Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Ah, I think it's time to start writing "those" poems again... so many feelings after coming back last week for one session.

I watched a bit of Sunday Morning with Willie Geist. But I didn't have the news on besides that. I did listen to a couple podcasts but they were kinda scary ones, so yeah probably not the best choice. I'm trying though

Last night was a rough one. I couldn't sleep and I listened to a pinocio song and then googled blue waffle. Which I know your not supposed to do but nothing really came up anyways.

meh. i did not do any writing last night although i did sit down and try to. it just wouldn't flow. oh well. maybe today after work...

Nope. Not yesterday either. I'm just feeling lonely and I guess I don't want to write lonely poetry. Meh.

Dear T,
Wish you weren't going away Wednesday. If today is any indication, this might be a tough first week of school. Want to just curl up in a ball on your couch tomorrow. Glad I opted to go with Sunday/Tuesday instead of just one day.

Love,
LT

....the words are flowing again, a new poem being birthed on my walk just now, o the pathetic longing in them, and i am embarrassed by them, i still imagine myself to be above them, even as they pour out onto the page in lonely waves... as they attempt to run from me, afraid of being as descriptive as I want them to be...

hey L.

i miss you.

i doubt this is any surprise to you.

Me

So I've been slacking on showering and also watching the news. My pain is tough today and I want to watch the hurricane coverage. I'll have to take a shower in the morning for my appointment anyways.

I thought your sweater was a blanket when you were putting it on.

Sorry. Too mean?

Back to feeling down again.

Odd feelings even though I wasn't close to my grandfather it still makes me sad.

"The Neva flows
A new wind blows
And soon it will be spring
The leaves unfold".

Dear T,
We were in risky territory today for the session before you'll be away, but I think it was a good and important discussion. And I still feel OK about it. Perhaps you guessed, but part of why I asked whether you were leaving tomorrow or Thursday was in case a grenade went off--didn't want to be emailing as you were leaving on a long drive. Hoping the pin remains intact.

Stressed about the bus stuff with D, especially her feeling so sad about it. Really wish you weren't going away right now. I know I see R on Thursday, but I don't really want to talk to her about D stuff (or just trash you, like you were mentioning today). And I could email, but your saying before you went away last time that you wish you didn't have to do that while away kind of soured me on that. I think we need to have a discussion about that sometime when you're not about to go away. Because it can really help me to think "I can always reach out if needed," even if I don't. Maybe it would help if I explained that to you? (But then you'll say, "I didn't say you can't reach out.")

Hope you do well at your thing. (I'm sure you know I know where you're going. We just aren't mentioning it.) And drive safely, if that's how you're going this time. And stay healthy (funny, I just sneezed as I typed that, but that's my Zyrtec wearing off).

Love you,
LT

I'm about to try a little tarotpy using my beautiful mermaid deck... I haven't practiced it in a while, probably not since the last time we did there. I haven't been journeying either (well except for last time I was there). Maybe that's why I'm feeling all out of sorts about everything.

I wish you hadn't let me off the hook last week.

I am having thoughts and feelings about what we are going to have to do at some point soon.

Shut your half wit pie hole about eating even if I'm not even hungry. I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner tonight thinking it would help me sleep and then I ended up puking it up because I'm sick with something. Not everything is an ED.

L,
The longings and not-enough pains are so excruciating right now. And now you're in your third trimester. So little time left. I wish I could talk to you everyday. I wish I had you all to myself, at least I believed that, like during Covid. I need you so much right now, and I'm not sure you understand that? Maybe you do since you're allowing me 3 sessions next week? I just want more of you. I'm scared. For myself, for you. Please come back, L!

There's a trigger warning for a reason. And just because I'm the only one that's spoken up, doesn't mean I'm the only person triggered by it. I'm not saying don't post. Just if you could be respectful of others and put it in trigger warnings.

I just had a visit from the health visitor because I called them asking for help with TE. They've left now and apparently I'm really upset. I think people asking me questions about what support do I have....and my answers, no I have no support, my family can't help me with anything, if I lived in the street opposite I would be eligible for free childcare but I'm not so just shut up about it. I'm setting my child up to fail and it's just ****ing awful

Dear Dr. S. I think we need to end things sooner rather than later. Trying to do this whole termination thing is stressful and I don't know if it is adding to my issues or not. Regardless, in the end you'll be gone and I will have to live with my life. If it is adding to the stress, having it be over will reduce that stress and possibly make other parts of my life be better.

