Couch 241: Twin primes!

I'm sorry you're having to navigate this, LT.
Is there much change in her routine at the moment in terms of school?
With the time of year, I would imagine it might be a little different.

That sounds really stressful LT. I hope you can figure out what's going on with her.

Kit, I really want to joke that you should report that person to HR for sending you nasty messages on Teams. But seriously, I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. It sucks when you're dealing with interpersonal conflict at work. I'm kind of laying low with my boss right now because I'm worried he's pissed at me for dropping the ball on a project and I don't feel like dealing with that right now. In reality, we're probably fine. I hope things start looking better for you soon.

I'm not dealing with this latest therapy break well. It was a short one and we're supposed to meet tomorrow in person, but I'm still having trouble with it. Mostly because of the "love in therapy" stuff that came up followed by the topic that came up at our last session that brought up a lot of feelings of being unlovable. Even though he did say there was love there. I don't know why I can't absorb that. I just feel kind of abandoned right now and I feel ridiculous for that.

Thanks, Kit.

Thanks, Lost. I know today was a bit different because her main teacher was a substitute (she knew in advance). But she spends much of her time with a special educator. I think these incidents happened in the main classroom with the sub though.

There were a couple incidents last week, and we thought they were because she'd basically had the previous full week off (Thanksgiving--off 3 full days at the end of the week, and the other 2 were half-days). But that wouldn't explain this week, so I'm not sure.

Thanks, NP.

Hugs, NP. It's not ridiculous to feel that. Breaks are difficult, and so are discussions on love in therapy. I can certainly identify with that right now...

Do you think it's partly that you wished he'd say it back? I mean, beyond just "there's love there."

I'm asking in part because I'm wondering if that's part of what's going on for me right now. Like I knew cognitively that my T wouldn't be like "I love you, too" or even to acknowledge that there's some level of love on his end when I talked about it. Or even be like, "I won't use the word love, but do know that I care." But I think this other part of me maybe thought there was some tiny chance, and I'm struggling to accept the reality now. But I also don't feel like I can talk about it with him, at least not for a bit, because he suggested that he wanted time to process it and figure out how to feel about it. Even though I already told him once, 4 years ago, that he apparently forgot about--like he literally said that he didn't remember that I'd told him (and hm, I wonder if part of this for me is that he'd forgotten?)

But anyway, wonder if this could be part of what's going on for you, too? (Sorry if I derailed!)

HUGS NP_Complete

Hugs NP, Kit, LT, and whoever else wants/needs. Head nods also as appropriate.

I'm heading out now to go find a Christmas tree, we're just getting a small table-top one this year to keep the cats out of it as much as possible. Tomorrow, we're doing a Social Responsibility activity through work, packing up bags of toys that will be handed out to local foster families for their kids for Christmas. It's something we do every year. Work is paying us for 4 hours, then I'm using PTO for the rest of the day so I don't have to work and can start my weekend as soon as we finish packing the toys! My supervisor is coming this year, so I'll finally get to meet her in person - working at home, I've never actually met her and she's been my boss since what, before the pandemic! I may have seen her in the office before I went work at home and before she was my boss, of course, but who knows.

Packing up bags of toys sounds so fun, Artie!

At my Church we adopt neighborhood children and buy them toys. This year I signed up for two families: 5 children total. It was really easy to do their shopping (thanks Amazon) and I got it wrapped with the help of my niece. The gifts have to be minimum $25 so I had to get some stuffed animals and nerf toys in there too because I kept finding toys around the $20 mark or they were on sale even though they originally cost more than $25. I found the cutest mini stuffed animals at Bellzi.com, and they were on sale for Black Friday, and then I got dolls, a crystal growing kit for the kid that likes educational toys, an art set, a video game for a PS4 and a nerf football. It was so fun shopping for them. But sometimes that is a hard part about Amazon. I didn't have to look or anything so it was a little less fun than shopping in person but as my parents had Covid at the time, it was the best I could do.

Thanks for the hugs Artie!

I didn't say "I love you" to him in the first place so it's not that he won't say it back. I let him read the post I made in the Stutz thread. Then I felt ashamed for what I was feeling and hid behind my hands for the rest of the session. He did some talking during that time reiterating things he's said before but I'm not sure exactly what was said during that time. There was some "nothing to be ashamed of" and "you deserve to feel loved here" and some talk about how he thinks about love in therapy. The next day I sent an email asking if we could just forget I brought this up and that I really wasn't asking for him to say anything to me. I guess I was worried he thought I was fishing for him to say he loves me. He sent back a very lovely and thoughtful email in which no "I love you too"s were said, but it was made very clear that he does feel love for me. I don't feel comfortable with posting publicly a direct quote because they are not my words to share, but if you want to read some of it, I can share privately.

