Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

i am afraid to call you tomorrow. part of me doesn’t want to, just wants to wait until wednesday. i mean if i did, it will probably be fine. i survived the weekend, didnt i?

but a part of me wants to let you know how terrible this weekend was. i dont know what to do.

I bet you follow Tess Holliday.

Dear T,

Session with R went well today. She did a good job of tying what I thought were rather disconnected strings together in a way that made a lot of sense. I mean, you and I may have reached that same place had you not been away this week--I think we were heading there, as there was quite a bit that came out of last week's sessions with you. Important work.

I also had a nice lunch with my friend.

I really hope you're safe and having a relaxing trip--or productive trip or whatever adjective would best describe it, as I don't know what you're doing--I mean, maybe you're visiting a dying relative or something. I suppose that's the idea behind not telling me.

Miss you.

Love,
LT

thanks t for seeing me for what accounts to as 4 days in a row, minus the weekend. and that you are okay with and understand the need for more support right now.

also, i may be making a new record in now fast one can reach their deductible, haha.

I feel kinda weird showing you those before pictures of me. You said it was ok but just the whole pre everything pictures are really different I wonder how you reacted when you saw them.

You were supposed to be gone as of Friday last week. And your name and picture are still on the group practice website. And you're still showing up as in-network on the insurance website. I guess things take time to update, but what if this was all some kind of scam? What if you really didn't leave and I went through all of this for no reason? Intellectually, I know this isn't the case. But you know me and how I think about things. I miss you so much.

I wish it was still possible to see you on random days when I’m really struggling.

I know you are uncomfortable taking credit for me getting better, but maybe you could let it in a little bit. I meant what I said.

Hi R,

Thank you for bearing with me whilst I figure this out...to the extent that is possible.
I appreciate your assurance that I've done nothing wrong in asking the question.

The choices that were made on Steve's behalf will always be a mystery to me, but I may have the opportunity to choose differently in this scenario.

It's about having the courage (my word of the year, ironically...) to ask the right question to the right person.

Speak soon,

Lost

You aren't here right now, so writing here will have to do instead. I'm finding things a bit difficult right now, doing my best to carry on, to keep going. You know, writing this I realise that maybe that's half the problem. Not giving space to what is truly going on for me. The nightmare I had the other day was one of the worst I have had for a fair while. The feeling of utter terror. Something new happened though, in that it actually shocked me to realise that that fear is still very much living inside of me. I have never put two and two together in such a way before.

I want to write more, there is SO much in my head and on my heart, but it feels like too much to put into words.

Dear T,

I'm worried about something (well, many things, but this one pertains to you in particular, due to something H's mom said). I want to email you about it, but I'm not sure you'd be willing or able to give a fully satisfactory answer. Plus, there's still a lot of week left, and I wouldn't want to email you more than once, if I can avoid it. So, just going to sit with it for now. Maybe talk about it briefly with R Thursday (assuming our session doesn't get canceled by weather/school closure).


Love,
LT

Dear R,

It really means a lot that you said you'd be there for me and could be my T, at least for a while, if something happened to Dr. T or if he moved to Canada or something. I thought you'd really be hedging, like, "Well, it would depend on what was going on in my job then" or a nonanswer with "I doubt you'll have to deal with that." But you gave me what I needed, and it seemed genuine. So, thank you for that.

You also gave me lots of good things to think about in our two sessions--as usually happens with you! Though I imagine maybe that's partly because I don't see you that often, so your insights seem fresh and new to me. And I'm glad you're so understanding about my attachment to Dr. T, even though, as I said today, "Yeah, I know he doesn't seem like the sort of person one would get attached to!" You did smile at that.

Love (and I think you'd be OK with my feeling that),

LT

Hi R,

We're going to have to talk about this properly, but when we were talking about my fear of being judged for asking about arrangements pertaining to Julio...I had a moment of insight.

My fear of judgment for using my voice and asking for what I need is nothing compared to the impact that Steve's fear of judgment had on him.

