[Mouse_]

I Just emailed T saying I am afraid to come on friday as each time I see her face I want to hurt her real bad! infact I want to hurt anyone real bad and told her I can't stop this going over and over and if she grins then that would be it I'd kill her and that I saw her grin at the end of yesterdays session and can't get that out of my head...

[Perna]

I hope she replies in a way helpful to you. I have a lot of faith in your T and you.

[Kiya]

Mouse ((((((((((((holding you and your t close ))))))))))))))))

[Mouse_]

T replied

Dear *****

You are having a lot of very powerful feelings and it’s understandably hard for you to feel that you can contain them. It may help to differentiate between thoughts and feelings on the one hand, and actions on the other, with talking about them being somewhere in the middle.


I understand that you believe that I want you to feel like this, and that I have set out to torment you, and that I get a sadistic enjoyment from your pain. Wanting to hurt me back is a way of communicating the extent of, and the reality of, your pain and hurt, as well as a way of expressing your rage at what you feel I am inflicting on you.


It is hard for you to have all these feelings and still experience me as being on your side, so that anything I say or do can feel like an attack, or confirmation of your belief that I enjoy your pain. There is no easy way through this, but the more we can talk about it, the easier it will get. It may be hard to remember at the moment, but we have a history of working together through difficult feelings and that is something that will help us get through this.


I’ll see you on Friday.


Best wishes,

[krazibean]

what did you think about that mouse?

[Mouse_]

I think I am sick and tired of my inabilty to see reality and my hyperviglant paranoia is what I think.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse_ said:
T replied

I understand that you believe that I want you to feel like this, and that I have set out to torment you, and that I get a sadistic enjoyment from your pain.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I saw this and thought, that is exactly what I think!

Hang in there Mouse!

((((Mouse))))
You are so courageous! I just know that you'll make it through.

[tulips30]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse_ said:
I think I am sick and tired of my inabilty to see reality and my hyperviglant paranoia is what I think.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I really like this answer. STRAIGHT......TO THE POINT
UR COOL

Wow! I thought T's response was nicely thought out and clearly showed that T cared about you.

(The only thing I don't like about T's is that sometimes they talk too smart....especially when I feel real young and just want something simple like "I know you wouldn't hurt me because you care about me and I care about you. Feelings happen all the time, but actions don't.") From Simple T

[Kiya]

Mouse, so much going on there under the surface. good reply from t... don't be too hard on yourself, k? you've had a lot of time for all that stuff to be built up and ingrained in you - it's not your fault. you're just looking at it from a different angle now.
I thought of you today when i was out - i've been in a bad space and also had emailed t (no response yet), a lot of pent up anger within as well. Today i felt like nothing was in my control. I even went to pull into a parking spot and this gal came around the corner and took it! Never even looked at me. I was really mad, and as i moved on, i had a sudden urge to ram the car in front of me (not even the car that took my spot). I was thinking i've got to get a grip and then broke down crying.
These times where there is so much anger, spilling out on to the people around us....
Keep breathing, and being kind to self - only then can we be kind (non-injurous) to others.
Thinking of you,
Kiya

[tulips30]

(((Kiya))) I'm wondering if we were going to the same t. office yesterday I had an almost identical experience with somebody in the parking lot. Woman pulled right around me into the spot I was going. I swear....I can STILL feel how angry I got. I also welled up in tears cause I was so overwhelmed at my anger

[Kiya]

Tulips - i'm laughing and feeling sad at the same time. Mine was today at the store.... but yeah, it was just so... i mean, HELLO! But i also knew I was really out of control and being effected in that moment by other things that set me off worse because of it. I'm over my anger from the car thing- but reeling from my shopping spree (outlet).
The things we all deal with to deal.
((((((((( hugs )))))))) Hope you're feeling better soon!
Kiya

[tulips30]

Back at ya sweetie

tulips

[MissCharlotte]

((((Mouse))))

Can I share something with you? I have had similar feelings (as you know) recently including the rage at T. Last night I saw T and I told him that I was afraid to come, to be there. I also told him that I felt like some kind of a monster.

We talked a bit and he was not even near as eloquent with his words as your T. But, what I came to realize was that I felt like a monster, like some awful thing, that would make people reject me. Little children are afraid of monsters and that is their context for why a person would run away from another person. So, when they are rejected, it makes so much sense for them to feel like they are the monsters. But you know what? We aren't monsters, we aren't bad, we didn't do anything wrong.

(((((((((Mouse)))))))))))

Good luck Friday.

Peace

[Mouse_]

Thanks MIss charlotte for a lovely reply. The thing at the moment is the feeling like I am a monster. My intellect knows otherwise somewhere within, I think. I've had more email contact this morning with T, I had a very bad night and woke up freezing cold and feeling like I had a fever, I'm not sure if its the upset I am feeling at the moment, but as I lie there I felt so ill and I am an atiest but it was like suddenly someone "greater" than me was trying to tell me something. I suddenly became very aware that I avoid living in the real world in a proper way, and that if I were to die last night my greatest regret was the wall I have around me that prevents me from feeling love that is available to me in my real life and all the stuff in my head means nothing in your last hour. I had to email T this morning in a desperate attempt to get reasurrance that she isn't about to dump me and she replied that she isn't about to dump me nor does she have a wish too either, that I have only destroyed us/her in fantasy and it is only temporary. I replied that the not wishing to end working with me was reasurring and deep down I know she's one of the good guys and it sickens me that I could be this way with her...she said that this is what therapy is, difficult words and feelings...I keep crying...I am sad that I've wasted my life hiding...hopefully this pain is progress and not a rut...

