Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Roll on Tuesday.
May I be able to take my armour off so that we can have an honest conversation about how this experience has been for me.

Two years seems a lot harder than the first anniversary.

Dear T,
Totally losing it and sucking as a mother and wife right now... Also failing at the drinking goal today (well, on track to fail on it), but maybe today will be one of the two days that don't count.

I do think part of why I'm upset about losing lots of time for work today--and potentially Friday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday--is that I'm trying to get back on track with writing, and having D in the house doesn't help. We apparently should have just planned for the beach next week and done camp the week after. As I guess no on will be in school, and H will say it's fine for her to be home every day (I mean, your son is probably home, right? Maybe not. But I imagine he can also entertain himself at home, and you can still go into your office).

It's making me think my writing probably isn't valued, just in the same way I feel like more work ranks lower. He'd totally be on board with my taking a walk, but, yeah, not doing that in the smoke. But I also think that suggests he values that over writing. Which you seem to think is important. Guess I should try to do that for a few minutes before they're back.

Love,
LT

Wish there was someway to have a session tomorrow. Sometimes 45 minutes just isn't enough. Are you sure about the selective mutism thing?

Dear T,

It appears my mind is realising that first session back is looming. This extended two month break has reminded me that I can do life, without therapy. The work I did with Ex T put me in a really good place with regards to now having friends and hobbies and supports in place, and taught me largely how to have and to manage my emotions on a daily basis, rather than living life feeling numb and almost dead inside.

Because of the break I am sleeping better than I have done for a long time; I am not constantly preoccupied with my past; haven't had a nightmare at all; have more money to spend on treating myself and looking after my physical health and I am generally doing good.

I must say this is leading me to really reconsidering again what exactly I am doing in therapy. I mean, I know what I'm doing... I'm trying to find a way to confront and open up to my family about what he did to me. I'm trying to find a way forwards that doesn't include harbouring this secret. I'm trying to find a way that when I am with them I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not. Despite what he did to me I do want a proper relationship with him. Is that f***ed up?

But I have been in therapy for what, seven years now? I guess we two years of COVID might not count. And I guess that I've only recently really started working on the trauma side of things, but so far it doesn't feel like anything has changed. It doesn't feel like anything will ever change and it honestly feels like I'm spending £600 a month to feel awful.

Am I better off just accepting that this is the way it is? That what happened, happened, and that it can never be undone? Am I better off just living the lie that we have all seemingly been telling ourselves? Keeping the secrets hidden? Am I better off trying to come to terms with the fact that I can't get over this, and the possibility that that means I can't have the kind of relationship with him that I want to have?

My mind is thinking again, and I don't like it.

I know there are no prizes for holding it together.
It's also getting harder and harder to do.

Today's follow up hospital appointment triggered a shame spiral.
I know this is all a product of not coping well, but how the hell are you supposed to cope when your world turns upside down?

And how do I explain to someone who isn't you that I forget I exist below the neck on my worst days?

I didn't want to be there, even though she was well-meaning and friendly.

You said on Monday "I'm always just an email away." And you have been for the most part.

I left my house today to do some shopping. I went to a lot of stores that were crowded. I sucked at eating though. I just forgot and also yesterday was still getting to me so I am a bit off physically. Luckily I don't think I have any post procedure depression. I'm just tired mainly and my stomach and throat feels weird.

I woke up with a headache this morning.... a hot shower and tylenol didn't help, i think it's because last week's session left me with a t-hangover, and I sorta kinda don't want to come today. I'm still so ping-ponging between wanting more time and not. I feel like these coda meetings combined with the writing I continue to do may just be enough on their own, so.... oh we should just talk about it.

Okay so today kicked booty, and I'm glad we scheduled through the rest of June. Next week, I want to talk a little about how things seem so different this time around.

E: You are right (of course) about me having to use healthier coping skills besides the one I am used to,

Morning L, so I had a rather stunning realization last night as I was journaling about yesterday's session. We'll see how this week goes 'being' with this information; I suspect I'm going to have a lot to talk about next week. I'm glad we went ahead and scheduled. I'm for sure gonna want to talk about this.

I was tempted to email you today, but I was able to work things out myself. I feel better now. We do need to talk a lot on Monday though.

Dear A1,

I am so glad you are actually taking a week off to relax and recharge. You work way too hard. I told you I would miss you - you said you would miss me, too. I am glad you are gone this week, but I really can’t wait until you get back.

A2

Thank you for reminding me that Brené Brown exists.
I found out yesterday that she was a guest on a podcast where people talk about their favourite Willie Nelson songs.

She spoke about his version of Amazing Grace...which was pretty perfect considering my current position.

I'm so close to being soluble at the moment, but can't actually allow it to happen.

Dear T,
Well, I'm certainly not telling you about *that* dream! Though interesting that, like another dream, I was the one who put a stop to it.

Love,
LT

I want you to look at me and feel that overwhelming, fierce, protective, all consuming love that a parent feels for their newborn. I want to be able to look at you and see that reflected back at me in your gaze. To see the softness, the tenderness, in your face. To lock eyes and instantly feel that connection that tells every nerve ending throughout my body that I am deeply and unconditionally loved and cherished. An experience that is so completely foreign.
The longing and yearning for it is almost as painful as knowing I never will get it. Almost.

Why don't you ever push me or disagree with me? Is that why we get along so well? Or is it because I actually try your suggestions and metaphors and examples and find them helpful? Or do you just have too many clients who also pay you?

That was quite a potent question you asked on Friday. It has generated much work on my part already. See, this is why I keep coming back. You ask such damn good questions...

I switched to virtual for the summer because I felt like it was the best thing for my overall physical and mental health. You were totally fine with it.

But then why does this feel like the song Missing You by John Waite?

Maybe I want to feel other pain besides physical....

Ok, I am going to try my very best to not be a cow today. No telling you that you aren't good at your job, no criticising your approach, no swipes at your set up. I am going to be honest and true and vulnerable. No pointless attacks at you to avoid my discomfort. But you have to do your bit because when you start behaving like a moron, I can't help but punish you. Now there's ugly.

You aren't her.

.. Or her.

BIG stuff happening, L. Saying that was a potent question you asked on Friday is an understatement if ever there was one. Much to share when Friday rolls around.

A1,

I was thinking about you today at session time. It gave me comfort knowing you are vacationing in my happy place. I am glad the air quality is better. I hope you ate a slice of pizza. I hope you are taking a lot of pictures. See you in 7 days!

A2

Dear T,
I appreciated our discussion today. I think I have a bit of a better understanding of what was happening for you with the "I love you." It helps to know you'd never even given a thought to terminating at the time. I would like to continue the conversation--maybe Wednesday? I guess I'll see what's going on then. I'm just trying to be aware that I'll be away at least part of next week.

And it's a little frustrating that you'll be away next Friday--that will be the second random day you've been off since I asked you a few weeks ago and you said "I don't think I'll have any more days off until my vacation at the end of July." I mean, in this case, it made scheduling for next week easier, and I was only planning to see you twice anyway. Just concerned this will become a regular thing. I guess it would help me with the goal of twice a week? And you do deserve time off, of course! But still...

Love,
LT

"Trust life," you say. You do realize that so far life did not really offer me a lot to build that trust on, right? If my life would not have so treacherous, I wouldn't see you, would I?