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Hi everyone,

I don't know what to write, all I know is that something's really wrong with me. I feel totally alone and misunderstood. The last time I felt this hollow, I was still cutting, and I'm having the urge to SI again.

I talked to my grandma an hour ago, and we talked about what I plan to do in grad school. I can tell she doesn't approve of what I want to study. My dad doesn't understand it either. The only person who might have understood and encouraged me was my mother, but she's been dead for almost three years now. I miss her so much,and I didn't get the chance to say goodbye.

I haven't gone out for four days, and haven't seen anybody but my senile father for just as long. I finally got the chance to talk to one of my friends from college yesterday, but I couldn't ask her for her help because she was having a breakdown... she told me some really awful things and I don't know how to help her, or if I have the emotional resources to do so.

Even here, I feel somewhat estranged. I see that many of you have thousands of posts and have been members for years. I don't know if I belong here, you all seem so tight-knit, and I don't know how to fit in...

I don't know what to do, all I know is that I feel hollow and pathetic and worthless and physically ill. I wanna cry but can't... I wanna feel, but can't...

Thanks for readig this, though,
J

Being a winnie the pooh sort of bear I don't have any gems of wisdom, but wanted you to know I'm reading and thinking of you

First of all welcome to the forum. You fit in here just as you are. You don't have to "do" anything but be yourself. I hope you will find everyone supportive for you.

I can imagine it is hard when someone doesn't support what you want to study. Could it be that they are looking at it from a different perspective?

Sometimes it is a good idea to use self care when trying to help others. It can be overwhelming when you are struggling so much yourself.

Know that I am out here and that I understand how you are feeling.

BB

Hi! I'm glad you've found us... and you'll fit in, it was daunting for me when I first came here as well.

(((((((((Der_Sohn_des_Leides))))))))))

Don't SI. I know it's hard to resist the temptation, but please be careful.

I know how hard it is to not have people supporting your academic pursuits. My family still doesn't like that I changed my 'minor' from what it was originally (what I was told to take, by them!)

I'm sorry about your mother. That's rough.

If I can ever do anything at all, please PM me. I'm always willing to listen (really!)

((((((((((( Der_Sohn_des_Leides)))))))))))))))
It can be very difficult to do what your family doesn't want you to do in college, just remember that it's your future not theirs. I am sure that you will fit in here, I find everybody very supportive and nice.

Thanks for your support, everyone. I have a tendency to freeze up in new social environments, even ones on the internet!

Regarding my studies, what I want to go into is really unconventional and pretty new as a field, namely the study of gender in visual culture. I guess part of the reason it hurts so much that my family doesn't support my studies is that it triggers feelings of insecurity and uncertainty I have buried in my psyche.

And the third anniversary of my mom's passing is less than a week and a half away, and I don't have anyone to lean on. It's weird, it seems to get harder every year dealing with her absence... I guess I'm always wondering whether or not she'd be proud of me, and if she'd support my studies. Life would be so much different if she were still around.

Plus, being stuck at home again, I can't see my therapist at college or my psychiatrist (meds aren't working, so I really need to see him). I guess all I can do for now is bide my time and hope for the best. Thanks everyone! ((((((everyone))))))

-J

((((j))))

I'm not here long at all, and look, that doesn't matter around here.
We can jump right in anywhere with out point of view and life experience, because it all matters. Your point of view matters.

So, studying the visual of gender culture (did I get that right, lol)!

This sounds exciting. And cutting edge.

You could go for it and not look back on what others would prefer for you because they don't have to actually do what they want you to... and say something like 'so sorry, no can do'. Humor them. Or change the subject.

About your Mom, I am so sorry.

Have you thought about a job over the summer to keep you busy and help you sock away a few bucks?

Also, does your father have anyone on his side who can help him out, like a sister or something, you can call and talk to about his current difficulties.

It might be time to apply for medicare or ssi on his behalf so that he can get coverage for health problems, pay for expenses, and to even pay for a caregiver to assist him
in daily living. It might be worth your while to check out a senior network in your area, and go in - with an appointment, to discuss your household as they have knowledge of all the resourses available for people over 55, and in some cases, 50.

My best to you in your endeavors ...

I do hope you will stick around here, at least for the summer while you are dealing with your grief - and household responsibility .... because we all care. I know I do too.

peace and love,
nightbird

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Thanks for the support. I don't have anywhere to turn to here at home, so it really helps to know I can go somewhere for help.

This is the fifth day in a row that I haven't left my house... I wish I could find a job; I have eight applications floating around right now, but the job market in most parts of the US is just bone dry.

Mydad was kicked off of medicaid when my mom passed... Thank you 'compassionate conservatives'. He might be able to qualify for medicare, but I'm not sure. What he really needs is mental help. I don't know what kind of problems he has, but he is just a mess in his head, and absolutely explosive emotionally. His side of the family is not very supportive, unfortunately. We've lived in complete poverty for over ten years now, and all his family can do is blame him for our poverty and begrudgingly lend us a couple bucks when we're in threat of eviction or losing our electricity or what have you. And my mom's side of the family hates him; he has a tendency to scream at people and get upset for no reason, so I guess I can't really blame them. He's pretty hard to understand.

I'm just so tired of being alone. Away from school, I feel so purposeless. I have research and other things to do regarding grad schools and my fall thesis, but I'm just so wiped out emotionally that I just can't bring mysellf to do anything. And I hate myself for it... During the school year, I grind myself down, working incessantly, and now I can't even flip a page in a book. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for hearing me out

(((((Fuzzybear)))))) ((((((nightbird))))))

-J

Der Sohn des Leides:
supporting you all the way in whatever you decide to do . . . thinking of you . . . sending you a big, big hug . . .

