Couch 241: Twin primes!

Thanks LT!

Those are definitely things to thinks about and discuss with her. She did put the crystal I gave her in the window. It's supposed to remove bad energy and bring in good energy.

I'm sorry that you feel like your love is poison. I can understand why you feel that way.

I often feel poisoned by other people's love for me (some poor fools do love me!). I suppose this is the flip side of the same coin which you are both describing.

Thanks, Scarlet.

And I remembered the crystal in the window you'd mentioned, which is part of what made me think of something cleansing/energy-related.

Thanks so much for those thoughts, EM. What you said really resonates, and I appreciate it a lot.

ETA It's interesting - relational trauma - I just read this "Relational trauma can impact our sense of self and our sense of self-worth. If we have inconsistent attachment figures, we may start to internalize the sense of being “not good enough” to have our needs met."

My entire life I have felt that I am "not good enough". And it also makes sense why I kept seeing L for more than 10 years - because of that whole intermittent reinforcement thing where so much of the time I felt 'good enough' within that relationship except for when I didn't and would try to leave, so I had to keep going back every time I had tried to stop, to get that good enough feeling back again, to use her once again as the "good mother" thing.

Back to feeling thankful that she said the things she said that hurt me so much in November of 2021 that ultimately allowed me to stop seeing her and to stay away for over a year now, and to really begin to see it as the toxic situation that relationship had become for me. It's strange because she also helped me in a lot of ways... until she didn't... and it also makes sense why I still love her.

At the annual Motorsports show that I have gone to every year since 2010 (except 2021 when it was canceled due to COVID).

I hope you enjoy it, RTerroni!

Session with L went well. I'm having an "omg I can't believe I said those things" moment. It actually feels good talking, confessing, having someone still accept me. AND I'm still afraid of hurting L. She reassures me that none of this bothers her, that it will not "stick" in her mind. It's hard to believe. I think because it has done so much damage to my mind, and I don't want the same for her. However, I am making progress. I'm tempted to write up on paper the details in my mind, and give it to her on Tuesday. Just get it out there, dive into the deep end and see if we can still swim. It's haunting me for a reason, and if it really doesn't bother L, then might as well take advantage of my courage.

I'm glad your session went well, Scarlet. Writing it up and sharing it seem like a good idea.

I'm glad it went well, Scarlet and I think doing the writing is a good idea.

Thanks LT and Artie! Thanks for the encouragement. I'll definitely write it out and then see how I feel come Tuesday.

I tested negative for covid, but I've got a fever of 102.7, sore throat, cough, headache so I guess it's the flu. Had no fever or headache this morning. Feeling kind of miserable.

Ugh, I'm sorry. I hope you feel better soon! Was it a home test or PCR? And when were you exposed? In August, it took my H a few days after symptoms started to test positive on a home test, though he never had a fever. So if it was a home test, I'd recommend testing again in a day or so to be safe (mainly because you had a possible exposure). If still negative, then like you said, I imagine it's the flu. If it was a PCR test, I'd just trust that.

Have you heard whether your T is feeling better?

Yeah, I didn't even realize relational trauma was part of my history except that I happened to be seeing a trauma therapist who slowly helped me unfold some things that I had always thought were fine but were in fact deeply affecting my sense of self. (Some of this stuff literally started before I had language, so it was in the same category as "gravity pulls things down" in terms of how I viewed myself and the world.) You deserve to feel "good enough," and I do think it's possible with the right guidance.

I don't know the type of test, but it was at a doctor's office. He seems to be feeling better. We've been emailing and he was feeling good enough to do a video session yesterday. Wish I could say we ended on a positive note, but I'm now feeling like I should reduce our weekly sessions after I mentioned feeling like things had been inconsistent lately. I knew I should have kept that thought to myself. Dumb me.

Might have been a PCR test if at a doctor's then, Are you feeling any better physically?

How did he react when you mentioned the inconsistent part? I'm sorry you're feeling dumb about that. I certainly know how it goes wishing one had kept thoughts to themselves instead of sharing with one's therapist! Hugs, if wanted.

No, but my fever isn't quite as high today, like 101.5.

Well, he apologized for getting defensive and said it was because he worries about doing enough. Which made me feel like crap. I think I should just start back with the Prozac and start cutting back on sessions.

I hope you're starting to feel better NP, glad your fever is down a little today.

Did I mess up some settings or does everyone now see the profile picture of the original poster? Kind of hard to read through topics like this...

Yeah, mine looks like that, too--it's annoying!

Yup, me too. So on the forum index page for this thread we’re looking at una’s phallic tower. Freudians everywhere rejoice!

Could be a device specific thing. I'm not experiencing that on my laptop.

I'm not either, on my laptop.

Tweaks to default theme

Ya mean this?

What "profile page" are y'all talking about? Everything loojs the same to me, on my phone.

Yup. Your tower’s a bit shrunken, though…

See attached.

Those who don’t see it must not be on the default theme.

ah yes. that must be it, i don't like the default theme i use the Desert Sand one.