Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

This is crushing. I am sorry this has happened to you.

I'm so sorry this happened, KLL85.

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve to be treated like this...

Thank you, L. That was very helpful today; I'm so glad I came in. And dang, I totally could have kept going for another hour!!

oh yeah and - it hit me about 2 hours after I got home - that I did it again while I was there, didn't I!!! The first codependent thing I told you I've recognized that I do. Like, only moments after telling you about it, I freaking turned around and did it again!!! That's how unconscious it is.

Dear T,
You seemed very warm and supportive today. Was it the casual Friday outfit you were wearing? (Maybe that's also why you referred to ex-MC by his first name?) I did find it interesting that you said a few of your clients wouldn't be OK with that attire. I'm glad that I'm one who you can feel more relaxed around.

And that was interesting what you said about being sick after your trip 2 years ago, how you had to cancel all your clients that day. Because, assuming that was the actual day you returned (and you hadn't lied to me about your return date when we were scheduling back then!), you did still see me. But you were able to keep pushing my session back, ultimately by a few hours, because you were waiting in line for the PCR test. And I wasn't sure how you could do that if you had other sessions scheduled. So maybe you canceled those but kept mine because you knew that I didn't do well with breaks and would have been worried about your being sick? And you had forgotten that? I do appreciate it, if that was the case.

Speaking of, D tested negative again, but I'm still a bit worried. Hope everyone stays negative, and we can still do the planned vacation.

Love,
LT

I did some writing last night about the whole push/pull thing we talked about yet again. I meant it yesterday when I said it feels different now than it used to. I realized while writing that both parts have very good points now, and that's what makes this so hard!! It was kinda surreal driving there yesterday, I heard the one part very clearly thinking what are you doing, I don't want to go there again, and that's why initially I drove right past your road on purpose. But the opposing part was excited and saying just ignore her. This makes me feel like I'm crazy, I hope you know. The 'what are you doing' part just cynically said well maybe that's her game, dimwit.

Still, my heart refuses to believe that and sides with the excited part, which is why I overruled Ms Cynical and showed up. There, I've named them. Ms Cynical, and Pollyanna. Now I can sit down with them and have a little chit-chat. Or kick both of their a$$es , perhaps.

I joke, but have you any idea of just how much I hate this internal battle between them???!!?!?

I just read this: "Jungian integration is a process of balancing the opposing forces of the psyche as the path toward integration of the unconscious with the conscious. This is the process of individuation, or becoming fully integrated with all parts of the psyche"

That's my problem right there in a nutshell ain't it Oh Wise One; that I am still at war with somea those psyche-parts.

eta: ...and I just wrote a poem about it. If you still have the link to my blog, please look at it and read the last 3 posts.

Last night i dreamt i had a session with the kindest most understanding most verbal! t. I needed that!

I took your advice and opened a window for a bit this morning. I'm not sure if thats excatly why I feel better. It could be one of the reasons.

No way am I getting a shower chair though. I'm not that kind of sick and I'm not old. I just hate the bathtub and my mom and I are talking about remodling it and getting rid of the bathtub and getting a walk in shower anyways.

Not gonna lie though I have sat down on the shower floor when I've been dizzy. But I can always do that again.

I have managed to not email you today. I am working hard. I miss you. I have to get used to you not being here for me.

You didn’t care about me at all did you? I emailed you to say I was sorry for failing and letting you down and being such a difficult client to work with. That I understood that you had to do what was right for you by ending therapy with me.
I told you that I would miss you and and not to feel guilty for doing what you needed to. I said all of this despite by little child parts screaming ‘please don’t abandon me’ and my teenager parts screaming ‘f*** you’ and you can’t even take the time to acknowledge the email.
Not even a goodbye or wishing me well. Two years of twice weekly therapy and I don’t even get that from you. That hurts more than you ending sessions I think.
I’m heartbroken.

