Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hey L. So likely there wasn't any there for you, like you said, and that's fine - but there sure was for me! I was thinking about it this morning in the shower for some reason. And it came to me - that perhaps this is because it was inside me all along, and I brought it there; I just didn't know it... it wasn't in the "relationship" itself, but the "relationship" gave me the space, even the permission, to find it. So thank you for that. Maybe now I can for real move forward knowing it's still inside me. I'm so grateful.

eta: don't you just love how **** like this randomly pops into my brain like months after you have said something?!

Dear T,
So I guess it turned out it was your mistake in thinking you'd hit "send" on your reply, then didn't. Sigh... I don't want to make a thing of this, but maybe it could continue the OCD discussion, how something like this can affect me? From initially fearing you were dead, to thinking you were annoyed because you sent a one-word reply to my other email without acknowledging the initial one. I don't know--maybe discussing OCD will be different to you if it involves you, rather than the other thing? I certainly don't want a conflict... I want to feel connected like on Friday (and all of last week, really). I also think that may be why I had such a strong reaction to this, because I felt so connected to you Friday, but I also feel I shouldn't tell you that.
Sigh.

Love,
LT

I've never told you about mixing meds. Thats one of the things that started the rupture with my transference T. It was probably the main thing to be honest. But my pdoc sent a jack *** no help reply and the doctor I saw today was transphobic and the office staff were weird too and I'm just wondering whats up all of a sudden. So I did what I did to get some effing relief.

Unsure of how you'll feel about me temporarily living with another residential/IOP patient. You'll probably think--but not say--that stopping my meds is a bad idea. You'll probably say that going to that concert will be a bad idea. And it totally is. It's going to be 100% triggering, but I think I can handle it.

Dr. S. Thank you for the reply yesterday. I think it will be helpful for a long time. It may even be what allows me to move on, in combination with the reality of what you are dealing with in your personal life. I'm going to really try to not email you except for periodic updates. And I'll talk to Dr. D about that before I do. It maybe that I don't need to send you those updates. Try to be a friend, that way, and not an attached and messed up patient.

I also wonder what would happen if things shifted in your personal life say in the next weeks (like <90 days). It seems like things could shift for you fairly unexpectedly and quickly. I'm not sure if you would really want me back. Sometimes I feel like that kid in the classroom that you like well enough because they are not a bad kid; however, once the kid is gone, you realize how much energy they sucked out of you.

I guess I can fantasize for a while that you might open up your practice again or not really get it completely closed before things shift. It's only human to wish for something it is losing - something it doesn't want to lose. Bargaining/denial... who knows which it is.

Be safe.

PS. I wonder if you will really not respond to my last email. I said no reply needed. Will you respect that or will you respond as always? It will be interesting to see how you handle it.

ps from yesterday: that last thing i said... well I suppose that means the therapy continues only internally, huh.

My colleague seems to think we can plan a workshop two days before we have to deliver it, and also that I do not have a life.

I can't be coherent for a work meeting after a therapy session...and I can't reschedule with you, because I'm also working on the Tuesday.

Officially 61 days without you.

I reached a goal we spent a whole year talking about. I did think about messaging you about it, but didn't in the end. Just didn't see the point

I have almost a month off with holidays.

Day 1 back at the gym.

Dear T,

Happy 6 years!

Love you,
LT

5 weeks without you. I’m barely surviving, the pain is just too much.
Last night I dreamt you came to my house for some reason with a friend. I opened the door slowly and your friend came and and playfully tried to dig me in the ribs. I screamed in his face ‘don’t touch me’ and shut down. I heard him say to you ‘oh she doesn’t like being touched does she’ and you replied ‘no she doesn’t not by strangers, what did you do?

You came in and saw that I was shut down and panicking and you came and sat next to me and talked so gently to me. When that didn’t help, you paused for a few seconds and then put an arm around my shoulder and gently pulled me in to you and put your other arm around me as well. I began to sob and you held me.. After a couple of minutes I began to calm down and relaxed in to you and then broke away. Afterwards you said to me ‘I know you are wondering why now when I’ve always refused. The only answer I can give is that I knew it was what was needed in that moment.’ And you began crying.

I know it was only a dream but it felt so real and so pure. There was no feelings of transference going on in that moment, just a deep connection between a therapist and his client, between two human beings. It was so beautiful and tender.

When I woke up, even though I was aware it hadn’t been real, I didn’t want to move out of my cocoon as I desperately didn’t want to lose feelings that I was experiencing. I don’t really know what they were, I’ve never experienced them before. It was just a sense of warmth. I think it might have been a feeling of safety and a level of deep gentle connection with another human being that was brand new to me. How can a dream elicit feelings like that? Feelings that I longed for in our sessions?
I lay there for as long as I could before it disappeared. I can’t remember what it felt like now.

I wish it could have been different. I wish you had cared like this in real life. I wish you hadn’t abandoned me.

Like you said "Of course, I'm your therapist" yes, you are, even when I'm not seeing you regularly. And I want to talk to you now. I had such a wonderful time with my son the last few days but despite that, I'm struggling with something; it's just, well, I saw first-hand a healthy relationship between my son and his gf - the respect and consideration they have for each other, etc. It's been so long since h really showed me either that I have lost both for him as well and it's just, in my mind i feel like we're together only for the convenience of having a 2-income household now. When my sister was here visiting while I was in the hospital in June he apparently gave her the impression that he loves and cares about me. Well if that's true then I wonder why I don't feel that? I feel like I'm just an annoyance to him (well except for when I'm waiting on him hand and foot as he expects me to do, of course). Several times on our trip when I'd say something he'd just totally ignore me and launch into some semi-related-to-what-I'd-said (so I know for a fact he heard me) story that made him look like mr big man. My son could tell i was getting frustrated and would just give me a look that said "just ignore him, mom". I'm tired of being treated like a servant. That's not what marriage is supposed to be about. And I don't even know how to begin trying to talk with him about how I feel.