Since my not wanting to let you go doesn't matter here; my wanting to hold onto you even past the end date doesn't matter... my wanting of anything here doesn't matter - it is going to end regardless. Why keep dragging it out? Why live in this pain? Rip the band aid off and move on. Maybe it will be the kindest thing I can do for myself and those around me; those that will still be around me.

love

So it's been 42 days since our last session.

I've been very up and down this past week. Currently sat in a cafe crying. Just tired more than anything else as usual.

I haven't been checking your public instagram for a while. 6 new posts.

Maybe I do sound bitter, but I hate that I've been left to deal with all of this, whilst you post away about how great everything is .

What exactly did you teach me?

I'm waiting for the freezer repair dude to get here, I'm off work today, my intention was to spend a few hours writing using some of the prompts in the tarot for writers book, but I'm coming up blank. So frustrating. I don't want to write sad I miss you I miss us stuff. Mainly because I'm the one who left so I don't deserve to, especially knowing that other people don't have the option to come back because their t's unfairly and horribly rudely left them. I have no right to feel sad!! None! All it would take is a phone call and I could be back seeing you weekly and I know this. But damn it, I just can't do it. Maybe I should just let myself write the sad ********. Get it out of my system. Maybe find some clearer answers as to why I can't make that phone call. In the mean time I'm going to go weave in the ends of my latest afghan so I can get it in the mail to my sister, and then be ready to start my next project.

My primary doctor literally talked to me about weight loss today. He wants me to lose weight. Like 44 pounds. He wants me to start taking metamucil everyday. He says for the fiber so it can help with my constipation. He says it also has other benefits too. I looked online when I got home and on their website it says it controls appetite and theres all this other stuff about the 2 week metamucil challenge and stuff..

I did lose 2 pounds this month since I had an appointment earlier this month. But yeah, if an actual doctor is telling me to take this supplement and I didn't even suggest it, then I'm gonna take it.

Sorry to butt in Artie, but just because someone else is going through something does not take away from what you're going through. Pain at the end of the day is STILL pain. You worked with L for over 9 years. It would be odd if there was no grief at your end even if you did end things.

Maybe you do need to write the the "I miss you" stuff because you do miss her. You're denying what you feel. You have every right to be sad and to feel the way you do.

My favourite Niles quote is :

"The first step to healing is not to bury the pain, but to feel it in it's fullest depths".

Facing things and healing is not the pretty instagram version. It's full of tears and pain. There's often no words for that. If you can't write paint. Draw. Take photographs. Play with modelling clay. Walk. Sit outside on a bench for a bit. You don't have to do everything at once.

I really need to work on this, saying things I think other people want to hear thing. This is my "codependent behavior of the day" apparently; I caught myself doing it twice yesterday with h. Stop it, Artie just stop it. Just tell the man how you really feel. I am 100% certain that I did this with you alllll the time.

Yeah i didnt care for the mix-in stuff or the fiber tablet, but i like the cookies! This just reminded me i have them in the cupboards! Spice and chocolate flavors. They are like 4 weight watchers points for 2 cookies, so they are not "cheap" diet-wise. I break them up and wash them down with sips of tea. The other forms like DECIDE what your poop is going to be and do. I prefer to have more control, just ADD a little bulk, not have some raging foreign poop bullet train take over my intestines.

Did you have crippling stomach pain the day after starting it? I have a call into my doctor asking if I should go to the ER at this point because my stomach hurts like crazy. Like a tearing sort of feeling where I had my hystrectomy. And I am so noticeably bloated

Yeah see what your dr says. You have so much going on, what with possible ulcers and all. He should have warned you to start off slow with the stuff. Its like eating a lot of beans or greens or oatmeal that does NOT slide easily. You will probably need a lot of tea - not diuretic type - even tho you feel bloated. Psyllium is like a sandbag in your gut - you gotta have enough water to break it up and float it out.