[MissCharlotte]

This past week i had a dream that I told T. In the dream I was making my way to his office. I couldn't find my way, and finally had to park my car and climb up a ladder and crawl through a tunnel. When I came out the other side I realized I was in the right place but I had left my wallet and my car keys behind. I tried to climb back through the tunnel to get them but I couldn't because there was too much stuff in the way.

I am working through some really difficult feelings of abandonment that my inner child experienced. She (me) has been crying a lot, having suicidal feelings and believed that T has abandoned her. She hung her head down in his office, cried and asked him why it hurt so much.

I think that I have to accept that she is me. I can't leave her behind on the other side of the tunnel when I go to T's or anywhere else. The thing is--she hurts so much she scares me sometimes. The intensity of her emotions is frightening.

She needs a lot of love.

[Mouse_]

(((sister))) I had a similar experience last night, except It was like I saw myself sitting as a very young gal frozen with shock and fear. I talked to her I told her I knew how she was feeling and she no longer has to be afraid and alone and that she no longer has to remain frozen in time, then I pictured myself taking her hand and walking with her. Today I feel almost like I want to begin to live life fully, I want to begin to notice the colour of the grass, notice what the actual day is like, I want to be here. Thta little girl finally allowed me to feel her feelings with her. I understand how scary this must be for you too!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( sister and little girl ))))))))))

Unless all the T's I've seen are delusional, I also have a little girl.

[Perna]

She does sound like the "key" {{{little Miss Charlotte}}}

[Kiya]

i am glad you had the realization - she needs you a lot, sister.
hugs to you both!

[chaotic13]

MissCharlotte,

I hope this realization is a good thing and you can comfort her like mouse did. If thats what your supposed to do with her.

Your share has got me thinking about something that happened to me this week.

My session began with my T seriously rattling me summarizing what I had disclosed about my past. She then asked me what the 10 yr old girl in my past was feeling. Honestly, I was thinking like, "WTF are you talking about?" She asked me to tell her what this girl was feeling, what should have been done to protect her, who should have protected her? I was totally lost. The intellectual me who physically attends therapy could not grasp what heck my T was talking about. In the end I think I simply said with a touch of sarcasm , "Ah, ..I don't know some new playmates", "Maybe ones who were nicer and her own age." ????? I was really confused by the whole conversation and just wanted to get up and walk out by that point.

Later when the 3:00AM (more emotional and abstract me) surfaced. I was able to mentally review the therapy dialog and put a some perspective on what my T was trying to do. I was able to see some of this girl. Freaky

Just once I wish I could have a therapy session at 3AM, I might actually be able to understand my T and get some benefit from her during the actual session.

If this little girl represents some hidden part of us that has to be acknowledged,brought to therapy, and dealt with now as adults, I can appreciate your fear!

[MissCharlotte]

McKell,

I don't know how long you have been working with T, but the first time my T asked me what I would say to my 12 year old self I told him I couldn't see her face. I had no clue what the heck was going on, or what he was talking about. It took months and months before I really became aware of my inner child, and the work continues because she hides away all the time.

It has taken me a year and five months to get to this point and I do not hold onto it easily. That is why I bought a teddy bear yesterday (see my response this morning to Kiya in Dissociative Disorders).

I agree. 3 a.m. therapy sessions would yield a treasure trove of info! But, then what time of day would we have those AHA moments? 12 noon when we re with our students? Ouch!

Stay the course. Just keep going. You are doing great and taking good care of little McKell. She needs you....

[chaotic13]

MissCharlotte, et al

I give you all a lot of credit for your willingness to embrace this...inner child. You seem so much more aware of what is going on than I am. Based on everyone's responses your Ts consider this as a normal (healthy) part of the therapeutic process.

Honestly, at this point I am just a little freaked out by all this. I started therapy a whole person who is in a less than fulfilling marriage. Then I realize that I have two connected but clearly distinct... personalities...moods...faces...whatever the correct term for these...halves is. Now I might have this inner child that needs care and coddling. I seem to be subdividing instead of integrating, I'm not sure this is a good thing.

If this is something my T is attempting to facilitate, she isn't explaining it to me very well. It also certainly doesn't seem like my T is trying to lure this inner child out of hiding with kindness and concern. Last week felt like she biffed me in the head with my writings. A little tough love to wake me up maybe???

I cannot image bring a bear to therapy at this point. I can see it now, walking in with my little teddy, T asking, "What's that?", me replying, "Oh, this... my alternate personality wanted me to bring it, its my inner child." T responds with.."Oooo..K... shall we continue...what on your mind today?"

