Couch 241: Twin primes!

Yeah, starting to think that. Had a chat with chiding German ex-chair (she’s on sabbatical) and asked about her experience with discrimination complaints. Almost certainly the office has been in touch with both of them by now, according to her.

So these emails do seem like they might be either desperate attempts to cling, or show she doesn’t care.

Or maybe she missed the email from the anti-discrimination office, too…

I hope it's a good class. I did one awhile back and I was okay at following the directions like for copying their drawing of a rock and a piece of cheese or whatever but it didn't really teach me anything as far as like, going out in the real world and trying to draw something. Hoping youirs is better!

haha I tried to sketch the fountain one time after she moved away, that is over by where L's office used to be the first yeawr I saw her. It was all out of proportion and pretty awful. I've always wanted to learn how to draw but have never been able to learn. I'm thinking you gotta be born with it even though the class I took, the guy said you don't have to be born with it that anyone can learn. My efforts prove him incorrect haha

I am starting to believe some people really are just that clueless - super duper mind bogglingly clueless

I am still hoping that this all somehow gets worked out in your favor, @@.

we just went to the pharmacy but only the drive through is open now and there were 8 cars in line and h was like nah - not waiting - he has one pain pill left from his last dental work, so he's just gonna use that tonight and go get the new ones in the morning and go to sleep now. there's a mouthwash they want him to use too he said but that one isn't gonna be ready til tomorrow anyway so...

Funny how a few glasses of vino make me forgot how mad I was at him earlier today.

Perhaps I should make a separate thread for these nights when i'm having wine for dinner and dessert.

Dessert, desert, I need to go out in teh desert to lose my mind and find my soul isn't that the quote well it's about the forest but same difference. I'm thinking alot about my trip in March. I think best scenario - I fly into KC to spend most of the time with my sister ther and then she drives us to our mom's for a couple days anyway but i spend most of the trip with my one sis. she and i have the most in common, she's done years ofw ork on herself too so we kinda speak the same language there and she's also a creative type like i am so we get along the best out of my siblings i need to email her right now while i'm thinking about it and really stawrt planning. she lives like a 3 hr drive from mom/other sis so it's an easy drive for a couple nights. I am planning to take a full week so i get the most time I can with my sis. i miss her so much phone calls are notthe same.

I also really hate anger. I mean no-one probably "likes it," but I only feel anger when I am driving and my road rage comes out. Or it is all pulled inward towards self-hatred.

that's a good point, that maybe no one actually likes feeling anger. But i think that a lot of people are certainly more comfortable with it when they feel it - like when I have watched my son express it to his friends and then get over it very quickly. Even my h - he'll express it and then go to bed to get over it on his own, but it's usually not very long before he's over it. I don't know how they do it. If I do express even a little of it, like the other day at the dr's office, I feel guilty about it forever, I still feel bad about slamming the door like I did. And that was almost a week ago already.

I have so much anger stored/built up/whatever that it seems like it's prolly slowly poisoning my soul and I think I need to find a way to start releasing it a little at a time and just get it the **** out of me. Maybe through painting. Maybe through poetry. I don't know. All's I know is there's a ton of it buiult up in there.

Art—I think maybe one deals with the underlying causes of anger. You can let it out but it will just replenish itself if the causes are not dealt with. Like an infected wound keeps producing pus.

Generally I get angry and it’s done five minutes later. I just let myself feel it. But I do feel rage about some things (like my colleagues). It doesn’t scare me, but it takes longer to dissipate.

Ah yes, I'm not very good at dealing with those underlying causes, am I? Perhaps I need to start looking at my marriage as the festering wound that it is and has been for a long time. I'm really good at slapping a band aid over it without treating the infection first. I need to do something, though, and soon about that underlying infection. I really don't want to just turn my life upside down by leaving. I'd rather try marriage counseling first but I haven't yet figured out how to get h to agree to that.

I'm still angry about a lot of things that happened in my so-called therapy too, that I never addressed. Those things, though, I should probably address by writing a letter and then burning it.

I need to go to bed.... 4:15 am is gonna come way too quickly. I'm too old for this ****.

Night couchies.

I feel like most of us are women here.

I feel like maybe as women, our anger has been subverted, looked down upon, discouraged. I've also been imbibing tonight, so maybe this is nothing but just a feeling I have about the way of the world.

ETA: mocked.

I know my ex mocked my anger. It was always "you're so cute when you're angry."

Artie, try not to depend on the alcohol too much. Try not to drink to mask feelings. It only delays the inevitable.

The reason I first sought out therapy is because I was so angry at my now ex and I didn't know what to do with that anger. It certainly wasn't helping the situation. I didn't want to feel angry all the time and was hoping for a way to dissipate my anger. I was angry, as it turns out, because he was abusing me and had been for a long time. It helped so much to hear my therapist, a man, say that my anger was justified. I still haven't fully come to terms with being okay with anger, but that helped.

thanks scarlet. that's certainly true. well i slept for a few hours but now i'm wide awake and can't go back to sleep. gonna go back to bed and try to just be with all the feelings/emotions swirling around inside me. anger, worry, love, hate, etc. maybe do an Active Imagination and have a round-table meeting with all of them and see what each one of them wants to say. g'night again y'all.

