needing and not calling

(((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))

I am so impressed at how you are looking out for yourself, Kiya. Your insight is impressive.

thanks echoes, fuzzy, skeksi....
I still keep hoping T will call me today (while also dreading it!) but also know that it is unlikely that she would - and if she doesn't, I can get through to wed night i think now because i am learning to draw strenght from myself while processing the cr*p (or maybe this calm is simply a moment by moment thing).
I had weird dreams all night and a nightmare this morning that my house had 4 people in it - one who was possessed by a dead man and was causing a poltergeist type distrubance, and also that my dad (abuser) had been in the house and spilled tea everywhere (?!) and mom was the only one to see the spill.
Guess my unconscious is working on something....

Kiya,
In my humble opinion, I think you should talk to your care group about it. There are solutions and it's surprising sometimes what others come up with. I think it's time you suck it in and ask for help! (I know how difficult this is) If you (with HELP) got your house back together once, it wouldn't be so overwhelming to keep it up. I've had to rely on friends for similar things, and although it's hard to to, they seem to enjoy being able to do something for me.
Take care.

I missed some of the earlier posts before posting my last one. I was referring to your house problems, Kiya, just a practical suggestion.

But, I'm glad you called , and you inspired me to wait for my T's return from vacation, also on Wed.

((((foreverlost)))))
Yeah - my care team is on it - and this isn't my house. So they are working on getting me out of this one (my mom's) since evidently i do not have the skill set to do it myself (which is also embarrassing at 31!!) But i keep having to come back to the new phrase my care team has taught me - this is not my fault. I cannot help how i have been programmed, other than by reaching out for help which i am doing. *whew*. Thanks be given for the will to survive and thrive =)

Here’s annother example of a prevailing attitude within our house that I just thought of… this concerns our bedrooms but is true for all circumstances; food, space, backrubs, cars….
I’m always allowed in her bedroom. I never want her in mine. She believes that what is expected of one, is also then expected of the other (as it applies to her – not me). I’m not allowed to tell her that I don’t want her in mine. Reminding her to knock before entering is hard enough. When encouraging her to have respect for boundaries, and to model the kind of behaviors I would appreciate, I knock on her door or ask if I can come in – she always answers “of course, you’re always welcome, you don’t need to ask”. I tell her that it is curious and since she is expected to knock, I am doing the same. So when I tell her I don’t want her in my room she says “well you come in mine whenever you want to!” Thing is, my shower doesn’t work, so I have to use hers, in her room. So it’s not even if I want to go in – I have to in order to shower.
Why is it that this is so difficult to pin down? I still feel like I haven’t made my point. Like with food, it is She offers me hers, therefore she can take mine. I’m allergic to 95% of what American’s eat, so I have special food that I expect to be there when I look for it.
Our cars are the same way; if we go somewhere – we go in mine. If she invites me someplace, we go in mine. If I am going someplace (like to the store) she is also going because otherwise she pouts. She never pays me gas money. We never go in hers because she never has gas.
Can anyone help think what this pattern is? What is it I am trying to say?

Hey Kiya... In respect to your other post about boundaries, it sounds like your Mom isn't respecting your boundaries-- you mentioned that you have trouble setting boundaries... have you set them with your Mom? You did mention that you told her you don't want her in your room, but she doesn't seem to respect that. It also seems as though your Mom doesn't put many boundaries up... This is similar to my Mom because she is extremely dependent. There are many times in which I have become more of the parent figure. My Mom's boundaries are always down, and privacy was not something that was recognized in my house. When I was 15, my Mom became addicted to the internet. The computer was mine. It was in my room. She would spent countless hours in my room to be on the computer-- even when my friends were over. I would have to go to bed every night listening her to clicking and clacking on the keyboard, sitting three feet away from me in my room. Talk about an invasion of boundaries.

I wonder if our mom's were separate at birth...
The only boundary i have maintained is around the computer because I journal about my life on it. And the only way i manage to maintain it is to just look at her with this defeated "please don't make me hand this over to you too" look. I don't say no, i just look defeated. If i say no, it will be a fight i will lose. Even just with the look i get "It's not like I ask a lot from you, kiya (insert birth name here)!! I'm not going to read any of your stuff!!! I can't believe you'd deny me this one little thing!! I can't get work because I can't get on the net!! You're keeping me from getting jobs!!" So i get that burden as well (though i do shove it off) and yes she'd read my private stuff - she's done it before. Fact is, part of the reason i leave my personal space such a disaster is to *keep* her out. She can't crawl over it all. Heh. God i must get out of here.
I didn't set the "you must knock before entering" boundary. My t from 3 yrs ago did. Mom threw a fit and yelled and then made a joke out of it. She manages to knock about 60% of the time. Too bad we also didn't teach her "you must also wait to be invited in after knocking." Aaaah well. Seriously, I didn't know many parents start allowing their kids privacy at around the age of puberty. I was really shocked. I'm not allowed to close my door, either - or there is another fight.
But, you're right Pink, when she's not treating me like i'm 9, i am the mom setting the boundaries for her - telling her when to eat, what to eat or not, helping her with cuts or wounds, putting on her jewelary for her, writing cover letters for her, applying for jobs for her, helping her choose outfits.... this is depressing.
((((((pink))))))))

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If only my girls would help with their own stuff. It is a big part of the problem. This is not all my fault. Maybe I just need to throw all their stuff away. But they would have a fit... It is certainly not the case that I have two nice neat clean girls who do not "fit in" to the disorder in the house. I worry though, now that you and Pink have said this. Maybe it is all my fault. Just adds to my sense of failure over the marriage.

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A marriage is a two person package deal. It is NEVER all just one spouses fault.

Still no call from t.
i was at the clinic today for yoga - even desperate enough to hope for a message at the desk for me *kicks self*.

i hate getting my hopes up. i'm assuming my typical wed appnt time still stands.... i've not heard anything contrary.

and moved my apnt to tonight =) Only because of a staff meeting tomorrow that she just remembered.
But it is ironic. I finally stopped caring - and she called.

Kiya sorry you had such a stressful few days. Hope all goes well for ya tonight.

(((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))) I am SO glad she called AND that you get to see her a day earlier than expected. You deserve it, after the few days you've had!!!

I hope your appointment goes really well.

Thanks Chaotic and Earthmama... yeah it has been a stressful week. *whew*.
I hope it goes well also - and am nervous because there is so much to talk about - in one teeeeny hour. Oy.
This is one of those times i need like 3 hours. heh.