I don't know what to make of all this. Maybe therapy and all the introspection I'm doing outside of it is creating a dissociative disorder instead of helping me. I'm going to have to seriously think about what I'm doing and whether it is in fact healthy. Does anyone else ever question the risk:benefit ratio of therapy?

[Mouse_]

Mckell, Having an inner child is normal, we all have them. T doesn't coax it out or anytthing like that, an inner child is all our old emtional memorys. I have never felt the need to take a bear or other item into T with me,. though I know others do, finding this hidden emotions and exploring them then helps us rebuild ourselfs so we are fully aware of all of ourselfs. Everyone has parts, but those that experienced trauma will have more distinct parts, and some will be less aware of them then others and some will intergrate easier then others, its nothing odd its normal. When I first entered therapy I talk about my little self as if she was in the room with us but not part of me as such, I'd say things like "her the btich" that has changed it happens gradually. when we first discover this about ourselfs it seems something new and odd, but its not. If you watch any person you will see they have moods and somedays they appear slightly moody lets say, but this doesn't cause them a problem in their day to day living. Dont worry you dont have to turn into a 3yr old for this to work.

[MissCharlotte]

((McKell))

et al?

I like to think of myself as a whole person who has just recently accepted the fact that there are parts of me that were hurt years ago and frozen in time because of the hurt. My hope is that by acknowledging my inner child I will be able to understand myself better, my reactions and my feelings and my relationships with myself and others.

I question the benefits of therapy approximately every other session--no I take that back, probably every session. It hurts like hell. Just the other day I said to whoever would listen that when I began therapy at least I was functioning better. But then I remembered what brought me into therapy to begin with and even though I was functioning better on the outside, I do not want to (and probably can't) be that same person again on the inside.

So I keep going. I wish I had the guts to bring this teddy with me, like a friend of mine did. But, I have played with beeswax in session, sort of like play do, to keep my hands busy.

Rather than think of it as a disorder, can you think of it as an awareness of self?

Peace

[Perna]

McKell, it doesn't have to be "mystical" or the "inner child" but just imagining (as my T worded it once) if you had your own daughter who was that age with the problems you had, what would you do for her, say to her, how would you comfort and care for her?

I've felt various ages in therapy, usually somewhere in the older teens. But my "inner child" was somewhere 2-5 years old and not the most verbal child in the world :-) so was heck to work with. Sometimes photographs helped; do you have any pictures of yourself at 10? Just gently excavate around your 10 year old self, what school you were at, if you remember any of your friends or classmates, route to school, what you liked to eat, etc. and more and more memories will come back as you do so.

[chaotic13]

OK... so having these separate parts is relatively normal not necessarily pathological. That is good to know. I wish my T would have told me that. Perna the way you asked the questions was exactly what my T eventually did. She told be to think about my youngest, how he would feel, how I would protect him, etc.. This was a little hard too because.. well I don't let my kids get into those types of situations.

Miss C.. I think your bear sounds cool. Maybe it can just hang out in the car for the ride to and from therapy.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mckell13 said:
I cannot image bring a bear to therapy at this point. I can see it now, walking in with my little teddy, T asking, "What's that?", me replying, "Oh, this... my alternate personality wanted me to bring it, its my inner child." T responds with.."Oooo..K... shall we continue...what on your mind today?"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I began bring a small teddy to therapy a few months ago. When i am feeling small, I hold the teddy-- when I am feeling like the adult, or feeling the anger, teddy goes back into my bag. Sometimes I have come to session without the teddy, or have left him in my bag. T will ask, "Where is therapy bear?" Before T switched offices he said, "Remember-- you can bring the bear." He has become a part of our therapy :-) One time T and I were talking about what would happen if I never came back to therapy. I said he would just fill the time slot. He said, "No one else brings a bear to therapy. You are the only one brave enough to bring along something like that to reveal yourself so openly."

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Does anyone else ever question the risk:benefit ratio of therapy?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I don't believe that there is a ratio. I believe that with everything that is revealed in in therapy, there comes a risk-- and with every risk, a benefit will emerge-- the time in between of course, depends on the processing. I don't see risk and benefit as separates in therapy-- I believe they go together.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil' T said:
"You are the only one brave enough to bring along something like that to reveal yourself so openly."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This was exactly my point in one of my previous posts on this thread. I think those of you who are accepting and embracing this inner aspect of yourself and most importantly sharing the experience with your T's and US are a lot braver than I am.