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse_ said:
I suddenly became very aware that I avoid living in the real world in a proper way, and that if I were to die last night my greatest regret was the wall I have around me that prevents me from feeling love that is available to me in my real life and all the stuff in my head means nothing in your last hour.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wow! Although I was not physically feeling ill last night or thinking about death, I was feeling the same regret.

I was asked yesterday why I don't show inner myself to people. I replied that I don't want them to know something that can be used against me at some point. She asked has that ever happened? I said no because I don't give them anything use against me. She asked then, how do you know it will happen if it never has? I thought and simply said, "I guess because if my childhood friends knew that I was afraid of the dark, they would eventually stuff me in dark hole the next time they felt like it." I said I knew it was stupid to think like this as an adult, but I guess I still do.

[Mouse_]

Mckell, Yes I understand. I am currently of work this week. I work P/T in a supermarket and realise that us women that work together are like an extended family with each other and this week I think I actually miss seeing and interacting with them also so just popped up the shop to get a couple of bits and hopefully see one of them so I could get my head back. I saw one gal and she asked what I was doing with myself thsi week? I replied, sod all just sitting on my arse bored, she replied, oh I wish I'd known I'd have taken a day off and we could have both gone up to central london for the day. I smiled and said, yeah that would have been nice lets do it in the summer. I really appricated that interaction today. I think I've got to do that more.

[lauren_helene]

Mouse I love your T and the connection between you both.

The comment that you only destroyed the relationship 'in fantasy' makes so much sense to me. It makes me think 'who' did you destroy in that fantasy. Think more about it and see what you come up with.

For me, I might answer my mother...hang in there you're doing great!

[Perna]

Mouse, I don't know if you will find it as hopeful as I did, but you initiated the e-mail exchange on Tuesday, saying you weren't coming Friday. You could have waited until Thursday, not allowed so long a period of time to interact with T and work through the problem with her.

[Mouse_]

Perna, Yes I do see hope, and know I set out to get some resolution by emailing T yesterday, that and the motivation of pain pushing me forward.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mckell13 said:
I was asked yesterday why I don't show inner myself to people. I replied that I don't want them to know something that can be used against me at some point.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">McKell, I can so relate to that. I do not share sensitive information with people because I am afraid they will use it against me. That's what my mother did to me all the years I was growing up. I learned not to share with her anything that mattered so as to protect myself. Now I am trying to unlearn that. With T, I have made a lot of progress and will share with him because he is safe and trustworthy and he will not use things against me. But out in the "real world" with other people, I don't have those assurances, so I still withhold. And in fact there are people out there who will use things against me, so it kind of validates my caution. I don't know how to transfer the trust learned in therapy to the outside world. Is it possible?

[krazibean]

good point, sunrise. I think a lot of things are that way in therapy. We learn certain defenses that we let go of in therapy because it's safe, but that doesn't change the real world at all. so how do we apply it to the real world? i dunno.

[chaotic13]

OK so here is where my risk to harm assessment plays out:

You spend time in and out of therapy working diligently to break down your many layers of defenses, access your deep seeded emotions and start sharing them with your T. The fact that you've been working with this T for a while has made this possible. However you are still really uncomfortable. You are in a new type of relationship that seems kind of safe but it is unfamiliar territory. Your are not really sure what the new rules and boundaries of this therapeutic relationship are (i.e what should be shared, what shouldn't be shared, how angry is too angry, how weird is too weird, etc.). Unfortunately as you break down these old defense you unleash a raging river of emotions that have been dammed for decades and under high pressure. When the dam explodes and you loose all emotional control. You T may be able to deal with this in stride because she just has to deal with you for an hour. But YOU and potentially others around you who are not accustom to this have no tolerance for it. Instead of floating and riding it out, you simply drown and take others down with you.

Is it worth the risk? What are the real benefits if you succeed and don't drown? Wow you can cry in front of friends, you can share some freaky childhood stories, you can genuinely express grief or happiness extemporaneously. Is this all worth it? Mouse doesn't seem to be in a very good place right now. I hope what she is experiencing is over quickly for her.

[Mouse_]

This is interesting about how do we transfer what we learn to do and be in T to the "real" world. My take is that before in my life I was attracted to people that were themselves unable to deal with emotions, that most of my relationships were form almost in a co-dependent fashion and eventually as I work through the emotions my ability to deal with anything in the future will be done by me internally and not need to spill outwards. That in time trust willl be an emotionally known and learnt by me and not just rationally understood and if at any time I expose my self and someone trys to shame or use that against me, that will remain their issue and I am confident enought within myself to know I did nothing wrong in exposing myself and being emotionally honest, trust will be something I have in myself and not need proven by anyone else, afterall we can never fully know how another will react so can only have trust enought in ourselfs that we can surivive someone elses actions toward us, and not have to rely on others to act in a way that we would wish? Eventually we will not want or feel the need to emotionally "explode" in front of others, we will be self-contained and need what anyone else needs just plain old "human givens"?