Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Maybe I'll email you and see if you can reply before then...

T you are ignoring the important part of my texts. Why? I know you don't feel good but can you put on your therapist hat for five minutes to respond to me? Then you can go back to being regular you. Thanks, Kit

Dear E: I am having. mini nervous breakdown bc it hit me like a ton of bricks tonight of how much I miss him. I can’t stop crying. He was the goodest boy. I love you, Jack. I pray that you never suffered, but of course I don’t know that.

I thought you were different then the other therapists I've had, and wouldn't leave. Especially so soon. but I guess you get paid too. To be honest though my mind is a bit at a head **** right now and I'm not sure I'm ok.

Now that I have my Geodon, and ice cream in my system I think I may have overeacted. After you told me more about the situation. Then again, maybe my reaction was to be expected. Its been a lot all day with my anxiety and the stuff dumb Putin is doing. I want my pdoc to raise my Prestiq but I don't know how to ask him.

Dear T and E: Coming to terms with this is SO HARD. I don't know if I can do it.

Dear T, please don’t give up on me.

I need help.

I'm trying not to focus on you today and your plans. At least my transference T is getting farther and farther away from my mind. Kinda impossible for me to focus on her much anymore after going through 4 therapists in 1.5 years.

You canceled our last session and never rescheduled...

L, I miss you so much. I wish you would find the time to write me. I worry that you have forgotten me.

I'm glad we have a date again, but I hate the uncertainity. I know you said we'd make it work, but I'm lacking faith.

Holiday on... holiday cancelled, put session in calendar... holiday possibly on again, get ready to reschedule....
OMG T, I should've just said we'd meet in 2 weeks time and have done with it! I know you need a holiday and the logistical issues you face with H over the travel arrangements, but my last session with you was monopolised by 'your stuff', having to take calls in session re your on/off holiday...
I was trying to work through some difficult stuff which is happening to me next week while you are potentially away.
After the session you messaged me to say the holiday was definitely back on, so I messaged back to say 'great, speak to you in 2 weeks'. What else could I do? Of course I'm pleased you get your break, but it sucks big time for me and the stressful week ahead.

Sending strength, East. Multiple phone calls about unrelated stuff would annoy me too.

Cold. Distant. Disengaged.

Two more sleeps.

I hope everything goes to plan this week.

I'm spiraling and I can't stop it on my own. Talking with my mom/brother/sil/sisters on Sunday, instead of helping, triggered me even further and I feel like literally all I've been doing is eating since that zoom call. There is not enough food in the free world to fill the emptiness in me so I really should stop trying. I feel myself sinking and I recognize where I'm headed because I've been there before and I don't want to go there again so I hope when I see pdoc he'll be able to prescribe something that will get me back to myself again.

I'm trying to decide what you asked me in your email yesterday. If I want to keep seeing you remotely until Thanksgiving, or go straight to the new therapist in person. Idk. My head is just a foggy cluster**** today and I can't think about these things right now.

Re eating - ive been reading a series of free and not free books on kindle by greg livingston? I started with 101 food rules. There are big mouth monsters on the covers. I am finding them very useful in calming my eating, staying conscious, not letting the bad guys win. I equate his "the Pig" with an evil introject. This is unique to his books, AFAIK. You know i am a big fan of the concept of evil introjects. Helping you understand why you do stuff you dont want to do, but it makes "somebody" happy, something inside you.

I hope my email didn't freak you out about my test result. But it was the right thing to do. I had to tell you since I just saw you on Wednesday.

I realise now that I'm the worst friend and totally selfish. I had an inkling that I wasn't as nice a person as I thought and now I know for sure. I'm judgemental and closed off and self absorbed. I am upset that you have cancelled the session even though you're sick. All I can think about is my own ****** needs and no one else's. And by saying all this I'm falling into a wounded victim which is even more unpleasant and I just hate myself. No wonder I have hardly any friends. You think a lot more of me than I am worth. I don't know how to do better. I honestly don't have a clue. I want to be there for others but somehow I never get it right. I always fall short. Others seem to know and have this natural altruism, I'm just a complete f up of a person.

Looking forward to seeing you in the morning.

I am glad we rescheduled for tommorow afternoon because I was not up for a session today.

thank you una!! i'm checking those out now and just got a free one. will start reading after work today (on lunch now for another few minutes)

the black cloud has receded a teeny bit more just now.

I am so sad today. I miss my guy.