First of all, thank you Sunny, for sharing the post with the link to the Seattle Times. What a beautiful story.

I also found it interesting because your post came on the same day that I wrote an email to my T in which, in the last paragraph, I told him something that I never had before. It was something I have wanted to say for a long time. I will post it here:

"I worry sometimes that anything I say to you will be misconstrued-- an interruption of pathology, if you will. Perhaps it is a projection, but for example, if I reveal a particular feeling towards you, I fear that you may think that I am feeling that way just because today was an excellent session, and as a result, I am idealizing you. I am learning, though, that feelings transcend extremes and a true experience will remain genuine, regardless of hatred or love. I precede with all of this because I want to tell you that if I can become half the therapist that you are (in my own manner and style, of course), then that would be good enough for me. You are truly remarkable."

Have you ever said/wrote anything to your therapist to really let him/her know of your appreciation towards him/her?? I mean besides just saying, "thank you" in a session.... something more than that. This was the first time I ever said anything like this to him, but I had a strong desire, not only to let him know what he means to me as a therapist, but how I admire him as a professional.

[chaotic13]

Pink,
I'm not very good at writing, especially when it comes to expressing deep appreciation. Here is what I wrote in the Christmas card I gave my T. I'm hope she understood what I was trying to say.

The holiday season seems to be a time when people desperately long for a reprieve from the bitter cold and darkness of winter. For a brief time apathy is replaced with compassion, peace is sought instead of conflict, loved ones are cherished not abased, and hope trumps pessimism. It’s also a time to share with others how much you value and appreciate them. Although I’ve been coming for over 6 months, it has only been in the last month that I’ve begun to appreciate how skilled you are at planting the seeds of change. The insight you provide and communication skills I am learning from you are profoundly affecting the relationships in my life. The ripple effect you create resonates well beyond your individual patients and the true impact of your compassion is immeasurable. Thanks for helping me reconnect with the world and restore some peace in my life in time for the holidays.

[happysappy]

I told my T a month or so ago that I hope I can be as good as he is when I am a T. He had tears in his eyes, and said I will probably be better than him and he told me why. But I don't know , his standards, expertise, and 40 plus yrs. of experience will be hard to achieve.

[winterbaby]

I had a golden opportunity to tell him a few months ago when I left T and blew it. The words did not come as I wanted them to (I even wrote it down beforehand). Unfortunately, I probably won't have that chance again as I am not in contact and have no way of getting back in contact now with him (long story).

It's good to express if you can.

[Kiya]

yeah, i wrote my old t and told her how much she had helped me and how she's claimed a piece of my heart forever. i was down in New Orleans at the time I was seeing her, doing disaster work after the hurricanes, and t was also from there. So t and that event are forever tied together to my memories there. she emailed me back saying she cared just as much for me and i also always have a place in her heart.

[MissCharlotte]

I have written T a few letters that touched on how I feel. I have also told him how grateful I am. However, the most intimate of thank you's still eludes me as I still get bugged out by the relationship. However, I am getting closer I hope! This time when he went on vacation I called him and unabashedly told him that I missed him a lot and missed coming there.

Sigh.

[doubtful]

Among other things I have written:

thank you for letting me care about you. and, for letting you care about me. they are wonder full gifts both

[sunrise]

Early in therapy with my current T, the specter of a past psychiatrist I saw for counseling during my first year in college kept coming in the room with us. I had been very close to this man and then ended our relationship abruptedly. I never told him how much he had meant to me or thanked him for being there during that volatile time in my life. So my current T suggested I write him a letter, not to send him, as I don't know where he is now, but just for myself so I could tell him what I felt back then, how grateful I was, and how much I missed him once we stopped seeing each other. So I wrote the letter and it really helped. I wish I had been able to tell him way back then, but I was too young and didn't know how to do things. Once I wrote the letter, he stopped coming into the room with me and T and we could just continue on our own and form our own relationship.

I have not told my current T thank you, but hope to some day. I strongly believe I will not terminate our relationship abuptedly as I did with the psychiatrist and my counselor immediately previoius to the T that I see now. I feel I have grown enough to now end relationships well. I hope.

i cant. i cant express anything toward him directly. He knows *exactly* what happens to me if our relationship is threatened even a bit.. and i bring him little presents... bake him stuff and wrap it all up. He knows i am very attached. But no.. i have not, nor can i yet say anything that directly expresses gratitude or affection.

i read the article and came back... i think i just always feel as though i dont matter much to people and that an expression of thanx like that would be overstepping somehow.. like making an assumption that they cared..

[chaotic13]

(((Jello))) I can relate to this somewhat.

I've often want to convey a deeper appreciation, but then withhold it. Sometimes because I fear that if I say it they will know how vulnerable I am at the moment and I fear that a positive response will cause me to emotionally lose it.

I don't want the other person to know how much something that they did or said really meant to me. This is especially true when I get it into my head that they really didn't do it for ME individually. They were just going through the motions of their daily work, saying prefabricated stuff, and it just happened come at the right time to affect me deeply.