I felt something very neutral after this. I don't know why it felt so neutral. I felt a bit more secure I guess knowing more concretely that the love I feel for him is reciprocated. But I was also still feeling ashamed and I didn't want to talk about it further. At our next session, stuff about my weight and eating came up and it was like, boom, I'm right back to feeling unlovable. He knew I was feeling ashamed and I said some really vulnerable things at the end of the session. Then he left on this trip and we haven't had any contact. I guess I was hoping he would check in with me knowing where we left things. Guess that was a bad hope to have. I don't know, I'm just feeling like what's the point of all this feeling love business when it's trapped in a little bubble. Sometimes the little bubble is nice, sometimes it feels constricting.

I'm not sure how you deal with your therapist as well as you do. You seem very brave telling him the things you do knowing that he's so closed off. I don't think I could handle that situation at all. Sorry if this is a rambling mess.

Hi NP,
Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you'd said you loved him! I just recalled the post you'd shared with him where you said you wished you could say that. And I'm sorry things shifted from it feeling nice and secure with him to your feeling unlovable.

And I get the desire for having him check in with you. My T has done that once, a few months ago--and it was really just to say "I know we left things on a difficult note. It's OK if you email me." But this part of me wished he would have done that after a difficult session last week, to reassure me. But of course he didn't, because it's not a thing he normally does. And I'm not really sure how I deal with him either at times! I think I'm playing something out with him, like maybe he represents my father?

I know what you mean, too, about how the bubble can be nice but also constricting. If you want to PM me what he sent you, I'd be happy to read it. If you'd rather keep it private, I completely understand that, too.

I didn't care if you implied that, I just wanted to clarify that I did not say it that way to him. The stuff about feeling unlovable is definitely coming from my own issues and not from him.

I've really been enjoying my new job as a door dasher.

If I'm consulting with another therapist on a particular topic, and my current therapist knows about it and has said he's OK with it--that's OK to do, right? It's a therapist that mine knows, and he even suggested recently that I consult with her about a particular issue (a slightly different one at the time, but related--all relational stuff). I've already scheduled a session with her for next week, which my T knows about and has said he is OK with. But I keep worrying that I'm betraying him or something in seeing her.

Mostly asking now because if I cancel tomorrow, I'll be giving her a week's notice, which seems very fair. And also because I'd scheduled my usual session that day with my T, in case I opted to cancel with her, and he's asked that I let him know by midday tomorrow if I want to keep or cancel the session with him (if I cancel, he said it's likely to get filled up).

She's the T I see when he's out of town, so we already have a bit of a relationship, and she works more with trauma and relational stuff. Dr. T and I have been bumping up against some relational stuff lately, including something where he said "I don't know how to help you any further with this." In the next session, he said maybe I could talk to R about it. It would just help to talk about some of this with someone who has more training in it, maybe to help us work through whatever is going on in my therapy right now, where we've had multiple conflicts/misunderstandings/(other stuff that I don't have a good word for) lately. Like, this week, we've gotten to the point where we've both admitted there could be enactments going on, just both seem a bit unsure how to handle it (beyond saying "yes, maybe this is what's happening.")

So, it's OK to see her, right?

Totally! I see two T's and they know about each other and are cool with it.

Thanks, Velcro! Not sure what's up with my guilt about this right now. I feel like it might be some sort of paternal/maternal thing.

Coolest Christmas tree ever!
Twinkly

If both T's agree, then it's okay. It might even be a really healthy and helpful thing to get another's opinion.

Okay, so I'm not going to fly to get the puppy. My H and dad don't feel comfortable (and neither do I!). That's okay.

We've settled on Luna for the name. Each of our dogs have their own color. Luna's will be purple.

Here's updated picture. I think she's 4 weeks now?

Hi guys hope everyone is coping i havent been here for awhile but i finally lodge the divorce paperwork and the hearing is in late February next year it feels like another brick has been taken off my back.
Hope everyone gets through this difficult time of year.
Best wishes everyone

A new puppy squee!

Thanks, Scarlet, that helps to hear.