if I bring it up, but then if I don't bring it up I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to focus on the work we are supposed to be doing. I don't know how I will sit there and say anything, knowing this hurt and confusion are there. So is there any point in me coming at all? F***. Maybe you just forgot? But Christ, if you forgot we even have sessions on Thursdays, what else are you going to forget? Maybe you didn't think I would mind? But who the hell are you to make decisions for me? And then I feel bad for wanting the time, when someone else who needs help could also be making use of every Thursday morning, rather than me who only does every other week. Is that my problem though? Not really, but it's another reason not to make a big deal out of this. Someone else's needs are obviously greater than mine. We both know how that plays into my past. Walk away, stay and fight or just do nothing, pretend nothing has happened. Wow, the similarities are striking when you look at it like that. I think I'll probably end up doing what I've always done before, rightly or wrongly. I'll come. I'll sit in that chair and I will silently stew. Bottling all of my feelings up. Cutting off from myself. And I'll wait for you to destroy me.

How dare he take my favourite song from me?
I've known it and loved it half my life, and now it's tainted by the words.

You told me yesterday I need to eat 8 slices of bread a day... that seems like some effed up advice. I'll get some bread but I'm not eating at least 640 calories a day in bread. I get the professional supposedly knows more then the client but maybe the client who has kept off a large amount of weight for many years knows a thing or 2 too.

Dear K,

Really wishing I had rain proofed your gift better. I just hope you get to it before the rain does!! It would be weird to come back and sort it now I think, haha.

Hi R,

Today has been a doozy of a day.
I bumped into Alan on the way back from my art class, and hugged him before I caught myself.
He's my blinking vicar, sort of.

Still getting my head around that relationship.

Dear T,

Thank you.

Me

Dear T,
Thanks for the empathy today about D. And for understanding when I said I don't feel fully safe or trusting of you yet after what happened recently. And for seeming willing to be a bit more "gentle" in the next few weeks. Also for the extra squeeze at the end of the handshake as I was letting go--felt like you trying to reassure me of your caring without using words.

Love,
LT

This is tough going, isn't it. Even the thought of making progress towards finding my voice has the ability to trigger me given the right parameters, because (your favourite word!) parts of me are so desperate not to voice any of this. I managed to censor my language when I 'shouted' at you. I am really grateful that you don't take it personally. I'm really grateful you understand where it comes from. I'm really grateful that you take it as an opporyto explore how I am feeling. Thank you. You are pretty awesome, you know. I'm glad we got back on track after last week, and I am glad you see how well these second sessions are working. I did what you suggested today, had a brief look back at my therapy journal, and even only a few months ago it used to feel like you were that speaker, not even really aware you were there. That feels like it has changed.

I hope you have a good Christmas and New Year's, and I look forward to getting back to work in January. We still have a great deal to do.

I can't stop thinking about that expression about filling someone's shoes, and yet I can't retrieve the proper phrase.

What I'm saying is, it's hard to allow Alan to occupy the role that Steve once filled in my life.

Dear T,
I hope you're OK. I know I likely watch too many crime dramas, though really, the one that popped into my head this time was a particular Grey's Anatomy episode. The guy in the waiting room was likely totally innocent and literally did just start working there. Or maybe just a homeless guy, hoping for a place to sleep. Or he just thought maybe someone back there had money he could steal. But I'm worried about the safety of you and the other clinicians (if anyone else was even there). I just wish that fear had hit me immediately so maybe I could have texted you before your next client.

I hope you respond about it soon, that you see it before he could potentially try to come in. I hope you're OK (and anyone else working today is, like R, though I didn't pay attention to whether she was there). And that you don't think it was some sort of twisted way of trying to reach out to you again before the holiday. I mean, if I wanted to do that, I'd probably wait till later, then email and say the roads were bad and that I hoped you got home OK or something. Or I'd talk about still being anxious re: tomorrow.


Love,
LT

Dear T,
Glad the guy in the waiting room was legit and that you're OK. Also that you understood my text for what it was and were appreciative of it (and also apologetic that I was in that situation with someone asking me to hold the door).

Now hoping you'll get home safely in the wind...Or perhaps you're already home!

I'll try to keep the bubble image in mind tomorrow and Sunday with family. Wish you could be there with me! Even just to observe and be like, "Oh, now I truly understand what LT is talking about, yikes!" Or so we could randomly step aside and dissect things that happened. Hm, that's a thought for a TV show. Anyway...

Love,
LT

Dear K,

Coming to Rs parents' house is always a little poignant for me, because I cannot get you out of my mind while I am here. A part of my mind has placed you in this role as Mother in Law I think, and I can't seem to untangle it! I mean, don't get me wrong, I know logically you aren't, and I know rationally that they are not you, but for some reason this part of my brain keeps trying to convince me otherwise. It's trying to do what it does best... To make sense of an otherwise senseless situation, I think. As humans we seek order and logic, and because of who and how you were to me, this part thinks you must have that kind of role in my life. Anyway, it makes me happy, to think of you, and I don't think I'm hurting anyone. I hope, as any future relationship between us grows into what it is destined to do so, my brain will be able to understand it more for what it is, and stop trying to shoehorn you into a make believe role. If that makes any sense!!

Oh, and I am so very pleased you will, like last year, save the gift to open on Christmas Day, because I know then that I will be with you in spirit, on your mind and in your heart. Love you loads, and wishing you and yours a very Happy Christmas.

I think I am not capable of truly ever getting over my transference T due to the change in my hormones. I don't think its physically possible. I just have to learn to adapt. The change in hormones and the transtition is the only thing I can think of thats making it impossible to forget her. I've seen 1 better and am currently working with a more proffesional therapist since leaving my transference T. There is no legit reason why I'm still holding on so much to her. Today is the day before I get my weekly shot. Its the day I dwell on her the most. Thats how I know this is a hormone related issue. I think I'll bring it up to my endocronolgist the next time I see him.

I just looked and the last time I posted about her was the day before I got my shot. So yeah. It seems like a hormone issue.

Dear T,
Well, I survived Christmas Eve at the in-laws. I did not do good with the plan to not discuss anything with D, but I felt I couldn't let my SMIL's comments go unanswered. And then my MIL's. I guess there were no blowups, so that's something? I did use the bubble thing a bit. I don't think I absorbed anyone's emotions. Which is an accomplishment for me. And, hey, my roasted veggies were a hit!

Wish I could have sort of a debrief with you about it tomorrow, before my parents'. But I'll manage. Without even that happening yet, we already have plenty to talk about Monday.

Love,
LT