Today the Online Safety Bill (formerly known as the Online Harms Bill) became law in the UK.

It'll take a while for things to change, but I'm so relieved that it's been implemented now.

I don't believe in restricting information or censorship

I sent those 3 frantic paranoid emails on Monday. Then I went off the stomach med that night. Yesterday and today were great and I actually left my house both days without an issue and I'm not freaking out anymore about what anyone thought on Monday at the doctors. I knew the issue with me was med related so I did something about it.

hey L. I just dug up some of the poems I wrote in the deepest depths of my depression, now some 14 years ago. wowsa, i was in a dark place. I wonder what you would have thought of me had you known me then, instead of meeting me after I'd already been on antidepressants for 2 years.

I told you last night I gained a ton of weight. Because according to the scale I've put on some weight. And I know we're meeting today in person for the first time since June. But I looked at my progress pictures from May. And I seem to look about the same or a bit better now. My mom said so too. So I think you are expecting this whale to come in when probably whats going to come in is some muscular dude with severe messed up BDD.

Hi R,

I think any future engagement with that video (or any other....) needs to be a beginning of session activity.

I was feeling so much today that I kind of let it slide, but it's important to have enough time to emerge neatly.

You're right, though...I do have a need to do these anniversaries 'correctly'.

Like he gives a damn about how I navigate them now.

It's safe to say that I don't know what to do with myself at this point.

I didn't expect to spend 10 days in limbo after the WSPD service....and that's where we should have started, but we only had an hour.

Today was one of those sessions where I could have gone on for longer.

See you Thursday,

Lost

I've been trying to get my stomach under control all morning. I don't even care if you are hard on me about food today. I threw up the cookie I ate for lunch and the other stuff I ate is what started this all. I'm trying just anything right now to make it to the session. Because I would louse up not only your schedule, but a few other peoples schedules too if I switched to remote.

Well you didnt deny my weight gain. But you didn't make a big deal out of it either. My mom said you looked like you gained weight so maybe you just knew you weren't one to talk or something. Sorry if thats rude.

My mom dropped me off at home and went right to Walgreens while I went to the bathroom. I had the garbage can going too but I didn't throw up

Idk why the many doctors I've seen haven't mentioned these Sea Bands for my severe nausea. They aren't bad tbh and don't have any medcine in them like you said.

Dr. S. Next Friday would have been 8 yrs and it would be our last session if I had not ended early. I can't believe it's only been 2 wks. I still think about contacting you and asking to see you on next Friday (this was before I had the anniversary reminder). I think had I not left early and got the reminder it would have been really even harder. Then again last night's dream with you clearly avoiding a session with me, so late in coming to get me and then once we did get connected you saying that you didn't think you could stay out the 6 wks you had agreed to. How the dream unfolded - really has left me feeling like you have moved on - or had to move on. Time is moving so slow right now because of several things.

Dear T,
Hope you don't end up irritated with me for requesting the extra session today, especially if you're adding onto your day for it. Maybe you have someone at 5, so it was just an open slot. But then, as you would say, if you offered it to me and are irritated about it, that's on you. I guess I'm more concerned you'd be annoyed that I explained in an email, but I didn't want to do so in a text, even though you said "Hope you're OK."

And the main reason I'm asking if anything earlier opens up is that I'm concerned my doctor will run late and that I'd end up being late for the session. I wanted to tell you that I may be taking a nap this morning, so if you text, and I don't respond, to just assume it's a "no." But that's complicating things. I figure if you text and don't hear back in like 5 minutes, then you'll just assume that as a default. Maybe I should just say "never mind, I'll see you at 4." But maybe by some chance you'll get a call with some sort of notice?

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Thank you for the empathy yesterday. You simply listened without judgement, ego or defensiveness. It felt very authentic and repairative.

And thank you for the brief but safe and gentle hug as I left your office. It's fascinating how such a simple, human gesture of kindness can be so incredibly healing-particularly during times of feeling so much stress, shame and vulnerability.

I’m really excited to see you for the first time since July. I was such a sh/+show and now I’m actively seeking out sober environments and staying away from liquor stores and other triggers (well except for the concert, but I wasn’t going to spend $200 to get wasted when I could’ve picked up a $10 bottle of vodka on the way there). Im not even carrying enough money to buy any alcohol.

I’m not taking some of my meds and I lied about it to the IOP doc because I told him I would take them as prescribed.

I have to head home Sunday night and with Nutshell playing rn I would be crying if I could let myself be vulnerable.

And of course Spotify has to advertise Tito’s every fking commercial break like it’s not triggering at all.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. You shared some of yourself there (including that you apparently watch "Below Deck" sometimes), and that helped. That you weren't just like, "So here is a way to figure out what helps you and what doesn't," but "here is what I do." Meaning that you struggle with it as well. I'm going to try to work on that next week.

Of course, I was fishing for you to say you wouldn't try to avoid having another of me, but you did a pretty good job dodging that, by stating some of why I make a good client. I hope you're glad I've stayed with you 6 years, too. Or at least not regretful. I know I can be a challenge at times, but we challenge each other. And we've both grown from that.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Also, I talked to H about the Covid stuff. Feeling a bit better about that now. Thanks for encouraging me to do that and suggesting some of the language.

Love,
LT