Couch 246: Choose Change

I would totally donate afghans!

Holy carp. What a carp of a t. My t told me he still has his first teddy bear.

Thanks for sharing! I'm concerned for that client, though as a few comments said, how does a psychodynamic T not know what a transitional object is? They mention fearing being thought of as a "weirdo" and it made me think of my telling Dr. T that I got comfort from holding the stone and making the error of adding, "I hope that's not weird." Which, as those who have been here a long time know, got the response of "Only about 10% weird." Which next session became "10% creepy."

He does seem to get it now, at least...Hope this person's T will rise to the occasion! Instead of acting like they're strange.

Oh, and something Dr. T said the other day made me realize he tends to think about things in percentages. I don't think I shared this part here. I know I mentioned about wanting to be able to update him on H's surgery (I'm over that conflict now, and things seem fine--I really think that was stress over the surgery bubbling over into other stuff).

But it led to a discussion on what reasonable expectations are from people based on relationships. And he was giving an example with my backup T, R, who rents space from him (but they're each solo practitioners). He said, "I mostly think of her as a colleague. She's maybe a 5-10% friend." I looked at him a bit puzzled, but didn't ask what exactly that meant.

He was giving an example of if she asked him to watch her kids for a few hours, he'd think that was a bit odd, but wouldn't tell her that and would be willing to do it. I asked if it would be less weird if it was a neighbor, where he saw the kids regularly. He said yes, that was a good example. That he thought of one particular neighbor, how if she asked him to watch her kids because she had to take her husband to the hospital, he'd say "Of course." But then he said that if she asked him to do that again a month later, he'd think, "What exactly does she think our relationship is?"

He's also referenced before (in relation to my texts a couple years ago confirming in-person) how it's OK if a neighbor asks to borrow sugar once, even two times, but a third time, it becomes an issue. (He mentioned it again the other day.) It feels like he has all these guidelines in his head as to what is acceptable vs. not (in his outside life, too) and just assumes everyone else will know what they are, that they have the same guidelines. You know who that reminds me of? My mom.

Atat, can't you use something like "Could you copy me on the email?". It omits both of the wordings you have given, so nobody gets annoyed.

Yeah, she could. My current problem is trying to figure out how to suggest a change gently without making it seem like either I or everyone else hates her.

She’s kind of a tense person.

My person was really good at this sort of thing - I have been trying to remember some of the things she did to help both her grad students and her colleagues on this sort of matter. If I remember anything useful, I will let you know.
My law school are a little more direct and blunt than other academic departments like the Humanities. My person used to interrupt me when we were out with her colleagues and tell them "Stopdog is a lawyer and they're like that" and when we were out with mine - she was just as different as I was with hers - mostly because it would take her forever to get to the actual point and it was often couched so (to us) non-bluntly that people missed it.

I agree. To me “kindly” feels both more formal and feels a little grating, probably because it sometimes is used by native English speakers in a patronizing or condescending way.

A person who did not grow up with that context probably means it literally and doesn’t intend (or receive) the subtext. Can you approach it from that standpoint, placing it in a cultural/language context?

Also, just throwing out there for curiosity- does she have to change it? Even if everyone hates it.

I love that phrase, do the needful. I don’t remember where I first heard it, I think from an Indian acquaintance. I use it on myself (mostly in my head) all the time.

Did a little hiking this morning and I saw a crested saguaro - never seen one before, they're apparently pretty rare. From nps.gov: "'Cristate' or 'crested' saguaros form when the cells in the growing stem begin to divide outward, rather than in the circular pattern of a normal cactus. This is an unusual mutation which results in the growth of a large fan-shaped crest at the growing tip of a saguaro’s main stem or arms."

Anyway, it is cool looking.

That is really cool! Thanks for sharing.

While we're sharing pics: Snow from Dr. T's parking lot yesterday (taken through car windshield).

So pretty on the trees!

The whole drive there (lots of trees), I just kept thinking "this is so beautiful." Made me glad I'd made the drive instead of doing virtual (I was on the fence, as it was still snowing). Got about 5 inches total, I think?

Artie that is phenomenal!

I know you guys are waiting for the new couch!

isn't it cool looking??

Do you have some phobia about lett8ng the couch reach a thousand posts?

Like millephobia or some such?

Just tryin to get some conversating going!

Oh how i hate that word!!!!!!

just for you, @@ i will

post until this couch reaches

1000 posts even though

i really don't have anything to say

that's worth a hill of beans

but i don't feel like working this morning either, so here you go!