Couch 241: Twin primes!

I admire your restraint for not offing him in all this time!

Yeah, restraint is not my middle name. Avoidance, maybe!

It is the coolest thing to see. Its like a scene out of The Incredibles.

My T said the weirdest thing today, and it really threw me. She said "I wanted to reach out and touch you, to let you know..."(I'm not sure I remember correctly what came next) "but I wouldn't touch you". She said it after I had had one of my dissociations, and the subsequent real struggle to communicate and bout of deep sadness that came. I turned away from her and was just quietly struggling with my sadness. And then she got a tissue and I asked if she was sad. She said she had been sad, yes.

I sent her an email asking why she wouldn't touch me. I'm intrigued to hear her answer. I don't think she agrees with touch in therapy, even though she knows my Ex T and I used it a lot, and what a positive experience it was for me. I explained after that touch allowed the sadness to come, with Ex T, as I could feel safer rather than just with her just sat there.

But yeah, just found it a bit odd that someone who doesn't really agree with it would say that they wanted to. It confused me a little.

I'm sorry you experienced that, Waterbear.
It would throw me too.

I think touch can for some Ts lead to codependency quickly, but maybe I'm wrong. In my culture, it would also change the tone to a more sexual or romantic setting, but that's probably different all over the world. Yet, wanting to show the sentiment can be present. I would be irritated if it were my T though.

Thanks guys. That's true I guess, the sentiment can be there, and I guess can be... Comforting? I'm assuming that's what she was going for. Not sure I feel it though, just a bit confused! I sent her an email asking why she wouldn't... I'm interested to hear her answer. I think it can be a very difficult topic, for sure, and so many variables I guess that one time just can't fit all.

That would throw me too, Waterbear. And frankly it would annoy me. If the therapist had no intention on offering you touch or a hug or something then the T shouldn't even bring it up!

Hugs if wanted, Waterbear--I'm sorry. That sounds really difficult and confusing.

Some T's just don't use touch, like won't allow hugs, touching a shoulder, etc. Mine allows handshakes at the end, but that's it, and he's made it very clear that's his policy. But he's also made it clear from the very beginning, so I could have left if I felt touch was something I wanted. He's concerned about it being confusing, lines being blurred. Like maybe the client would interpret something that wasn't there, for example--I do feel like hugs could be a bit confusing for me, honestly.


Though there was one particular session that was really difficult and emotional for me (stuff going on with my daughter) where I told him later I wished I could have had a hug at the end, though I knew not to ask for one (he said it's good I didn't ask, because he would have had to say no, which he knew would have hurt me). Which is not at all judging people who get hugs or other touch from their T's. Ex-T eventually allowed occasional hugs.

Has your T been clear about use of touch? Even if she has been, I see how that comment would be confusing. I hope she responds well to your email.

Thanks Kit, yeah, it feels a bit like a carrot has been dangled, if I'm totally honest with myself. A carrot I'm not sure I want or not... Having convinced myself that this wasn't an option with this T, I haven't even really given it a great deal of thought.

Thanks LT, I think your T having a clear stance is good, at least I hope it is good for you? It does sound like it would be hard to want something like that, though, and "know not to ask"

To be honest, we haven't ever properly talked about it. That's why I think she has opened a box now, because I'm now thinking about it, and I don't know where that will lead inside me.

She is good though, so I'm just really intrigued to hear what she will say about why... And where that conversation would lead. I would be hopeful that she would be more in line to doing what is in the clients best interest, and understanding that this is something where it would be wrong for some and right for some.

You know, thinking about it, I have thought about touch with her once before, I just had this image in my hear of us touching finger to finger. Just to feel some sense of security. But I never went there because I didn't think she would say she was ok with that, and because I wanted to try and find other ways to connect, without touch this time. So far that hasn't worked though!

Literally just drafted a resignation letter over ableism.

Weren’t you guys going to talk me out of doing something extreme like that? If so, talk away.

You cant leave just as they say they might change things if they have to!

Otoh, i "retired" at 50. There are plenty other things for you to do, like hang with your nieces. People work mostly because they have to if they want to eat. Let me talk to your accountant.