Dear T,

I think maybe I just needed to admit that fear about my parents today. Sorta wish I'd done so closer to the start of session, as I felt like I was ISO a topic much of the time (well, I was also afraid to go anywhere particularly risky). But I feel better having gotten that out.

Love,
LT

"My tears matter."

Learning more from this woman than you.

I am so ANGRY about you taking holidays. Why do you need to go on holiday? I didn't authorise it. It's not like your job is hard work, sitting on your arse all day. It feels so shameful. I am going to really try and speak about it today rather than kick off, but at some point the shame will kick in and then I will go off on one, I know I will, especially if you start trotting out cliches. Given that you rely on hackneyed crap so much of the time it all seems inevitable. I am ANGRY.

There's a certain George Harrison song that takes me to the brink of a panic attack even now...and yet it still feels like the most appropriate 'soundtrack' to this moment in time.

For god's sake, I don't want either of those stupid transitional objects, it's far too personal. I don't want stupid objects or meaningless reassurances. I want you to listen to what I am saying without reacting from your place of insecure attachment. You can refer to learned secure attachment all you like, but your insecurities are written all over you. The fact that you didn't realise that I would find such objects a burden shows how little you understand me. Not all trauma clients are the same and your trauma response is not universal.

I took a shower in my own shower today. I did slip once but it wasn't a big deal.

My brother is looking into getting a therapist at the same place you work at. To be honest, I'm just glad he is finally getting the help he needs. Hes been with the same therapist since he was 13 and now he is 32 and his therapist is old and pretty much useless and a bit senile.

But overall I've been ok besides some dumb strange pain last night. My anxiety has been ok and I haven't felt the need to email you since we last met.

I am more then a bit nervous about getting pain shots "down there." I know you'll totally understand my fears.

My worry monster tricked me. He was only in hibernation for a while. This whole surgery thing has woken him up big-time and now he's grabbing onto every.little.thing. he can get his hands on and trying to make me a worried, anxious mess again. Boo.

I’m glad I kept notes.

11.07.23

“That’s real progress” .

“Deep breaths It’s going to require bravery and faith. I’m not going to leave you stranded. Put you on the middle of the tightrope and say right goodbye Lemon , good luck. “

Except you did.

Dear T,
Made it to the beach (drive was easy, though I left later than I'd wanted to--as H put it, semi-affectionately--"It is you."). Things were going well at the pool with my parents and D--until it suddenly very much wasn't. To the point that I thought H and D might be heading home tomorrow. And I wished I could talk to you in that moment. But I managed.

Decided to try dinner out with H and D anyway, and despite a few shaky spots, it ultimately went OK. So...we'll see? Still sorta wish I was talking to you tomorrow, but Wed. makes the most sense, as the halfway point (and don't really want tomorrow and Thursday). Plus, I know I could always email. Or if things go terribly south tonight/in the morning, I could ask if you have something tomorrow. But fingers crossed...(I know, that doesn't work for you!)

Love,
LT

What IS it about this confounded relationship?! i want to come back. No, I don't. Yes, I do. NO I DON'T!

I don't think I can do this, L. If I'm struggling so much now, how the hell am I going to survive when you're not here? You're right, I won't have the attachment bond that I have with you with J and G. They won't be able to meet that type of emotional need I have.

I was in your area today. I didn't have much anxiety. Didn't pay all that much to my surrondings besides getting in and out of the car which is a habit. No one paid any attention to me. I got stuff done. I guess I'm more concerned about these pain shots and my overall health issues like why I keep waking up violently coughing and whats up with this blood boil returning, then I am about going out grocery shopping.

Thank you for working with me on Friday... and seemingly to understand why I would panic immediately at that change.

Thank you for the warm smile that seemed to reach your eyes when we talked about last session.

How am I going to do this without you in my corner? I wonder if you too see Friday as kind of the turning point in this saying goodbye.

Today, I stopped myself from saying that you'll be gone, when the anger flared a little. It's hard to keep up the good fight when everything seems to point to nothing.

Friday. Seems like it is tomorrow and feels like it is a mile of days.