I want my T. I want her to email, to call, to tell me "I love you". Lately she has been pulling away again. My little ones are still damaged from the horrible session from the T we saw Wednesday and they need our current T to shower them with loving. To be honest, I need it too!

I hate my borderline tendencies. I can feel myself pushing, pulling, being emotionally manipulative and I can't HELP myself even though I TRY. I TRY and I TRY and it's not getting better.

T is going to leave me once and for all. I can't love myself, why would she love us? We just drive her crazy.

I want my T.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((stormyangels))))))))))))))))

Have you told her how you are feeling? How did she respond??

Yes. I have told her. She's been very distant. She is very tired and stressed she has a lot going on in her personal life. I am being so damn selfish about the whole thing. She didn't respond badly, she just didn't respond the way I *need* her to right now.

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((stormy))))))))))))))))))

[Edahn]

Love that is demanded isn't real love. It just forces a person to fabricate feelings that aren't real and that takes a lot a lot of work. What you're asking for is impossible, because genuine love is never demanded, it is offered. And your therapist can probably sense that you want it even if you don't verbalize it. So, what can you do? Nothing. Just look into why you need that love so badly and find a REAL, workable solution, not this "why won't my therapist love me" "why can't I stop being so manipulative" stuff. Seems to me like you're doing the exact same thing with this site as you are with your therapist (though we're not as spent as your therapist is).

Can we do a mock session here?

Why do you need your therapist to love you?

How does that make you feel, and what does it make you NOT feel that is so intolerable?

Tell me in your own words, not your therapist's words.

I'm not demanding love or asking anyone to fabricate feelings that are not real. My therapist loves me and cares about me. It has been said over, and over, and over. The feelings are very real.

So why do I need it said often? Because I have been abandoned over and over and over again. Love in my past has not been constant. It has been there one minute, ripped away the next, and placed back in play again. It was always conditional, and anytime I reached for it, it was gone. Is that an excuse to demand my therapist to tell me she loves me when *I* need her to. No. But it's the reason why.

If I knew of a real, workable solution, I wouldn't BE here (in psychotherapy searching for answers, searching for guidance). I would not be wasting my time, my energy, my money, and driving myself absolutely crazy about why I feel so incredibly crappy about me and why I am this way. I AM searching for a solution darling, doing that does not mean that the CHANGE and WORK that comes with that is instantaneous. I am working on it, and the road is a very, very long one.

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Edahn said:
Seems to me like you're doing the exact same thing with this site as you are with your therapist (though we're not as spent as your therapist is).

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You can assume all you wish about what goes on between my therapist and I from reading one post, though I think it's a highly risky and insensitive move on your part. Do not feel "spent" about doing anything. You chose to reply!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( stormyangels )))))))))))

[RozG]

((((((stormyangels))))))

i'm sorry things are not going so well with your T just now. we don't know each other but you're more than welcome to pm me any time you need an extra friend.

take care, hang in there and know we do all care here.

[pachyderm]

((((stormy)))))

[sunrise]

(((((stormyangels)))))

I'm sorry it has been so stressful lately for you, what with the hurtful and unhelpful session with that new therapist. I can understand why you would reach out to your regular therapist--someone who has provided you support and caring in the past. I hope the support offered here can help just a little bit.

[Edahn]

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stormyangels said:
I'm not demanding love or asking anyone to fabricate feelings that are not real. My therapist loves me and cares about me. It has been said over, and over, and over. The feelings are very real.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

And what happens if you're wrong?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
So why do I need it said often? Because I have been abandoned over and over and over again. Love in my past has not been constant. It has been there one minute, ripped away the next, and placed back in play again. It was always conditional, and anytime I reached for it, it was gone. Is that an excuse to demand my therapist to tell me she loves me when *I* need her to. No. But it's the reason why.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't think you've gone deep enough. The reason you need the assurances isn't because you've been abandoned. It's because you can't stand the feelings of loss and loneliness and all their precursors, so you mask by repeatedly procuring assurances. Methinks your therapist is wise for withholding that affection and placing you in a state of limbo.

But rather than choose to confront those feelings, I think you've searched for those reassurances on this site. Are you really going to try and tell me that a thread called "I hate ME." isn't in some round-about way a cry for attention? Look how many hugs you procured in the opening posts.

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If I knew of a real, workable solution, I wouldn't BE here (in psychotherapy searching for answers, searching for guidance). I would not be wasting my time, my energy, my money, and driving myself absolutely crazy about why I feel so incredibly crappy about me and why I am this way. I AM searching for a solution darling, doing that does not mean that the CHANGE and WORK that comes with that is instantaneous. I am working on it, and the road is a very, very long one.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I have borderlineish features too in close relationships. In fact, I think nearly everyone does, especially those with fearful or avoidant attachment styles (but that's another discussion). The only thing that has really worked for me is being accepting of my insanity (and finding humor in it) and starting to befriend my fears instead of shutting the door on them and making them wait outside, ashamed.

{{{ stormyangels }}}

I'm so sorry that you and your littles are feeling bad. Is there anything I can do in The Garden to help cheer you/them up? Are there any favorite places or loved characters that would make them feel safe? PM if you're not comfortable posting that info. I'd like to help.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((stormyangels))))))))))))))))

Don't hate you... your feelings are perfectly normal. I push and pull people away too... sometimes it's hard not to. I love you, and I'm glad you're here.