Dear Person,

Don't worry about the financial mess of your Dad... our country still has to cover him somehow, in a program called ssi or some other type of welfare.

The good news is it takes this off your shoulders somewhat, and puts in on his social worker, which he needs, to work out his current situation.

So, like I said, spend a day with senior network or senior services in your area - you have no idea the programs available to your Dad because you are young and do not know what older Americans have been fighting for - which is care for all older Americans.

Some things are easy to establish. So if you start now, by the time you leave for school, your Dads' situation will be one less thing you have to worry about. You are next of kin so it is your responsibility to get him enrolled in some program to support him and his healthcare. You will get a primary care Dr. for him, and after that, you can go back to school with a clear head.

The senior network groups are free and helpful, will tell you what will work best for your Dad, and what entitlement programs he can utilize, no matter how poor he is or ever was, he is still able to qualify for something. They will help you figure it out.

After this, going back to school should be a breeze, right?

After all, it looks like being home, with your dad in his depressing state, and his financial
situation equally as bad, and the familiarity of where and how much you miss your Mom, and the dysfunction of your family, that you are alone when it comes to them .... this would depress anyone, Dear.

Soon, you will extricate yourself from the condition at home, and find a way not to repeat further long term stays there. An occasional visit is nice, to have to stay under that roof, in the future, may not be an option for you ... at least not next year!

Bless your ever-loving heart, Dear J

peace and love,
nightbird

Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for your support. Your advice sounds promising, nightbird. As you rightly assumed, I'm not too familiar with senior assistance networks, so I guess I should try to look into those for my area soon. Any suggestions for where to start?

Sorry about the acrimony and pessimism regarding the US government. Being raised a welfare child and being forced to jump through so many hoops and still not get the little treat they wave in front of our noses like animals is frustrating, demeaning, and humiliating. My conspicuous hostility stems from being let down and left behind so many times... My mom was constantly in and out of the hospital for COPD, lung disease, heart disease, hypoglycemia, emphyzema, and for routine maintainence of her ICD. She was going for so long and so often that medicaid started getting fed up with trying to pay her expenses, especially since the doctors couldn't do too much to help her. What really upset me was that she psased away only a couple of days after being kicked out of the hospital... Had she been in the hospital, she would have gotten the immediate medical intervention that could have saved her life. Instead, she wasrushed to the hospital, kicking and screaming for air (from what I've been told), and wouldn't take the medicine they were trying to get her to take for the heart attack... It hurts me so much to imagin my mother suffering like that during her last moments on this miserable planet....

Today was hard to deal with, as well. I was visiting my mom's side of the family. I don't connect to them at all. Plus, they hate my father with a burning passion. So I was told that my father was not allowed to come, and my dad practically kicked me out of the car (while still on the street) when he dropped me off at my aunt's house. While there, I barely talked to anyone (I don't think I held any conversation for more than 90 seconds) and when I tried to explain what my goals are for grad school, I got blank stares and confused questions ("The study of visual what?" "What the heck can you do with THAT?!"). I don't even think they realize that the third anniversary of my mother's passing (their sister and aunt) is coming up. I've never once received a call from any member of my family consoling me for my loss, and grieving with me the loss we all experienced, on that day... It's like I don't exist.

And here I am again, at home and lonely as always. The only way I'll get to seep tonight is by drugging myself with xanax or even klonopin, and even with those, it won't really be sleep, but rather an artificially induced oblivion to pass the time until I can wake up and face another meaningless, empty, lonely day. Sorry this post is so long... I feel so miserable that I'm nauseous, I have a bad headache, my back and neck are stiff and painful, and I feel a general sense of malaise with the faint perception of impending doom. I don't know what to do, I haven't been this bad in quite a long time.

Thanks for reading,
J

I can't take it anymore... I'm tearing at the seams.

I just found out another really f'd up thing about another one of my close friends...

I'm hurting on so many different levels right now, and I have nowhere to turn... I just wanna dig myself a hole, fall in, and pray I never come back... I think things would be better for everyone that way.

I'm so unnecessary, unimportant, insignificant. I am dead inside.

I really need help........

I have nowhere to turn... I'm alone in this...

Hi ,

I have just turned the page, and just read this post, so I am very sorry to hear how you are feeling right now.

I dont feel that I can offer any great advice for you right now, other than find someone to talk this over with if you can,, maybe consider trying to share this with someone you can trust in the online support room ,in chat?

i hope this is enough just for you to enable to have some kind of dialogue about, sharing how you feel right now, and try to hold on , for the meantime........

take care, you can pm me anytime J

alevin

((((((((((((( J ))))))))))))))
PM me any time

Es tut mir leid!!
and don't worry about being new - we were all new at some point. Ach, i still feel "new" and am surprised to see how many posts i have sent.
I am sorry things feel so low right now. Hang in there!!!
Tsuchss, Kiya

Thank you alevin, Fuzzybear, and Kiya. (((((((everyone))))))))

I'm in a weird emotional place right now. I feel like I'm living two different lives. I'm not the same person when I'm back at home...

At least I was able to find a diversion for today. My friend and I went out for Chinese/Japanese, but unfortunately he is rather difficult to communicate with on an emtional level, so I wasn't able to talk about my feelings (I hate faking happiness...). But it was fun, and the meal was rejuvenating, the best food I've had for a long, long time.

But a diversion is just that... a diversion. I haven't solved anything or changed anything, and now that I'm back at home, typing away on my computer in the wee hours of the morning, the pain, despair, loneliness, and grief flood back as if from a broken levy. My home is just an emotional vortex for me, so staying here is the last thing I really want to do. Right now, I have no choice.

I'm gonna go try to get some sleep. Thanks for all your support; it's really helping to keep me going.

Take care everyone,

J