Last long day of this week done! Just logged off work. There was a rumor going around that 6th day was being cancelled this week but alas, it was false. I'm off tomorrow, then work Saturday through Thursday again but at least next week I think I have only 2 phone days instead of 3. Slowly, slowly, we are finally into the 2nd half of this stupid month! I am going shopping now for printer ink. And maybe chocolate.

I behaved myself and didn't buy any chocolate. We have a drum circle tonight but I'm just feeling too tired to stay up late enough to log onto it - it doesn't start for another coupla hours. I didn't get back to sleep after I was awake at 2am or whatever, so I'm pooped. I know I would just plum fall asleep anyways once I put on my eye covering and leaned back in my chair while he drums. I miss the group, but I don't want to fall asleep that would be embarrassing. I think I'll rejoin them in February...

Oooh I've always wanted to try a drum circle but never have. Are they good I'm guessing you like them if you go. What about online?

Artie, if you want my opinion (which you 100% did not ask for!) I think the most effective thing you could do is find a way to work on your relationship with yourself first: your emotions, your reactions to your emotions, your values and desires, etc. Once you've made some progress there, I think you'll be much more equipped to confidently handle your career and your marriage and whatever else is making you feel restless and unhappy right now. I'm a therapy believer so I would suggest an experienced trauma therapist (one who understands relational trauma specifically), but I'm sure there are other paths. It could also help you make sense of/find peace with your relationship with L too.

I'm dreading tomorrow's session. I want so desperately to see and be with L, but I'm scared of continuing our discussion from Tuesday. I HATE the topic. It literally eats away at my soul. And that's why I have to do this. It's come up for some reason, so I need to deal with it as much as I can stand. I admitted and said a lot on Tuesday about it already. More than I ever have. My biggest fear is poisoning, tainting, or hurting L's mind. I've already did it to myself. I don't want her to suffer from it too.

How do you protect your therapist from the evil insode you? While still trying to get help? I know...her boundaries and feelings are up to her to manage. Sometimes I wprry that she's too accepting, and she must have to "detox" after our sessions. Especially about this topic. Do I continue to trust her that I'm not hurting her? I mean, she's known about it for 3 years now. And after Tuesday's admissions, she said they were understandable. So I guess she's not surprised by it, right?

Ugh! I wish this was never a part of me. I want to SH and destroy that part of me. I just want to be a good person.

I'm sorry you are dealing with a difficult topic Scarlet. I have felt that way before and wondered how my T can deal with all the stuff he has to listen to since he is a trauma specialist. While he totally validates my issues and admits they are within the top 10 he has ever heard, he does also admit that he has heard a lot in his career. So while we feel that we are tainting them or making them feel horrible with our past, we are only one part of their tenure as a therapist. For each client their past is unique to them but to the T, it is probably not the first time they have heard similar things. This by no means down plays your issues or feelings, it is just the facts of being an experienced professional. It might be a good idea to ask your T how you can get past your thoughts about it.

Zoiecat - Thank you for your response!

You're right, the topic isn't unknown to L, AND she's actually never had a client with this issue. Of course it is trauma, so it's in her realm of expertise. I just still worry about her. I live with it haunting me, and I don't want her to suffer as well. I don't want these evil thoughts in her head.

L believes talking about it, "letting it into the light" will help ease the pain. Tomorrow, I think, we will be talking about the whys: why did this happen, why does it exist in me, and why does she feel it's understandable. I think if we can figure out the whys, it might help me understand more, which hopefully helps me cope with it better. It's just all very scary to me.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Scarlet. Hugs, if wanted. It seems like talking about your fear of poisoning/tainting her is important. Because it says a lot about how you view yourself, and I imagine you fear this about your effect on other people, too (if they don't know about it, thinking, "If only they knew, they'd never accept me.")

I hope she is able to reassure you that you're not poisoning her, that she can handle it. It's a different sort of thing, but I've told Dr. T that I feel like my love is poison in some ways, in how an ex, the former teacher, ex-MC, and then, Dr. T at one point (he seems to have come around to acceptance now) reacted to it. Like it's something to fear and reject.

Anyway, I'm wondering if there's anything symbolic you could do to make you feel better about this? This is a rather cliched example, but like if you could right down what you feel is the toxic thing on a piece of paper, and then shred it into pieces or burn it (though I doubt you could do that in your T's office!) Or a cleansing ritual of some sort, whether something that might tie into whatever your religious beliefs are (if any) or something that's more, I don't' know, mystical, like there's the tradition of burning sage in a room to cleanse it. Again, burning likely isn't an option, but I've heard of using sage essential oil to do something similar. Or, I don't know, if she has windows that open, to open up the windows or use an air purifier or something.

Not that I think you or L or the space need cleansing, but I just wonder if doing something symbolic could help in some way?