Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I kind of hope you switch to remote tommorow. Mainly because I'm lazy.

Dear T,

A couple things: I felt very validated today, regarding the H yelling stuff. So thank you for that. And not putting it on me as overreacting, as it felt ex-MC tended to do.

Also, I keep thinking of how you said you held that one male teen client's hand all session when his parent had passed away. I had wanted to ask you about a brief handshake in the middle (instead of just at the end) of the session two Sundays ago where I was having a panic attack. It would have been an obvious opening today, when you mentioned that, to ask if you might have done that with me. Like 30 seconds, not the whole session. But it might have been especially painful if you'd said no.

I suppose I could ask if you'd ever be willing to do a pre-session (if I'm feeling really anxious/we'd had a conflict--I've wondered this before) or mid-session handshake, with the expectation that you'd say no. And thinking if you'd say "yes" or "maybe," that would be a positive? Though if it's a "no" (or "probably not"), maybe we could talk about other options for nonverbal grounding, connection, etc. Like what someone on Quora described with client and therapist each squeezing their own hands on their respective laps from across the room, with no actual touching. Or, I don't know, if you could hold some stone in your hand, then set it on the ottoman for me to pick up and hold. So it's like a connection, but no actual touch. I'll think about whether it's worth asking.

Love,
LT

Thank you.

My mom isnt too happy. She says you switch too much.

Hi R,

I've never been in the practice of telling you what I think you want to hear, so I don't know why this has come up now...but when we began talking about me forgiving Steve, as I reflected on that afterwards...

If that is a goal, then it's not now, not yet.

I still don't recognise the landscape of my life or my inner world these days.

Being able to cry or express emotion in other ways is movement to me.

We know that I struggle with anger, because anger is violence in my mind.

I found myself thinking on Tuesday...Faith is less about what happens afterwards than what helps sustain me now. I'm not even sure what that looks like in the aftermath of this.

I keep looking for resources, but nobody else is having my experience, so that doesn't really work.

I hope you return from your break refreshed so that we can explore this new facet of the work together.

Take care,

Lost

tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we last met. why am i even counting?!

You did look like crap today so I knew you really were sick. But it was a good session anyways.

The person above me had a slow water leak. The original water stain was always there, but it was tiny. it grew bigger overnight. I now also have pink mould growing on my celling and wall.



My landlord already came out this morning to see it after I messaged him. He said he fixed the issue above, and it needs to dry out first.

I laughed at how minor this was given what's going on in the world.

It's natural for humans to mark the passage of time. Counting the days could also be a reflection of the significance of your relationship with t, even if you're not consciously aware of it. Counting also keeps you connected even though the relationship is over.

You stop counting, when you stop counting.

Dear T,

I understand your wanting to think about it. But after session, I realized: If you think about it, considering my fairly detailed explanation of what exactly I meant, and *then* say it's not OK, I think that would actually feel worse than if you'd just said "no" outright. Because then, I could think, "Maybe you misunderstood what I'm asking." And maybe you still could be.

But if I come in Monday, and you're like, "Yeah, I thought about it, and I wouldn't be comfortable with that, even if it's very occasionally," I know I would struggle with that. Unless you could give a really clear explanation and would offer up alternatives. Or be open to what I suggest, as I didn't fully explain them today.

And seriously, you should have known better than to give the "I love you" hanging out there example for the one thing I was talking about... Though maybe it possibly helped you understand how awkward that was for me, back when that happened? If you somehow hadn't comprehended that already, from our various discussions about it?

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Also, H told D to "shut up" tonight, and it really bothered me. He said to me (not to her) a bit later that he shouldn't have snapped at her. But he doesn't seem to get why "shut up" isn't OK (unless maybe in some extreme circumstance, like if you're waiting for instructions in an emergency).

I think you have a similar opinion of "shut up," so you'd get it. I've been validated in a women's Facebook group I'm in, so that's helping.

Love,
LT

I have this strange feeling that you are enough.

I didn't really think that therapist I worked with was as horrible as you guys said she was. I know she said some pretty off color remarks to me about my appearance and then just left me hanging at the end. She did somewhat help in some ways though like lowering my copay and calling poison control for me and talking me through it instead of sending me IP. But to say she has absolutly no business being a therapist is kinda harsh. Idk. Maybe she did way worse to other people. But I don't really hold a grudge.

