object constancy

hmm... fancy-schmancy way of saying i don't feel close to him anymore if there is a break. i see him 2xweek and we had to cancel just one. So, it has only been a week but i feel a million miles away. Right now he knows me in a more honest and whole way than *anyone* ever has, and it makes me jittery. i back up easily and i am quick to find reasons why he might not be on my side.

i feel in some ways that i have reached another hurdle... or could it be a flatline? This could be the limit of my ability to trust. i have no idea... anything more is virgin territory for me.

i am frightened to be honest. i don't know just of what exactly, but i feel very vulnerable and i don't like it.

(((((((((((((((JELLO))))))))))))))))



that's all i can manage right now. sorry hon.

Hey. I find it hard to feel close to my therapist if there is a break, too. One thing I try and do... Is when I feel lonely I try and call to mind some time when I saw him that I felt particularly connected to him. Sometimes I can summon that feeling of connection by doing so. It can be hard though, yeah.

I worry... That he won't come back. That I'll never feel connected to him again :-(

Is that maybe what is going on for you?

I use to think of some occasion when my T said she'd be there or acted like she cared/would be there and I'd hang on to that until she said or acted like she wasn't going to be there. If they're going to do a sudden exit, no way to be prepared so I just collect all the evidence against such an exit AND all the words so if there ever is such an exit, I'm on the moral high ground.

Awww elmo.. i'm sorry babe... let me know what's going on if you want to vent ok? Miss you in chat.

yeah alex.. i worry that he'll decide he cant deal with me anymore. It's irrational i know but there it is. That feeling of connection is so rare for me in my life.. and you know how powerful the therapy connection can be when it happens.. it grabs my attention for sure. i'm afraid of never feeling it again. i know (i hope) that someday it won't be that way.. that maybe i will feel the connection and just feel good about having that, without the fear of not having it. Sometimes i wish i'd never had it, can't fear losing what you have never experienced.

we did ok tho.. it always surprises me how quickly i feel at ease with him now.. well, ok, *more* at ease than before and more often than before. i was really nervous about going.. but once he started talking i felt ok about him. i am not as afraid of him as i used to be.... there is a comfortableness that is there more. i worry about it disappearing.. about him coming to decide he dislikes me once he knows me.

are you on the month-long break now alex? Have you been state-side yet? i'm around if you feel like you want to talk, or vent or just make contact without having a lot to say. Just send me a PM and i'll know that you just need some kind of company. we all have to try to help each other along the way.

((Jello))

Yeah, object constancy or the lack thereof.

I have no object constancy, nada, zip. I told T that he exists only in his chair. I go twice a week because as I approached the one year anniversary of therapy I still couldn't hold onto the connection from week to week. Now, I can hold on from Tuesday to Thursday (usually), but not always from Thursday to Tuesday. Sheesh.

I have also had the same fantasies that he doesn't want to work with me, will become sick of me.

I believe that, in T's presence, we can attain a concept of ourselves that we can't do elsewhere irl, and the frightening part is the prospect of losing that.

One of the things I do is listen to Bellaruth Naparstek's trauma recovery recording because my T is my guide on this tape (imaginary). The downside of this is when I am mad at him I can't use it because it angers me instead of calming me! However, I do recommend it. It might help.

Peace

I worry that my t will decide that he doesn't want to work with me anymore, too. Irrational... Maybe... But then it makes sense that I would feel that way because people have left me when I needed them before...

I think the only way it gets better is to experience more of it. With a therapist, yeah, but also with people outside therapy. I'm starting to have more enjoyable moments with friends and strangers. Mutual smiles. Different, yeah, but nice. I think that the more you experience those moments with both friends and strangers the more it really starts to sink in that that feeling isn't completely tied up with any one particular individual. And so, if anything does happen to that one particular individual, it isn't the end of the world. But I think it does take time, yeah.

I worry about my therapist going off me, too. With every risky self-disclosure. Hasn't happened yet, but I guess I worry that it will happen, yeah. I'm on a month long break now, yup. Got to the US on the 30th (arrived almost before I left with crossing the international date line lol). Been sending some emails to my therapist, though. He has responded twice. Seems to be making an effort and pulling it off lol.

:-)

thanks sister.. i am going to have to cut back from 2 to 1 session per week soon... i really needed to have done it a while ago but i have also needed him.. i'm not sure what to do about that. i had to go a week this past week and i felt like i hadn't ever been connected until i got there. Doing 1xweek is going to be hard to keep any sort of connection at all.

i sat in my class today and while everyone was talking about Rabelais and Bakhtin i was writing a letter to my T about feeling so disconnected. If i have an exam that is all about my therapy i still would fail.

i'm a freak that way alex... most people IRL would not know i struggle so much. i have zero idea how interaction truly works, and so i mess up even the simplest things sometimes.. bad relationships... few friendships.. no intimate connections... BUT.... i learned how to mimic. i'm not talking about the "i put on an act for everyone" thing... this is deeper. i'm not acting exactly. i mean i am, but i'm not. Everything i do among people is some kind of facsimilie.. a re-creation of interaction or something.

so i have mutual smiles.. i have what would seem like a good interaction ability if no one looks too closely. i keep the amount of contact low, so that people wont know. But T says he likes me, for real.. i believe him but i worry that he just hasn't hit the limits yet.

reward your T's email efforts alex hahaha.. poor guy, all technically befuddled. i hope you're having a good time. As my aunt always told me.. be good, and if you can't be good, be careful. hahaha.. enjoy your time away.. learn, grow, be.