[foreverlost]

I totally get your need for re-assurance. I'm always finding some little thing that my T does that I can interpret as rejection, not wanting to see me again, etc.. Knowing that I tend to do that helps me tone it down a little. Are you sure your T is pulling back? You said her life has been very hectic, etc, and I think it is such a good thing that you can recognize that - don't blame yourself! I don't know you, but I know I don't hate you :-) , so don't you either. Feel better!
P.S. Gee, I don't feel "spent" at all!

[pachyderm]

> Are you really going to try and tell me that a thread called "I hate ME." isn't in some round-about way a cry for attention?

Is a cry for attention bad?

[Edahn]

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pachyderm said:
> Are you really going to try and tell me that a thread called "I hate ME." isn't in some round-about way a cry for attention?

Is a cry for attention bad?

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Is this a red herring?

No, it's not "bad" because nothing in this universe is good or bad. But it's another way that she is hiding her painful feelings instead of paying attention to them and embracing them.

All these ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) are really hurting her progress, not helping it, even if the intention is in the right place.

[RozG]

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Edahn said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pachyderm said:
> Are you really going to try and tell me that a thread called "I hate ME." isn't in some round-about way a cry for attention?

Is a cry for attention bad?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Is this a red herring?

No, it's not "bad" because nothing in this universe is good or bad. But it's another way that she is hiding her painful feelings instead of paying attention to them and embracing them.

All these ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) are really hurting her progress, not helping it, even if the intention is in the right place.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

No personal offense intended but how do you know all these ((((hugs)))) are hurting her rather than helping her? Have you asked her? Are you God? You don't know it ALL just because you've studied psychology or whatever!!!

[foreverlost]

Almost every post is some cry for attention/help. Isn't that what this is about? I'm afraid I don't understand your self-assurance, Edahn. Be careful about seeing everything in black and white. Everyone differs. By the way, I'm a psychologist. You?

((((((((((((((((((stormyangels)))))))))))))))))

I would like to offer you a cyber hug, everyone is different ....myself? cyber hugs make me feel better when i am down,just knowing someone cares,from the other sideof the world means a great deal to me. Abandonment issues are hard,taxing and you're right, the road is long to find self acceptance, love and here's hoping you find 'yourself'. My road to recovery is far from over but self acceptance is part of it and believe you meiam feeling better every day ..... please please believe it can be done ....even when everyone you've ever been close to has abandoned you in some way or another....pm me anytime, i would be pleased to hear from you.....you are not here to be judged, just reassured and know you are not alone hon .... Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo

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Edahn said:
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stormyangels said:
I'm not demanding love or asking anyone to fabricate feelings that are not real. My therapist loves me and cares about me. It has been said over, and over, and over. The feelings are very real.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

And what happens if you're wrong?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm not. She's TOLD me over and over and over again. The feelings are real. One thing my T has always done is been honest with me about everything. In a way, you questioning her has made me realize how much she DOES love me by having to defend that point of view.

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Are you really going to try and tell me that a thread called "I hate ME." isn't in some round-about way a cry for attention? Look how many hugs you procured in the opening posts.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

It's not a way of me saying "I want attention". It's a way of saying I am feeling really down on myself, I cannot see my way out of all of my foggy emotions, and I could really just use a hand right now.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Edahn said:
All these ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) are really hurting her progress, not helping it, even if the intention is in the right place.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I disagree. Being able to have people say "You are not alone", "We understand", "We get it", "We're there for you" means a lot to me. Please do not take it upon yourself to say what is or is not helpful to my progress.

Everyone,
Thank you very much for your support and encouragement. I know many of you have been or are in the same place I am at right now. I find comfort in knowing I can come here and be crowded around and lifted up in my time of need. I appreaciate all of the supportive messages sent to me and my little ones. (((safe hugs to all who want them)))
Lots of love. xo

[pachyderm]

Edahn, do you not understand? We are here, trying at least, to offer you too the attention you may not have received in the past and may be needing now. Although you may have accepted what you were perhaps told, that you did not deserve much attention, you do.

[Edahn]

To the Teddybear lady:

If you're going to launch an ad hominem attack (attacking my reputation and credentials rather than my advice) at least make it a good attack. A formal degree or formal training is neither required nor sufficient for perspicacity.

To Storm:

The point in my questioning your therapist's commitment to you wasn't to affirm how much he/she loves you, but to make you confront your fear that he/she doesn't, and to show you that as bad and scary as it may be, you're still okay without it, and still okay with a little discomfort

To Pachyderm and the rest of the hugging committee:

There is a difference between support and coddling. People who give good advice know that coddling others and suffocating their problems with hugs and affirmations do very little to combat issues in the long run, but very effective in the short-run. They're like bubblegum: good for about 15 minutes, until it loses it's potency and you need some more. And more. And more.

Mature advice-giving recognizes:

1) What the problem is.
2) What the short-term solution is. (Avoidance - which is exactly what Storm was talking about when she said "pick me up" in two posts above this one.)
3) What the long-term solution is: acceptance of discomfort.
4) That there are hurdles to that long-term solution (e.g., all the resistance I'm getting from Storm, Teddybearlady, and the like) because it involves confrontation rather than avoidance.