Dear T,
Sad I won't be able to see you in person tomorrow, but with the flu running around my house, I can't risk it. Hope I can at least see you in person Friday, if nothing else.

I hope you've thought about the handshake question, but I also worry if the answer is "no," that it will be especially hard for me if it's over the computer. Because then there wouldn't be the normal session-ending handshake for nonverbal reassurance. Part of me wants to say to wait to tell me until we're in person, but what if that's not until Friday? But then I'm also afraid I'll ask about it, and you'll say, "Oh, I haven't had a chance to think about it." Which I could understand, but still... I guess I don't know what all there is to think about? I don't even know that I'd ever even actually ask for it. Maybe it would help if I told you that... How I just want to know if it's an option, should I want that one session.

I also wanted to talk about a thing with H, but I imagine he'll be sitting right downstairs with his door open, because D is staying home tomorrow. I guess I could type it in Zoom and wear headphones, but that feels awkward. Maybe we can just talk about writing, as I watched the intro to my upcoming course.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

I admit it does bother me a bit that you didn't think about it--but at least you were honest, I guess? I don't call it lying though, like I said. I'm glad you gave a "qualified yes." I really don't get what's so weird about the logistics? You tend to be very hung up on those. Can't we just make it work? If it's a little awkward, OK. A lot of things are.

Also, it sucks that you'll likely be away over Spring Break, but I'm glad you'll still be meeting with clients virtually. From what you said, I think you're just going to be staying elsewhere to focus on your research article. I wish I could offer up my copy-editing services to you, but of course that's a dual relationship. (But wish I could exchange those for session fees!)

But that combined with today, possibly Wed. virtual, plus at least one virtual session when I'm at the beach (and likely only one in-person session that week), I guess I won't be spending much time in your office this month. Just worried I'll feel all disconnected again. It also felt like you were trying to get rid of me precisely at the 50-minute mark today. Maybe you had to pee or something.

Which reminds me, good to know that bathroom is still an option mid-session if needed.

Love,
LT

I'd hate to think that Dr. T is so tyrannical that he'd prevent you from using the bathroom if required.

I hope you're able to maintain some sense of connection.

Thanks, Lost. To clarify, it's a bathroom in his office suite that I think is meant for the other clinicians. There's also a public one in the building, in the main hallway, but I'd have to go through the waiting room, past the elevator, and across the hallway, and *then* he'd have to let me back into the office suite (there's a locking door between the waiting room and offices for security). So if I was really upset, I might have to walk past people in the waiting room twice, plus take up a chunk of time.

He let me use the office suite one on a recent Sunday (had an earlier session) to splash water on my face when i was really upset because no one else was there (he said it was fine because of that). He said today that it's OK in emergencies. And generally midsession. But if it's between 15 minutes till and the hour, clinicians will probably need to be using it, as it would be between sessions. I guess I need to time my panic or bathroom need for that?

Dear T,

You probably wish I just wouldn't see you for the rest of the month so you could just get your work done. I'm just an obstacle on your path to fame with your preferred psychological subject. I want to email you about it, but it would just eat up more of your time, and you'd probably be all "oops, sorry, didn't have time to reply."

And now H is annoyed with me and again gave me the "would you let me finish?"

J's probably gone, too. And like you said, i should wait a week to check in.

D didn't even want me to walk down the stairs past her room because she didn't want to have to look at me. (I mean, she's sick, but honestly, this is more a sign she's getting back to her normal, mom-hating self.)

At least I have the one friend who still wants to talk to me--for now, at least. She'll probably be tired of me soon, too. And a few people on here (who I think of as friends, too.)

Wish I could go to the beach tomorrow and stay for a month to recharge. Then, maybe I could come back a relaxed person who is a more tolerable spouse, parent, friend, and client.

Love,
LT

You're allowed to take time off, and yet I wish there wasn't such a relationship between you taking time off and me going through something frigging ridiculous that I can't really talk to anyone else about.

Ten more sleeps...

You can talk to us here, Lost. Feel free to PM me.

today i am a little bit missing what we used to be, in the before.

but, it's okay. it was going to have to come to this eventually, you know. I should never have come back. Let's hope I learned my lesson this time.