I once resigned over a terrible boss. I left the industry and have regretted that decision ever since (it was over 10 years ago). The boss got fired two months later anyway.

I hope you choose to hang in there if that's whats best for you

What's happening with the investigation or whatever they're calling it?

Don't do anything rash. Set some arbitrary cooling down period before you go nuclear on your career. Not that I think you would ruin your career by resigning, but life is certainly easier when you're operating from a position where you have a job and you're not needing a job like right now. I know they've pissed you off royally, and they deserve your ire, but don't shoot yourself in the foot. Set a timer for yourself before you hit send on that letter.

I wish I could come on here and talk about what a mind fork this whole DNA thing has been without my head imploding. I've gotten no response to messages to first cousins so I'm now onto full on genealogical research on perfect strangers on ancestry. The issue is that I don't know which line to follow and it quickly becomes exponential and very, very confusing. I'm in the midst of some sort of identity crisis and I don't know what to feel.

Yes; good advice.

The investigation—no idea. I responded to the email informing me of it with one question and something I wanted to make sure was clear (that the future was of more concern than the past). I don’t think they’ll be keeping me posted if they don’t need anything from me. They aim to finish within 90 days, which would be end of March.

I’m fairly sure they have not contacted the colleague who started the whole thing since she wrote me a breezy email this weekend asking who she should get as a peer reviewer for her third-year review. The two people she suggested were totally inappropriate (one is junior to her, not tenured, and she sleeps with the other one). I don’t know, maybe she was hoping I would volunteer. But I don’t think she would have sent that email had the anti-discrimination people been in touch with her.

As for my chair, I have a meeting with him this afternoon on another topic and god knows if he knows,

"The two people she suggested were totally inappropriate (one is junior to her, not tenured, and she sleeps with the other one)."

Just...wow.

Also, I agree with NP's advice. Maybe focus more on the job search in the hopes that you could move someplace else in the fall Or summer? Not sure how it works in academia. (This is what I did when I had a bad boss and toxic work environment at a newspaper years ago--focused on an exit plan.) And then, if you have an offer in hand, resign, if nothing gets resolved. Or decide to at least wait to act until the committee finishes its investigation in March.

Omg! Is she flaunting that she is for some reason untouchable? Or was she just drunk?

@@ I am echoing what others have said. I wanted to quit my last retail job so much because the company/management was so bad. But I hung in there until I finished my Master's and got a job in a different field--hello accounting! If I would have left when I would have wanted to it would have been a mess for me. Just try to hang in there until you have something else lined up. I am so appalled at everything you have gone through. I thought universities were supposed to be enlightened. You certainly deserve better. Just don't act on impulse and then end up creating pressure for your finances. Hug if wanted, kit

My dad calls it the "monkey rule". Don't let go of the vine until you find a new vine.

Today was supposed to be the day we picked up Luna, but thanks to all flights being grounded this morning, the breeder changed it to tomorrow. Now H is having a hissy-fit over it. I think the next guy I'm with I'm going to have to make sure he understands basic math, cash flow, and how to balance a checkbook.

Hugs, Scarlet. I hope it works out to pick her up tomorrow. And sorry about your H.

I love that, the monkey rule! It sounds like a really really pants position to be in... It sounds like you've had some good advice here though. It can be so hard to stay where you know things are so wrong, but sometimes, having something is better than having nothing. Sometimes. Not always though, I guess it depends on the situation.

RIP Jeff Beck.

I hate all this dang overtime. At my age I get burned out on it quickly, that and the having to do 3 different job functions depending on the day. At least h is working pretty often too - I'd really be a crabass if he weren't getting any jobs and was here watching tv 24/7. They sent him up north last night and he just got home a little bit ago, it was like a 7 hour drive round-trip so that one paid well. He's sleeping now, and likely will be most of the day so it should be quiet which is good cuz I still have 7.5 hours of this 10 hour day to go. Meh. I know I need to stop complaining. I could look for a new job. I don't think I'd find anything that would pay close to what I'm making now after 10 years of promotions & raises here. I need to just stick it out 4.5 more years til I can retire. Time flies by faster every year so....