This thread has made me think about why I was so quick to think my experience was so abnormal/pathological. I've also been thinking about why I didn't particularly care for this image of myself. I guess that's the whole point. I've also been thinking... why is it that you all were told by your Ts that this is a normal part of therapy, just like transference, abandonment, and other stuff. Either a) I'm not listening to my T or b) she is neglecting to tell me about these things. Since I seem to be able to almost quote the dialog exchange during the hour, I don't think it is that I'm not listening.

Maybe my underlying issue is that I just can't seem to get myself to that level of comfort with either me or my T or both. I have disclosed EVERYTHING as far as I am aware and I am still incredibly guarded. Maybe I am just not understanding or refusing to accept what's been said.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Pink said:
I believe that with everything that is revealed in in therapy, there comes a risk-- and with every risk, a benefit will emerge-- the time in between of course, depends on the processing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, but people can die, lose their families, develop addictions or other MORE unhealthy coping mechanisms in the between time. A clinician must alway consider the relative risk of any intervention before determining if it is prudent to move forward.

Honestly, I don't regret starting this quest for self discovery. It was well overdue and although I complain a lot, its clearly helped me more than its hurt me. I just worry sometimes if I may be getting in over my head. Also during weeks like this I wonder if my chosen guide has any clue about how things are affecting me on a personal level. Then again maybe that is irrelevant to the process.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mckell13 said:
This thread has made me think about why I was so quick to think my experience was so abnormal/pathological. I've also been thinking about why I didn't particularly care for this image of myself. I guess that's the whole point. I've also been thinking... why is it that you all were told by your Ts that this is a normal part of therapy, just like transference, abandonment, and other stuff. Either a) I'm not listening to my T or b) she is neglecting to tell me about these things. Since I seem to be able to almost quote the dialog exchange during the hour, I don't think it is that I'm not listening.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">mckell, my T doesn't tell me most of these things either, at least not in great depth. I remember the night before one of my very early sessions, I had a dream about a little girl of about 6, and we were downstairs in T's office building and I wanted to walk up the stairs to therapy, but she was scared. So I reassured her and gave me her hand and asked her to come to therapy with me, and she walked up the stairs with me to T's office. This little girl was me. I told T the dream and he explained that she was an ego state, which I had never heard of, and that we each have many ego states of different ages, organized around different events in our lives. This little one was mine at around age 6, organized around some abuse memories that had been repressed. We then worked with this ego state in therapy, processing past trauma, recovering repressed memories, doing EMDR, etc. But we really didn't go into the theory of ego states a lot. T just briefly explained what they were so I would know who this little girl was. I learned more about her by "doing" rather than by T explaining. I have since identified other ego states as well (the "me" I consider "me" is called the "executive" in ego state theory, and has an integrating function). So no, my T doesn't really explain this stuff at all. He has mentioned transference only once briefly in passing as an aside (he doesn't believe in it, at least the strictly Freudian view). But yet we talk about our relationship all the time. And as for abandonment, we've only touched on that a bit, as T has recognized I have had a lot of abandonment in my past, but heck, most people who go to therapy have!

So don't feel like your T is not telling you stuff that everyone else has explained to them in therapy. Sometimes it is helpful to just let things unfold and know that your T will give you explanations if you request them, but maybe it isn't always necessary. Rather, you can explore these concepts yourself in therapy and learn your own truths by doing.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Also during weeks like this I wonder if my chosen guide has any clue about how things are affecting me on a personal level.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Have you told her? If not, why not tell her next time?

[MissCharlotte]

I am hereby hijacking my thread back.

I just wanted to share the experience I had of getting in touch with my child within and how much I really want to hold on to her this time around. She is really important to my healing now.

I'm curious to hear about any other experiences of hanging onto the inner child and how you may have done that.

Peace

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MissCharlotte said:
I'm curious to hear about any other experiences of hanging onto the inner child and how you may have done that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">My T taught me how to "rescue" mine when I had memories of traumatic experiences. This was very powerful and because I could rescue and hold and comfort her, she became not so scared. She was finally "seen" after all these years--what a relief! And so healing. How lonely and scared she had been. After I went through this, I didn't have to apply effort to hang onto her. She wasn't running away or slipping from my memory. Because she trusted me.

MissCharlotte, where does your child go when you do not hang onto her? Is she inaccessible to you?

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks Sunny.

When I "lose her" she is hiding because she is afraid and also I let her stay there because I am afraid of letting her out because she will get in the way of my adult life, if that makes any sense at all!

[ECHOES]

(((( MissCharlotte )))) (((( MissCharlotte's little girl ))))

It makes perfect sense to me. I feel like mine is there all the time and very interfering.

T and I are beginning to explore it some. She tells me when I seem to be responding as the little girl versus when I seem to be responding as the adult me.

[chaotic13]

MissCharlotte's Bear :-)