I'm not finished with that experience, and I'm so grateful that you appreciate that.

Love,

Lost

Dear T,

Today was tough. I can't believe how much I opened up to you and cried today. There is so much more I need to talk about. 45mins went by so fast today. I usually watch the clock but today I didn't and I felt more present today. Thank you for being patient and helpful. How do you do it, remember what I have said? With so many clients.

Dear T,

I kinda want to email you, but I don't know what I want to say, and I don't know what I'd want back, so, yeah, I'll just hold off on that.

Miss you.

Love,
LT

why must i keep trying? it just gets worse.

Dear T,

OK, I managed to not email you. I suspect I'll send something this evening to confirm you got back OK and to let you know that I want to do virtual with your having traveled, as you said that I should think about how I want to handle that. I suspect Wed. might be virtual anyway due to the weather. Though I would like to see you in person. Eh, I'll ponder it.

(Note: This is where I wish I knew more about what you'd been doing, like if you'd been on a cruise? Yeah, not seeing you in person for a bit. If you were just, say, visiting family or friends and masked on any planes, I'd feel safer about seeing you.)

Safe travels.

Love you,
LT

I thought I had said everything to you, but now I’m wondering what it would be like to see you one more time. I’d have to pay out of pocket, of course. I’d get to see your new office. I could tell you the stuff that’s come up since our last session in December. But then what? Would it be enough? Or would it just intensify the grief and longing? This is all your fault!!!!!

I know you keep doing things special for me. And I know you’re trying to prove you care and love me. I also know you never intend to hurt me. It’s just so hard to hold. Maybe this recent transitional object is enough to hold me for a long time? I’m mean, it was a huge gesture. I know you’re trying. I’m trying too.

I went to a&e this evening because I thought I was dying. Spent hours there just to have the doctor laugh at me because of my ‘demeanour’ and that I seemed ‘wired’. She wiped the smile off her face when she saw my SH scars. Anyways 5 hours later I’m back home and nothing is changed.

Hi R,

It's been quite a week, and it's only Tuesday.
Looking forward to unpacking the experience I had over the weekend when we meet.

Two more sleeps.

Dear Ex T,

I had hoped that by avoiding contact with you I would think of you less, but that doesn't appear to working. I still think of you a great deal, and miss you a whole heap. I don't know whether this will ever subside. I never ever would have imagined that I would voluntarily cut contact with you, but it just got to the point where I wasn't happy with such a one sided relationship, and you were seemingly unwilling to change that. Despite, I believe, wanting you. You said you would love to meet up and chat, yet when you thought it through and sought supervision you decided against it. Did you say 'for now?'. Or something along those lines. It's been three years though, and I'm very settled in my work with current T now. I don't know. I do believe your heart wants more, but your work head prevents you from it, and that's sad for me. I think we could make it work, quite easily, but I guess it isn't to be, because of not now, then when? I assume never. Of course that makes me sad, because I don't understand why we would waste something so pure, but I can't change it and I have to respect your wishes. I want to respect your wishes. You always replied to my messages so nicely, so quickly, yet you were never the one to message first. It feels like I've left the ball in your court this time and you haven't yet decided to play. I'm not sure you ever will.........

Hi R,

Thank you for being with me throughout this strange process.
I appreciated feeling your 'I've got you' when I read my colleague's message.

Shame I had to embarrass myself by asking the church warden's wife whether it would be streamed, but I think I have an idea of how I'm going to honour him when the time is right.

Speak soon,

Lost

Of course, I've just realised why that conversation was so awkward for me.
Well, likely for them too...but 'They wanted people there who knew him...'

Those 30 minutes that I spent in his presence were impactful, but it's hard to say whether I knew him.

You figured out at 11pm that you couldn’t make it to our 11am session? 12 hrs notice. Thanks! It’s bs that if I were to do that to you, you’d charge me, but you doing it to me is okay.

ETA: You know I woke up 2 hours early so I could pack, go to my mom’s, and take a shower there? All for you because I don’t want you to ever have to touch me unclean.