Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy Part 2

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

It's really hard when the meaning of these things seems to change over time.
Nobody can take your feelings away from you.

Sending hugs, if wanted.

Lost

Hugs, Scarlet. I've had similar experiences in looking at past Dr. T emails, where they can still really sting and make me feel negatively about him, even though they were from, say, 5 years ago. Dr. T would say to just not read them (which is easier said than done). But I get how the temptation is there, especially in this case for you when It's a similar situation. Do you think it could help to talk to her about it?

Thanks Lost and LT.

Yes, I did talk to her about it. She confirmed she would never rub anything in my face and that she cared very deeply about my infertility grief. I heard her get very emotional. It might sound mean, but I like it when she gets emotional because it’s evidence of her true feelings. Anyways… She said she didn’t remember the email, but she must have only said those things because I asked. Which is true. She said she would never do that this time knowing how painful things are. I told her I believe her and she asked me how. I told her that she’s never rubbed my face into anything before and that I know her to be honest. And that’s true too.

The email still hurts. Her describing her current pregnancy as “excited” hurts. But I don’t think she is trying to hurt me anymore.

Things are bad again. And L says she thinks it’s going to get worse because everything is so sensitive. But that’s like putting the blame on me.

Hugs if wanted, Scarlet.

Hugs Scarlet

This might seem backwards because of all the internal conflict and pain I feel, but L let me touch her belly/the baby. We both cried. She was so beautiful. Remember, she’s been hiding her bump from me so it’s not triggering to me. She said the baby moved when I was talking to her and she said the baby doesn’t move that much. Seriously, such a precious moment for me. I’m so grateful to have that opportunity seeing how I will probably never meet her. I got to touch her (the baby). The pain and conflict are still there AND I am so glad L gave me this gift.

4 more sessions.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm glad she let you do that and that it felt meaningful to you.

I have my countdown app going. She will be gone for 100 days. Same as last time.

This is my last week. I’m hurting so much. H is trying so hard to keep me distracted, and for the most part it’s working. But as soon as he stops, I sink back into my depression.

Appeal was denied. Now I go to the state. Last chance.

2 sessions left.

Yesterday’s 2 hr session went by too fast. I feel like I wasted it. I don’t think I got anything out of it. At least from the parts I remember.

She’s trying to teach me to tell the difference between real time and emotional flashback time. She also wants me to trust in myself.

I'm so sorry to hear this, Scarlet.

I am well aware that trusting in oneself takes time.
It's been hard to focus on anything else whilst you've been processing your feelings about this significant change.

I hope the latest appeal is successful.

Wishing you strength in the days ahead,

Lost

Hugs, Scarlet. I hope the state approves the appeal.


I hope your last couple sessions are more helpful and meaningful. Could it help to just do something more relaxed, like play a game?

Thanks Lost and LT.

We might be able to do a game. We’ve been doing connecting things/ questions everyday this week (e.g. Sharing a song, taking pictures of meaningful objects, describe something you find beautiful, etc.). We hold hands every session. And then we process whatever emotions are there. But a game would be nice, too.

I’ve also been quickly working on a baby blanket. After getting to touch her belly, I really felt the need to make one. It’s really simple, but still cute. It’s a bright pink, light pink, and orange. The border will be white. All I have left is the border. I hope to finish today so I can give it to her tomorrow. Just hoping the baby doesn’t come early.

I’m just so full of grief. It’s not even about missing sessions or phone calls, though there is a lot of grief about that. It’s about less communication. It’s about less time.

As for the appeal, it’s sent in. L and I requested an expedited decision which should take up to 7 days. But H told me that I can still see T even if we have to pay out of pocket. It just might not be weekly.

Already heard back from the state. They were actually checking in on me about my SI. That was nice of them. They said that they will be contacting my insurance.

That seems encouraging! Hope it works out.

Tomorrow is the last session.

I did ask if we can play a game. She said yes. We’re going to play Chutes and Ladders.

I gave her the baby blanket today. She loved it. And we did a connecting question: name something you like about yourself.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm glad she liked the blanket.

I hope you have a good, connecting last session before her leave.

It was a good session considering how much it hurt. We did 3 connecting questions and play the game. We talked about my fears of having T as my therapist. I think she spent most the time reassuring me and comforting me. We hugged twice, told each other to be safe, and then said goodbye.

I see my pdoc Tuesday, T and I will do a check in on Monday (it’s my anniversary with ex-T too), and I have my first session with T on Thursday. Oh, and neurologist on Friday.

L says that I can email and text as much as I want, she just can’t predict when she’ll respond. And we’ll have a check in video call sometime in May. She’ll be back June 17th, 100 days from now.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm glad it was a good session, even though it was painful. I'm glad you have some appointments this week.

How are you doing today?

Thanks LT.

To be honest, I don’t know how I’m doing. I guess okay considering everything. I haven’t had a breakdown! I haven’t even really cried. Maybe I’m in shock or numb? I am struggling with SI. But I’ve been keeping myself busy doing chores and organizing. H is helping distract by taking me out.

I got to talk to L one last time last night. We did reassurances, grounding, and then good nights.

My check in call with T sucked. I’m not sure I even want a therapist anymore during this leave. She asked me what I wanted to talk about and I didn’t know what to say. I asked her if she really was going to be there for me. She asked me how do I already know she would be. Then when I told her about the SI, she challenged me about using my skills. The call was like 9mins. So not much was said.

I emailed L today about a pantry that we just got and I organized. I sent her pictures. She did respond, so that was nice. I haven’t tried texting her yet.

And I just literally right now got a call from the homeless volunteer place. Really bad timing.

So I’m okay right now? Just trying. Just one thing at a time like L taught me.

I just wanted to say that I am keeping you in my thoughts Scarlet. Hugs

Thank you Taylor. It really means a lot to me.

Still am okay? However, a ton of physical symptoms since yesterday: chest pains, stomach pains, nausea.

My pdoc found a clinic that does Spravato in my area! I might get to try it. I have a consult on the 25th. Maybe that will help me too? Maybe I can get off some meds? I’m on 7 psych meds! Way too many.

I’ve heard from L 3 times now. I think that is comforting me: to know she’s not gone or cutting me off.

Still waiting to see what the DMHC says about insurance and T. Insurance gave me 2 more referrals, but both don’t treat my diagnoses.

I’m just trying.

Hugs, Scarlet. Glad you're doing OK. I hope the Spravato works out and helps you--I think that's what my friend used (nasal spray, right?) that helped her. And hope the insurance works out with T. Are you still seeing her later this week no matter what?