assertiveness

All the time I am told how healthy it is to be assertive. But, you know what, it just bites you in the *** when you are. You are seen as a *****, selfish, no one likes that, especially if you usually are being walked over all the time. At least my passivity didn't make anyone angry and I didn't have the guilty feelings from standing up for myself. You just can't "win" I guess.
Sorry, I am angry and just ranting!

Perhaps it's a question of style. I know many people who manage to be both assertive and very polite and charming. I watch them with awe. Moreover the person who was intending to encroach seems to take the refusal to allow it rather well. I often think of asking my therapist if I can practice with him. But I get rather self conscious when I'm playacting and so avoid it.

I guess it would help more to practice it with a therapist who manages to walk that line him or herself. My therapist is very good at that.

For example, I was talking to him about someone whose social hugging verges on inappropriate. My therapist gave me very good ways to be able to fend the hugger off fairly graciously. But I'd have to practice it a lot to get it right.

(((((((((((((( complic8d )))))))))))))))
I completely "get" what you mean

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You are seen as a *****, selfish, no one likes that, especially if you usually are being walked over all the time.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Who sees you this way? The person you were assertive with that is used to walking all over you? Or are YOU seeing yourself this way?
I tend to be assertive in professional roles but very passive in my personal relationships. When I first started re-asserting myself in my marriage, my H didn't like the change. Honestly, he adjusted.

I often think other people (friends) see me as a ***** or self-centered, but in reality they don't. It is me projecting.

chaotic13--I'm sure I was in part the reason I got that label! But, my husband last night said I'm turning into my mother. Long ago I had promised to do everything opposite of how my mother did it. As a result I am very passive and my kids are kinda spoiled (ask mom, she'll say yes). Anyway, every time I try to be assertive, set boundaries, etc, it triggers me because I feel like I'm being like my mother--and that scares me.
Yeah, I have a lot to work on with my therapist.
Thanks and take care!

I hate when I realize I am repeating a behavior that my parents did.

I had become very passive with my kids too and this then increased the frustration level of my H and caused him to lash out and be more violent. I didn't like the anger and violence. My H blamed it all on me for not putting my foot down and spoiling the kids. It was really a bad situation that was escalating.

What I did at the direction of my T was to sit down with my H and say what things are the kids doing that is absolutely intolerable and must change. Together we were able to agree on a short list of things. Embarrassingly the things on our list were really simple. Ex: 1) kids must brush their teeth and be showered (washing ALL body parts) daily before 9:00 AM. There was no TV, computer, or friend until this was accomplished. We wrote the list up, I printed it and we both presented it to the kids and said from now on this is how it is going to be. The list was then posted in the bathroom and on the frig. The first week it was awful, the kids hated it. But the rules and repercussions were clear. I agreed to enforce them and my H agreed to enforce them without yelling or hollering. During the first week I had to disconnect the wireless router and disconnect the cable TV until my oldest got the message and brushed his teeth. But the house was quiet and anger free which was really a nice change.

For me the key was being assertive without being angry and yelling.