the hospital icon was for the %#@&#!-up-ery i am in...

i am in yet another med change, i posted in the women support forum.. it;s hormonal and it's making me crazy - again. im not myself. im blurting things out. i burst into tears. i am extremely hypersensitive and i have been having more mental confusion, the kind like when T said i "..seemed like i was feeling very small (as in young)"

i feel awful.

and the physical is enough to drive anyone bonkers. i am in so much pain its unbelievable.... and today? i fell - TWICE. i have messed myself up. (for those who do not know, i have a disorder which is slowly crippling me. i have chronic pain and always have one joint or other messed up )

i never ask "why me?" because i dont believe in anything or anyone directing what goes on and so i am not hand-picked to suffer or something. But... having said that.. sometimes i beg for a break... you know?

im struggling with the break up... i thought once i said i wanted out.. i thought i'd feel relieved.. instead i feel so deeply sad and i miss H like crazy. Stupid huh? i haven't forgotten anything.. but i didn't stay married just because i couldn't leave.. i really loved him and the feelings didnt go away. So... i sit here with all my ice packs and pain meds and want to call H - just to be able to talk to someone.. someone who wants to talk to me.

i call T instead of H.. i leave him tedious, boring and dumb *** messages.. me whining.. how does he put up with all that?

but T says to try and access the feelings that made me think of leaving in the first place. he said to think about the things that happened.. connect with them... stay with those instead...

so here is one.. i will share one here... because it makes it more real somehow

this is so hard..

summer before last... i was confined to bed.. i couldn't bear weight on my legs hardly at all... going as far as the bathroom was so painful. So for several weeks i was out of commission... unable to do much of anything. i surfed the net, downloaded music.. and i remembered this song, which reminded me of H. i was grateful for his taking on the house stuff and all my jobs while i was laid up. i thought about how hard he worked and how he was putting me through school.. and i downloaded Josh Grobin's "you raise me up" for him... i felt like i was going to get to be an artist because he was letting me stand on his shoulders.. like in the song.

honestly, i was moved.. i felt connected to the love i had...

i tried to play it for him.. and i got the lyrics too - so he could get them off the printer.

i don't remember what i said that set him off.. i dont remember just what i did that caused him to be so mad... but he went into a rage and started screaming at me. He was demanding an apology, demanding i admit how wrong i was and how right he was... but nothing i said seemed to be enough. i did apologize.. i did admit everything he wanted and more. i started to cry.. i couldn't get away.. i was trapped there in the bed and any move was agony..

oh god.. im crying now even..

i kept trying to get him to listen to the song.. to hear how much i cared and was grateful.. i kept begging him to stop.. that i was so sorry..

i have to stop.. i cant do anymore.. this is enough.. im sorry if i am boring anyone.. im sorry

[RozG]

i'm sorry i've never been great with words or advice but i'll be here for you if you want someone to pm

[Lemon]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this pain. I don't know what to say that will help you but keep posting here, you're not boring anyone
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MzJelloFluff said:
i really loved him and the feelings didnt go away.

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I can relate to that. My opinion and experience has been that even after getting divorced and many times being angry at my ex-h that there is a part of me that will always love and care for him. I think that is ok, but I haven't talked to T about it yet.

Could you do something extra nice for yourself tonight? hot bath, good movie, glass of wine???

I'm in the same institution. Maybe we could meet and keep each other company?

((((((((((Fluff))))))))))))
I am so sorry you are in pain. I would buffer you from it all if I could.

What a sad story, Fluff. You deserve to have someone who appreciates you. Say that over and over!

Please take care of yourself and stay safe. LOVE YOU!

"You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

[chaotic13]

Jello, sounds like you loved him deeply and that he did help you some when you needed it. Unfortunately the down side of this relationship is very toxic, his help came with a price. I can remember one post where he was holding all of the things he supposedly did for you over your head and discounting your own efforts. This is not love on his part. Unfortunately during down times its easy to remember the good and the bad doesn't seem so bad. Do you have any old journal entries you could review to remind yourself of why the relationship failed? Maybe in reviewing your past writing, you will accurately remember the good and bad and also remind yourself of how far you have come since then.

Try to do something nice for yourself...(((Jello)))

thanx mckell

i know.. i feel like an idiot... because i do know

T says its the part of the cycle called the honeymoon period.. when everything seems like it could get better, i feel like working it out and H promises to be better. He means it too.. i know he does... and maybe if he had ever taken it seriously then he would have worked on the rage issues.

odd eh? im the one who got yelled at... im the one who struggled for a year to say i wanted to leave (AFTER knowing i should and WITH T's help)... and here i am, i am the one who agonizes over the choices he made or failed to make. He seems pretty happy most times when we do have contact.

[ECHOES]

You aren't feeling well and you are thinking back to a time when someone took care of you and how meaningful that was to you.

I think it makes perfect sense that you might be feeling like it would feel good to have someone take care of you again now when you aren't feeling well.

that is a very good point echoes... i hadn't thought of that. im going to put that point in my letter to T. thanks!

[Perna]

And, there's the familiarity that it was H who went through it with you last time. The similarities of not feeling well and it being H who was there last time make you think of him now.

Is there any way we can help you break into that cycle, that we can be here for you and replace H (we won't yell at you or trap you, that's not all bad :-)

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;

Think of a song for yourself, to give yourself? You're having a hard time but you're working with it, doing a good job, doing the best you can for yourself and will come out the other end.

I have to run off to the MARKet, but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

i dont know perna.. i feel like i dont know anything any more.

T says i am doing more and better than i think i am... but i know that what he has is an intellectual connection with me, not an emotional one. Part of me withdrew and ran away after the last rift between us.... got so hurt...

i dont know... i left three rambling stupid messages for T...

help me connect maybe... to remember how i felt. Mckell said something to remind me, and that spoke volumes to me.. i have near zero ability to give myself validation either.. everytime T says something was abuse, or not right or hatever, i am surprised still

so i dont know.. just do what you guys have done so well all along. Even when i havent wanted (or wanted to hear) something that was said, i still feel lucky to have you guys

pink.. dont be afRAYid while shopping k?

[Perna]

What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!

What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!

Who was the first underwater spy?
James Pond!

If two's company and three a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine!

What kind of fish can't swim?
Dead ones!

Why do polar bears have fur coats?
Because they would look silly in anoraks!

omg perna.. you threw me at first... i was thinking "what? i didn't call you an idiot..did i? accidentally?" hahahaha

you are so very very corny

dont change