Your '..making an assumption that they cared." comment is really true for me as well. I gave my T the Christmas card on my way out so I didn't have to see her response to it. I envisioned her reading it, laughing about it with her office manager, and stuffing it in my psych folder. It is now simply additional evidence that I am just another one of the psychotic freaks she deals with on a daily bases and who has bought into the illusion that she really gives a crap. My card is likely in my folder with a notation... 12/22/07: Pt. has transitioned into phase X of her pathology, personal communication suggests some level of transference successfully established. Plan of Care: Begin intervention phase: Xa-1.

[skeksi]

Chaotic, I feel the same way about my file! For that reason I won't let my T keep any art, etc. I do in sessions; I never write anything down. It feels safer that way--less like he can exploit or hurt me.

I have often wondered if T really means the kind things he says, and when I ask, he says it's his job to help me, but it's not his job to care--he does that voluntarily. He's also said, how could he not care after working with me for so long? Still, I doubt. And when I do feel particularly connected, I don't usually say so, because it feels so risky. Perhaps someday I will be able to.

[chaotic13]

Skeksi,

Please don't let me create additional doubt in your therapeutic relationship. I never discussed these feeling with a professional but..I think I obviously have issues with attachment--LOL. I think they need an icon on PC that indicates when a very warped perspective is presented. LOL.

What I posted was my FEELINGS, not rational thoughts.
I frequently FEEL this way, however when I go back and evaluate these feeling there is NO evidence to support them. When I am thinking clearly and rationally, I have no doubt that my T care about me as a person, and genuinely wants to help me. I don't believe that she is just going through the motions or daily grind of a meaningless job. Honestly, I have no idea what she actually did with my Christmas card. All I can say is that if I had received a card from someone like me, I would be very touched! I think most sane individuals would. I would not simply throw it in his/her academic folder or use it to evaluate or judge them. The real question I should be asking myself is...Why do I think so little of my T's character??? Why do I think she is in human? The answer is I don't, I just think so little of myself some times that I can't imagine that people could really give a crap if I thanked or appreciated them or not.

Skeksi,
You are not alone about worrying about the safety of the relationship and risk of possible exploitations, manipulation, brainwashing, mental torture, and disclosure of private information. I had a LOT of problems with these issues. Just look at some of my earlier posts. I paid out of pocket for the first few therapy sessions, because I didn't want my insurance company to know I was getting therapy. These feelings still surface, like they did today, but I am getting better at seeing how flawed my thinking can be.

yes chaotic.. exactly that.. afraid to show vulnerability and afraid to make that assumption... openly to him i mean... do i believe he does care though? yes.. i can't deny the evidence of it any more.

check back here... and before on another site i frequented.. i could not in any way comprehend how a T could care.. i called it rent-a-care. i saw it as some diminished, half assed caring that was tied to money. i feel awful about that now. i have come to know one of the most caring and genuine human beings i could hope to know. He cares about me and has gone above and beyond to show it. There is no way he could pour this much of himself into every client.. i believe he tries to give what is required to heal maybe... i needed someone to care in a substantial way and he has certainly done that.

[Fuzzybear]

Caring with strings, I've yet to find a T who isn't like that

And they do need to care in a substantial way for those of who have been abused to make "significant" progress

[Fuzzybear]

[(JD)]

When you fully understand the therapeutic relationship, there are no "strings" just the relationship as it is.
Good Ts do really, really care about you!

If they could take you into their lives, they would.
If they could constantly talk with you, they would.
If they could always be thinking about you and what you need, they would.

But...they are human. Alas! And they must do, they model, what we also must do:
good self care. If a T doesn't hold the parameters of a good therapeutic relationship
then that T won't be there for you, or anyone.

They model good behavior, proper coping, excellent rebounding for good... etc at least, I hope so!

how do you mean fuzz? Do you think the caring comes with strings attached?

[skeksi]

Chaotic, I do understand that you were describing your feelings and not reality. I was simply agreeing that I struggle with the same feelings. Sorry if that did not come across clearly.

[Fuzzybear]

Only sometimes, most people here seem to have great therapists

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Jello said:
i could not in any way comprehend how a T could care.. i called it rent-a-care. i saw it as some diminished, half assed caring that was tied to money. i feel awful about that now. i have come to know one of the most caring and genuine human beings i could hope to know. He cares about me and has gone above and beyond to show it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This looks to me like the beginning of a nice heart-felt thank you!!!! I know I wouldn't be able to share it with my T at this point either.

Jello I think we have both grown in our understanding of this "caring" concept. In my case Perna is probably reading this and saying THANK GOD, I don't have to scaffold for her yet again what a caring relationship is and why people might want to engage in one. :

Now if I could only grasp other related concepts: 1) I'm human and could possibly deserve to be cared for, 2) that it may be OK to want to be cared for, and 3) Not everyone who seems to care about you wants a piece of your soul (or body) in return.

I wonder if my T actually gets how totally confused I get sometimes by her actions?

Maybe what Pink was trying to suggest in starting this thread is that the people who spend so much time trying to help us feel cared for, might like or even need to hear that they are successful once in a while. Sometimes I still feel stupid about what I wrote in my Christmas card, but I'm glad I took the risk to write it. I least there was a slim chance that she liked, valued, or needed that positive feedback from me. At worst, I have another stupid piece of paper in my medical file.

Hey, thinking of thank you notes....is there a national or global therapist appreciation day? I think secretary (Office Manager/Administrative Assistant) day just recently past in the US. Do they have such a thing for therapists?